One thing I love about my daughter’s school is that each year the teachers come by for home visits before the start of the school year. That means that students get to know teachers in a relaxed environment (their house) and the teachers get to know the family before the craziness of the school year starts. In theory, it should be a win-win.
Not so much with my daughter.
She ‘s an extremely shy child. Particularly when meeting someone new. An introvert, just like me, she prefers the company of folks she’s already met. Plus, she’s five.
So when this stranger comes into her house and tries to talk to her my daughter clams up faster than you can say “How are you doing?”
Her teacher came over and sat down on the couch and my daughter just…would not talk. At all. Looked like she was on the verge of tears. Of course, the same thing happened last year when she had a home visit with her kindergarten teacher. By week three of school, she was fine and playing like the other kids, but there is a real hump to get over as my daughter takes her sweet time getting comfortable.
After her teacher left, I laid down on the bed with my daughter.
“Why wouldn’t you talk to your teacher?” I asked her.
“Because I was scared,” she said. “I get scared when I meet new people.”
I took a deep breath. “I get scared when I meet new people, too.”
Her eyes got big. “You do?”
“Yes, all the time. But you know what I do?”
She sat up a bit. “What?”
“I remind myself that I am a good person and I deserve for people to get to know me. I’m smart and funny and kind and that’s why I have to talk to people to get them to know who I am.”
She looked like she got what I was trying to say, so I kept talking. “And you are smart and funny and kind and the world would be a different place if you weren’t in it. It’s okay to be scared or nervous but let people see how wonderful you are, okay?”
She nodded. I kissed her on the forehead and hoped what I said made sense to her. I hope she knows how much I love her and I just want the best for her.
This whole situation might not even be a big deal in the long run. Lots of kids are shy or have a hard time warming up in unfamiliar situations. I’m on edge with this because my whole life I’ve struggled with being known as “the quiet one”—at school, at work, in my family. When you’re branded as the “quiet” or “shy” one, you tend to fly under the radar. Teachers like you because you’re so dependable, but you tend to get lost in the fray. Overlooked for special assignments or rewards. When you’re “the quiet one” at work, your bosses might not realize how much work you really do and you might not be the one they look to keep when there are layoffs near.
Plus, my daughter is the only black kid in her class. That might not mean anything to you, but I don’t want her to be treated differently than anyone else and being the “quiet kid” might not get her as much attention than I think she could use.
*sigh* Motherhood continues to challenge me. To this day, I struggle as an introvert, and I want my daughter to do better. To be better than I am. So I might push her, but I have to also remember to let her be her own person and develop the personality she was meant to have. This is tough.
Do you have any advice for me? Does anyone else have an extremely shy child?
My daughter isn’t as old as yours, but I would say that you’re doing just fine in the way you’re handling it. I’m sure it was a light bulb moment for her to know that her mommy is just like she is, when it comes to being shy. That kind of identification with someone she looks up to…especially YOU, her mom, is priceless for her development. Her eyes perking up is evidence of that! So remember not to push too hard now, because you’ll be there to guide her through all of the circumstances you mentioned (work, school, etc) as she grows up!
I can understand your concerns Tara and by you taking the time to sit down and chat with her made a major difference. By her knowing you are also scared to talk to people, she feels that she is not alone because Mommy is the same way. My 4 year old is a bit nervous when he meets people at first and I am very concerned as he will be starting Pre-K. My 1 year old starts her new daycare soon and I am on edge. I know that once they are comfortable, they will warm up and be themselves. And there is no specific time frame for that (although I sometimes wish there was). Keep up the great work!!!
I can completely relate. I am much more at ease around familiar folk too.
I think you’re off to a great start. What a great school to implement home visits. Sweet!
My two daughters were also shy/reluctant at the beginning of the school year. As the school year progressed I checked in with the teacher and did random drop ins to make sure that their reluctance did not cause them to be ignored but rather the teacher made more of an effort to build a relationship. Fortunately I was lucky and it worked out both times!
Rule #3 of my Unwritten Rules of School may also be helpful… http://www.parentingthroughschoolyears.com/?page_id=424
Good luck and I am sure she will have a wonderful school year!