My husband would kill me if he read this. Oh well.
After a long day at work and a horrendous commute, the last thing I want to do is clean up the house. Wouldn’t it be nice, I think to myself, if, since my husband and I both work, that we divide the household chores more evenly?
But that’s all I do. I just think it.
So day in and day out, I do everything. Cooking dinner, washing, sorting, folding clothes, sweeping and mopping, loading the dishwasher, bathing the kids, grocery shopping, packing lunches, vacuuming, you name it.
I tell myself that it’s okay, because my husband has been working 12-hr days lately and he usually just struggles to keep his eyes open once he gets home at 10, 11 p.m. He needs his rest, not a nagging wife who’s demanding that he mop the floor at 12:30 a.m.
But then I realize that it was always been like this, even before his current job. My husband has always been content to just let me do everything. Why? Because I never let him know that it was too much for me.
From his perspective, I AM superwoman. I take care of it all at work and home. From his view, everything looks fine. From my view, I’m just wondering why he can’t see that this cape weighs a ton and it’s hurting my back.
I don’t know why I expected him to see me struggling to hold everything together and to offer a “Hey, baby, let me get that for you.”
Or was I right? Should he have noticed that, “Hey, my wife has been doing a lot on her own lately…let me help her out.” Does marriage work like that?
Ladies, do you feel you should have to ask for what you need, or should your partner be tuned in to your needs?
originally posted 7/20/09 at BMWK.com
It took me five years to feel comfortable asking my husband to do things when I needed help. Not that he was slacking – he’s always worked so hard for us. I finally realized after long conversations on this topic that he sees me being so organized and time-managed that he doesn’t want to mess it up so he doesn’t butt in. However, if I ask him to do something, he’s right on it.
So I think sometimes men just don’t know what they are supposed to do and wait for women to ask them. Then they help.
This is my story, everyone is different though.
@Gabrielle – No, I agree with you. I think we need to understand that men and women are totally different and our response to household things couldn’t be further apart. Now, some women are blessed with men who help out without being asked, but I know I have to ask my hubby if I need something done. He does it and does it well, but I sometimes feel stressed b/c I have to ask for help. That’s not one of my strengths. I prefer to do things myself, that way I can have control over everything. LOL. But I promise you I’m a work in progres…
touchy issue, depends on the guy. some men dont mind helping out and others think it’s the womans job because they work so hard. i would approach it very gently, acknowledging how hard he is working.Use a lot of “I” statements and own your feelings.It could be as simple as a creating a better schedule and/or learning to let certain chores wait.If you dont start putting yourself first, you’re gonna get alot more bitchy and frustrated. there is a balance in there somewhere, it’s having the patience to work it out and learning to change certain expectations. easier said than done!
I don’t think you should have to ask. One of my biggest pet peeves with anyone is to see that something needs to be done, yet you walk by it and wait for someone else to do it. For example, my aunt would bring my dad home from dialysis. Now I’ve already cleaned the house, had dinner ready, etc. There is a bag of garbage sitting right by the door. When she left out do you think she bothered to take it out?! It’s already bagged up, right by the door and she had to pass the garbage can before she got to her car!!! Things like that drive me crazy.
In your case, I think you’ve let him get too spoiled twin, seriously. I don’t like to overstep any boundaries even though we are close and tell one another so much but it honestly bothers me and it frustrates me more when I’m there to witness it. Sometimes I just wanna yell “will you get your @ss up and help her or grab a kid off of her please?!”
Yes he works hard but last time I checked, don’t you bust your butt at work and on top of that have a stupid long commute home?!?! That’s enough to start turning the hair gray right there. Then not only do you come home to TWO kids, but you do everything! You’re always cooking these fancy meals, talking about how much laundry YOU have to do and how the house is a mess and YOU need to clean it up, no. That’s not how it works yo. You work just as hard as he does outside of the house. He wants to live in that great clean/presentable house, have a nice meal to eat everyday and clean draws to wear then he needs to act accordingly and do his part to ensure those things continue to happen. But like I said you have him spoiled so since you’ve always been doing those things, he is going to keep expecting you to do them and not see it as a problem, especially if u haven’t portrayed enough that it is one.
I definitely say you two should sit down and talk about it. As your partner he is supposed to be your equal and he should be putting in 50% of the work. Maybe make a list of who will do what on what days? Didn’t you once mention a chore list to me or something like that? Express to him that you’re not bringing this up just to have one more thing to nag about, but because you are human and one can only do/take so much before they seriously crack under pressure and lose it. You can’t do it alone and quite frankly you shouldn’t have to! Sorry if I came so direct and maybe harsh sounding but seriously, you have way too many responisbilities that you handle on your own.
You know I’m a neat freak, so besides working that high tech washer/dryer of yours lol, I have no problem coming over one day a week when Jaedyn is gone to clean. I guess it’s my way of exercising, it relieves my stress lol. Xoxo
@ Courtney – Damn, girl, tell ’em how you really feel! LOL. I love your long comments.
And yup, you’re right he is spoiled. I do feel like every day I come home and he is kid #3. He doesn’t help as much as I would like. But we’re working on it. Part of my problem is that, like you, I don’t feel like I should have to ask. He sees the kitchen is a mess – why don’t you load the dishwasher?
When I was younger, whenever one of my parents was carrying the heavier load, they would declare a strike. One day out of the blue, my mom/dad would throw their hands up and say, “That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m not washing any more dishes or any more clothes!” Then we realized, man, they do a lot of work around here. LOL.
I have to get better at asking for help. He’s just not the kind of guy to jump up and help, especially since it “looks” like I have everything under control. So I have to let him know, daily if need be, that hey, I could use your help with this or I can use your help with that. I’m willing to be flexible and I realize after all he’s used to me doing, it’s going to take a while for things to change. I’m okay with that.
ooooooooooh, u have the best topics. my answer is simple…we shouldn’t HAVE to ask, but more times than not, we will probably NEED to in order to get the results we desire.
i suffered from the same issues mainly because my hubby just doesn’t care. he never was taught how to clean or the comforts of living amongst cleanliness. so he could live in complete filth and be fine about it. so while i’m breaking my back to restore the environment to my standards, he doesn’t notice nor does it matter. but i had to sit him down and actually point out all that i do because he just wasn’t getting it on his own. even his mother doesn’t keep a clean house, so me washing walls and wiping the blinds, and cleaning the floor on my hands and knees instead of with a mop was nothing he was used to or thought twice about.
but oh thank the heavens…i had to be on bedrest for both of my pregnancies which MADE him step it up. and even now that i’ve had the twins, he still does the grocery shopping, some cooking, laundry and pretty much any errand-running i need. but i still had to guide him along to make he did/does these things properly. i actually had to stand over him and instruct him on how to clean a bathroom (the way i like). after having the twins, he actually sees now that even tho he gets home round midnight…most nights, i’m STILL up-washing & sterilizing bottles, cleaning up toys, separating clothes or if i don’t pass out, taking a few quiet moments to myself.
i think its the nature of a man…unless his mother taught him otherwise. and you best believe i will teach my son to be an observant & thoughtful doer! cuz while a lot of women are born with super-human strength and endurance, sometimes our powers need to be lightened or recharged too
Gosh, I didn’t realize how long it was since I typed it on my SK. Sorry, you know how long winded and detailed I can be at times, LOL. I know for me personally it kind of has to do with pride. Since I have this “superwoman/independent/I can do it all on my own” attitude, that when I do actually need help, I don’t like to ask for it because it may take away from that…if that makes sense?! So I’m definitely working on first accepting help when it’s offered, then actually having to do the asking! It will work out in time though, you already made a big step this week 😉
Feel better twin
While I don’t have kids, I can certainly understand this topic. Part of my problem, is if I ask my husband to do certain things while I’m out running errands, I’ll come back to see that yes he did them, but they were not done to my standards. I know he waited too long to hang clothes from the dryer and now they’re wrinkled. Or he may have emptied and loaded the dishwasher, but didn’t take the time to wash the few items that require hand washing. Or things are left on the counter because he claims he doesn’t know where they belong. Or he made the bed but the pillows are a wreck. I don’t think he does all this on purpose, but when I nag, I think he realizes I just do everything better. We still have to work on this because when kids come along, look out! He’s gotta help and I gotta let him.
@Debbie – I know it’s hard at any stage of a relationship. I think that will be one benefit you and your hubby will have once you two have kids. You will have been together and married longer and had a little more time to work out the kinks. I, on the other hand, am a newbie when it comes to my hubby. When I think about it, we’ve only been together for 5 years, married for 2. So we’re still learning how to ask and how to give and take. It’s a balancing act, for sure.
It would definitely be ideal if we didn’t have to ask…. but in my household that just isnt realistic. If I don’t ask for the help, I won’t get it. Simple as that. And…. DH isnt even being malicious/ill-intentioned. I dont think he even realizes how much i’d appreciate the extra helping hand. It just doesnt occur to him to ask what he could do to help me out one evening…make my life a little simpler.
And you are right, girl, that superwoman cape surely does get heavy! *smh* I guess the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? Although in an ideal world our hubbies could just be more sensitive/attuned to our needs in the moment.
Great topic!
@Yakini – I think you make a great point – what is realistic for our lives and our marriages and relationships? That’s what we should be focusing on, not what we THINK should be happening. Yes, that cape is heavy, but maybe they don’t realize because they never put it on….? Wow, I’m amazing myself with all this deep thinking so I need to just take my butt to bed. LOL.
Usually in the middle of cleaning I think, “Why doesn’t my husband help me every once in a while?” But the truth is, even when he tries to “help” (which is when everything is in complete disarray) I get annoyed because between school and work we don’t have a whole lot of time to spend together and I would much rather use the time that we have together to watch a movie/tv or go out. Which then leaves me with cleaning everything when I’m home by myself.
@Natalia – Thanks for commenting. Yes, I hate that it’s so much work and that if we both tackle it together, that takes away from any time we could spend together later on. It kind of makes me wonder how other people do it, without the use of housekeepers. I also hope that it will get easier once the kids get a little older and are able to help more!
I just came across this blog and I have to say I am going through this exact same thing! My problem is that when I do ask for help, he takes so long to get around to it and then if I have to *gasp* ask again, I’m nagging!
@Leigh Anne – I think that’s part of my problem – patience. I’m a jump-up-and-get-to-it-kind-of-girl. When my hubby isn’t, it makes me crazy!
I used to have this problem the first few years we were married (we’ve been married going on 11 years now). And I would get so *angry* because he wasn’t helping and I thought he should be. Well, the man couldn’t very well read my mind, could he? So, I started to tell him, and he started to do more. He has things he’s better at than I am around the house, so I let him handle them, giving gentle reminders if I need to. But ever since he put my silk shirt in the washer and dryer (twice!), he’s banned from doing laundry. 😉