Ever since I first had my daughter when I was 17, I’ve felt confused with who I really am and who I’m supposed to be. I think part of that is just my own insecurities but another part could be that I don’t fit in with people close to own age or the parent’s of my daughter’s classmates.
Whenever I meet people my own age, I realize that our lifestyles are completely different. I often look at them and wonder how they could have so much spare time and money to spend on themselves. I hear their stories and wonder if I would be like that, too, if I hadn’t had a child so young? Not that there is anything wrong with the way they live, just that I can’t seem to relate.
On the other side, waiting to pick my daughter up from school with the other parents feels just as awkward. Most of them are at least ten or more years older than I, and I often feel like I’m not taken very seriously. Out of all of the parents I’ve talked to at the school I am the only one renting an apartment, going to college and supporting myself. Most of the other moms are stay-at-home moms that have huge houses and husbands that make good money, though I suppose that could have more to do with the neighbourhood than the age difference. Either way, I don’t fit in and so I typically wait by myself.
On both ends I feel judged for having a child at my age. It keeps me from interacting with people and trying to make friends. I don’t really mind so much for my sake, but I worry my daughter will eventually notice (if she hasn’t already) and I don’t want her to feel any different than the other kids.
I’ve never really discussed this with other young moms. I’m not sure if it’s just me or not. However, I suppose as long as I keep working hard and doing everything I can to let my daughter know how much I love her, and provide everything she needs, it doesn’t really matter what other people think.
I’m a young mom. Bean was born amidst my quarter life crisis. While most of my friends are partying, staying out late, spending and generally behaving recklessly, I’m not. I never have. It has been hard to fit in. My childless friends “ooh” and “aah” appropriately, but that can get pretty awkward when that’s all they do. My older friends, brush off my concerns, which were once their concerns, but are now childlike to them. It’s a tough spot to be in and thanks to the web, I know I’m not totally alone.
I have found that my circle of friends has shifted dramatically over the years. When I had my first child, I was 17 and I was still in college and all my friends lived on campus and partied and all that while I lived at home and worked 3 jobs to make it all work. Then after we graduated, some remained my friends and some didn’t. Now, here I am four kids in, those same people aren’t my friends. We didn’t have anything in common anymore. I find that I click the best with who I call “like-minded” people. Folks who understand the parenting mindset — they know the struggle. And because of that, I only have like 2 or 3 really good friends. But as far as the kids school goes most of the parents here are young. Shoot, my son’s teacher last year was younger than me. So that kind of changes it a little and makes it easier to talk to them. But, somehow I still feel isolated amongst them. It’s definitely an interesting aesthetic. I think the more involved you are in the school the more they welcome you. Otherwise you’re just one of “those parents.” And, I think I’m okay with that as long as my kids are happy, healthy and learning.
I can honestly say I feel like I fit right in among the other
moms at my daughter’s school. I feel like I don’t fit in with my own age group because some of them are not parents.
No, it’s not just you. The average age here in the UK for a woman to have her first child is 32 apparently – I was 3 kids in by this point. Lots of people I know through work don’t have or want kids, or theirs are very young and don’t always get the crises of teenagers etc. I was particularly struck by the fact people were much warmer to me 3rd time around when I was pregnant; it was often assumed this was my first, with lots of comments on how great it will be for me, congrats etc – yet with the first 2? Hardly a dicky bird, even though I was 26 when I had my second (I do look younger than I am). I was 18 when I had my first and now my son is 15, people still constantly mistake him for my little brother. What’s more, I have two uni degrees etc and live in a deprived area, so many of the young mums are not professionals and don’t want to know me at the school gates; I even heard one the other day saying “I look down my nose” at the other Mums, even though I’ve never spoken to her or her friends, but always smile at them when I pass with my kids (If I don’t stay to talk, it’s cos I’m always rushing off to work, etc). In other words, I’m totally in limbo, which can get quite lonely but luckily I’m married to a great guy and the friends I do have are brilliant.