My husband and I have been struggling to get our sex life back on track after baby. Since the “baby” in question is quickly approaching six years old, you’d think we would have figured this out by now.
We do great for a while and then it trickles off somewhere in the midst of finals and his hectic summer schedule and the inevitable cold I get out of the blue every twelve weeks. And then we do great for a while and then again it falls and dips in the abyss.
I’ve noticed that when our sex life is purring, our house is cleaner. We divide much more of the housework evenly. My husband kicks me out of the house so I can have “me time.” I’m less frustrated and stressed. In short, when our bedroom activities are on point, so is our marriage.
But see, it’s a Catch-22. Because in order for me to really feel like my sexual self, I need to feel good about our marriage and my husband’s appreciation of my role in it. I need to see him loading the dishwasher or asking me if I need anything before he heads to the store. I need him to give me a back massage just ’cause, not with the intention of getting me in the mood.
So I ask – what comes first: regular sex or a husband who is tuned into my needs? Is he tuned into my needs because HIS needs are getting met? Even though I don’t think physical touch is one of my main love languages…maybe it really is?
As I approach five years in this marriage (really, that’s it?), I’m amazed by all the lessons I’m learning about how to keep our twosome tight. And by far, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that if we’re cranky and pissy with each other, it’s probably because we haven’t been having enough sex. There’s something about physical connectedness that gives our relationship a boost. If we’ve gone a week without cuddling in bed, without holding hands as we drive somewhere, without giving each other a hug after work, then it shows in how we treat each other.
Let me know, mamas. Do you feel like you can be sexy if your partner isn’t tuned into your needs? Do you need to feel appreciated before you can get intimate?
((sigh)) If my husband is not doing his share around the house I am more likely to politely decline sex… ((doublesigh))
I find that when things are falling off the cliff in the bedroom department, I have to be tuned into me first. I can’t have sex with him unless I’m feeling good about me first. When I attend to my needs, then my husband picks up on it, and wants to continue the good vibes, then the lovin’ is good.
For others though, its really hard to tell what would work. But I can tell you that most of the time I don’t feel like a purring kitten all the time, and when I’m ready to go, my husband is sometimes exhausted. So, I think these things happen.
@KalleyC – Yes, I feel that I need to have time to breathe for a minute before I can even think about feeling sexy. Like when we put the kids to bed and as soon as I hit the light switch in the kids room my husband is all over me. Dude, I need a minute to wash off the kids’ mess and transform into a woman again, you know? So I definitely need a little space and a lot of cooperation to keep our love life humming along.
Sigh.I agree about needing to breathe. It’s hard to automatically switch channels from childcare to sexy hot thang.
But the child is two and I’m trying to get my sexy back. She’s hiding….
I’m trying to figure out how to find my sexy, but between working nights, taking care of the boy, cooking, cleaning…when am I supposed to find energy for sex???????? Yes Houston, we have a problem…
@Rose’s Daughter – And I applaud you for recognizing that. I hesitated to even bring the subject up with my husband but really, it was a convo we needed to have. I wasn’t happy with the plummet we had taken in the bedroom (and it was a steep, steep drop-off) and I knew, even if he didn’t say anything, that he wasn’t either. But we had to talk about why I’m never in the mood, or why on some days, sex doesn’t even pop in my mind because I’m so tired. I’m making changes, trying to wear heels when we go out (even if it’s just to Home Depot), and putting on earrings every day, buying new nail polish, etc. But you are right – it’s hard to find the space to reclaim your sexy!
I’m not a mom so maybe it’s different for me, but I definitely understand and feel you. When the house is a mess, I don’t really wanna get it on. When it’s clean (mainly my doing) then I’m more open to some sexy time.
I think these two go hand-in-hand in marriage, for they are needs that keeps the marriage going. I can’t imagine having a husband who acts right but is not good when it comes to sex or vice versa. All these things must just be done right.
I ma just lucky enough I am not encountering this kind of situation even if I am already almost 10 years with my husband.. But someday I am sure every couple can experience this..
This post made me feel both connected and isolated! I also find it difficult to get my groove back and, more importantly, ON. And the worst part is my husband is friggin Superman…. he cooks, cleans, takes care of the toddler. He loves me and is loyal, and I love him more than anything. I just don’t feel sexy at all since our child was born! Today, he thought I looked nice and wondered why I got “dressed up”… Ladies, I was wearing camoflauge shorts, a short sleeved black shirt, and mascara. I even joked and said he was probably just surprised I wasn’t wearing yoga pants!
But, alas, within ten minutes I had cream cheese spread all over me from snacktime and those little white dandruffy things you get from peeling potatoes. THIS is why I don’t feel sexy, because I don’t put any effort forth because when I do I’m the same ol’ hot mess within ten minutes. Then I’m amnoyed I wasted time “getting ready” instead of cleaning or laundry. Wtf?!?!