This is actually one of my favorite posts on my favorite subjects – childless chicks. I don’t mean to use that term to be derogatory – it just is what it is.
Originally posted on January 8, 2009
Since I’m only 23, a good majority of my friends are CCs – childless chicks. Most of them are also single (by choice).
O
nce I had my daughter, I found myself in a new world. A world that didn’t include bar-hopping or staying out until 4 a.m. A world that now required weeks of planning just to go to the movies or out to dinner. A world I was afraid they wouldn’t understand.
A couple of my friends did seem to vanish once I had kids. Not anyone’s fault really, but I suspect they got tired of me always talking about the kid, never wanting to go out because of a lack of cash or a babysitter, etc.
So I tried to make new “mommy friends.” I attempted to find some moms, who were my age and “on my level” (meaning they took motherhood seriously and didn’t leave Junior at grandma’s house every day to go clubbing). I found a couple, more during my second pregnancy, but I still felt something was lacking. I missed some of my old friends. I missed the freedom to just hang out at a friend’s place, without having to rush home because my boobs were engorged.
I’m trying to find a balance, between the old me and the new me. The old me, who loved hanging out at comedy clubs, laughing until her stomach hurt, and the new me, who loves her children more than anything in the world.
How about you, readers? Did your relationships with your childless friends suffer once you became a mom?
Yes, and no. My best friend has two kids like myself. My otehr closest friend has no kids, but our friendship suprisingly hasn’t changed. She is very patient and we may not have kids in common, but we can still find enough things in common so that we still have a bond. The others have faded–some that I never expected to fade away, but it’s ok. I do feel lonely for more young mom-friends, but lately I’m finding it easier to be ok with the circle that I do have. But…I can’t lie and say that I don’t miss certain aspects of the childless life.
I know, I know…typos.
Definitely a change in relationships once my daughter came around. I asked a friend about this the other day and she said friends with kids are much more complex, thereby making it harder to plan time together. Case in point, it’s hard to just pick up and go to the movies, because you might have to find a babysitter and will need more notice. The lack of spontaneity tends to make it hard for “childless chics” to relate.
Well I had my only one at 19. I was very mature for my age and between planning my life and being care free i slipped up and got pregnant. I didn’t let my child stop me because of all the friends and family I had around me. My single and CC’s stated what kept us close was my baby was so cute, they liked kids, and what we did was always appropriate to take a kid around. Now that my daughter is in school and moved from my family and friends to keep me sane I treat myself out. My days off in the morning before school lets out I still go to the movies, eat out, stroll the mall, etc. And believe it or not I noticed some of my neighbors out do the same thing and made new friends so when we get together to kids do to.
Honestly…yes. Everything changed after my son was born. He was born just 3 months after I turned 18, only he was born 4 months premature. He was a micropreemie, a 24-weeker (I know I’ve told you about him before, so I won’t repeat myself here…don’t wanna bore you) so yes, everything changed. No one knew if he was going to live or not, and he was so sick…I quit my job and spent all of my time in the NICU. Only leaving when they kicked me out for shift change or to sleep. Sometimes I slept in their guest room, when he was really really sick (that room is reserved for the parents of the sickest baby on the unit…and believe me, thats a room you hope you never have to use. You don’t ever want the title of mom of the sickest baby, especially when the unit can hold 45 babies). So, only 2 of my friends remained close to me and would come sit with me in the NICU and stare at my tiny baby in his incubator…one of those friends already had a child, a little boy who was a year old at the time, and my other friend had been my best friend for about 5 years at that time. Other than that, everyone kind of faded away…I send messages to them occasionally on facebook or text messages, sometimes I get responses, sometimes not. They don’t say it, but I know they don’t like dealing with the chick with a kid, especially the chick with a special needs kid. See, I can’t just get any babysitter when I want to go out. I have to have someone who knows my son, whos comfortable with him, who knows how to deal with his special needs. I pretty much bring him everywhere…and childless people don’t understand, and aren’t too thrilled with it.
Sorry this got so long. To give you a short answer, yes, relationships definitely suffered. But I wouldn’t give my son up for anything. I’d rather be where I am today with him, than who I was before him.
Well I am a CC myself and I have a bit of a different perspective. I definetely agree that I’ve grown apart from some of my friends once they became mothers. Any time I’d call to see if they wanted to see a movie, go out for a drink or just hang out, their excuses always involved their kids. And I understand that. The problem for me now is that pretty much all of my friends are mothers. I am a newlywed, 27 years old and don’t plan on having kids for probably another two years. So now what I see happening is my friends with children take their kids to Chuck E. Cheese and to the park and they have birthday parties and “mocha mom” dates. Now I’m the odd one out. But maybe I’ll join the club in a couple years :o)
yes, yes…a million times YES! lol, but it is what it is. i understand both sides of the struggle, but it is life. to me, its no different than any other life choices that are made, like going to different colleges, or moving to a new city, or dating someone new who doesn’t mesh with your friends. for me, its as simple as “if i want to hang with you, nothing else matters.” that is not to say that i’d be disrespectful to someone’s situation. i just wouldn’t let it deter me. for others, its just…harder.
now, i have 3 kids and i don’t even speak to a family member because i’m no longer a member of the drunk-and-fabulous circle anymore. but in all honesty, if my disinterest in those things is what really separated us, then we were doomed anyway, because that stuff was getting old to me. i say all of that to say, if i have someone as my friend, i do not put unflexible expectations on them and i wish i had the same, because life is all about evolving-and real friends should be able to respect and understand each other’s evolution while upholding whatever made them friends to begin with. but alas, this is not the case for a lot of folks 😉
Without making this too long, my relationships have definitely changed since becoming a mother as well. One person in particular, we had been friends since the 8th grade. I just knew she was going to be there to hold my hand when my first baby was born, help me name him/her, be his/her god mother, etc. Well none of that happened! We fell out for some reason in the beginning of my pregnancy. She came back around sometime during my 2nd trimester. Of the 50 days I was in the hospital, she only came to visit me once. She wasn’t there when my son was born either, nor did she end up being his god mother.
Like you, and most people mentioned, a lot of it had to do with me not being able to go out and do things like we used to when she wanted (and really I didn’t want to being a new mom who had just been through so much). I think another big issue with her is that she was jealous or maybe even resentful. I know for the longest she had been trying to get pregnant so the fact that I actually had a successful pregnancy and was now a mother probably got to her, and the fact that I didn’t make her his god mother.
As with others, most of my friends were already mothers so they could kind of relate. Being a mother has brought me closer to some people I don’t know if I would be friends with if we didn’t have certain situations in common (single mom, deadbeat dads, etc.) But hey, you win some, you lose some.
I love the picture you showed with this post…sometimes when I feel like I am drifting from friends that are in a different spot in their lives then I am I say to myself…but the girls on sex and the city can make it work! I feel like although fake..they are prime examples that friends can be at different points in their lives and still be in eachothers lives..I guess its tough…but can’t it be done??
I agree with an earlier comment which suggested that your social circle may change with any major life choices (i.e. going away to college, getting married, having children, etc). I definitely experienced and ebb and flow in my close relationships after having my daughter at 23. But, you live and learn. I do gravitate towards building relationships with other moms.
I was not able to really see my friends (all of them childless!) or hang out as often as I would have liked when I had my daughter, but they are still my friends. It was particularly difficult because I am a single mom and money is tight, so even when I had the time I could not afford to go out. But now that my daughter is almost two and I have this mommy thing under control, I have been able to reconnect with my friends again and pick up where we left off. I used to worry that I am missing out on girl time, but really I am not missing much. That SATC lifestyle is not realistic there is more to life then just going out for drinks and chasing a man.