One piece of advice everyone gives is, “Don’t argue in front of the kids.”
And I stick to that. Most of the time.
The truth is, my husband and I don’t really argue in front of the kids. But until recently, they definitely saw my eye rolls or exaggerated sighs or my husband’s reluctance to answer me when I asked him a straightforward question. We might not have been yelling and screaming at each other, but I think those small little expressions still count.
I have to keep in mind that I’m teaching them how to love. Whatever I say or do and whatever my husband does, it gives them a blueprint.
“This is how a man/woman is supposed to talk to you.”
“This is how you act when you have a disagreement in your relationship.”
“This is what you do when you have big decisions to make.”
“This is what love looks like.”
I want them to leave my house with a good idea of what a loving, respectful relationship looks like. To miss some of the hard lessons I had to learn. To get them in a committed relationship (if that’s what they so choose) with the least amount of bruises and baggage possible. Is that unrealistic?
I’ve been working on myself and my marriage. Trying to eliminate some of those negative behaviors I find myself clinging to year after year. Not just for their sake, but my sake.
“Happily ever after” wasn’t easy for us after our first unplanned pregnancy. Or after the second.
I had no idea how to be married. I fumbled my way through a lot of difficult situations.
I realize I enjoy having my husband on this ride. I like him a lot. I like being with him. I’m trying to be conscious of how I talk to him, interact with him, if I brush off his compliments or neglect him while I’m working. I’m much more aware of how I make my requests.
And you know what? We’re a work in progress. But what marriage isn’t? All I know is we’re doing the best we can to make this relationship work.
Edited to add: I put this in the comments, but it’s worth including in the actual post. We have disagreements like any other couple and we’ve come a long way in terms of 1) how long it takes us to resolve a conflict 2) how respectful we are toward each other while doing so and 3) not arguing about every little thing (picking our battles). I hope my kids see how much work goes into a marriage, but also how great the rewards are.
Do you feel confident about the relationship blueprint you’re leaving your kids?
Great discussion topic. I think this is something everyone worries about. Here’s my perspective:
My parents kept their arguments behind closed doors…for 18 years. Then, they divorced when I went to college and my world came crashing down.
I don’t think kids should witness abusive interactions, but I think it is absolutely essential for them to understand that disagreements happen every day and their parents still love each other afterwards. If they see none of it, they will have unrealistic expectations of their own relationships in the future.
There is no perfection in marriage, and you shouldn’t worry yourself about achieving it! Just act naturally and let your kids see you that way; they can feel it if you put on a show.
This is a great post! Its so true that they will learn so many lessons from what they see us do more than what we say. Its so true that its scary. I have to say that we do argue about in front of our little girl. Our arguments never get particularly heated I have to say.
We’re happy for her to overhear us disagreeing, provided that she is also there to hear us compromising, resolving, kissing and making up. We feel its important that we don’t shelter her too much to the point that she thinks Mummy is always happy with Daddy and vice versa. I definitely want to give her an impression of a healthy relationship like you say. I’m all for limiting the mistakes she has to learn for herself, and I think part of that means knowing how to handle opinions that differ from your own, knowing how to talk things out and knowing that no-one is perfect. I think these skills are so important for kids to equip them for adulthood where this harsh world we live in. I really really dont want her to think that I am perfect or that her Daddy is, because I fear it will set her up for a big disappointment lol We just arent ‘perfect’ in any way and we’re very much OK with this lol That said, there are some conversations that we def. shelter her from until she is old enough to understand.
You make such a good point about the blueprint idea. I will definitely be checking myself to make sure we don’t swing too far the other way. No more eye-rolling! lol This is a classic parenting issue of finding the unique balance for your family.
Great post! Thanks for the reminder and sorry that my reply is soo long! lol
@Mrs. O – I like your point about not thinking Mommy and Daddy are perfect. We have disagreements like any other couple and we’ve come a long way in terms of 1) how long it takes us to resolve a conflict 2) how respectful we are toward each other while doing so and 3) not arguing about every little thing (picking our battles). I hope my kids see how much work goes into a marriage, but also how great the rewards are.
Great topic.
I think it’s hard to be married because there isn’t a blueprint for marriage AND it’s hard work. No one tells you how hard it’s gonna be, they just tell you the fairy tale. But the hubs and I do argue in front of our kids because we want them to see the good and the bad, but we also try to be respectful in our disagreements. It doesn’t always work but the kids see that resolution too.
@Daene – I think it is important for kids to understand the disagreements happen. Because conflict is inevitable. But I think I can do better (both of us can do better) at eliminating some of the disrespectful parts of our disagreements. No marriage is perfect, but I want to make sure it’s healthy. Does that distinction make sense?
Hi Tara,
I think your 3 points totally sum it up – you have yourself a follow-up post there sweets! : ) I love each one! A fourth point could be the tone that we use in our battles lol There is a difference between an understanding, empathetic, solution focussed tone and a patronising, tired, can’t even be bothered tone! xxx Keep up the fab blogging!
I’ve definitely bickered in front of my daughter but there was one time we argued a little toooo much in front of her and she said “no mommy daddy, no”. I was shocked because it did not occur to me that she knew what was going on – she’s 2. They know. It won’t happen again. I don’t think she should think we never have issues but we should do our best to keep her from seeing anything toxic.
I’m not married, but ummm…. ditto! You’re teaching them HOW to love and WHAT love looks like and I’m so glad that’s what shapes your family culture. I try to do the same, even though it’s just Aiden and me in the house. When things are not going my way and I’m frustrated over something, I try to remember that I’m teaching him HOW to love.
I agree with the idea of no arguing in front of the kids, but I also would like my kids to know what a healthy relationship looks like. My husband and I have discussions in front of my daughter (never yelling), and she sees how we reach a compromise or an agreement and are okay with each other.
Healthy relationships has ups and downs, and its important for my daughter to know this. It takes work at a relationship, and not everyone is going to be right all the time. But she will learn the rules of engagement and how to talk to someone who you love–regardless if you’re happy or not.
I agree, to not argue in front of the little ones, but I am guilty of some of that. I think it’s important to show children that disagreements are a normal part of any relationship and above all, we can respect each other when we disagree.