In my graduate courses this semester, I’m learning how to help families fix their problems while focusing on their strengths. Sounds challenging, and it is, but I’m so grateful this knowledge is spilling over into my marriage.
I can admit freely that some resentment had built up between my husband and I because I felt he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Can’t he see these dishes in the sink? Is he really going to watch football all Sunday while the laundry pile threatens to swallow the children? I guess I have to not only make dinner, but I have to clean up the kitchen too? Ugh…
The problem wasn’t him. It was me. Whenever I went to express myself to him, I was using the wrong language. I would say, “I’m really tired from doing everything by myself.” All he heard was, “You never help me.” Neither of which was true. I wasn’t really doing everything by myself and he did help me quite a bit. We simply had a disconnect on how to get on the other person’s level.
So using the skills I acquired in classes, I figured out how to turn my usual negative-sounding requests into nicely wrapped requests that give us both a chance to put our guard down and focus on the issue at hand. The phrase most likely to turn off my husband? Anything starting with “You never…”
Instead of saying, ”You never XYZ…” focus on the XYZ of your statement and ask yourself, “Is it true that he or she never does this? Has never done this?” Even if it’s true, there are few phrases with the potential to spark a discussion like those that begin with “You never…” After all, when you’re trying to discuss a problem, the goal is to avoid getting your partner on the defensive, and instead for them to focus their energy on getting to the solution.
Step one is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Well, if “you never…” isn’t true, then what’s the real deal? More likely, it’s “You used to do XYZ and it made me feel good.”
Step two is to ask yourself: what’s changed in your life between then and now? Have you had more kids? Jobs gotten more demanding? As I learned in class, you have to look at all the factors that affect your relationship. Outside influences count too! Sweeten the message by acknowledging those other factors.
Step three is to appreciate the effort your boyfriend/husband does bring into the relationship. Too often when we get into the “You never…” or “Why can’t you…” phrases, we are blinded by the issue and we can’t focus on all the other contributions that person brings to the marriage. When I’m fussing at my husband about his inability to load the dishwasher, I’m not thinking about the fact he takes the trash out every week. Train yourself to think positive first and foremost.
So how does this look in action?
Old way: “You never listen to me when I’m trying to tell you about my day.”
New way: “Can we set aside 20 minutes after the kids go to bed to talk about what’s going on, what happened during our day? It seems like it’s too difficult to do once we first get home since the kids need so much attention and I know you like to unwind a bit after a long day at work.”
How can you train yourself to go for the positives and focus on solutions whenever an issue arises in your relationship?
This is really great advice. I often start with “you never” which I think is just a really bad way to start things, but somehow its always what comes out, its almost easier to say it that way. But I appreciate the alternatives in the post, its way less confrontational and I’m pretty sure my husband will be very receptive!
I love love love love this. I feel like the problem in so many marriages is when the wife feels like things aren’t fair or even with their spouse but instead of talking it out they just expect the guy to know what they’re feeling!
Communication is so important and the obvious problem is that guys and girls don’t communicate the same way! We have to learn how to talk it out to get what you want.
Another thing I always do before speaking when I’m upset, is NOT saying anything until I’ve thought it through, and am no longer upset. Pointless arguments can happen when you speak from emotion only.
Great article, this really is good to hear especially since we have had major changes in our lives and things are crazy to say the least! Our oldest just started school, and my husband just had some changes at work that leave him more stressed. So we are both in need of some better and more helpful rebooting times!
I like also that you told us to use a little sugar, to often we attack things with negativity and say things we really don’t mean or intend to!
A little sugar never hurt! No one likes to be confronted in a negative manner. Bryan and I work hard at keeping the lines of communication open and positive. There are times when the tone of our words are a bit harsh and unrelenting. When we have a moment to step back and clarify the situation, we acknowledge the fact that we may not use the right words or tone in addressing each other. We apologize and find time to talk and resolve the issue.
LIfe is busy and hectic. However, good communication is important. My husband is more willing to do things when I use a little sugar…
@Victoria – I had to learn to stop talking if I was angry. Had to go calm down, get some space and THEN come back and talk. But not before I got a grip on my emotions.