After going through a ridiculously long, romantic, Oh-I-love-you-so-much-I’m-so-glad-we-got-married-every-day-I’m-grateful-that-I-have-you-in-my-life phase with my hubby, we have now entered that phase otherwise known as “your mere presence irks me.”
What have we been arguing about? The kids. More specifically, how to take care of them.
I thought we had figured this crap out two years back when my daughter was an infant. We learned to accept what each of us brings to the table, hold our tongue instead of criticizing, and generally remember we are a team struggling through parenthood together.
But these days? All that kumbaya mess has gone right out the window.
Our argument this weekend was about the grass. He always tries to cut the grass right before bedtime. Always. When I point out to him that I need his help putting the kids to bed, I’m met with the “Well, do you want the grass to look like crap?” face.
I forget that my husband’s brain isn’t wired like mine. When I see a situation, I see three different scenarios that could develop depending on several factors, then I see the scenarios that could then arise because of those different scenarios.
I have so many equations and scenarios running through my head it’s a wonder that Steve Jobs isn’t up here studying me right now to come up with the latest version of the iPhone.
I’m always ten steps ahead of these kids. My brain is the real life version of If You Give A Mouse a Cookie. If I do this, what will happen next?
With my husband, it doesn’t quite work that way. Granted, he is a fabulous dad. I don’t always expect him to see things my way or do things my way. Sometimes I’m wrong and I’m not afraid to admit it.
But cutting the grass when I clearly need you to take five minutes and put at least one of these kids to bed? Leads to all sorts of aggravations.
In popular culture, dads are painted as idiots. Clueless, bumbling fools who have no business with a baby. Most of the movies made about fatherhood are exaggerated, and are good for a chuckle. But it’s not true – or is it?
Men are so fundamentally different from women that it’s insane to think they would be like-minded when it comes to parenthood, right?
Let me hear your thoughts: Do dads “get it”?
I think I summed this up earlier but in case I didn’t, NOOOOOOOOO, they don’t get it! I think that some dad’s, who I give much credit to for being there, think that that’s enough. Just being there. Picking up the kid when s/he runs by you and tickling them for a minute isn’t helpful or doing anything. I get strangers who try to do that with Jaedyn just at Wal-Mart!
As much as I swear off children, people say, “Oh well, things might change once you get married and actually have a partner to help you.” Ummm, no. I don’t care if you’re married with TWO husband’s, the mother will still get the majority of the work. I actually think having a partner around would frustrate me more than being a single parent. Someone else to clean up after, have up under me and God forbid I’m exhausted trying to get my kid ready for bed and he’s just chilling watching tv or something. I don’t think it’s fair that the mothers are the one who has to wake up and get the kids in the middle of the night if they wake up, etc.
Then there is the emotional aspect of it dad’s don’t get either. Their body didn’t have to undergo so many changes, they don’t know what the hormone fluctuation is like and they just don’t worry like mothers do. When a kid falls and bumps their head, they shrug it off instantly whereas we have to run to them, kiss it, etc. Dad’s don’t rush to the Nurseline or WedMD when their kid isn’t feeling good or has a weird looking rash.
I could be here all day with examples, but I will only get more frustrated so I will leave it at that, lol
@Courtney – I do think that even if the dad is fully committed to the family, the mom still does the majority of the work. It’s just the way it is sometimes. But I think that it takes a lot of work to get a home balance that you can live with. If you cook dinner, ask him to do the dishes. I think sometimes we forget that we have to ASK. As much as it would be nice to have them sense what needs to be done, it won’t happen that way. Instead of pouting because the hubby is on the couch watching TV when I very clearly need his help, I ask for his help. I don’t have time/energy to get mad at him any more.
I just read your post and burst into laughter….last night I was talking with a good male friend, it was about 10pm and he was watering his grass….made absolutely no sense to me, but he’s not married and isn’t a father, so he can do what pleases him.
I think, like my friend, a lot of men (and women for that manner) married or not, sometimes want what they want….not thinking of how this is going to impact their partner.
In addition, sometimes behaviors of this sort, especially when they’re out of the ordinary, are ways men get our attention….
I am right there with you when it comes to thinking differently from the husband. I am like you, I am thinking about what’s going to happen in the here and now. If he let’s the baby stay up an extra hour, he sees that as no biggie. For me it means a cranky baby tomorrow, difficulty napping, me being unable to get anything done, and the both of us having a bad day.
My husband is wonderful, and a truly caring and responsible dad, but he thinks of the bigger picture. He’s more concerned with making sure our son goes to a good school and we’ve got enough money in his college fund. While I’m worried about those things too, more often I’m concerned with what he’s having for a snack and whether or not he’s had his nap.
We both bring something to the table, and it helps us ensure that all areas are covered, but there are definitely moments where we just stop and say “What the heck are you thinking?!”.
@June – Hey there! I missed you! LOL. Yes, it does seem like moms are always ten steps ahead, doesn’t it?
First and foremost, I think your argument was a fundamentally blessed one, given the fact that you didn’t have a yard to cut or water just a few months ago! Praise the Lord for promoted arguments! LOL
Your article reminds me of a vignette in “Bill Cosby, Himself” where he discusses how fathers try their hardest to look dumb so their wives won’t ask them to do anything else. Hilarious!!!
Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oqy5TMVWYn0
Yes, it’s true…but it’s a conspiracy. LOL
@Harriet – Yeah, I try to remind myself that we are blessed and little things like that don’t mean much in the long run.
NO Dads don’t get it at all! My husband thinks I have the easy life staying at home with our 2 boys. Sometimes I wish I had a job just to get a break. I tell him ‘at least you get a lunch break and a bathroom break at work’ I havent had a warm meal in over 3 years, and there is no way I can go to the bathroom by myself. All I hear the entire time is “MOMMY WHERE ARE YOU”. He thinks spendidng 30 min a day is good enough. Even on weekends when he’s home and I am exhausted I still have to get up with them in the middle of the night, get up early with them even though I have to stay up till at least midnight everynight just to pick up toys and get things done that I don’t have time for when they’re awake. God knows I love him but a little help would be nice. He actually tells me it’s my job to do all this stuff!
@Jamie – See, I know you aren’t supposed to rush your kid’s childhood, but there will be a day when we won’t be needed as much. The kids can entertain themselves and feed themselves and change themselves and do more for themselves. These early years are rough, but it’s worth it to get the kids off on the right track.
I give kudos to all the stay at home parents out there because it is HARD WORK. I just wish you all had vacation time…
Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. And then sometimes, WE don’t! I think after a while most competent men “get” that you need them to have a presence around the house. The confilct arises when your idea of what he needs to do and his idea of what he needs to do don’t align. In yoursituation, Tara, he’s probably thinking it’s the perfect time of day to cut the grass because it’s not blazing hot outside, and if he waits any long it’ll be too dark to do it and it probably won’t get done for another few days. So yeah, he’s annoyed because he sees what needs to be done, he’s trying to do it, and he’s getting “flack” for it. It’s frustrating for both parties.
@Denise – This is an older post and since then, we got to the bottom of it because I sure wasn’t going to have this conversation every three days. LOL. You know what it all boiled down to? I was resentful because if he cuts the grass, then that’s an hour and a half that he isn’t available to help me because he has to cut the front and back and edge up the sides, then take a shower. He was resentful because it takes him a long time to do it and he thought I wasn’t appreciative. I did appreciate it, just not how long it took. LOL. At the end of the day, I want all hands on deck, you know? But we worked it out
Wow.
Your husband = my fiance.
You = me.
I don’t think my fiance “gets it.” But I do think he tries to do things and do them well. I start getting annoyed though when I think of it like, “Why on earth doesn’t he understand that now is an inconvenient time to mow the lawn?” Sometimes I feel like he argues with me even when he knows I’m right about a situation, simply because of his pride. Admitting my way makes more sense is defeat to him. I’m not trying to win anything though, I’m just trying to do things in a way that works best for the kids and keeps the workload even between parents. To me, everybody wins that way.