[Let’s Get It On] 3 Reasons Why You Should Initiate Sex More Often

Bedsider Somewhere around year three of our marriage (read: our kids were 3 and 2), I was lying in bed with my husband after a long day and realized he was planning to go to sleep without us, you know, being intimate. But, instead of simply letting him know I was in the mood for a little bow-chicka-wow-wow, I just kind of shrugged and figured I’d gained a good 45 minutes of sleep by not getting it on.

Now, class, who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

*sees hands waving everywhere* Yes, you in the back.

“Well, you could have just initiated sex yourself…you don’t have to wait for him to do it.”

Ding, ding, ding! You are correct! But at that point in my life, I didn’t want to have to initiate sex. Call it lazy or call it selfish but I simply didn’t want to add not another thing to my to-do list. Wash two loads of laundry. Go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Seduce husband. Who had the energy??

But I quickly realized I was doing him (and me!) a huge disservice by not recognizing his need to feel desired and appreciated. Everybody wants to know that they’ve still got it going on and my husband was no different. Still skeptical? Okay, here’s three reasons why you should scoot on over to your partner’s side of the bed more often:

1) It helps everyone feel more appreciated in the relationship.

If your partner came to you and hit you with a sincere “You look so good in that dress and all I can think about is getting you naked,” how fast would your clothes fall to the floor? In all seriousness, it’s nice that your guy thinks you’re a good mom, or a good cook or a good whatever-your-day-job is, but when they think you’re the sexiest thing walking? Well, that puts a pep in your step that will last the whole day. So  imagine what it means to your man to have you actively express your desire to him. They’ll love it.

2) It’s a healthy stress reliever.

For a while, our sex life was suffering because I was too stressed about work. That’s precisely the wrong attitude toward sex. It’s not another chore you have to fulfill before you can finally go to sleep, but it’s an ultimate way to connect and unwind in a way that’s beneficial to you both. Read up on the benefits of orgasm.

3) It allows you to own your sexuality and your desires.

I’ve got a whole series on this coming up, but for now I’ll just say this: If you want to have sex but initiating it is awkward for you, know that the more you initiate, the easier it is for you.

Is it easy for you to initiate sex? Who usually gets it going in your relationship?


  1. I think its done equally in my relationship, but when I do it, I start early. My hubby starts getting suggestive texts and conversations all during the day. When the kids are asleep–its go time 😉

  2. It’s pretty much equal in our marriage. When he doesn’t come to me, I approach him. I kind of flirt throughout the day on a regular basis, anyway, so by the time I have the opportunity, he already knows whats about to happen. Sometimes I think I tire him out, lol, so I give him a break every so often. However, I know he likes the attention. He eats it up…

    Men like to know that they are desired and truly wanted, plus, I personally find that the more we have sex, the easier it is to navigate through hard times, and we get along better. It’s really hard to feel tension or fight with the man I’m constantly making love to.

    • @CJ – It took me a long time to realize that. When your sex life is purring and everybody’s having regular orgasms (lol), the small things are just that – small things.

  3. Omg.. I. SUCK. At. This. Like big time. It’s such an issue and it’s so funny because I have an assertive personality but when it comes to initiating sex, I”m like in the corner rocking backa nd forth!! Lol. It’s ridiculous. I’m working on it but it’s awkward and I feel so un-sexy doing it mostly because I feel like I’m trying to be some sexy monster that I’m not. I’m just me — which I think is part of the problem but it’s definitely real life over here. I need a class or some books or something.

    • @Mignon – I used to be really bad at it but I think I’m improving. I have to stop trying to be “sexy,” and just be me – a woman who wants to have sex, you know?

      • Exactly. I do want it… but its like how do you do that without being awkward. I know I’m over-thinking it. See, this is why Beyonce makes me sick. When Destiny’s Child came out she was awkward and not the least bit sexy. All I”m saying is, who taught her? And whoever did needs to email me.

        • LOL. You are so right! It wasn’t til this last album that I was like, “Bey is a MILF!” I’ve been taking lessons from her on the low. 😉