A few weeks ago, a woman at a conference I was attending stopped me as she overheard me talking about my kids.
“You have kids?” she says, dumbfounded.
She had to be in her mid-to-late 50s, a look of disgust slowly creeping onto her face.
“Yes, I have two,” I say, as cheerful as could be. “A boy and a girl.”
“Why?”
My smile is gone. “Why what?”
She backtracks. “How old are you?”
Ahhh, I see where she’s going with this, I think to myself. Am I really dealing with this again? Again? Fine, let’s play along…
“I’m 23,” I say, without a hint of shame in my voice.
“And how old are your kids?”
“My oldest is 3.” Why are you explaining anything to her? I think to myself. Let her be nosy somewhere else.
“So you were 20.” She wrinkles her face like she just ate something bitter.
“Yes.”
“Why have kids so young?” she asks.
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“I mean, kids today have kids so young. What’s the rush? Why did you have kids so young?”
Did I mention that I am at a CONFERENCE and I don’t know this woman? Why is she all in my business asking me why and when and where I had my kids?
I try to keep my cool, but I’m sure it’s showing on my face that I’m irritated. “Life happens,” I say.
“Uh-huh. Okay. See, I don’t understand that…”
I simply stare at her. What more does she want me to say?
We have a brief 10-second stare down and she leaves as quickly as she came. WTF?
See, I’m really a nice person. I let people with fewer groceries cut in front of me at the store, I fill out surveys, I tip extra all the time, I dart ahead of mothers with strollers so I can get the door for them.
I do not NEED THIS. Judgmental questions from strangers about my reproductive history. Seriously? That interaction put me a foul mood for the rest of the day and I’m still a little heated now thinking about it.
I know I preach about being a young mom and how it’s great and lovely and we’re going to change things starting with this blog. But it’s moments like this that really (excuse my language…lol) piss me off.
What have I done besides work my butt off to be the best mother I can be? I’m up until midnight or later every night working, writing to bring in extra income, just to go to bed and wake up a few hours later to go to my day job. I work hard to make sure these kids don’t ever have to go without and they have all the opportunities afforded to kids whose parents are a little older and wiser.
So for a random stranger to come and question my decisions, to basically imply that motherhood is only for the old and seasoned (apologies to any old and seasoned moms reading this), it hurts. I know it shouldn’t, because really, who is she? But this isn’t the first time someone has cornered me to talk about my young mother status and it won’t be the last. Damn.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Sly comments about how old you are and/or how old your kids are? Let me know in the comments!
…wow. Just wow. That’s so out of line!
I have instances like this on a regular, so by now, I’m no longer affected by it. Mainly because it was a conscious decision for me to not only have my children young (I was..22 when I had my 1st),but also to have them close in age. I believe in putting in work while you’re young and relaxing more as you age.
When people are not contributing to your household in any way, form or fashion, I don’t know what makes them think they can be all up in people’s business. People always look at me crazy when I say I’m married w/ three kids, even crazier when I tell their ages. Of course it’s always followed by the “how old are you?” lol Usually when I say I’m 26…they relax a little, but some don’t. At the end of the day, I know I’m handling mines, so I couldn’t care less what others may think…
I’m sorry you had to go through this. The next time something like this happens, the first question that sounds ofensive you need bto respond with, “Why?”, i.e. “How Old Are Your Kids?” (after saying your age); your response is “why?” you can say it sweetly and it disarms them because now they are no longer in the role of interrogator, you are.
Ignorance is bliss. Don’t give her comments a second thought. Many of us wish we could do things differently in life but when you look at your darling angels, I’m sure you wouldn’t change a thing! Keep pushing and being the best mom you can be!
This sounds like a metaphor for modern motherhood – damned if you do, damned if you don’t. no matter what decisions mothers make, someone will always think it is the wrong choice, and that they have the right to correct you.
I know women who opted to have children later in life, and they get plenty of grief from strangers, as well. In your conversation, replace “23” with “43” and “young” with “old,” and that’s the type of feedback they have received from perfect strangers.
And that’s the catch-22 of motherhood. It’s not fair; all of us mothers, young and old, should make a conscious effort not to pass judgment on other mothers. Maybe the rest of society would follow suit!
Wow, I’ve had some occasional comments but never, ever to that extend. How rude!
You shouldn’t have to excuse yourself to say “piss”. You should be saying a lot more than that! LOL!
What a rotten woman. I’m sure I’ll get my own version of this when I get pregnant for the first time by like age 36, or even later if it takes us a while.
“You’re how old?! And you’re just starting now?!”
Just wait.
I probably would’ve told that person to mind their business? I am not sure why strangers think they have a say in anyones life! You are a nicer person than me…The nerve of people!
ew! DOUBLE EWWW!!! that was beyond rude…but i love to hear instances like this when class is exuded in spite of the ignorance. good job youngmommy 😉
Dang… she should be ashamed of herself but I’m sure she’s not!
I get the other question… I had my first when I was 30 and my husband and I were married for 8 years. Everyone wanted to know why we waited so long. I just always said… because we wanted to. I too am a nice person and didn’t want to say “mind your freakin’ business” PEOPLE! UGH
I’m surprised u didn’t slap the earlobes off that woman. What right does she have to judge you and your decisions?? I had my baby @ 20 as well and people will give me sideways looks here and there but never anything that ridiculous! Wow! I’m mad right along with you and this didn’t even happen to me….wow….the nerve of that woman….
well said. i am a 25 year old college student and, when i have no one to watch my four month old, he joins me in class (my professors are fabulous) and, when i walk through the halls, i feel like a walking add for birth control.
and, while tom and i have discussed it, we are not married yet and, in public, it seems the older crowd looks down on people like that.
if anything, young mums are more fun… what 40 year old can keep up with an infant better than a 20something?
@nicole – Yes, I remember those days of bringing the kid to class! What used to bug me is when my classmates wanted to hold her like she was a doll or something. I’m like, “If you really want to hold her, you can come to my apartment after class and hold her while I type this paper!” LOL. I got your e-mail about being featured – sure! You sound like you have a great story….
Ugh, how rude of her! People like that make me think they are bitter about something. Why was she all up in your business, anyway? Nobody asked her. Maybe she has a daughter that had a baby as a teen, or maybe she could never have kids, or maybe she’s just nosey. Regardless of her reason for being so rude, it was not her place to comment.
I think as young mothers, we all go through this. You get it even more if you look young in the face. I wanted to talk to a doctor about and IUD, but couldn’t get my regular doc that day. So the new doctor I spoke to basically told me I needed to stop having sex or use a condom because I could also get an STD. I was so mad, and angrily flashed the fourth finger, left hand at her, and she apologized. And then, to add insult to injury, one of the nurses told me an IUD is great because it’s reversable, and if I ever got a new “Babydaddy” (yes, she did) we could have more if we’d like. I walked out of that office so fast. I was steaming mad.
@Cee Cee – Girl, what? Did they really say “Baby daddy”? Ooooh, that would have burned me up!
And as far as the lady goes, I do remember overhearing prior to our conversation that she didn’t have any kids. Don’t know if she was bitter about that or what, but really it’s not your place to comment on my life. Thanks.
And what is so surprising about having kids in your early twenties? She was talking like people didn’t become young parents in the 40’s and 50’s–wasn’t that kind of the norm back then?
I must say that when I had my daughter at 20 and was still working my BA degree I didn’t have a care in the world. I was broke yet happy but now that I have a career and 32 pregnant with #2 I’m afraid of everything from what the pregnancy with do to my career to the health of the baby. I think you’re 20s is the best time to have kids just because of the energy level. I have my daughter who is planning to treat the baby like a doll so she has signed on to play with the baby.
I think I was protected from nosy people asking me about my business because of my razor sharp tongue. All you have to do to get someone off your back when they are getting to nosy is ask them something personal. Lol
@Tyquanna – See, I’m wondering what’s wrong with me, because I am WIPED OUT at the end of the day and I’m 24! If I was 30 or 40 having a baby…oooh wee! That poor baby! Mommy would have to go to bed right when they do!
I guess it is the way of our world. People are just nosy and mean for no reason. No one ever has the right to question the next person’s decision. I especially dislike when people give or try to give advice when no one asked for it. When my husband and I were married at 21 and 20, the first thing my family said was wait to have kids. We gave birth to our first daughter at 22 and 23, and I would do it again. I was still in school and we had a very small income, but we were and are happy with our choice. We gave birth to our second daughter at 26 and 24. I graduated with from college with 2 children. As I said before, I would not change a thing. Sure things could have possibly been better if we would have waited, but then again we could have possibly ended up without any children. So people should just back off, and evidently you were suppose to have your children when you did or they probably would not be here.
@Latonya – I think as the years have gone by, I am more confident in my choice. Like you, we weren’t making much but you know what? We made it through. So why I had kids at the age that I did is really none of her business. You are right. People are nosy and mean for no reason.
Lol, ok, sounds like that lady has issue with motherhood in general. She founds like a chick who either had kids that she didn’t want OR wasn’t able to have any and is jealous of those who do. Either way, she was obviously an idiot and really not worth the time you gave her. Seriously. Don’t give people like that the satisfaction of getting you all worked up and/or hurting your feelings because, again, they’re idiots. You were at a conference so that should have been enough for her to see that you are obviously “old enough”. It really wasn’t any of her business about anything. Its not your job to have to be the token young mother who schools the fools about what it really means to be a young mother. Meaning, schooling folks should be a choice (like the creation of your blog) not a frickin’ requirement upon request.
See, now that heffa got me all worked up, lol.
I wish i could tell you that it gets better but it doesnt. I’m 33 and still get the odd looks and ill mannered comments (as a mother of a 12 yr old I gave birth at 20 also). The worst are parent teacher interviews, where school staff talk to you like you have the attention span of a three yr old. I guess they figure cause i look so young im also dumb too? it’s funny because they are now telling women to get pregnant sooner because infertility in your 30’s is becoming more prevalent.whenever someone gets judgemental or religious on my ass i tell them, “hey, the virgin mary was a teenaged unwed mother!”
@Erykah – I wasn’t even thinking about parent/teacher interviews…Not looking forward to that. But I always think being a young mother makes you smarter. You have to be, to keep up with everything in your day.
See, nuh unh! You are better than me because I would have had to go there with her! I bet she’s one of those who’s not married, wishes she was-with kids, and all she has is her career! How much you wanna bet?
Picture smoke blowing through my ears!
@Arlice – Yeah, I found out later she was childless because “I was too busy working” (her words). I don’t care if that’s your choice, I would NEVER get in someone’s face because they decided not to have kids (at whatever age) so why get in mine because I did? Makes no sense, girl!
Oh this brings back memories, I got “what are you like the nanny or something” a lot. Now, I am 37 and my boy is 19 and in college himself.
Now being a young mom is great!
Good work with the blog, stay strong, hold your head high, it pays off.
Excelente post, siempre trayendo buena info… Saludos desde Argentina
I’m sorry this happened to you. When she said “I don’ understand that” I wish you would have said “I don’t understand why you feel any of this is your business.”