Imagine, if you will, being nine months pregnant.
You begin to get uncomfortable and before you know it, you’re in labor. You grunt and groan through the contractions, breathing and visualizing your way through the pain. A few minutes or hours of pushing later, and you finally get to meet your bundle of joy.
Now imagine you’re greeted by a caseworker who now says that your baby is to be placed with the state, and will be given to foster parents.
Unfortunately, this is the case for many young mothers in foster care all over the country.
I learned about this issue of custody last week during a meeting of the National Crittenton Foundation. I was invited as a guest of the foundation to learn more about the issue of young mothers in foster care. I was honored to be there because I want to be more aware of the issues facing all young mothers – including those who truly are invisible when they need the support the most.
Not much is known about young mothers in foster care. There is no hard and fast data that tells how many mothers are in how many communities in how many states. It’s like they don’t exist. Because there is no real data-collection process in place, their issues get swept under the rug.
I won’t pretend like my two days in D.C. for this event made me an expert on becoming a mother while in foster care, but what I learned was startling.
Because that state has custody (meaning they make the decisions about the young mother’s life while in foster care) of the young mother, many argue that since she “can’t take care of herself,” how on earth will she take care of a baby as well? So they are separated from their children, for days, months, sometimes years. The law states that this should not be the case and they should be treated as any other mother, retaining custody until it is proven that it would not be in the best interest of the child.
As I told you before when I accompanied the foundation in April, these young women have already been through enough: sexual and physical abuse, homelessness, etc, through no fault of their own. Then they lose custody of their child? Something’s not right here and it’s smells like an all-too-familiar case of too little, too late.
The purpose of the meeting was to get influential people in the room (Congressional representatives, other advocates for young women and girls) and bring light to this important issue.
At the beginning of the meeting, Jeanette, the executive director, made it a huge point to tell the girls they were the VIPs in the room. “We don’t think it’s right to have a bunch of professionals talking about your lives,” she said. “We want you to feel like you are the most important people in the room.”
Because, in fact, they were the most important people in the room and I’m so glad they knew that.
They again told their stories. Selene, who came to the U.S. as a young child and couldn’t speak English well enough to tell anyone about the abuse at home. Mikka, who broke the cycle of addiction in her family and is now on the path to becoming a nurse. Shemia, who was placed in 20+ foster homes. Charese, who shows that a loving foster home can provide a spark of inspiration when times get rough.
I now realize that using your voice is the most important thing anyone can do. I do it every single week here on this blog, and in my current relationship with my husband. But, as I always feel when I come back from one of these events, I need to do more. WE need to do more.
Read more of their stories. Get to know them. Familiarize yourself with the patterns of abuse that appear in their stories.
Then think of how you can get involved. Can you donate $5, $10? Can you share some of these stories on Facebook? Heck, leave a comment on this post to let others know that you hear what’s going on and you’re concerned. You’re ready to move.
The work of these fantastic organizations is reaching a critical point and I’m so glad to be on board.
This is amazing. People are doing things to make life different for the next young mommy! As you would say, “the movement” is happening and in FULL-FORCE!
Tara, I’m so glad you were at that meeting and are able to report back to us. Thank you for getting the message out there.
I have a very good friend of mine whose little sister was in that situation. His mother had 7 kids and the youngest 2 girls caught hell. Both were placed in foster care but the eldest had already had a baby and was pregnant going into the system. She was able to keep one child but when the other baby was born, the baby was put up for adoption. I was soooo sad. I told my friend that he should’ve gotten custody of the baby but that’s not what happened.
Here in Orlando, we have the Beta House which is the only residential program in Central Florida(I think)that allows teen mothers in foster to live there and keep their children. Beta also has a school on campus for both mom and child. Wish there were more Beta Houses.
Thank you for writing this, Tara. I think one of the main takeaway points here is that people just don’t know what it’s like to grow up in foster care. I was in foster care with a lady who actually knew my biological mother and was a family friend for quite some time, yet it was still HELL ON EARTH living in her household and being treated like, well, dirt. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if I was in 20 different foster homes with total and complete strangers. You are so right… the best thing we can do is use our voice to help others, to teach others. In my short adult life, I’ve learned that people just don’t know, but they need to. And I can help, you can help, WE ALL can help.
@Alicia – You’re right. People don’t know. I know I certainly did not. It is hard for me to imagine being cruel to a child – I don’t understand people who act that way. But meeting these women (and knowing you) has made it all too clear that all young moms are not created equal. Some, like the women I met, have significant trauma and that can not only impact how successful they are as moms, but it also has ramifications for how successful they are at LIFE. I hope that people understand that they have no right to judge until they walk MORE than a mile in their shoes.
I read the post. If I read it correctly, teens who give birth and who are in the custody of the state do not get a chance to celebrate the birth of the babies. Instead their babies are placed in foster homes. I think this is wrong. There should be more resources available to help these mothers. Once they have their babies if they chose to keep their babies, they should be placed in housing and be given whatever they need to help them to bond with their babies. The system is dysfunctional. The children of these moms are placed in the same situation that their mothers came from. If more attention and resources were given to these young parents there is a chance that the cycle can be broken. I think they are worth the investment.