I’m going through one of those periods where I’m starting to resent my husband.
I’ve been down this road before – for most of 2007, and part of 2008.
We were working as a team, it seemed. Few arguments, healthy sex life, date nights at least once a month where we actually had grown-up conversation and not kid talk.
But inevitably, summer hits – the busy season for both our jobs. We both drag ourselves in the door, grumpy and irritable from a long day solving problems and sidestepping crises.
Right now, I feel like it’s 70-30. That’s a dangerous zone, because once you look up and realize you’re doing 70 percent of the work, it’s very easy to discount that other person’s 30.
I’ve been feeling more and more like a single mom, even when my husband’s at home. He has the privilege of what I like to call, “sit-down parenting,” where he can basically interact with the kids from his seat on the couch, and I’m running around like a madwoman changing diapers, filling sippy cups, making dinner, picking up toys.
The kids automatically come to me with their requests, and when I peek over their heads and see the man absolutely relaxed on the couch while my ears are ringing from a chorus of, “Brother’s touching me!” I want to snap.
Last week, I did snap and it wasn’t pretty. Imagine me standing there screaming about dirty dishes. Ugh.
It felt so good to get that off my chest that I totally forgot what the point of this post was supposed to be. Hmmm…
Oh, I know! (Bare with me, people.) It probably won’t ever be 50-50. Never. So stop expecting it to be. Deal with those days when it’s 70-30 or heck, even 80-20 and bask in the days when it’s 20-80, your side.
How about you? Do you feel your relationship is closer to 50-50 or is it way out of whack right now? Spill it in the comments!
Yikes. I feel funny approaching this one since I don’t have a husband, and then on the other hand I feel like I should approach it because you have one, lol. I’m always amazed at home the whole double-shift thing always seems to fall in the wife’s lap, and not so much the hubby’s, and then I get mad and say, “well, why doesn’t she just stop then?” I realize that its not that easy to just go in the room and close the doors once hubby gets home, but hey, one day, if there isn’t any strong communication between you and him about this, that might just have to happen… where you come home and be with the children and do your thing and then when he comes in and gets comfy you retreat and leave him to pick up the peaces so that he can begin to appreciate the work that YOU do for your family. OR, on a more rational level, you two can have a serious talk about exactly what its gonna take to keep you sane and the family happy. To me, it would seem like, if both parents were working, and equally as tired at the end of the work day, then they should be supporting each other once they are home with the kids. Its totally NOT fair that you should have to do the bulk of the care work for EVERYONE in the house when your exhaustion is so visible.
Good luck to you girl. I know that you and hubs will pull through the difficult times, and that is going to start to happen when you stand up for yourself, meaning, you deserve to reap the benefits of being in a marriage, you feel what I’m saying??
@Ms. Bar B – Yes, I’m exhausted most of the time. Yes, I even have the longer commute home from work. But to be fair, my husband does most of the work in the morning, getting the kids up, dressed, fed, in the car, off to daycare, etc. This is why I tend to do more work in the evenings. But on weekends? It’s all me, all the time. Honestly, we are getting better after that last blow-up with the dishes. I tend to take control of everything and just do it myself, because sometimes it’s easier than having to write out instructions or trust him to do it his way, which isn’t the way I needed it done at all. It’s a lot. But communication, as you said, is the key. Men, unfortunately, don’t pick up on signals or hints very well. You have to be straightforward or don’t bother. Like I said, I tend to be controlling so it’s an issue we have to deal with. But trust, like i said at the bottom, it’s not always 70-30. Most of the time it’s 60-40, which still isn’t even, but I actually prefer it that way. LOL.
I think I read this at the right time. This is how I have been feeling from the birth of my 1st child 9 yrs ago and my husband is still clueless. I am a stay at home mom so naturally some things are my responsibility but then my husband has the NERVES to tell me the kids need more “order” in their morning school routine or “I” need to teach my kids how to wash or wipe properly. When did they become just “My” kids. I do all the work raising the kids then he gets the praise because they are well mannered or got straight A’s when he was watching from the sidelines. Sorry for ranting but this post spoke to me.I think things for me will never be 50/50 because this man waits on me to do everything.
@April – Yup, I hear the resentment dripping off the screen. I’m not a stay-at-home mom but I’ve heard a lot of moms have the same complaint as you, so maybe it’s not just your husband. (Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.) Have you ever had a serious talk about this? And maybe it’s not a one-time thing. Maybe you have to make it an ongoing conversation. When he makes comments like, “The kids need more order in their morning routine,” flip it back at him. “Well, what do you suggest WE do to make it more orderly?” Always come back with a “WE” to counter any ideas of single responsibility. Unfortunately, that is the best advice I have. LOL.
oh my!
soooooo, you know i stay at home. and like april, i do a whole heap more because i’m home…BUT, once he’s home and on weekends, we’ve visited resentment-land quite often. we moved 2 weeks ago and i had to sit him down and have a loooooooooong talk with him. mainly because we were moving and we would have no friends or family around to help and because of the build-up i was experiencing. i will admit that some things, i just don’t want him to do because he will never do it like me…but there is a laundry list of things he could do WITHOUT being asked that would make me a better person with a much better attitude.
since we’ve been in our new state, he’s done better…but its only been 2 weeks. it used to annoy me that not only did i do more, but that he thought his job was simply to come in and be the “fun one.” i discipline, teach, clean, whatev…and he’d be sprawled out in the floor doing whatever my oldest told him to, with me having to step over both of them. like i said, i let him know that was ending and he needed to get on the same playing field with me. he says he understands…but we’ll see how long it lasts….
@Mrs. W – I don’t think men realize how much we appreciate active effort on their part. It’s one thing if I ask my husband to wash the dishes and he does, but it’s quite another if I come home from work and the dishes are clean without me having to ask. Ooooh weee! Sometimes when asking husbands for help, it makes you feel like you have one extra kid. It’s very clear to us what needs to be done – hello, the toys are everywhere, dirty clothes are piling up, and someone needs to make the plates for dinner. But to have to take that additional step and actually delgate tasks doesn’t quite feel like teamwork, does it?
I am very proud of you for sitting him down and letting him know how you feel. I need to get better at that.
Amen and Amen to all that commented on this particular thing. I have a blended family. I could be crazy, but I know I’m not when the I see extra effort come out when “our” other children are present. I’m not sure if that is a guilt thing(on his part) or if I should be down right pissed off. Often, times like you. I just do it because I know it will get done the way I like. I am learning to let go a little, and delegate, but it is hard at times. Ladies, sometimes it just sucks to be us! LOL
With my relationship, I feel like its more 60/40. There are some nights when the baby is screaming and he will take care of her by himself and let me sleep which I really really appreciate. Then there are days when all he has done is sit in front of the tv while I change diapers, cook, clean, and make sure he’s taken care of. Those are the days when I feel like I have two kids to raise and the resentment starts to kick in. But then it occurs to me: I don’t ask him to help me out; I just expect him to know when I need it. And when I do ask him, he almost always gets his butt from in front of that tv. But then it occurs to me again: he hears the baby crying, sees the dirty dishes, smells the trash and laundry and is aware of his own hunger. So why should I have to ask?? Is it really that big of a deal to turn off the video game and do something productive??
@T – T, T, T…you do not have to even speak these words. I already know, girl! You just kind of look at them like, “Are you blind? Is your vision okay, baby? Do we need to take you for a vision exam ’cause I KNOW you see these dirty dishes and the trash piling up!” LOL. And I do admit that when I ask him to do something, he does it, no complaints. But it does make you resentful for even having to ask. Aren’t we both adults? Don’t adults do what needs to be done? It’s a battle, but hang in there!!
WOW YoungMommy….you must be a fly on the wall at my house. I am so done with my husband at times. He comes home and gets to go on and on about his job while I listen and roll my eyes behind him…lol. Then he plays with our 2 girls (4 and 1 (tomorrow)) while I gather up enough strength to gather their dishes from the dinner I cooked that was from the groceries I went out and shopped for with both the girls and brought in the house…because he probably stopped at a friend or cousins house before coming home from work because! Woo…I feel better just typing all that. I don’t understand how men do it…and its not just us young mommies experiencing this…its a whole movement of wives and mothers who are out done. Geez…I am at that breaking point and its gonna be ugly. For the sake of my girls and their love for their daddy I would never break and really go off in front of them, but by the time I put them to bed and get ready myself I’m to tired to even tell him off! LOL
Don’t get me wrong my husband has the capability of being great..otherwise we would’ve never wed but I think I’m just in a funk myself and with it being about 20/80 right now I’m not feeling the love.
@SWB – I feel you. 100 percent. I think you’re right that it’s not just a young mommy thing. It’s universal. I think women (moms) just want the men to be more helpful. Am I right? And we see being helpful as doing things that need to be done without needing to be told to do them. Am I right? I swear, most relationships and marriages would be a heck of a lot better if men and women could come to an agreement on that…
Yeah, I totally feel you on the sit-down parenting thing. I sometimes just look at DH in amazement….. like, are you serious?
Prime example: On the weekends, I’m the one up with DS at 6 am (because his little body is on the same weekday schedule) and then when DH finallllyyy finishes luxuriating in the bed and decides to roll into the living room at 11 am/noon or whatever….. he has the audacity to want breakfast. And while i dont have a problem with cooking it, dude, i need you to entertain the baby for at LEAST the period while im cooking. Seriously. It’s quite annoying and i often feel frustrated too. I feel like im by myself taking care of the baby on the weekends, even though we’re both at home.
Did the baby’s laundry a few weeks back… and it’s still sitting, unfolded, in the bag in the living room, cuz i’ve been meaning to get to it and just havent had a chance. BUT why is it that, if i dont do something (related to the baby or overall household) it just doesnt get done at all? I mean, if I “ask” for his help he usually complies. But its a shame that i have to ask at all. Men just dont take the initiative. Not my DH anyway.
@Yakini – Initiative! That’s the word I’ve been looking for!!! Men lack initiative! Yes! My breakthrough moment of the day!
You.do.not.have.to.tell.me. The bed in our guest bedroom has become another “dresser” or closet because that’s where I put all the clean clothes to be folded. So why are we going in there every day to get clean clothes? Because I haven’t gotten around to it. And if I don’t, he doesn’t take the initiative to do it. I will give him credit though – when I least expect it, he will wash all the clothes in the house and fold them. He will clean the kitchen til it sparkles. But those moments are probably about twice a year and I feel like I need daily (hell, I’ll settle for WEEKLY) support from him.
Whenever I feel resentful toward my husband I wonder, “Is there something I’m doing that is making the situation worse?” With this issue, I feel it’s being so stubborn that I don’t ask for help. I have to stop being so stubborn or being resentful that I have to ask. I think part of the problem is that I see my workload as being bigger than he sees it. So I start running my to-do list down in front of him. “The laundry needs to be folded and put away, the kitchen floor needs to be mopped, I have two articles to write before Thursday, we need more diapers…” etc. Then I wait for him to pick one of my items to do. If he doesn’t, I continue. “Hey, do you think you can mop the floor while I wash the dishes?” That is the ONLY way it works for us. Hope this is somewhat helpful.
Hi, Tara. I love your site and have been following it since early July when my wife and I found out that we are expecting our first child (due in February). I’d like to offer a defense of my male brethren, but I honestly can’t. There is simply no excuse for an uninvolved father. Men need to understand that when they come home from that paying job, they don’t automatically get to relax. Coming home means it is time to do the more important, but unpaid job, of parenting.
My wife and I have had several conversations about how we are going to structure our time so that we are both fully involved with raising our children. We’re both full time graduate students with flexible schedules and I just can’t imagine not being involved with EVERY aspect of raising our baby, especially the down and dirty parts of it.
To all the mommy bloggers who are unhappy with the amount of effort that their partners put in to parenting, you need to do a role reversal for at least 48 hours where your man does everything that you do as far as taking care of the kids and the house. A man will never truly understand all that needs to be done if you are just asking him to get involved with one or two chores. He needs to experience everything that is involved with caring for a little one and a household all day and without a break. If he doesn’t have a new found appreciation for all that you do, and if he doesn’t change his behavior I don’t know what will.
@BTC – Wow, a male reader. Didn’t think I had too many of those!
You seem like a really great husband and I’m sure that will translate into being a great dad
If I can, let me give you some pointers. One, you said, “I just can’t imagine not being involved with EVERY aspect of raising our baby, especially the down and dirty parts of it.” Let me tell you, my husband was so attentive during my pregnancy and at the hospital. But when we got home? And I was breastfeeding? That’s when dude went AWOL. lol. Figured he couldn’t feed the baby, so why not get a good night of sleep so he can be well rested for work in the morning?
If your wife chooses to breastfeed, please take it upon yourself to do SOMETHING to help. Go get the baby, burp the baby, change the baby’s diaper if need be – anything!
From my perspective, there is nothing worse than having a baby that doesn’t sleep through the night and then looking at a husband who is well rested. So even if you are well rested, you better be yawning and rubbing your eyes! LOL.
Seriously, though – congrats!