It seemed like 2007 was the year for acquaintances and classmates to get pregnant.
When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked, terrified, angry, but not at all excited. At least not until about four months in when the reality hit me and I got to see my little baby for the first time on the ultrasound screen. It was around my fifth or sixth month into my pregnancy when I came out of hiding and discovered so many people I knew were also pregnant. I’d say about six or seven, all of them younger than 20.
None of us came from similar families or backgrounds. We were all so different in our hobbies, likes and dislikes, but this one similarity, being a pregnant teenager, united us in an interesting way. We talked on Facebook and somewhat built a small support group. I even met up with some of them from time to time, but after each of us gave birth our pact drifted.
There are things some pregnant woman are judged on: what she eats, whether she still smokes or if she quit, is she getting an epidural or going the natural way, etc. Some people do this but not our little pregnant group. We never openly judged each other. After all, we were all going through such a difficult time having everyone else judge us, so it was nice to be able to feel safe talking to someone.
Once we had our children everyone seemed to judge one another on their parenting skills. Who breastfed, who didn’t. Who used cloth diapers, who bought disposable. What toys they had, what stroller, where they lived, who allowed soothers, when their kids were allowed to eat solids, etc. It was exhausting and frustrating and after a while I was so annoyed with listening to everyone rant to me about another mom that I pulled myself away from them and slowly made my way back to my pre-pregnancy friends, at least the ones who stuck around, the ones that mattered.
It’s unfair that we judge one another, regardless of age. I’ve always felt that since you can never truly understand someone’s history or family life, you can never truly judge that person’s decisions. It’s not a matter of nature vs. nurture, but a combination of both that creates us and our way of thinking.
My mother breastfed all of her children so it only seemed natural to me. My sister had trouble making enough milk, similar to my one aunt, and my other sister simply chose not to because it made her uncomfortable. I’m not saying any of these decisions are wrong. I understand that breast milk is best for so many reasons, but many children have been raised on formula and they seem fine (like my cousins).
That’s just an example of one topic that gets so many mothers upset, but why? When raising our own children most of us are doing our best with what we have financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.
Depression runs in my family. There are days when I just can’t make myself do anything and that’s unfortunate for my daughter when she wants to play at the park but I’m doing the best I can regardless. It’s not a matter of whipping myself into shape and slapping a smile on my face, as anyone who’s experienced depression should know, because depression doesn’t work that way. A lot of people don’t know I’m clinically depressed, have been since I was 16 (maybe even longer), all they see is a mother who’s too lazy to get off the couch and get dressed once in a while.
Regardless of what what it is, a mom “too lazy” to play outside, a woman who sends their kid to school with holes in their boots, or maybe you never even see the mom because she’s always working. You don’t know their personal story, you can’t always understand what someone is going through. That mom may have depression, or got laid off, or is working two jobs just to get by.
Of course their are parents out there who aren’t trying, who are just lazy or spends their money on alcohol and cigarettes instead of new boots, but you don’t always know that for sure.
Then there were the teen moms I knew who had families who were able to support them all the way through. They didn’t have to work or move out and were able to not only graduate on time but also go to college immediately afterwards. Their parents paid for everything for them and their child; all they had to do was get an education and save their money. For me, it was enviable when I met a young mother who had this life. I had to drop out of high school, my boyfriend got a full-time job and the three of us moved into our own little apartment. We struggled for years financially, and still do. It took me years to get to go back to school and I felt terrible because of it. But then there are young moms who don’t get any support at all, not from their parents or their child’s father and their story is so completely different.
It just seems cruel that we judge other people so quickly, before we even get to know them. Some people can rise above their pasts and their problems and get to a better life while others struggle to forgive and forget and move on. There are those who are blessed with an easy start in life while other people are still questioning why life is so unfair. We all handle things differently.
A GREAT article that hits the nail right on the head: no one knows anyone else’s story and to make assumptions about their parenting skills and/or what they’re going through is ridiculous.