All this talk about “Be Sexy.” You’re a Sex Goddess. Don’t be so hard on yourself, etc.

I’m about to expose myself as a phony.

Last week I had a meltdown because my husband teased me about a hole in one of my gloves. I MELTED. I was full-on CRYING, you guys. Breathing hard. Face all hot. Kids looking concerned.

It made me realize  how fragile even the strongest sense of self-confidence can be, especially in front of those we care about the most. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I always, always want to be my best in front of him.

I don’t like it when he catches a glimpse of an ashy leg, or a old pair of undies, or even a small thing like a hole in my gloves. I don’t like it when my toenail polish is chipped or I wake up to my hair sticking straight up in uncontrollable curls.

I want to be a sexy, confident, put together Mama who has everything under control. I want to be able to balance all that I do (full-time job, full-time mom to two kids under 3, caring wife, thoughtful daughter and sister, great friend, bad-ass blogger, nonprofit communications consultant, ETC.) with a smile.

I don’t want to be run-down and tired EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. So tired that I don’t wanna even THINK about exercising or so tired that I don’t realize when it’s been months since I last shaved my legs.

I want to be sexy. I want to be alluring. I want to look like that young sexy chick I did when my husband and I were first dating. I mean, heck, look at me back in 2005:

Ugh! Too cute, right? Look at those stilettos! Look at my cleavage! Look at that NATURAL face - no makeup!!!! Look at those nice toned arms!! Michelle Obama WHO?

Now, I definitely can’t fit that dress anymore, but the shoes are still in my closet (and they probably still hurt like heck, but whatevs.) I want to bust them out, go on a proper date and feel like I still have it.

It just kills me how it’s so much more of a challenge to be the confident woman I used to know so well.

So let me apologize to all the moms who maybe felt that I was making it seem like getting your groove back would be easy. It’s not easy and in many cases it’s a daily struggle.  

I still struggle with it. Daily. Hourly, even. But I do know that it’s possible.

I know a lot of my readers might have missed Sade during her last run on the music charts. After all, it’s been 10 years since her last album, when most of us were still in high school!

But I will testify that, as an old soul, she makes some EXCELLENT music. Some might say baby-making music, but don’t get scared. LOL.

Have you seen the video for her latest single? (I keep saying “her” when it should be “they” since “Sade” is a group, but we all know her as the frontwoman.) Tell me you don’t want to ask her what STOPS HER FROM AGING. My goodness!

Sade has a new CD, Solider of Love, hitting stores tomorrow and I am giving away three copies for my readers. ( I’d say you have a great shot at winning.)

 If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know I like to keep my giveaways simple, right? Right. Well, here’s all you have to do to win.

Mandatory entry:

Leave a comment saying you’d like to win. For fun, you can name your Sade song. If you don’t have one, that’s okay by me. (For the record, my favorite Sade song is By Your Side. Could listen to it all day every day.)

Extra entries:

1) Follow The Young Mommy Life on Twitter.

2) Become a fan on Facebook.

Contest ends February 15 at 5 p.m. Winners will be chosen at random, meaning the more times you enter the better chance you’ll have at winning!

You think “Victoria’s Secret” and you think “lingerie,” right? (Well, if you’re like me, you probably think, “Why can’t they get more realistic-looking mannequinns?” Am I right, ladies?)

But dang it if I didn’t realize what a cute shoe collection they have! I was watching Wendy Williams (I know - why on Earth did I do that?) and she mentioned that her beyond fab-u-lous five inch pumps were by Colin Stuart. “Very affordable,” she added.

“Colin Stuart, hmmm?” I think to myself. “I’ve heard that name before. Let me see…”

So I Google. And I realize Colin Stuart is with Victoria’s Secret. Sweet! Look at some of my favorites:

Oooh!!! Four inchers are my favorites. And red? Peep toe? Platform? WHERE’S MY DEBIT CARD? These babies run for $69. Totally inappropriate for my day-to-day life, but I’d be happy if I could just stare at these lovelies in my closet every day.

I just started wearing wedges last summer and these babies are FIVE inchers. Oooh, wee! Can you just imagine the curve of your leg in this shoe? Super sexy. Only $65. Can’t beat it. Think I’d be able to wear these, chasing after my toddlers this summer?

Okay, so every pair of shoes I buy can’t be four inches or more. I need some flats. I love metallic sandals because they are great at adding a bit of “Pow!” to an outfit.  Heck, I bought a cute pair of gold Kenneth Cole thong sandals when I was pregnant with my son simply because I thought the gemstones on them would detract from my swollen ankles! These metallic flats would be perfect for me. For you, too, right?

Let me know where you’ve seen some cute shoes lately. We could all use a new pair, right?

If I can do anything with this blog, it’s my hope that I can help others. I don’t do this so I can land a spot on a Top 50 Bloggers list, or earn tons of money in ad revenue, but so I can reach moms wherever they are and have them feel like they have a place to belong. Period.

So when Jeannette Pai-Espinosa, president of the National Crittenton Foundation, asked me to mention two initiatives they are working to promote, I said, “Sign me up!”

Both of them are through Change.org, and if the ideas get enough votes, then they will be presented to appropriate members of the Obama Administration to become reality. Let’s make it happen!

The first is a program proposing that young single mothers who graduate from high school with a certain GPA be eligible for college grants and scholarships. Who can’t get behind that? If we help young moms continue their education, we can help break the cycle of poverty that so many get entrenched in. Click here to vote for this initiative. It needs 72 more votes to make it to the final round!

The second initiative is beyond brilliant. They are proposing that we create family networks for young single mothers, who too often end up parenting alone and don’t have the support they need to become happy, fulfilled moms. This network would allow them to reach out to young moms in their area so they would have a local support system to lean on when times get rough. (And we’ve ALL been there.) Click here to vote for this initiative. It needs 13 more votes to make it to the final round!

So what say you? Can you take a moment or two to vote for these initiatives? I did my part - will you?

The day started at 5 a.m., the alarm sounding and bringing thoughts of, “Didn’t I JUST go to bed five minutes ago?” Swing your feet over the edge of the bed, stretch a little and stumble through the morning routine: clothes, brush teeth, grab breakfast and lunches, head out the door.

Then there’s traffic. Then work. Then a lunchtime workout saps what little energy is left. A long day at work, then rushing home to get dinner on the table. Wrestle the kids into pajamas. Brush their teeth.

You are almost tapped out. If you were a computer, this is when the warning bubble would come on and advise you to plug it in.

Your little girl looks up at you, big brown eyes sparkling. “Mommy, can you read me these stories?” Her arms are outstretched, holding five or six books. Long books. (Side note: Who the heck decided Curious George books should be 40+ pages?)

You’re exhausted. The thought of reading even one book makes you cringe. You just want to tuck these kids in the bed, turn off the light and go collapse someplace comfy.

But instead you grab a book. “Sure, sweetheart. Let’s read.”

The smile on your kids’ face says it all.

That was my day yesterday. Tired as all get out. It was all I could do not to pass out while slipping the kids into their night clothes. But I gave just a bit more energy, squeezed a little more of myself to give to my kids.

That’s what moms do. We give. And give. And give. We give freely. We give often. We give sometimes begrudgingly. But we give.

I’ve heard from so many moms lately around the topic of sex, and I wanted to write a follow-up post to yesterday’s “Keeping (or getting) it hot” post dedicated just to you.

Dear Mom Not Getting Enough Sex,

One thing I do know is that we, as women, as mothers, are way too hard on ourselves. We want to be great mothers, great partners, do a great job around the house, hang with friends, and then to top it all off, we think we’re supposed to transform into this ready and willing sex goddess at will.

Well, let me tell you: it’s too much pressure. Don’t beat yourself up because things are different. Yeah, you told me about how it used to be pre-baby. About how you used to be this stiletto-wearing, low-rise jean owning, sexyface self. But guess what?You had kids. Things change. You probably won’t get back to exactly where you were. You probably won’t be able to spend your Saturdays naked in bed eating Chinese food and burning it off through, um, exercise. Horizontal exercise.

But you know what? This is okay. I always tell moms that it can take a few years (yes, YEARS) to get things back on track. Kids won’t be so little, so helpless, forever. You will have more time for you. I promise.

If you want something to change in your sex life, it has to begin with you. No one can make you feel sexy if you don’t truly believe it. So if you don’t feel sexy, make one change. Something small. See how it affects you. Get up 15 minutes earlier. Buy a new bra. Get some Spanx if you’re uncomfortable with your post-baby body. Take bubble baths before bed. Do something that makes you feel sexy. Then channel that.

Need a more of a boost? Try something new. This guide from Women’s Health  magazine allows you to input exactly what you’re working with (stamina, flexibility, ahem, size) to come up with a sex position that works for both of you. Need even more spice? Pick up one of these Naughty of Nice coupon books and cash in on some great lovin’. Clueless where to start? Pick up the newly released  Mominatrix book from the ultra knowledgable Kristen Chase.  By the time you finish the book, you should be back on track.

My point is that it won’t happen overnight. You will (unfortunately) have to work at it. But having a happy, thriving sex life should be FUN. You should enjoy the journey. Make small changes, until you can look up one day and feel good about where you are. Okay? Do this one just for me.

 I’m not sure what it’s like for childless couples, but I understand how a healthy, thriving, sex life can get pushed to the bottom of the to-do list (no pun intended) once the babies come. 

• “I’ve had a long day. I’m too tired for sex.” Some women figure their men can fend for themselves, so they think, “Oh, it’ll be okay, I’ll make it up to him tomorrow.” But men don’t necessarily think like that. They see it was rejection. Rejection night after night after night isn’t good for anyone’s spirits. And this goes for women too. Fellas, your woman wants to feel beautiful, sexy, desirable, ESPECIALLY after her body has gone through changes to give birth to your kids. Pulling out the “I’m too tired” card more than once in a blue moon can deflate an ego in a heartbeat. If you find yourself too tired for sex, try it at different times. Maybe bedtime is not the right time for you, but maybe in the morning or right after dinner.
• “Why don’t we kiss anymore?” Some couples were never too big on the little displays of affection to begin with. But if you were one of those cutesy, “No, I love YOU more” couples and now a day or two could go by without even eye contact, then you’ve got some work to  do. Make it a point to touch your spouse. Kiss the back of their neck when you walk by. Hold their hand when you’re sitting on the couch together. Let them put their feet in your lap and give them a foot rub. Kiss before you go to bed. Rub their leg while you’re driving. (Well, maybe not the last one. Could mess up your concentration. LOL) The point is, you have to put in the same effort you did before, even though your plate has more on it now.
• “She/he just doesn’t dress like they used to.” I was majorly guilty of this one. I used to wear cute, clingy low-cut tops, hip-hugging jeans and sky-high heels every time we went out. Pardon my ego, but I was HOT! Then I had kids. Those low-cut tops showed off my impossibly unsexy nursing bras, so they had to go. My jeans were still hip-hugging but not because I wanted them to be. I replaced my heels with cute flats. My wardrobe had changed in almost every way, and while my husband didn’t say anything, I know he noticed. So once my kids were a little older and I was out of the “Which bodily fluid am I getting splashed with today?” stage, I tried to make little changes. I bought some 4-inch wedge sandals. Sexy, but more comfortable. I lost 10 pounds (go me!) and bought some skinny jeans. Hubby has definitely sat up and taken notice. Little changes are usually all you can do if you’ve been putting your appearance on the back burner. Chances are, any little change won’t go unnoticed.
• “He’s not as romantic as he used to be.” Ladies, I’ve got your back on this one. My husband was the KING of romance when we were dating. You know what he used to call me? “QUEEN.” I was dating a man who actually called me “QUEEN.” You know what he calls me now? He doesn’t call me anything. He just waits until I’m in the general vicinity and starts talking. So I know a little something about romance going by the wayside. But I’ve found that if you want romance to come back to your relationship, you might have to create it yourself first. Surprise him or her with a bouquet of flowers/gift at their job. Give them a good back rub without them having to ask. Make the effort on your part and you’ll be surprised at how it changes things.

How many of you have a Facebook account?

*looks around at all the raised hands*

How many of you are fans of the Young Mommy Life on Facebook?

*a few hands raise*

Now, ladies, can we talk? Sure we can. I don’t blog for the heck of it. I don’t do anything for the heck of it.

I blog because I wanted to change things. I wanted to change the way younger moms were viewed in society. I wanted young moms who were struggling to find people to relate to, to be able to type in www.theyoungmommylife.com and be connected with people who shared her same fears, dreams and goals.

I created our Facebook group (www.facebook.com/theyoungmommylife) as a place where we could talk, have fun, share stories, etc. I really do love the community we’ve built here, but I also wanted it to continue outside of these “walls.” So next time you log in to Facebook, do check us out. If you’re not already a fan, click the little button next to the Page name and join. I don’t want large numbers in the group just for the sake of having a large group. I want moms to connect. Period.

I will do my best to create conversation and give you something to look forward to every day. Now - will you join us?

I almost don’t want to write anything, but just you watch this movie and come up with your own conclusions. I’ll set it up a little for you.

The following video was part of a teen pregnancy prevention campaign in Milwaukee. With teen pregnancy rates rising, the good folks at BabyCanWait.com took strides to combat it in their area. Early estimates say the movie (along with other tactics, including a scratch-and-sniff diaper billboard) helped reduce teen pregnancy rates by 10%. I call BS, but I’ll let you watch and judge for yourself:

“Get pregnant and the next 18 years will be the hardest of your life.” Yup, get pregnant as a teen and your life is over. The kid’s father will leave you, your family will be in shambles, your son will turn in to a bully, beating up other kids in an alley, before turning into a teen with a penchant for illegal activities. 

I understand the point they were trying to make - teen pregnancy isn’t glamorous. But it isn’t all handcuffs and crying on the couch with the lights cut off.

I personally think showcasing a day in the life of a “real mom” would have been more effective. Show a mom struggling to bring groceries in the house while carrying her baby in the car seat. Show a mom getting a paycheck and then immediately turning around to use half of it to pay for daycare. Show a mom doing all the little things that girls don’t think about when they think having a baby will be a good move.

What do you think? Is this PSA effective? Is it offensive?

So much of motherhood is stressful. The baby pooped right as you were ready to head out the door, you forgot to pick up diapers and now your kid is sitting in a roll of paper towels while you run to the store. You snap at your partner because he decided the five minutes before dinnertime was the perfect time for him to veg out on the couch watching SportsCenter (YoungDaddy, I’m talking to you.)

It is precisely when you seem to be having one too many of these days in a row when you need to plan a day with your kids. I know you’re thinking, “I spend every day with them - what are you talking about?”

When was the last time we planned something for our kids? I don’t mean signing them up for a class or taking them on a playdate. I mean playing a whole day of fun stuff to do. Like a date.

Take your kids to the movies. Give ‘em some popcorn. Take ‘em to the mall, and then out to dinner. Go to a museum, or a special event that’s in town. Go to Chuck E. Cheese, if you can stand it. Make a special date with your kids and let them help you plan the activities for that day. Make it fun. Let them pick out a special outfit and make sure you look “special” too.

Sometimes we need to get out of the day-to-day drudgery and shake things up with something new. I try to “date” my kids at least once a month. Just me and my babies. No TV, no Twittering, no writing, no blogging. Just my babies.

So your challenge: Plan a Mommy and Kids Day. Let me know what you get into.

Well, this is the last challenge. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! I’m more well rested, my boobs look better and my toes are super cute. If you missed a challenge, find them all here.

I don’t know what it is, but a good foot rub can almost be as good as an orgasm. (I said, almost.)

Afterward you have that same light, tingly sensation flowing throughout your lower half and that inexplicable, “Honey, can I make you some breakfast?” desire. Whenever my husband would give me a footrub (and damnit, I don’t know why those offers only come once every five years), I would be floating around as light as a ballerina for the next day or so.

You figure, you’re on your feet so much as a mom, and by the end of the day your feet are hot, sweaty and in need of some attention. But how many of us make it a regular thing to do a quick foot rub before bed, or better yet, soak our feet and slather on some magical foot cream guaranteed to have our soles baby smooth by morning? Not many of us, I’m guessing.

So here’s your challenge: Do something to pamper your feet before bed tonight. Even if it’s just letting the bathtub fill up one or two inches and soaking them in there. (True story: I used to soak my feet in the sink. Don’t judge me. I’d sit on the counter, fill the sink up and soak ‘em. Granted, I wear like a size 5 1/2 shoe, so not everyone’s feet will fit comfortably.) Grab that nail polish from the first challenge and paint your toes pretty. 

Here’s some of my favorite products for foot-rub worthy feet:

1. St. Ives Apricot Scrub - Is this the best multiuse product ever? I use this scrub all over my body, not just on my face. I actually prefer to use it on my body because I think it’s a little thick for my face. It smells positively delicious and the best part is that it’s available everywhere and it costs $6 max.

2. HoMedics Footsoak Tub. Now, on the website, it says it’s $50, but I’ve never seen it for more than $39 at the stores. So go check it out. I love it because it has attachments that allow you to soak AND scrub the dead skin off your feet at the same time. The jets from the water feel like someone is softly stroking your feet. (Oooh, la, la!)

3. Vaseline, plastic wrap and socks. This is pretty old-school, I think. After I do the scrub and soak my feet, then I usually slather my feet with Vaseline (or another really thick cream), wrap my feet in plastic wrap, then slip on some socks and go to bed. It is important that you are ready to go to bed before you do this; otherwise you will be sliding all over your floors. Wake up in the morning and your feet will be baby smooth. LOVE it!

Did you pamper your tootsies? Let me know in the comments!

For more on the Happy Mom challenge, click here.

Welcome to the Happy Mom challenge. For more on this series, click here.

My purse is a mess right now. Like, seriously. I can’t find anything, it takes me more than four seconds to hoist it up on my shoulder because it’s so heavy, but the worst part of all is that I can’t seem to stop myself. Right now, I have a big roomy purse, big enough for all my essentials and then some.

What’s in my purse right now? Let’s see…

• wallet
• loose dollar bills
• iPod car adapter
• day planner
• “thoughts” notebook
• loose receipts
• cell phone
• two AA batteries
• six random business cards
• empty makeup bag
• small felt baggie that’s supposed to hold my Flip camera
• empty Ziploc bags that used to hold my kids’ snacks
• two pairs of gloves
• my work cell phone
• my daughter’s almost empty inhaler I carry around for emergencies
• umbrella
• car keys
• feminine products
• a bottle of Victoria’s Secret Cranberry spritz
• a jump drive

This is actually a good list, because I emptied my purse last week. This is actually what I consider to be the “essentials.” Since I have what I (and others) call a “suitcase,” EVERYTHING ends up in there and it usually takes me a few days to get everything that’s not needed out and in its proper place.

I notice whenever I do clean my purse, I feel better. I feel more organized and more….ready to go. I can find things when I need them and I’m not fooling around wasting time when my time is better spent kicking ass and taking names. You know?

So this is your challenge for this lovely Friday: clean out your purse. Get rid of those loose scraps of paper, grab all the change at the bottom and put it in the piggy bank, organize your wallet. Little changes add up to big changes, ladies.

I found myself in a rut last year, as moms sometimes do.

I would wake up, get my kids dressed, go to work, come home, make dinner, feed my kids, bathe my kids, read stories to my kids, tickle my kids, give my kids goodnight kisses, and then tuck my kids into bed. Then I’d go to my computer to work to bring in additional income to take care of my kids. Every day. The same thing.

But then I started meeting with my friend Arlice for monthly “Writer Mama” meetings at our local Borders, where we plot how exactly we’re going to take over the world. (Oh, yes, it’s coming and wait ’til you hear about Arlice’s project! It’s gonna change the game for everyone!) A newbie at this motherhood stuff, I began soaking up some of the wisdom she has gained over the years as a young, savvy mama of four.

My girl had an obssession with lattes. Always got one whenever we met. She told me she frequently stopped at Borders before heading home, making it her own little happy hour spot.

I admit I never understood how she could do it.  I was overwhelmed with my two kiddos - she had FOUR. Wouldn’t the house fall apart if she wasn’t home ASAP? Wouldn’t the kids drive her overwhelmed hubby up a wall, leaving him ragged by the time she got home? How could I sit and leisurely flip through magazines knowing good and well my kids hadn’t seen me all day?

But then I realized - she had it right. She had figured out a way to keep her finger on the pulse of what was important in her life. She needed that time to recharge and refocus so that when she did go home, she was able to give her all to the four kids who demanded her attention.

I tried it a couple times and I was pleasantly surprised at how much more patient and calm I was when I got home. I was still in a blissful state by the time the kids started up with their “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, may I please have…?”

So this is your challenge: Find somewhere to go before you head home. For one day, have your own happy hour before you go home and become Mommy. Now, you could do like Arlice and read to your local bookstore, grab a latte and flip through the latest issue of insert-the-name-of-your-favorite-magazine-here. Or, heck, you can stop at the gas station, grab a drink and sip it in the parking lot. These don’t have to be elaborate plans. Just something to give yourself time to shift from one role to another.

Let me know in the comments what you did for your very own happy hour!

Welcome to the #HappyMom challenge. For more information on the challenge, click here.

This is the flip side to yesterday’s challenge of starting the day before the kids wake up.

Today’s challenge is to give yourself permission to go to bed early. And I don’t mean like 11 p.m. early. I mean like put-the-kids-to-bed-and-then-get-your-butt-in-the-bed-too.

I’ve talked to soooo many moms and they admit that they cherish the time they have to themselves after the kids go to bed, staying up until midnight, 1 a.m. I’m guilty of it too. Then we wake up and wonder why we’re so tired.

Glamour and the Huffington Post have come up with a sleep challenge, to get women to get that bed and stay in it for at least 7 hours a night, or however many hours you need to feel your best. Check out the latest blog post from Glamour’s editor-in-chief on cutting down your to-do list in order to make more time to sleep.

So for my Happy Mom challenge, do this for me: Whatever time you usually go to bed, go to bed one hour earlier. Let’s just move in baby steps here.

Now, I understand that if you followed my advice and are getting up one hour earlier, then you’re just shifting what time you get out of bed, not really gaining any hours of sleep. BUT! My point is that we shouldn’t do both - we can’t stay up all hours of the day and night and then get up early and operate at our full potential.

Point blank: We need to do this. We NEED to get our rest. I’m so guilty of this. I get about 5 hours of sleep each night (if I’m lucky) and I usually don’t fall asleep - I pass out. It’s a bad habit.

Let’s all give ourselves permission to go to bed early. I’m talking like 8 p.m. Hell, 7:45 if you can swing it. What’s the worst that can happen if you go to bed early one night?

Leave me a comment letting me know what time you usually go to bed. I’m calling you out!

Welcome to challenge #5 of the Happy Mom series. For more info, click here.

So how many of you have living, breathing alarm clocks? By this I mean, you wake up every morning because the kids are awake. Then you jump out of bed, feeling like you’re already 10 minutes behind on your whole day.

Yup, that used to be me. Then I started working out in the mornings. (I know - shocking. If you had told me two years ago that I would be happily waking up at 5 a.m. just to sweat, I would’ve slapped you.)

I give myself time for a 25-minute workout, a nice, relaxed breakfast, and a nice, warm hot shower all before my kids woke up. If I was really ambitious, I could start dinner (yes, in the morning). My days were so much more calm because I could be PROACTIVE instead of just reacting to things all the time. I could get up early and with a clear head remember that The Boy needs more diapers at daycare and The Girl needs a spare pair of pants. I could remember that today is the day I meet with the designers on a project at work so I need to bring in some sample of other pieces I’ve produced. 

By waking up early, I’m ahead of the game and you know as a mom, that rarely happens.

But the best part of waking up before the kids (and I do mean a good hour, hour and a half before the kids wake up) is my morning tea. I just started this ritual but man, does it work for me. Get up early, immediately put on some water for tea. I don’t have a tea kettle so I just use the microwave. Then I let my tea bag steep while I do a few other things. Then I leisurely sip my tea and don’t think about anything at all. Nothing. Nada.

By the time I’m down to the last drop, I’m golden. I’m ready to face my day.

So this is your challenge, if you don’t do this already. Wake up a little earlier. I know your kids might be early risers, so getting up even earlier than they do might hurt a little bit. But try it. I promise you’ll like it. Let me know what time you got up and what you did with this newfound “me time.” *smile*

For those of you who don’t know, I’m writing a book.

In order to get a wide variety of young moms’ opinions, I’m asking all my readers (and you can tell moms you know) to give their views on everything from money management to dealing with rude comments when you’re a young’un with a kid.

Each Tuesday, I’ll write a post around a specific topic and ask you to fill out a short survey to give your input.

So are you ready?

For the first of the weekly “Tell It Like It Is” Tuesday posts, we’re going to talk about relationships after motherhood. How they changed for better or worse, what was suprising, what you expected, etc.

To take part in the Tell It Like It Is Tuesday series, where responses to the questions will be collected and sprinkled in my new book, please click here to speak your mind. Let me tell you, this is my first time doing anything of this magnitude, so if you experience any problems, please let me know!

Welcome to challenge #4 in the Happy Mom series.

I knew motherhood had changed my life forever when I started rejecting movies based on their length. It took me an entire weekend of start-pause-start-pause-rewind-start-”What did he say?”-pause-play to watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which clocks in at almost three hours.

After that, I started watching movies that were a more comfortable hour and a half. But then I realized, if I want to watch a three-hour movie, then dang it, I should be able to watch a three-hour movie!

But it was hard to just sit and focus on one thing - an incredibly good movie with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchet, by the way - for so long. Someone was always interrupting me. “Mommy, can I have some orange juice?” “What’s for dinner?” “Thomas took my toys!” “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.” “Can you help me find my socks?”

So yes, I know this is hard, but this is your challenge: sit down and give yourself time to watch a long movie. Short films (under two hours) don’t count here. (At a loss at what movie to watch? Here’s a list of some longer movies to enjoy. And if there’s no long movie that you want to see, then watch two short ones back to back.) Pop some popcorn, put your feet up and enjoy some good cinematic storytelling. If your attention starts to wane, then use this time to do something for you. Paint your toes. Give yourself a good rubdown with some sweet-smelling lotion. Condition your hair. Do what you feel.

The point of this is not actually watching the movie. Well, it is. But the real point is that you are getting three hours of alone time. That is the point. I can usually be away from my kids for about an hour and then I start to feel guilty. But an extended period of “me time” every now and again never hurt anybody. *wink*

Let me know which movie you’re choosing in the comments. I think I’m going to use my three-day weekend to find some time to re-watch Benjamin Button - no interruptions this time.

Welcome to challenge #3 of the #HappyMom challenge. Need to catch up on previous challenges? Click here.

Challenge #3

Everyone talks about stress. “Oh, I’m so stressed. I need a vacation.” Or, “Man, work is really stressing me out.”

But do we really know what stress is? Do we know how to prevent it?

The most basic definition of stress is “physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.”  Sounds harsh, right?

Well, it is. Stress can cause:

Does any of that add up to being a happy mom to you? Nah, I didn’t think so either. What we need to do is recognize when we’re stressed (or getting there) and stop it in its tracks. Sounds harder than it is, but I know you can do it.

Next time you are in a situation where you feel your blood pressure rising and a headache is coming on, do one thing for me: Close your eyes.

Breathe and think of the first good thing that can come to your mind. Maybe it’s a date you have later on. Maybe it’s a nice warm bubble bath you’re going to take that evening. Maybe it’s a new kickboxing class you’re excited about. Whatever it is, don’t let the stress take hold. You are far too fabulous to be stressed out. Even on days when you don’t feel too fabulous to be stressed, remember that you are and that you kick ass wherever you go. Repeat after me, “I kick ass wherever I go.” See, you feel better already, don’t you?

UPDATE: I also want to add that most stress results from actions or situations that we can not control. If we could control them, we’d make them less stressful, right? See where I’m going with this? Sometimes we get worked up over decisions other people have made, or problems that we now have to solve. It’s taken me a while to comprehend this, but I can only control what I do. Sounds simple, but it’s really something you have to repeat to yourself day after day. YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL WHAT YOU DO. NO ONE ELSE. Stress less, ladies.

To read more about the #HappyMom challenge and why we’re doing it, click here.

And throw away the old ones while you’re at it.

Ladies, let’s talk. Your boobs have been through a lot. Pregnancy, engorgement, breastfeeding, biting (was it just my kids…?), sore nipples, etc. Let’s treat ‘em right. Here are some tips and stores to check out. They’ll help you get fitted and buy some new bras that won’t cost an arm and a leg (and thigh):

My tips:

• Try full coverage bras. They will make your boobs look better. Trust me. Now, for special occasions, by all means, pull out the Boobs Right Under the Chin bra and make the girls stand at attention. But for every day running around with the kids, a good sturdy, no-frills bra means the difference between feeling like a slub and feeling like a confident mommy on the go.  
• Buy a new black bra. Now, this is just my personal preference. I think black bras are sexy. White bras are not. Again, just my opinion. Maybe it’s because white bras remind me of nursing bras. WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT BE WEARING IF YOU ARE NOT BREASTFEEDING. Your child weaned off the boob, you wean off the nursing bras.
• Take the time to try bras on. Sometimes a certain cut doesn’t work in your size and you’ll need to try your “sister size.”  
• WIDE-STRAP BRAS ARE NOW YOUR FRIEND. Also see: MOLDED CUPS. Molded cups are the ones that look like your boobs are in them even when they’re not. Bras that depend on your boobs for their shape don’t do anything to flatter you.

Victoria’s Secret

Okay, now this is a secret to no one. VS has some good bras. They’re pricey, but they are good. I usually go there if I feel the need to be fitted. The saleswomen can usually look at you and toss some bras your way that will be the size you need. I’d take a look at this bra - could work for everyone.  

Target

I admit, this is where I buy most of my bras. I’m usually in the store buying other things, then I see a cute bra pattern and say, “Hmmm….think I need a new bra. I’ll get this one.” Currently, the best fitting bra I own comes from Target, so I’m not ashamed to tell you to go there to pick up a new bra. Try this one - I have it and love it.

Macy’s

Somewhere between Victoria’s Secret and Target, pop into Macy’s  next time you’re at the mall. I haven’t purchased any lingerie from Macy’s but I have some of their shapewear, which is awesome. Check out this bra - no underwire!

So there you have it. Some tips and tricks and stores to peruse. Go get yourself a new bra. Your boobs will thank you.

To read more about the #HappyMom challenge and why we’re doing it, click here.

Welcome to the first post of the Happy Mom challenge. For more information about the challenge, click here.

Challenge #1 - Buy some new nail polish

Now don’t give me the side eye - this is a good beginning. Baby steps, ladies, baby steps.

Go to the store, wherever you usually buy nail polish and check out the colors. If you don’t wear nail polish (party pooper), then pick another beauty item. Shampoo, body lotion, face wash, etc. Pick something that you would normally pick up and then quickly put back because you thought it “wasn’t for you.”

Maybe it’s a darker shade than you usually wear. Maybe it’s a more expensive brand. (Are y’all still wearing Wet N Wild?) Whatever it is, pick it up and pay for it. Don’t talk yourself out of it.

Then go home, lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to, but take your time putting it on. I started with the nail polish because it forces you to pay attention to yourself for the time it takes you to paint your nails and wait for it to dry.

So quit reading - go to the store and get some sexy colors. Remember, a #HappyMom is a better mom!

Tomorrow - new challenge!

Leave a comment letting me know if you’re ready to participate in the #HappyMom challenge. Follow me on Twitter for daily tips and advice on making time for yourself.

I’m currently writing a book on young motherhood. Perhaps you’ve heard about it by now.

In writing this book, I realize that simply writing what I know and what I think isn’t going to cut it. I only have one viewpoint and the book (which is a mix of “Girl, tell me about it” and “I wish I knew this earlier”) would really benefit from the voices of all the fabulous young moms I’ve come to know and love over the past year.
 
I plan to gather 75-100 young moms to give advice on everything from breastfeeding to picking a babysitter, to getting along with your significant other after the baby comes.

I want to talk to single moms, college moms, teen moms, engaged moms, moms who were engaged but broke it off after the baby came. I want rich moms, not-so-rich moms, career-oriented moms, moms who focus on the kids at home, moms who work at home. I want black moms, white moms, Latina moms, Asian moms.

I want this to be a book that ANY young mom who is serious about making the most of this journey called motherhood can pick up and enjoy.   

You all have powerful stories to tell. I just want you to be as real and as casual as possible. This will really help the book sing! Hated breastfeeding? Say so. Wish you had taken that out-of-state job offer? Tell me about it. I want you to tell me what you feel. Don’t worry about how you write. Just write from the heart.

If you’d like to join me, that’s lovely!  I’ll need you to fill out my initial survey, to get information about your situation. (For example, I don’t want to ask you questions about juggling motherhood and college work if you’ve never been to college.)
 
Here’s the first survey.
 
Every Tuesday for the next few weeks will be “Tell It Like It Is Tuesdays.” I will send out an e-mail with questions for that week and you can answer them anytime between then and the following Tuesday. If someone has an answer that could be explained a little further, I will contact you for some follow-up questions. 

Again, let me just say, you all are the best. I have never been so inspired, so awed, so confident that I can do anything since meeting such a wonderful group of women.
Here we go!

I’m not sure when it started or if it’s been a problem my whole life, but I’m definitely an emotional eater. It become oh-so-apparent after I had kids.

I always buy the healthiest things I can buy for my kids - organic apples, bananas, grapes, fat-free puddings and low-fat cheeses, etc. But whenever I was grocery shopping I’d always put a six-pack of cupcakes in the cart. Why? Well, I thought I needed them. Needed them to give me a quick pick-me-up after a long day at the office and wrangling kids at the dinner table and up into bed. I’d bite into the delicious sugary goodness and exhale. “Ahhh,” my body seemed to be saying. “Thank you for the goodies!”

But the high never seemed to last. As soon as I’d finish it, I’d feel bad, knowing that I scarfed down about 300 calories, with no plans to exercise or sweat a lick. So then I’d eat another cupcake, figuring that the faster I ate them, the sooner they would be out my house, no longer able to tempt me.

But then I’d go back to the store and more cupcakes would end up in my cart

I used sweets the way some people have a glass of wine at the end of the day. It was a slippery slope and nothing was cute about it. I gained a few pounds, nothing too noticeable, but I found that I winced more and more when I looked in the mirror.

I wasn’t happy. I was snapping at my husband. Stressing from work. Feeling inadequate as a mom. Trying to keep up with all my freelance projects and doing a lousy job. Worrying about money.

But as my 24th birthday rolled around, I made a pledge to do better. I said that from here on out, I would take better care of me. I had my first appointment at the spa that wasn’t for a special event. I’ve started a new workout routine and lost 5 pounds. I started getting up at 5:30 for the sole purpose of having a few moments to myself to start the day.

I haven’t had a cupcake in 35 days. To me, it’s almost like saying I’ve quit cigarettes cold turkey.

I feel better, because I have FINALLY, finally begun to put myself first. I quit snapping at my husband. I’ve gotten over the stress at work by channeling that into my workouts. I’ve gotten more quality time with my kids. Everyone seems to notice a difference, especially my husband. I’ve gotten my sex drive back, my clothes fit better and most of all, I’m happier.

If I could recommend ANYTHING to moms everywhere, it would be to start and end the day doing something just for you.

Wake up 20 minutes earlier to get a cup of tea, watch the sunrise, or catch a rerun of your favorite 90s show. (I watch Saved By The Bell religiously.) Make it all about you. We don’t do enough of that. At the end of a long day, soak your feet or ask for a foot rub. Take a nice warm bath. Read a magazine that has nothing to do with parenting. Watch a funny movie. Have sex. Have sex twice.

My point is, if you don’t put yourself first, who will? No one knows exactly what will make you feel good except you.

This is the first post of the #HappyMom challenge I’m working on. Throughout 2010, I want to help make it all about you. You are number one. Let’s make ourselves the priority. In order for our kids to be truly happy and to live the life we really want, we need to take better care of ourselves and what better time than the present? I’ve started taking better care of myself and it has already been an amazing journey.

They say it takes at least 21 days to form a new habit. Your new habit will be putting your well-being first. Thanks for joining on this ride!

To participate, follow me on Twitter and keep visiting the blog. Let’s share advice, tips, tricks, stories about how we plan to shake things up in 2010!

The judgmental stares start as soon as I pull up into the parking lot of the neighborhood park.

Among the rows and rows of gleaming silver and gold Honda Odysseys, I park my 1997 Buick LaSabre and pop the trunk. I grab the stroller out the trunk and head to one side of the car to unbuckle my 2-year-old daughter. I grab her hand and we head to the other side to get her younger brother.

I plop him in the stroller and take the kids to the maze of swings and slides.

The other mothers look up casually when they see me. Then they do a double take.

A young 20-something mom.

With two kids.

And I’m black.

“Hmmm,” I can hear them thinking. I live in an area where if I see another black person, I stop and make conversation. It’s that rare. So our presence was met with questioning looks. 

As we move to the different areas of the park, my daughter jumping from swing to swing, the other moms and kids scatter as we approach. I honestly don’t mind, because I like my privacy and don’t care for chit-chat when trying to keep up with two kids under two.

The awkwardness continues when it’s time to go home and I get the disapproving stares as I load my kids into my car with the high mileage and loud engine.

True, I don’t have the 2009 minivan of the year as I schlep my kids here and there. But you know what? I love my car just the same.

My husband (then boyfriend) purchased the car for me shortly after we discovered I was pregnant with our first. At the time, I had no car, no easy way to get to my doctor’s appointments. That man emptied his savings to get me that car to make sure WE (me and our unborn child) were okay. For me, that car is a big honking symbol of our love, even more so than my wedding ring.

But they wouldn’t possibly know that. Couldn’t know it. When I get questions like, “So is their dad in the picture?” I’m also sure they don’t care.

To be a young mom is one thing. To be a young black mom? That’s just asking for judgment.

I first noticed it with my first child, when I was in the hospital recovering after my C-section. Every doctor, nurse, janitor, even the lady that comes around to take the newborn photos, glanced slyly at my ring finger and casually made conversation like I was a single mom, even though my husband was sitting next to me and we were both wearing wedding rings.

People ask, “Are you the babysitter?” when I’m out with my crew.

Perfect strangers inquire about my salary and my ability to provide for my kids.

I’ve been verbally accosted by two elderly women for (get this) sitting in my car with my daughter outside of the drugstore. They looked in my car, wrinkled their noses, and I heard one mutter, “Babies having babies” as they walked away.

My coworkers almost always ask me how my boyfriend is doing, no matter how many times I correct them with “husband.”

Deep sigh.

It seems like motherhood only comes in two forms: the confident, advanced in her career 30-something mom or the downtrodden, why-didn’t-she-just-keep-her-legs-closed teen mom.

I fit neither of those categories. And I’m glad I don’t.

 I’ve learned more about myself, my values, my goals, my ambitions, my husband, my friends in the past three years than I would have otherwise. I became a mother before I was ready, but who is ever 100 percent ready for the job?

Lots of people spend their 20s learning who they are. I’m spending my 20s learning who I can be, with my kids there to witness.  

I love that they will be there every step of the way with me. They’ve had a front row seat to every accomplishment I’ve had thus far.  I took my final exams six days after giving birth to my daughter, my stomach throbbing from the stitches. I breastfed my daughter, then shrugged on my graduation gown and walked across the stage to grab my diploma. I got my first raise a few months after returning from maternity leave with my son.

They’re here to see it all, from beginning to end. When it’s all said and done, I will look back at my career and say, “We did this together.”

So when the other moms shun me on the playground, I don’t let it bother me. I hop in my trusty, reliable boat of a car, and throw a glance at the angels in the backseat.  

Wouldn’t trade it for the world. Or a new minivan.

Originally published on MyBrownBaby in 2009.

When I was younger (like 8 or 9) I had two games I would play with my sisters when we were bored. One was called “Homeless Woman.” One of us would stand in the hallway, pretending we were shivering and it was cold “outside.” Then we would open our bedroom door and invite the “homeless” one in. Then we would give her soup and put her in front of the “fireplace” and give her warm clothes to wear.

Real nice, right?

Yeah, well, the other game was called “Beat It.” Where we would put blankets over ourselves and the other sister would take a belt and beat us. Yes, beat us. You couldn’t feel it because the blankets created a barrier.

So I guess you could say I’m just a ball of extremes. I’m either on or off. No in between. My daughter is the same way.

She’s either the sweetest thing you will ever come across in your whole life or she is an attitude-having, eye-rolling, keeps-on-questioning-me DEE-VAH.

I can’t really say I don’t know where she gets it from, because I’ve seen so many of her outbursts that resemble mine. When she’s upset, you know it and you will continue to know it for a very, very long time. The girl can hold a grudge. For months. She’s still talking about stuff she’s mad about from Halloween.

I’ve been trying to modify or eliminate my bad habits completely. Especially my temper. Most of the people in my life don’t even know I have a temper. I’ve been working on it. But before? Before I decided to make some changes? Oooh-wee, I was a walking personification of “Don’t you f*** with me…”

So now I’m working even harder to make myself better. For my sake but also for my kids.  I’m trying harder to treat everyone with respect. To use my manners. To eat healthy. To exercise regularly. To make time for me and make sure that my kids know why. To be kind and loving toward their father. To show that I love them no matter what they do.