I’m the midst of a breakdown.
I know it’s a breakdown because I’ve been here before. About a month ago.
See, I start getting headaches at work. My patience with my kids goes to an all-time low. My hubby’s nightly moves to get me in the mood fall way, way short. I want to eat more than I usually do, craving chocolate and high, high fat cakes with thick frosting.
Yesterday, I cried because my hubby left his shirt on the floor. I wasn’t particularly pissed about the shirt, just the fact that I always pick up his shirts. It was the equivalent on placing just one more item on the garbage pile and it all falls over.
When it gets like this, I like to let it ride itself out. Let the sadness come in, look around and then it can show itself to the door.
I do my best to keep it together until the kids go to bed at 8 p.m. But being stretched so thin isn’t cutting it anymore. I can’t possibly wake up at the crack of dawn, work all day, come home, be the Mommy, then be the Wife, and then work some more.
I need a vacation. A good one. Where someone else does all the cooking, calories don’t count, and waking up before noon is highly discouraged. Where the view is goregous no matter the time of day. Where no one cares if my belly still has that post-baby pooch. Where there are no sippy cups to refill, no Cheerios to sweep up, no diapers to change, no clothes to wash.
Am I the only one who feels like this from time to time? It certainly seems like it. Every mom I know says how exhausted they are but how they “wouldn’t trade it for anything” or the classic “I don’t remember my life before kids.”
I love my kids. With all my might. But you don’t think this motherhood gig is straining and can cause a tear or two to spill onto your pillow at night, you’re crazy.
It is rough. It’s tiring. Sure, it’s very rewarding. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to say, “I’m exhausted.”
My question is – does it ever get easier?
I think at some point it does…I just don’t know when exactly because right now it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I guess because Jaedyn is at the stage where he is more active, getting into more, starting to test my limits and so on. I thought him getting older would make things easier and that’d I’d be used to/better able to handle certain things by now but that is so far from the case. It seems almost impossible to be able to do it all and still have some kind of sanity left.
I feel bad because everyday I wake up, I can’t wait until it’s night time again just so that I can get some time to myself. Time where I don’t have a kid up under me everwhere I move. Time where I don’t have to smell poop and get annoyed when it gets on me because the kid won’t keep still. Time when I don’t have to figure out just what to put in the sippy cup since he is becoming so picky now a days. Time when I can sort of do something that I WANT to do…even though I’m still confined to the house.
I know all about the tears, I have them quite often. Yes, I love my son with all of my heart and soul but it’s hard and tiring and I do wish the timing (and especially the situation) was different. I get tired of having to do so much all day long all by myself. I get sick of constantly being sore and drained, and never getting a chance to do anything for me. It brings of lots of tears and frustrations, but I’m the one who got myself in this situation so what is there to do but to keep rolling with the punches?
I would say once they get older/more independent it will get easier, but the older they get, the more issues you will have to face. I shouldn’t say more, just different ones. If u figure it out though, please let me know!
@Courtney – Yeah, I thought my daughter would be easier by now, but you know her – she is quite possibly the most needy person on the planet. I can’t help but think – did I make her that way or is that her personality? Is she so demanding because she knows Mommy jumps at whatever she asks, or she’s just a demanding child? I don’t know, but I find myself being cautious around my son because I couldn’t handle two kids like her! She’s one of a kind!
What every one tells me is.
yes.
Hang in there mama
@Samantha – And see, I don’t even know if I want it to get easier. That might not even be what I’m looking for. Maybe just not so frustrating, maybe? I can deal with things being hard – I’m not a wimp. But when exhaustion combines with frustration, ooh-wee, watch out! LOL.
You are not alone. I feel like this quite often. I was on an emotional roller coaster. I don’t think that my hormones will ever be the same again!! I finally talked to my doctor and she gave me something to help. You DID not want to be around me the week before my cycle and the week of. It was awful. I was crying all the time, my hubby and I were fighting constantly and I just felt like I was burning the candle at both ends. I was miserable. It is taking me a while but I am finally started to get everything back in its place. I still don’t feel great but I am doing better. Hang in there.
@Sonya – Oh, honey, we need to be BFFs! Every time you post something or I read your blog, I feel like you “get” me. Which is hard to find!
I wonder the same. Great post.
I can definitely relate to the exhaustion/frustration, esp. with (my) DH not doing as much as he probably could around the house.
@ Yakini – I really really really want to sit a group of dads down and have a real heart to heart. No pressure, no hostility, just straight answers – “Do you not notice messes or the amount of effort it takes to keep the house clean?” “When you see your wife struggling with the kids, what exactly is on your mind?” “When you come home from work, do you want to relax first?” I mean, really. Because I’m at my wits end trying to figure out why men just don’t care the same way we do.
awww youngmommy! i sooooooooo get you on this, and a previous poster abt looking forward to night sometimes as soon as i awake. seems thats the only time i get half of a slice of peace, but i’m usually so tired that i don’t fully enjoy it.
my issue is that, while i’m married, i’m basically a single parent because my hubby works 90+ hours a week. so i do EVERYTHING by myself. i’m an active person, but doing the simplest things like a run to target is exhaustive in itself! and lately, my 2 year old & at least one twin has been having attitude issues when we go out so instead of the twins being pushed in their double stroller, my big girl rides in one part of the stroller along with one twin while i have another twin strapped to me. people in the stores just look at me and extend their sympathies sometimes cuz i’m all over the place…just to pick up diapers and a diet pepsi! and even if my hubby were around more, he’s like the 4th kid to pick up after(lol) so……..
i say all of that to say, i have mini-breakdowns frequently and its ok. i believe it will improve, but not in the near future. so small breaks/personal moments are a must. learn how to fit them and enjoy them to the max cuz one person can only do so much before strippig naked and running down the street tearing their hair out! 😉
@Mrs W. – Yeah, my hubby is working 12-hr days right now, so it’s basically me all the time. I have to be “on” or things don’t get done. It’s rough but I’m trying to work through it.
I have two young children also an almost 2 year old and 4 1/2 year old. I believe it does become easier. I had similar feelings as yours about a year ago. I was in my last year of college and my husband worked 3rd shift. So he was tired and not very helpful. I was trying to keep my grades up with two very young children, and work part-time at a daycare so I wouldn’t have to pay full childcare prices. It was horrible. I managed and I prayed a lot. I also spoke to people that could relate not the ones that had the its life attitude and get over it. All I can say is stay positive and know that this is only a short period of your life although tiring it will not last forever. Now when I think about my girls it is like that time never existed. They play together and look out for each other. They are not perfect so I still have to discipline but they have a better understanding of what is expected of them so it makes it easier especially when my older daughter reminds her sister of the expectations. So I said all this to say that it will get easier. Give yourself another year when your kids can truly enjoy each other…they will bicker but it will be better than what it is now. Also, you have to allow yourself to say it is okay if I don’t clean up, cook, read a bed time story, etc. It is not the end of the world and you do deserve a break. I know this is easier said than done; I am still working on this myself. We moms sometimes feel as if we have to do a,b,c or the world is going to end but it won’t and guess what the people that we live with won’t half way notice anyway. So stay strong and know that you are not the only one with these feelings. Sorry it is so long
@Latonya – Oh, thank you for posting that! I’m sitting here about to have a meltdown b/c I had a horrible time trying to get these kids in the bed by myself and I needed some encouragement. I try to remember that this time won’t be forever, and I don’t want to wake up one day and they’re in college. *sigh* It’s a tough spot to be in, but I’m trying to slowly get out of this funk.
Hell, I wouldn’t know! I feel you. Sometimes, I feel like cleaning and laundry gets in the way of the stuff I want to do. I know that’s ridiculous b/c the house won’t clean itself, but sometimes I resent the kitchen, and the laundry room, and the 10,000 freakin window sills that won’t stay dust -free. But I have a suspicion that it will get better for us. Don’t ask me why, b/c I don’t know. Perhaps I feel it HAS TO!
Ahh, I love these comments! Moms who have been there and understand. I have to sometimes continue to remind myself of what Latonya said, “Also, you have to allow yourself to say it is okay if I don’t clean up, cook, read a bed time story, etc. It is not the end of the world and you do deserve a break. I know this is easier said than done; I am still working on this myself. We moms sometimes feel as if we have to do a,b,c or the world is going to end but it won’t and guess what the people that we live with won’t half way notice anyway.” I think my days would be like 2/3 easier if I would just take in that concept a bit more.
GREAT post (as always) but this one is definitely a fave!
the short answer – No. It never gets easier but you can always count on things changing. It’s a lifetime commitment and wont get easier at a different stage. Only different. Take care of you and you’ll find yourself having a entirely different perspective.
@Jade – I’m still learning how to take care of me but I always find some reason not to. “Oh, they’re only little for a short time, surely I don’t need to spend the day at the mall/spa/bookstore/OUT when I could be here with them.” I’m working on it.