[Open Discussion] Are Married Moms “Allowed” To Be Overwhelmed?

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The first and (so far) only time I ever got cussed out after a blog post was a few years ago when I wrote about being exhausted after my husband took a new job that required him to be gone 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. six days a week.  I wrote the post as a nod to single moms and the sacrifices they make as they work to provide their families with love and financial security, but I’ve since learned single moms do not like being treated as “magical, mystical women, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.” From my experience, they will tell you, “I do it because I have to.” End of story.

I still remember the commenter who told me I was a whiny little b****. “At least you have his income to spend!” she wrote. “You don’t even know what being a single mom is like.”

The majority of my friends are single moms and they share with me the challenges they face on a daily basis: needing back-up babysitters for the back-up babysitter, struggling with work and life balance with no one to share the load, being exhausted at a molecular level from being “on” every day from sun up to sun down. 

As a married mom, I am now acutely aware whenever my posts start veering toward the “woe is me” category because who wants to hear that mess from someone who has a partner helping them out, however big or small his contribution may be? I am thankful to have my husband, but even still, I get overwhelmed at times. Is that “allowed”?

My friend Emily (and awesome blogger) wrote a guest post here on her perspective of married moms:

I have never been married, but I assume it takes work to keep a marriage going. And not just a little work. As a married parent, you do not only have one important relationship, you have multiple: with your child(ren) and your spouse. As a single mom, I am not worrying about finding “us time” or how to communicate better with my partner or the million other things that come along with a marriage. I have no arguments, no disagreements, no distributing finances. It is just me and my little guy. While I do go through everything alone, there isn’t the stress of a relationship on top of everything.

Emily can certainly see both sides of the coin, but I wonder if she’s in the majority. I know sometimes when I hear a married mom complain about all she has to do, I wonder why she doesn’t just ask her spouse for help ( even as I have been there, done that with the “Why should I have to ask for help?” attitude).

Let me hear your honest thoughts: When you hear a married mom vent, are you more likely to empathize or roll your eyes?

Comments

  1. Hmm I am a separated mom. My perspective is a little different. When we were living together my friends irl, totally got that I could be just as frustrated as they were about daycare, finances, not getting me time, etc. Like you I wrote a short post that was really stating a fact and I was quickly attacked that because I was married I shouldn’t have any complaints. The fact of the matter is that marriage doesn’t erase issues.

    I like what your friend Emily wrote. My responsibilities have not changed as I was already doing what I do now. So I know I was justified in my previous statements. Although most volunteer to get married; it is one more thing on the list to be responsible for/nurture and we do all get 24 hours.

    Overall I would love for moms to stop bashing other moms. We all feel how we feel, those feelings are real, and it’s wrong to make a mom think that she’s not entitled to feel/express those feelings.

  2. I have been on both sides of this, I was a single mom for most of my kids’ lives until almost 5 years ago when I met my husband and he took up the slack where the kids’ dad had miserably failed. My worries, concerns, and hardships honestly are no different now than they were then. I still worry about not having enough money to cover everything when it needs to be covered. Although my boys are old enough to stay home alone if they get ill or school is not in session, I still have a daughter that is not and have to worry about who she is going to have around when she is ill or school is out for some reason or another. I have to worry about if I am being mom enough to my kids and wife enough to my husband because between 3 kids and my husband there is never enough time to be everything to everyone when they want me to be. We also have the added burden of the 3 being my biological children and my husband not having any children. He is still learning to be a father to kids who came into his life much older (they were 12, 8, and 6 years old when we started getting serious) when a lot of men have their own kids first.

    I agree with the post above my own that says moms need to stop bashing other moms. We each have our own unique experiences to bring to one another. I have always subscribed to it taking a village and if that village is too busy tearing one another down, well we cannot help our kids grow with a healthy dose of it, can we?

    I would never be able to say another woman has no idea how something feels simply because her situation was different than my own. Tara, you have had your own experiences because you were a mother so young, it does not matter in the least that you are married. You had challenges (and continue to have challenges) the same as those of us who waited to have the marriage even though we had the children.

    I was a mom at 14 when I became pregnant the first time. I am forever greatful that I did not rush into marrying the father of my children. That is not a marriage that would have been a good one, even though we produced amazing children. We had our own challenges, you have your own challenges and the next mom will have their own challenges. We can empathize with others based off their situations however the person that cussed you out has her own set of issues that clearly needed to be worked out. Too bad she did not stop to think about what you could bring to the table before she spoke so harshly

  3. Interesting topic Tara. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. When I had my first son, I was a single mom, in college with 3 jobs just trying to make it all work. I was stressed and overwhelmed and had a lot going on. When he turned 5, I got married but my husband was deployed during the first 2 years of our marriage so not only was I on my own but was pregnant with another baby by then. Fast forward and he’s out the military, I have four kids, 2 businesses and a load of other responsibilities.

    Having said that, I empathize no matter what her marital situation is. I think it’s kind of unfair to say that married women can’t feel overwhelmed at times because they have an additional person to help out. Why does that even matter? At the end of the day, we’re still women and being women we carry a certain load no matter who’s in the house with us. We’ll always worry if we’re mom enough, woman enough, have enough money, enough time, enough love. Those are universal issues and they exist whether you’re married or not. But it’s just that if you married, you have more things to add on that list like if you’re wife enough, givin’ it up enough, etc.

    I too wish that we as women could just respect the journey that we are all going down, encourage one another to know that if it gets hard it’s okay and not make each other feel some type of way because married or not we’re all experiencing life and it makes it so much easier if we can do that with the support of others who understand.

  4. While I have never been a single mom, I can honestly say (from my friendships with many) that a person’s struggle is their struggle. It doesn’t really matter what the martial state the person is in, anyone can feel overwhelmed at any given time.

    As women, we need to learn how to support each other, instead of tearing each other down. No, we may all not have the same burdens, but that doesn’t diminsh what each of us are feeling. We all have our own breaking point.

  5. I can empathize with married moms. As a single mom, a romantic relationship is one thing I don’t have to worry about. I applaud the women who can balance motherhood and marriage well. I hope one day I can do the same.

  6. Being a mom is being a mom…PERIOD! I am not saying that as a married mom that I have the exact challenges of a single mom but I have challenges just the same. As moms we generally take on more responsibility with our kids, it’s just the nature of things. My husband has a demanding job & if out son gets sick, in typically the one who stays with him. School vacations are a bit easier because we can schedule that time in advance, but if we need a sitter or a back up sitter guess who’s doing the arranging…{pointing thumbs at myself}.
    Am I complaining NOPE! I love my husband, I am happy to not have to carry this load alone, but a challenge is a challenge. PERIOD.