It’s a couple weeks before Valentine’s Day so you’d think I’d be talking about love and tenderness and romance and all that jazz. I will soon (last minute gift guide, anyone?) but let’s be honest – love is complicated.
I’m a classic Type A personality – ambitious, irritated easily, always in a rush, always looking for something to do, never really take time to relax. And my husband? Let’s just say opposites attract. If this dude had his way, he’d stay horizontal for the rest of his life and could someone pass the popcorn?
We bring those same personalities to the table when an argument arises.
I gotta be right. I gotta prove my point. I gotta tell him, in no uncertain terms, what I feel is unacceptable behavior. He withdraws, tries to get back to his “relaxation mode” as quickly as possible and I get frustrated because he isn’t listening or seeing things from my point of view.
Got all that?
So I became a student of our relationship. I noticed:
- When arguments usually happened. At night, after the kids go to bed, is prime argument time because we haven’t seen each other all day.
- Who “started” the argument. Usually me. No, scratch that. It’s ALWAYS me. He’s way too laid-back to be starting arguments.
- Why they usually came up. We’ll be talking about a problem but he is too tired or unwilling to go toe-to-toe like I am, so I get upset and question his commitment to solving the problem.
- How long they lasted. Depends, sometimes they’re quick, sometimes longer.
So what we have here is the classic case of “Y’all need to fix this!” But where to start? Here’s three things I’ve done to try to make sure arguments (large or small) enhance our relationship, not tear it apart:
First – I looked inward. This is probably the hardest step to take because when you sense there’s a problem in your relationship you tend to look outward first. But alas, if both people tried to bring their best selves to the table, I guarantee you 80% of arguments would never happen. That’s a fact. (‘Cause I made it up.) I realize that yes, I pick the WORST time to talk to my husband about issues (11 p.m., but that’s when I get my second wind!). If I could work on my timing, then maybe that will alleviate some of the problems.
Second – I tried to separate my husband’s actions from my perceptions. Just for a silly example, if he yawned during an argument – is he being rude or is he just tired? This involved giving my husband the benefit of the doubt when I really didn’t want to.
Third – I had to learn to listen all over again. I am the QUEEN of interrupting and not listening to what my husband is saying because I am too busy formulating my response in my head. “He’s soooo wrong! Why doesn’t he get it?” I used to think to myself when we’d argue. Now I have to take a deep breath (believe me, it works) and repeat back what he says: “So, you’re saying that you want us to go to your parents house on Thursday instead of Friday, even though I have to go to work that day. You don’t feel like we see them enough, so you’re asking me to make this sacrifice.”
You’ll notice that I don’t mention anything where I try to change him or try to make my arguments stronger so he has no choice but to agree with me. I can’t MAKE anyone change and I can’t MAKE anyone agree with me. I can only control what I do and how I respond to a situation. Expending energy to change someone is pointless. Focus on you and things will only get better from there.
How often do you argue in your relationship? What other pointers do you have to help couples fight fair?
First off – your blog is having an off day. Either that, or I’m seeing double.
Onto the topic…
My boyfriend and I haven’t even had an argument yet. We’ve had discussions where we don’t agree, but its never become an argument. We are really good at communicating with each other, listening to each other, and allowing each other to have our own opinions about a matter without making it a big deal. Sure, we each have our own “deal breaker” issues, (like for instance, I would never tolerate him being mean and abusive toward my son or myself, I won’t tolerate cheating or drugs…etc) but neither of us have the desire to do any of those things. So we are pretty happy together.
Hey Katie!
I am so glad you and your boyfriend don’t fight. My husband and I don’t “fight” but rather we have “passionate disagreements” aka arguments. LOL. As we’ve matured and grown together, arguments happen less frequently, and are shorter in duration. Because, honey? I could hold a grudge like nobody’s business! Now that I’ve conquered that flaw, we’re good to go!
Lol, I’m SO with you on holding grudges! I’m terrible about that. I’m a little better now, but that is definitely a huge flaw of mine. Like I tell people, I’ll be your best friend, your biggest source of support, your most loyal fan, until you screw me over. When you screw me over, be prepared because I’ll be your worst enemy, and I’ll never forgive you. So yeah, I understand where you’re coming from on that. Because I’ll be completely honest – that is one of my biggest problems.
@Katie – See, you get where I’m coming from! My husband asked me to work on my “ability to let things go.” LOL! I used to catalog every disagreement, every argument!
my boyfriend and I don’t really fight either.. and when we do, normally alcohol is involved. (and not with me either
) I try and talk to him about things that bother me and whatnot… sometimes it works other times i feel like i am talking to a brick wall.. i try and think about all my past relationship and the fights ive had in them… and do better in this one 
You sound like me, hahahhaa. My husband and I love each other, but sometime I question if he really cares about if we are living in a studio or a house…truth is, he is happy, just living and having us in his life. Myself on the other hand, care about decor, house, good food, etc….definitely a conflict. But now, he is trying to come on board. I am praying for him…LOL.