My daughter has been in kindergarten for a month now and I’m beginning to feel like we’re moving into a rhythm.
School officially lets out at 3:15 and we’re usually pretty early. We stand in the gym with the other parents and wait for the students to come downstairs for dismissal.
Those ten minutes or so are the most stressful part of my day as I’m forced to make small talk with the other mothers.
This is problematic for a couple reasons.
Before my daughter started school this year (she’s four), I’ve never had to interact with other mothers. Like, ever. At the daycare/preschool, everyone was in such a mad dash to pick their kids up and get home and start dinner, that the most I’d have to do is a head nod to the one or two moms who was there at the same time I was. At the playground, the other moms arrive together and leave together, and I’m off to the side, watching my two and keeping myself occupied by making sure they don’t crack their heads. As a result, I don’t really have experience chatting it up with other women and I feel so awkward. Like, what am I supposed to talk about? The weather? Boring. The kids? Eh, what about them?
A couple weeks ago, I decided to force myself to interact with another mother. She was standing off to the side, bouncing a baby on her hip pretty confidently. “Aww, what an adorable baby,” I said, cooing at her daughter (son?).
“Oh, this little one isn’t mine,” she said, smiling.
“Oh,” I replied. Well, damn. And now what am I supposed to say? “Um…well, she’s still cute.” Then I made a beeline for the door. Sigh. Why is this so difficult?
The only mommy friends I have are either ones I’ve met online (all of you count!) and the ones I knew before they had kids. But even then, I find myself wishing I could call up one of my many mom friends and say, “Hey, let’s take our kids to the park/the movies/the library.” As of right now, I have one mom friend I can do that with. ONE.
My childless friends are awesome, but they are off doing their thing. Like, kicking it in NYC, or getting yet another graduate degree because, well, they can. It’s hard when they call (which is rare) and I have screaming kids in the background. “Um…is everything okay?” they ask. A mom would just know that either they are a) just wound up before dinner b) escalating in volume because hello, Mom is on the phone or c) they’re in the midst of killing each other.
I want to be more social and friendly with the other mothers. But I feel so…out of place. Never mind that I created this awesome community here. In real life, I’m as awkward as awkward gets.
So how do I fix this? Any suggestions? Am I the only one who feels like this?
Most of the mommy friends I have meet are through church or a mom’s group I joined. The majority of my friends are single with no kids, so I understand. It is nice to have a mom to call up to say hey let’s meet at storytime or the park. Although our conversations get cut off because we are chasing after the little ones (my son is 20 months), it is still nice to have a break from the house and someone to talk to .
I feel the same way with the mom’s on my son’s football team. I just don’t seem to have much in common with them yet I feel like I should at least try. They are nice, but I’m just not sure if I want to be a part of their click.
As far as any other situation, strike up small talk. I’m good for that in the grocery line. Once a topic gets started it’s pretty easy. I am forcing myself out of that place you are talking about. Once you start talking to strangers it gets a little easier. If they seem non interested…keep it moving!
I am the only one of my immediate group of friends who has kids. I’m the first to have a baby. The rest aren’t even close to thinking about it. I have been lucky enough to meet a few people in the hospital NICU where my son is (due to prematurity – about 2 to 3 weeks before coming home!). I don’t, however, think that we will keep in contact once all their babies are discharged and they go home and get on with their life.
The only other moms that I’ve met are also online. I’m lucky enough to have a cousin who’s daughter is around the same age as my son. It would be nice to have someone other then family, though. It would give me something new to talk about, if nothing else. I need to get involved with some groups, or committees, but how can I ever find the time?!
I have no mom friends that live close. Both of my kids are in pre-k which means there is a lot of potential moms I can befriend. I do not know if it is just me, but they look at me weird…it’s like I’m the babysitter or something. I feel out of place because all or most of the other moms are older, 35+. I always make myself seem busy to avoid interacting. I promised myself that this year I would find one mom I could connect with in each of their classes.
“I do not know if it is just me, but they look at me weird…it’s like I’m the babysitter or something. I feel out of place because all or most of the other moms are older, 35+. I always make myself seem busy to avoid interacting. I promised myself that this year I would find one mom I could connect with in each of their classes.” <—Yup, that's me! We will make some new friends if it kills us!
Sigh I think about this all the time…even at school it’s like I’m so distant from the dynamic of everything…smh…its depressing
@Danielle – I’m in it with you! Hang in there!
You are not alone. My wife and I haven’t been able to make any parent friends and we’ve been trying the entire 19 months my daughter has been alive. None of our friends have kids AND live near by. Our close friends are childless and our parent friends live in another state. It is hard. We don’t know what to do. Plus, I’m awkward myself, so I don’t make friends easy. I’ve had one new friend in the past ten years.
@Bryan – Alright, where do you live? I’m awkward, you’re awkward, you and your wife haven’t made any friends and neither have I. Let’s do this! LOL
If only we were close by. I keep moving around North Texas.
As others have mentioned, we may try but feel out of place or …it’s just awkward! I went to a few activities for my 7-year old and it never failed, the other moms would be in their phone avoiding eye contact or they’d have their arms crossed in a defensive stance of ‘off limits for conversation’. Then I look very young so maybe I get placed in a ‘teen mom’ category (technically I had him at 18 but still…) So unless I have my other kids with me (2 yr old and 3 month old) no one has anything to say-the smallest kids bring about conversation of the usual cuteness and sharing of stories. I can admit to not really trying but yes, I do yearn for adult conversations outside of diapers and wipes!
See, I thought this was just me. Either the other moms are on their phone, or looking like they don’t want to talk, OR they come together so they already have their “friends” and I feel like an outsider. But I’m going to make some friends, dang it!
Don’t give up Tara. Not only do I identify with your struggles but I face them every single time my husband gets a new assignment. I was initially like that but I decided that the only way to learn how to do small talk is to put myself in situations where I had to. I joined a local bible study and started chatting with the ladies at the bus stop with my daughter. Now, I can say that I have more friends with kids than friends with no kids.
It was hard and a little awkward but it gets easier. While you are at school, walk up to someone and say hi and get their name, compliment her on her kids. I know it sounds scary but it’s a start. The next day, call her by her name and say hi. You will probably engage in more small talk about your kids but it’s inevitable because it’s the thing you initially have in common. The more you get to know that person, the less you’ll talk about your kids.
You can do it Tara. You are such an interesting and cool person to get to know :0)
@Cymonne – Okay, so you’re saying I have to push through the awkwardness? Alright. I will try to arrive a little early to pickup, when there are fewer moms present and maybe I can strike up some conversations. Thanks!
I still feel it to this day and it will probably never go away. But I go in with a smile, count to three (lol) and walk to someone. I usually say something like, “Hi, my name is Cymonne and I think your son/daughter’s (hair, shoes, outfit, etc.) is adorable”. Or I go in with the truth, “Hi my name is Cymonne. Everyday I come here and I feel like I’m being rude for not saying hi.” Or if that is too much, just start off saying, “Hi my name is Tara. How are you doing today?” Just make sure you get her name so that you can actually say hello to her the following day.
I’m having the same problem, but finding married friends! So whenever you find a solution, let me know lol
@Briana – Oh, I don’t have a lot of married friends, either. Geez! What’s wrong with me? lol
You are so not alone. I relate to 99.9% of this!
I have been in your shoes and it took a few months when my oldest started kindergarten. From there it got to a point that I had an overabundance of mom friends! Funny thing is now that my girls are both in high school, I am friendless again. Then again, I think it is just me. I am a bit on the anti-social side. I guess I will have to find my way all over again once William goes to school.
Yes yes and yes I relate to it all. Maybe I still have time, I have a 2yo and one on the way, but man I have one mommy friends who happens to be a really amazing friend of mine, but the buck stops there. All of my friends are single, childless and having fun! And usually the mommies that i DO meet are super older than me, which is fine, but it just aint the same. What I would do to have several folks to call on, lets go to the park, lets go to the museum this weekend, type of thing. Its quite possible that I am not keeping my eyes peeled enough, but MAN what I would do for some local mommy friends that were a dime a dozen!
I’m awkward too and introverted. This year I was able to step outside of my comfort zone by having parties, joining meet up groups, and meeting up with some of my twitter friends. I’m glad I did. I’ve met some good people. I find that I’m less akward doing things that interest me, for instance, I went to a craft party by myself. I had the opportunity to immerse myself in a project but i could also talk about crafting with other people if I felt comfortable.
I hear you completely! I just started sending my son to school, and I had to be snobby and send him to a Montessori school that I totally can’t afford. However, in my area I thought it was the best education opportunity, so I’m sending him anyway (I’ll just have to stop drinking Diet Coke).
Anyway, not only am I a young momma (22 with a 5 year old) but I’m also not a rich, stay-at-home, organic-cooking, bento-box-making, hybrid-driving momma. I feel completely out of my element!
So far I have just smiled a lot and focused on the kids. I’m hoping that if other kids love my kid, then eventually they’ll ask for a playdate and I will force one of the granola mommas to speak to me!
I aspire to be an organic-cooking, bento-box-making, hybrid-driving momma
OMG same same same! I have quite a few friends who are mothers, but I don’t live in the area I grew up in anymore, so I have a distance issue.
The other parents at my 8 y.o sons school are friendly, with a smile, hello, and a coo over my 9 m.o, but it doesn’t go beyond that. It’s a little hard to go from ‘Gosh, he is getting big!’ to ‘You wanna grab a coffee?’ Maybe because they are all a bit older. And they all seem to know each other already, so they have their little groups already sorted!
I have been living in this town for 2 years now, and have not made a single new friend. Sniff. I guess I feel awkward, too.
@Momo – You got it! If I really, really push myself, I can make small talk, but moving that to “Hey, let’s hang out later” is very tricky. Like you, I’ve been in this area for two years and I need to do a better job.
I agree that it is VERY difficult to break the ice & make new mommy-friends.
Most of my friends are single and child-free. My friends who are mothers are also wives, so that gets complex (to maintain a friendship). Still there are other moms in my life who have adult children.
What has worked for me is that I am part of a church choir with LOTS of mommies! (Men are on there too, but many of the women are mothers.) I’ve had a chance to interact with many of them. I am in the process of arranging a “playdate” for my son with one of the choir members’ 2 sons. They all get along fabulously. I am not close friends with their mom, but I think if she’s open to it, we can become close. The main issue is the distance (we live 1 hour apart) and we both have very busy lives. We are also single moms, so that makes it even more complicated.
Building these relationships take time. My sisters are also moms, but one is off doing her own thing (her daughter is now a freshman in college) and my youngest sister is about to have her 2nd child. But we live too far from each other to get our children together often.
I know what you mean and I think that age has a bit to do with it. I often feel like a kid collecting my little girl, as a lot of the other mums at day care are 30+…. and have been since she was 8 months and I was 23! : / I realised that I needed like-minded people to hang with and joined a couple of networking groups. Mumsnet and Netmums are forums where mums can basically say ‘I want someone to just go to the park with etc etc coffee…whatever’ and then you just get hooked up. Its a little like online dating…for mums… : )
Do you have anything like that in the US?
I’ve just moved to a new area where I don’t know a soul and within 3 weeks, I have made 2 ‘friends’. I met both in the park and we just got chatting… along the lines of –
– are there other parks in the area – I’m new – you’re new too – when did you move, why etc – what does your hubby do etc – where are you living etc – have you been to this play centre…
I have to admit that both of the mums asked for my number before I could get a chance to ask them… I just felt a little awkward I suppose.
In fact, I think another mum tried to befriend me the other day in the supermarket by saying ‘oh look your daughter has a new boyfriend!’, as my little one was cooing over her toddler boy. I really wanted to stay and chat with her as she looked like my kind of person (!) but she was behind me at the till and it would have been weird to just hang there… so I let it go… Hopefully, I will see her again another time and she’ll forgive me for rushing off like that all flustered! lol