Since I’m only 23, a good majority of my friends are CCs – childless chicks. Most of them are also single (by choice).
O
nce I had my daughter, I found myself in a new world. A world that didn’t include bar-hopping or staying out until 4 a.m. A world that now required weeks of planning just to go to the movies or out to dinner. A world I was afraid they wouldn’t understand.
A couple of my friends did seem to vanish once I had kids. Not anyone’s fault really, but I suspect they got tired of me always talking about the kid, never wanting to go out because of a lack of cash or a babysitter, etc.
So I tried to make new “mommy friends.” I attempted to find some moms, who were my age and “on my level” (meaning they took motherhood seriously and didn’t leave Junior at grandma’s house every day to go clubbing). I found a couple, more during my second pregnancy, but I still felt something was lacking. I missed some of my old friends. I missed the freedom to just hang out at a friend’s place, without having to rush home because my boobs were engorged.
I’m trying to find a balance, between the old me and the new me. The old me, who loved hanging out at comedy clubs, laughing until her stomach hurt, and the new me, who loves her children more than anything in the world.
How about you, readers? Did your relationships with your childless friends suffer once you became a mom?
I hear ya. Well, you have an electronic “daddy” friend here lol. My son has always lived with his mom, but he is coming to live with me this summer (he is 10).
I am preparing myself for the same thing. But, part of it is a natural process of getting older. I’m 29 now, and my friends have diminished and have become contacts. You go out to certain functions less… and start to get into boring stuff.
But, you can have a good balance b/c you have a husband and supportive family. Many single black women with kids don’t have that luxury . . . so he can watch the kids sometimes
I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I wanna agree with Mr. Political Pete there. Is there a reason that hubby can’t stay with the kids so that you can get out of the house? At once or twice a month shouldn’t be a lot to ask.
Pete’s right, us single mom’s don’t have that luxury, especially if you don’t have any family in the area or heck, if you are like me and just don’t have family at all, lol. But I will also go as far to say that some married mom’s don’t have that kind of luxury either. Just because there is a hubby doesn’t mean that him being at home a lot is a part of the deal. But anyhoo…
Yep, guilty, my CC friends don’t mesh well with my lifestyle. Especially my bff which really really really bothers me. She has confessed to me that she just wants to hang out with me, like we use to. I then had to explain to her, like you would a child, that I am a “single mother” and I now come as part of a package. Bottom line, you either take me as I am or not at all. She’s still in my life, but I do find her withdrawing and doing certain things (like planning birthday dinners and telling her guests that they can not bring their children…WTF?). Somehow we are still bffs.
Friendships are definitely a lot easier with women who understand your lifestyle or at least CCs who don’t hate children.
First of all wonderful post. I always love reading your blog!!
It is very difficult to live your same lifestyle once you have kids for women and men. Obviously women bare most of this burden because there are so many single moms out there and I give them a ton of credit. I don’t think that I could ever be a single parent especially a mom after seeing all the stuff my siblings have gone through.
Often times what seems to never be mentioned are the REAL FATHERS that are there with their kids and how their life has changed. I’m not talking about a person that’s there one day and not the next. I’m talking about someone that is there 24/7, paying the bills, paying for daycare, and being a partner with his wife or in some cases the kids mother.
Mothers deserve a lot and in certain cases most of credit for being there day in and day out and making most of the sacrifices. I like to think that I am one of the REAL FATHERS out there and do a great job.
Although I do a great job, I still give my wife most of the credit for the success of our kids but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t sacrificed or changed my lifestyle. If you want to be REAL FATHER, then you have to change. The only thing that I ask is that REAL FATHERS be acknowledged from time to time. I know that this is a blog for young moms, and not for dads, but TheYoungMommy is a great writer so I hope that she is not upset!
“but I suspect they got tired of me always talking about the kid, never wanting to go out because of a lack of cash or a babysitter, etc.”
I think I’m your childless friend soul mate! If I lived near you and we hung out, I’d always be ASKING about your kids. And I never want to go out because of lack of cash too!
And while this is nowhere near the same, I can kind of relate to your situation. Being under 25 and married in NYC is like having five heads. NO ONE here gets married until they’re like 40 (at least that’s what it feels like sometimes). I’m really past the clubbing/dishing about boys/sharing dating horror stories stage, so it’s sometimes difficult to try making new friends with other young 20somethings.
@ Political Pete and Ms. Bar B – It’s not that my hubby won’t watch the kids for me, but it’s that I’m having a hard time finding people who I’d like to kick it with when I have that opportunity. Most people I know fall into two categories:
a) they have kids but are not parents. Meaning, they still act like they’re single and childless and they don’t care how their actions affect their kids. Case in point, bringing them to a function and then still drinking enough that you’ve got a buzz. How is that even CLOSE to being responsible?
b)they don’t have kids, don’t wanna have kids, probably won’t ever have kids and hate hearing about yours.
I need to find some people like c) who may or may not have kids, but are willing to work with me in order to maintain the friendship.
@The Truth – Thanks for bring up a valid point. I don’t talk about the dads on here too much because I figure most of my readers are young moms (usually single, which means they may have some baggage about the opposite sex). But there are a lot of strong fathers out there, who give their all every single day for their kids. Their story isn’t told as much, and that’s a shame.
I don’t have a lot of friends. Never have. I used to be very bashful, now I’m the type that if I find out we have something in common, I will mow you down for your friendship. LOL. Some of my friends with kids moved far away or led a lifestyle I could not 100% relate too, so I sort of faded away. It was just too gangsta for me! I’m her friend from afar (horrible, I know, but I want to make sure my kids are safe and me too so their not left orphans like I was)
Mostly, if there’s no family business to attend to, my husband doesn’t mind holding down the fort so I can get out for some purposeful as well as ole fashioned girltime. Or other times I go to a bookstore cafe and chill out. I’ve got some fabulous new friends though with the same interests as me, some with kids, some without. They’re cool, smart, talented chics and I think we all mesh well 😉
Ok, got it. Can definitely relate to (a) and (b).
I don’t know if you are planning to send your children to preschool when they reach that age, but that may present a good opportunity to make new friends, who you would know love their children as much as you love yours. Building relationships with the parents at school opens the doors for playdates for the kids and mommy dates for you =)
Hey Tara,
I can really relate. Even though I am a 40-something mom, I have a ton of friends my age who aren’t married and don’t have kids. I love talking about my kids so much I’m sure I must get on their nerves sometimes. But I also think that they actually enjoy hearing about the kids sometimes because I’m sharing the highs and lows with them so that they will know what to expect when they DO have kids, even if it means they are going to have to adopt due to their age.
I like having friends on both ends of the spectrum–I commiserate with my mommy friends, and I get to hear about the single life from my unmarried friends. It’s a nice balance.
I love your blog, by the way, and thanks for checking out mine too!
Vanessa
I had my first son at the age of 28 and had similar issues. Most of my college friends are just now (in their early/mid 30s) starting families so now we have a ton more in common than previously. My two best assets for meeting more friends like me were getting involved in children’s programs at the library and mochamoms (you’d be surprised at how many mochas are full time working moms that join to have an outlet for support).
My first few years as a mother my primary support was really my online friends, which doesn’t help because you can’t necessarily get out and hang together. At my times of really feeling like I was on a deserted island I focused on learning about and developing hobbies to enjoy by myself. Ultimately my initial years have really given me insight and appreciation for the true friends in my life now. Its not about quantity but quality and sometimes it can take awhile for the true gems to become apparent.
ahhh, this is a sore spot for me….because i really cherished my friends and a few of them dropped off of the face of the earth after i had my daughter. and they came from both categories-childless and with kids. the childless ones and i just don’t seem to have a connection anymore because i am no longer interested in clubbing, drinking and all that. (honestly, i dont think i would be even if i didn’t have a child…getting too old for it). and they have no interest in the settled life of a married woman with a kid. then i had a friend with a child the same age as mine. i thought we would be tight for years to come…but she was not the same “type” of mommy…and it caused friction. she’d set up playdates and always cancel, was never dependable, never reached out to me-yet i always called her or tried to include her in things and it just became really unbalanced really quickly.
so, at this point, it is what it is. sometimes i wish i had more of a circle to choose from, but as i get older, i realize that if people don’t see the same in me that i try to see in them by nurturing and cultivating the friendship, its their loss….