As a faithful viewer (or at least I used to be) of Jon & Kate Plus 8, the recent nnouncement that the couple will divorce has saddened me.
Anyone who has ever watched just one episode could easily see they never had the best marriage on the planet. Somehow I think we were all hoping the fog would lift one day, they would look up and say, “Hey, we’re in this together – let’s make it work.”
But instead, here they are – headed for divorce court.
In watching the show, I’ve noticed some glaring mistakes the young couple made. Care to turn this into a teachable moment? Okay, let’s take a trip down “Please learn from our marriage mistakes” lane.
1) Watch your tone. Kate is infamous for the way she would talk to Jon, usually treating him like her ninth child instead of a grown man. Check out the clip starting at 8:10 and at 9:35.
Not so nice, right? I know she’s stressed, but taking out your stress on other people rarely, if ever, ends well.
2) Keep your family close. Ever notice that you rarely if ever saw any relatives on the show? Understandably, not everyone is comfortable with the idea of cameras videotaping you when you just want to come by and visit your nieces and nephews or cousins or grandkids. But both Jon and Kate have said that the kids don’t really have relationships with the grandparents. Her brother Kevin and his wife Jodi (once a regular on the show) have now turned on them, airing out the dirty laundry for everyone to get a whiff. Ouch. What if instead of having to fight this battle alone, Jon and Kate had the support of their family? Because now, it’s just…this:
3) Understand each other. Make sure you both understand the role you play in the relationship. Jon and Kate could have made a good team. Kate could have kept the housing running and organized, and Jon could have brought a much needed laid-back attitude. Instead, Kate wanted Jon to take control while not wanting to relinquish said control. Jon wanted Kate to lighten up, despite the fact that if she did, their lives would be in shambles. Lesson here? Play to your strengths. If you’re the laidback one, accept that, and use what you bring to the table to help the marriage work.
4) Communicate that something is wrong as soon as possible. Again, I don’t live with the Gosselins, nor do I know what goes on when the cameras aren’t there. I haven’t seen any unedited footage. But what I do see if a couple who never really hashed things out. Never got to the root of a problem, instead choosing to deal with it later. Kate once mused in an episode that, “We don’t have time to work on our tone. We’re too busy trying to survive.” Well, we see how that turned out, right?
5) Your marriage comes first, even before the kids. I hate when people say their kids come first. That’s extremely unnecessary. Of course you will always take care of your kids and if push comes to shove you’re choosing them over everyone else. We understand that. But by continually saying, “It’s for the kids. We just care about the kids. The kids are our life…” you inevitably make it OK to ignore the problems in your marriage. It’s secondary. It’s not as important. When in reality, your marriage is a huge part of your life.
What do you think we could all learn from this? Curious to hear your thoughts…
Amen!
Hey! When you referred me to your blog on Twitter, I was wondering if I would find Jon & Kate Plus 8, and yes, I did! Happy to hear your thoughts here because I totally agree with your last points. Your marriage comes first before the kids, many wives forget about their husbands when they have kids, just like Kate (whom you said Kate treated Jon like the 9th kid). It’s mother nature that we put our hearts and soul on our kids, however got to remember not to neglect the first love too.
I really like this show but its a pity that they broke up. I believe there are many things that were keep hidden from us. Kate, to me, is a great mom. In almost all the episodes, she’s actually the most hardworking parent. Jon, obviously, could not discipline his kids properly. It’s sad that the work is on one end and not balanced out. Hence, broken marriages. What’s your take?
The whole thing just makes me sick. I read in an article that Jon was just “trying to do the right thing”. Regardless of who’s “fault” this is, the RIGHT thing to do is to MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK. They have eight kids! How is a divorce the “right” thing?
They have gotten so far off course. Does anyone know if they even tried counseling?
TOTALLY agree with your last point. Putting your marriage FIRST is for the kids!
Tara you did such a beautiful job laying this out. I agree with what you have said, the theme you’ve found, the hindsight. I think its very true that Jon & Kate jumped into something very big without being prepared for what comes with it. You have to be extremely strong if you are going to open your life up to the world and strength as a whole is what they were missing. What you pointed out about the two of them is exactly right. I also think its sad the way their family has turned on them too.
I don’t know. Some folks just don’t do well together because they are not willing to work on themselves.
@Ms. Bar B – “Some folks just don’t do well together because they are not willing to work on themselves.” Amen!
I think they honestly thought their marriage was disposable. I wrote a post on BMWK.com about praying for your spouse, which really means praying for yourself. Instead of Kate praying for Jon to change and take charge, she should have prayed that she could accept him for what/who he was. Fewer clashes. Less tension. Instead they just threw up their hands and said, “We don’t know how to solve it. It’s over!” Really uninspiring!
I don’t see how anyone can think Kate is a great mom. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. She was always talking down to Jon, her Husband, the head of the household. A title she tries to take upon herself, look what it’s done to her family.
She is greedy, she has put money before her marriage and children. Instead of being at home with them, loving them, baking with them, playing in the sand with them, coloring, doing puzzles, singing, dancing, hugging, kissing, talking, reading, comforting, nurturing, and a million other things normal mothers do. She is out flying all over the country promoting books while her life is falling apart.
She admitted that her kids called her by the babysitters name. She sat there like it didn’t even bother her! She drank water in front of her child and then put it out of her reach. What kind of mother does that?
She is controlling, and she belittles every single one of them on national TV. It’s disgusting.
She’s strutting around in these designer clothes and she’s tan now with her implants. Who does she think she is?
She is not a Hollywood star. No matter how bad she wants to be.
I really hoped they would tell the world they were turning the cameras off. I was hoping they would tell us they were going to break their contract with TLC because their family is more important to them then $$$
Instead they told the world that they are divorcing. What kind of parents do that!?
Now the show is on hiatus to “give the family time to adjust to this new change in their life”
So after this so called limited adjustment period we get to watch their lives again like it’s true entertainment?
Give me a break!
I am gad that Jon has finally grown a pair, although he still doesn’t appear to have his priorities in order either.
Kate is now and has been for several years a cold hearted,controlling mother.
They need to go to counseling, cancel the show and heal their family in private. As privately as they could anyway.
It will not happen though. Kate won’t allow it. She is not a great mother, she is a horrible mother and her children will be in therapy later in life because of her actions.
@Darcel – Why don’t you tell me how you really feel? LOL.
@Darcel – Ok, I read through your comment. LOL. It took me a minute!
I’ll just address one small point you made because you are obviously very passionate about your stance and I wouldn’t dare question it for fear of my life. LOL. But you mentioned the clothes and the tan and the implants, so I’ll speak on that.
A lot of moms have taken issue with how she looks now compared to the beginning of the show. You’d have to be blind to see that she obviously has upgraded quite a bit. Parenting skills aside, isn’t that okay? Isn’t it okay for moms to want to look nice? Before, when she looked dowdy, no one was saying a thing about her looks. She looked like a stereotypical “mom.” But I find her outfits very cute and I wish I had someone to pay for a tummy tuck! I refuse to hate on her for being more stylish. I just can’t.
I would like to think that it would be easy for them to just walk away and end the show, but you have to look at it from their perspective. What are they going to do for money? How long do you think they will be able to live off the money from the show and the associated book deals? Maybe they don’t have enough to quit. If you stick around this blog long enough, you’ll see that I like to think the best of people by default.
I agree with you totally on the marriage comes first point. My latest issue is running into other mothers at my daughter’s school (so far, it’s only been the mothers) who say that their children come first, they are the absolute most important thing in their lives and they live for their children. I understand the sentiment of loving your child because you birth them and love them with every inch of your soul, but come on! Making your child more important than your husband breaks the definition and structure of what a true family is: Mom, Dad and child. Not Mom, child and Dad. I even ran into another mom who told me her son is the only man she’ll ever love. And she was married. It’s kind of sad actually…
@Cymonne – I once read a quote that said, “Once I would have pushed my husband out of the way of a speeding bus, but now I would push him in front of a bus if it made my son laugh.” Ouch. My biggest problem with Jon and Kate is that by insisting that they do everything for the kids, they neglect to see that maintaining their marriage would be the best thing they could do for the kids. I don’t know everything that has gone on in their marriage but I don’t think it’s beyond repair. Honestly.