We put a lot of things on hold for our children.
Some of these things are big. Others are not so significant.
Some of us put off going back to school, or we put off going back to work. Sometimes, if we’re a single mom, we put off dating. We put off moving. We put off putting ourselves first. We put off traveling. We put off staying up late.
I know everyone says that the reward – raising beautiful, strong, healthy and happy children – is greater than anything we pressed “pause” on. And that’s true. I will gladly pay out the nose every month for daycare if it means that I see their smiling faces everyday, excited about what they learned while I was at work.
But what am I missing? What is that nagging feeling that I SHOULD be doing those things that I am sacrificing, if only to make myself a happier woman and therefore a happier mom?
Right now, my life revolves around my kids. Got two little bundles of joy and they are the reason my heart beats. I throw myself in my role as their Mommy with as much energy as I can muster every single day so I know that I’ve done all I can do to make them happy.
At the same time, I feel like I don’t give myself enough attention. I’ve only had 23 years with myself and at times I feel like I’m a stranger in my own body. Who am I? What do I like to do with my free time? Wha’t’s my favorite hobby?
I kind of understand why people tell you to wait to have kids, why people look at me puzzled when they do the math on how old I am and how old my daughter is. It’s because you need time to figure out who YOU are.
So I’m trying to simultaneously discover myself and raise kids. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile in life ever is.
Do you feel like you are still discovering who you are, even as you have little ones to take care of? Please let me know in the comments how you’re doing.
First, let me say that I believe we are all constantly discovering who we are, because we are always evolving and maturing.
But as far as knowing discovering myself as a 25-year-old woman, I feel like I have reached a point of knowing myself as I will be (until I reach the next stage in my life that brings about a signifigant change in who I am). When I first got married, I was confused, overwhelmed, and frustrated that I was taking care of another life when I hadn’t even completely figured out my own; and I still felt like a baby. I even cried all the time, lol. I was pushing 22 when we married in early 2006, and if anyone asked me who I was, I became a little sad because I couldn’t give a good answer. I hadn’t et found my place as a wife and new mommy. Now I know who I am, and it feels good. I feel defined, lol.
I still don’t have time to do everything I’d like or spend alot of time alone, but that’s ok, because when I’m 41 and still somewhat young-ish, my kids will be out of the house, I’ll have my independence back, and I’ll be re-discovering myself as more mature woman while all my friends will still be raising 11-year-olds and looking for babysitters, lol.
@Mrs. CJ – That last paragraph in your comment is the big bright side to being a young mom. I may feel awkward and out of place now, but in 16 years my babies will be out of the house and I’ll be rolling my eyes at all my friends who just got pregnant. LOL.
I am so feeling you on this post at this exact moment in my life. I feel like I knew for a minute who I was, then I learned so many more things about myself after I had my daughter. I became a new person with some remnants of the old me. I beat myself up because I don’t dedicate enough time to nurturing, well, myself, lol, but I’ll get that chance when I get it I guess.
I am discovering more every moment and I hope that that never changes. I don’t know if I’ll ever know all there is to know about me completely because I am always learning and changing and growing. One of my favorite quotes is “Life is a journey and not a destination.” I can’t wait to see what’s around the next corner
I completely understand how you feel. I was 22 and had just graduated from college two months before when I found out I was pregnant.
One thing that I recently did that really helped me get to know myself better was to make a list of the things that make me happy. When I did, I realized that I definitely needed to make time to do at least one of the things on the list everyday, especially since they are so simple (playing with my son, listening to music as I cook/do chores/etc. and watching a movie with my sweetie by the fire on a rainy/cold/snowy evening are some of the things on the list).
The list that I’m working on now consists of things that I want to accomplish in my life and how to make them happen (for ex. learning to play guitar is on the list so I’m planning on signing up for lessons).
Now that I’ve been incorporating my “what makes me happy” things into my days, it’s really helping me to discover who I am, what I like and is ultimately making me happier.
I am almost 40 and have a 4 month old and have been married 11 years.Honestly I don’t think that it gets easier as you get older, I still struggle myself with the questions that you are asking. The going to work and leaving them behind is the part that really sucks. I enjoy waking up alot more every day, seeing his smiling face makes it worthwhile.
I think you have to do what’s best for you and your family…I am a true believer that being a mom is the best job in the world (ok i’m not a mom yet but I am hoping it is) I know that I am not ambitious in the work force, and for a while now I have just wanted to have children (we are trying). But you have to ask yourself…will you look back and regret not doing something? Will your children notice if they have a sad mom? Are you able to give your children all you want to, if you are secretly wishing you are doing something else?
I’m loving this topic right now. I’m a 25 yr old mom of two, and I know exactly how everyone here feels. I definetly lose myself sometimes in the world of being a mom, but every now and then I try to do a little something for me. I come from an old family and constantly hear comments when I do decide to take time for myself. ” You’re a mom now, you cant go out like you use to” etc. At times I feel lost and I dont even know who I am yet. I think I’m just starting to discover that with my boys. It might be a hectic journey at times, but well worth it. And like Mrs CJ said, when im 41, ill have a 16 and 18 yr old and everyone else will have toddlers lol.
@Steph – I’m glad to hear you can relate! I think it’s harder on us now, but in time, we’ll see that we actually come out ahead!
Thanks for stopping by….
No, it doesn’t get any easier. I do not like living in Atlanta and want to move so bad to another state, but my children are doing so well in school here, so here I will stay just for them. It’s not easy though.
I am almost thirty with an eight year old and a three year old. I had my first child rather young but that is all water under the bridge now. I’m over it. However, I do believe I am just now figuring out what puts a fire under me. My tastes have changed but I hardly remember what they were in the first place. Maybe that is because I am evolving into who I am suppose to become, not really sure. Only time will tell. I like this quote from Ashley (above):
I became a new person with some remnants of the old me.
I haven’t been by in while. Glad to know you are still going strong. I am still reading your articles on Black and Married with Kids. Keep up the good work!