Sometimes I think my mom slips up and thinks my daughter is her daughter.
Case in point: I went home with my daughter to see my youngest sister off to prom a couple weeks ago. Her date’s mom came by too, to take pictures of her baby boy.
She gave a knowing smile to my mom and said, “Three down, one to go, right?” nodding toward my daughter. Instead of correcting her and saying, “Um, no, chile, that’s my granddaughter,” my mom just gave a big grin, essentially claiming my daughter as her own.
If you have a baby in your early 20s or teens, your mom hasn’t quite let go yet. She still sees you as a her baby, so in her mind, her baby having a baby just doesn’t compute. To her, it feels like she just added another kid to her mix.
So how can you get Mama to see that you are capable of raising your own kids, but letting her know you appreciate the support?
- Give her opportunities to help. Ask her to help you in the areas you need help so she’ll feel needed. Need someone to hold the baby while you take a shower? Ask her.
- Be firm. Tell her respectfully, “Mom, I can handle it.”
- Be aware of her needs. Some moms (mine included) pout when things don’t go their way. If you notice she’s particularly upset, back off for a little while. She’s just excited about her grandbaby.
Do you often struggle with your mom about your ability to raise your child? Or do you have the opposite problem – having to beg to get her to participate in the child’s life?
Neither, to be honest. I guess I got lucky, but my mom has the perfect balance. She’s involved, but doesn’t step over the line. Since the day I told her I was pregnant, she’s been supportive and confident in my abilities. My M-I-L has been great too, although I do have to put my foot down sometimes. Not that she tries to undermind me for anything, but my kids know that she is a softie, so they’ll try and go around me and deal with her. That’s when I have to step in and let them know that my word is LAW.
Although I have it good, if my kids start their families as early as I did, I may end up being a little bit like your mom as you describe her. I’m already wondering how in the heck I’ll find the strength to let them go.
My mom was a huge help in getting through the first year of my son’s life, but then we moved away and I’ve been able to really establish my own values and set the limits that I see fit with him. Physical proximity is great, but it took literally removing myself from her presence to make me recognize my own identity as a mother.
My mom is a little of both. She comments on what she did with the three of us and how things use to be when she was raising kids. And at the same time, she is enjoying life as a person with nothing to hold her back. Most of her advice, I take it or leave it. I’m grown, I can do whatever I want now. She’s rarely home because she is out doing her hobbies. She occasionally watches the kids for me but I feel a little uneasy about leaving them with her. It’s not that I think she can’t take care of them. My mom was married at 20 and had her first kid nine months after she got married. Then year after year, she kept having babies (my older brother, her first, died in an accident when he was 3). She was a stay at home mom with three small children and very little breaks and babysitters. So I understand that she is really enjoying getting to know herself all over again. I had four years of childless freedom, now I just have to suck it up and drive on.
@ Cymonne – and that’s another thing about grandmas. You sometimes feel bad because they did a good job raising you, right? So why not listen to them? But times are different now and you’ve just got to learn how to shift through their advice and figure out what works for you!
My mom also acts like my daughter is her own. This is my first child and according to my mom everything I do is wrong. I understand that she has been thru the “raising children product” 3 times and I do appreciate all (and I mean ALL). Of the advice but I just wish she would let me go thru my own trial n error phase. From the way I do my daughter hair to the amount of food or type of food I give her. Now when I try to tell her or ask her to let me handle it she just gives me the sad face n try to make me feel guilty for not asking or listening to what she say…so whenever I come visit I just stay quiet and think about when its time to go home. LOL
@Brebre – Yes, my mom gives me the sad face too! I’m like, “Mom you’re almost 50. Why are you pouting?” LOL!