An Open Letter To Mom To Be Aubrey Howard

So the 18-year-old daughter of actor Terrance Howard (you know, Hustle & Flow, Pride, Red Tails, etc) got married over the summer and is expecting her first child in a couple weeks. A writer with Clutch magazine wrote a pretty sternly-worded letter to the young bride and soon-to-be mother entitled, “Aubrey Howard, You Have A Lot To Learn.” In it, she discusses why she thinks getting married and having a baby at 18 is irresponsible and a huge mistake. To make matters “worse,” the author blasts Aubrey’s choice to be a stay-at-home mom, at least for a little while.

Let me start by saying that I understand the concern. I get it. People seem to believe that your twenties are for traveling and college and finding yourself and discovering life. Anything that deviates beyond that is seen as a mistake.

Now let me give MY perspective on the matter.

Aubrey is a soon to be young mother and at the beginning of her marriage. I was in her shoes. I know how people look at you when you get married young and bring a baby into the equation. They think they know the way your life is going to pan out, they think they know what’s best for you and your family and they shake their heads vigorously as they tell you exactly where you’ve gone wrong.

It took a long time for me to realize that their opinions didn’t matter. That what mattered was my happiness and that of my family. I had to learn to trust myself to make those choices that would benefit my family, regardless of what outsiders had to say about it.

And to say that she wants to be a stay-at-home mom? That’s even bolder. Because stay-at-home moms get little respect from the world at large, but it’s more acceptable if you are 30+, have a degree or two and have a husband who is a more than capable breadwinner. It also helps if you’re white. But to be young, just married, no degree? It invites criticism.

I do advocate (and most stay-at-home moms will back me up) that all mothers, especially those who don’t work outside the home, have something that is their own—whether it’s a hobby, a small money-making business on the side, or just a good support system to get her through the days. That is what the author should have focused on, in my opinion.

Once the baby is on the way, all conversation needs to shift to support. What do you need to be a good mother? How are you feeling? All children deserve the best start in life and when their mother is constantly being reprimanded for her choice to have you, how does that benefit the child?  

So kudos to you Aubrey and CONGRATULATIONS on becoming a mother. It will be one of the most beautiful things you will ever experience so enjoy every minute. 

Comments

  1. Perfect! Less filling, tastes great! I mean, um, not judgmental, helps a lot!

  2. I couldnt have said it better!!

  3. EXCELLENT POST!

    I hate the short shrift that SAHMs get, even if you have a degree, then it’s “Why are you wasting your education by being a SAHM?”.

  4. My husband had one and then two bachelor’s degrees and stayed home to raise our kids most of the time. Society was NOT okay with that! Because staying at home to raise kids is not important, right?

  5. She’s married and having a baby and society tears her down. So what that she’s young? so what she’s choosing to stay home? She’s not doing anything wrong. There’s no ideal age for motherhood – something always has to give.
    She needs all the encouragement and good vibes she can get and I don’t mind passing some along to her.

  6. And if she were having a baby out of wedlock, they’d have something to say too. You can’t win with these people. Who asked them anyway!? SMH.

  7. There’s always something society is going to judge you on if you don’t do things the “textbook” way. The funny thing is that even some of those who do do things that way find that life still didn’t pan out the way they thought it would. …Nobody has the magic path for life!

  8. Awesome post. You certainly hit on the right points.

  9. The post may have been a bit judgemental, but the fact still remains that most people who marry before the age of 25 divorce. And the cause is usually financial strain. Maybe not a problem for this young lady as she comes from a well-off family, but it really is not the ideal situation for most young women.

    • I disagree that getting married before 25 is “not ideal.” Of course, you’re talking to someone who got married at 21 so…