Over on the Michael Baisden Facebook page I saw this last night:
For those of you who don’t know, Michael Baisden is a radio talk show host, an author and a couple other labels. He seems to frequently talk about young parents (as it’s a hot topic in the black community) and as usual, this latest one has got me going.
Let’s see some of the responses to this, shall we?
Okay, where to begin on my rant? First of all, a little background on me. I had my firstborn at 20 and I was scared from the time I peed on the stick until about…today. I’ve been scared that I wouldn’t do a good job and that I didn’t have what it took to be a great mom. Even though I had my boyfriend’s (now husband’s) support, my parents stepped in and provided the type of support that made it impossible for me to fail. They came by and played with my daughter while I studied. At least once a month they would watch her overnight, giving me and my husband a breather and allowing us to have date nights and such. And when my son came along two years later, they swooped him up and gave him as much love and support as they had to give.
I am proud of the relationship that my kids have with their grandparents. My mom and dad usually don’t go more than two weeks without seeing them and my kids can’t get enough of their Nana and Pop. To me, that’s the way it’s supposed to be – older generations spending time with the newer generations and helping to mold them into great adults.
My grandmother watched me and my sisters while my mom worked and I know understand what a relief that was for her. To not have to pay outrageous daycare costs. To literally be able to walk us across the street to my grandmother’s house and walk us back home when she got off work.
To suggest that refusing to babysit (or as I call it, spending time with your grandkids) is serving as some sort of punishment for young parents? That’s reckless. Young parents, more so than any other parenting group, need that support. At every turn we’re shamed for having our kids, expected to fail, and burdened with adult responsibilities that we might not have the experience to excel at. This is hard. And we’re not supposed to ask our parents to watch our kids so we can go to the movies for a breather? We’re supposed to be run into the ground because we have to deal with the “consequences of our actions”? Give me a break. Literally.
I know for a fact that if my mom was of the “That’s your kid – you take responsibility for it” mindset, life would be very, very different for me. For one thing, I wouldn’t have this blog. I would be even more stressed and probably on some type of anti-depressant to deal with my shortcomings.
More and more, I’m realizing that I can’t do this on my own and I need to bring in more people to help me make it through. And you’re darn right that my parents are a big part of that.
I think this grandma had the right idea:
What do you all think about this conversation? Is it necessary? Do your parents help you out a lot, a little or not at all?
Wow. My parents watch my 7 month old son so that I can study, so that my husband and I can have a date night (maybe once a month), or they take my little man so that I can have the occasional heavenly nap in the afternoon. They are amazing with my son. I grew up very close to my grandparents and it make a world of difference. Especially as a teenager, if I had a problem I didn’t want to talk to my parents about, I would go to a grandmother instead of a stupid teenage girlfriend. The more people who love my child the better, and I know that my son’s grandparents would never do anything to hurt him, they want to help him become the best possible person he can become.
If I were out clubbing, hooking up or whatever, sure, that’s a problem. But most of us aren’t, we’re trying to make a better life for our kids.
“I know for a fact that if my mom was of the “That’s your kid – you take responsibility for it” mindset, life would be very, very different for me. For one thing, I wouldn’t have this blog. I would be even more stressed and probably on some type of anti-depressant to deal with my shortcomings. ”
My mother was that type of mother. She waited until my oldest was almost 3 to spend much time with her alone, and when she finally did come around it was still very few and far between. I think what finally made her come around was when she found out I had placed my third child for adoption and she had not even known I was pregnant.
I struggled from day one as a parent because of this mindset. I went through several depressions, like you describe you imagine you would have. I stayed in an abusive marriage for way to long because, I knew if I left I wouldn’t have the support I would need. It all was very bad and still is not where it should be. My oldest is 19 now, her sister about to be 18. Thankfully neither of them has followed in my footsteps. They have seen my struggles and made better choices because of this, I believe. Still, even if they had or still do become young moms I would never ever say no to watching my grandchildren. I look forward to spending as much time with them as their parents will allow me. I just hope it doesn’t happen for another 8-10 years!!
This to me is one of those scenarios where it is not “one-size-fits all.” I was a young mother and my family was extremely helpful in helping watch my daughter etc. while I continued to go to school, work etc. After I had my son as a not-so-young mother, my family continues to help me in the same way.
At the same time, I was well aware that my mother, as a young single grandmother, still had her own kids to take care of at home, still had a job to go to every day, and did not make the decision to have a baby. So while I was appreciative of the fact that she was there to help, I didn’t have the expectation that I should be able to rely on her support as a 20-year-old mom anymore than I do as a 30+ mom. I see too many situations where grandparents basically end up raising grandchildren for young parents, which to me is unfair. There is a line between supporting and enabling, and I think while the extended family’s role is to be there to help, it isn’t to be there to make life easy.
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@Aja – I agree with you for the most part, but I guess my question is this: What is the difference between helping and making life easy? Don’t we, as parents, want people in our lives (and in our kids’ lives) who make life easier? I took offense to Michael Baisden’s post because it kind of feels like punishment for having a child. Once that child is here, the focus on the “mistake” should be gone. There’s a child in the world who now needs love and support and an additional source should be its grandparents. My parents help me out a lot and it definitely makes life easier. They do more than I expect them to do, which is awesome in its own way. But with all I’ve got going on, it’s all hands on deck and I’m grateful to have my parents on board.
I definitely don’t think that parents should step aside to punish children. I just think that as grandparents they should also be allowed to enjoy being grandparents and providing that love and support without having to step in as mom and dad, financially or otherwise, to children they didn’t decide to have, whether the child having the baby is 18 or 35. I receive plenty of support from my family now just as I did when I was younger, but I never felt entitled to more support with my child at 20 than I do at 30.
My position is a lot less about “punishing” a young parent, than it is for remembering that their parents are people too, and young grandparents are often in the position of caring for their own children, caring for their own elderly parents, working, and then having the responsibility of providing for grandchildren, financially and in other ways.I see the stress on a regular basis that young grandparents are under having to fill all of these roles, and I think that when we talk about them being obligated to support us, we have to think about who is supporting them, which is often no one.
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@Aja – I get what you’re saying. I feel fortunate that even as my parents juggle their other responsibilities, they still try to make my kids a priority. So I feel extremely blessed.
I THINK I understand what he was trying to say but again he does a miserable job of it, as he always does… I’m not a fan. My mother is 100% supportive and helps me raise my daughter while I work and I am theoretically in the best position to have a child – gainfully employed, home owner etc. Regardless of the age I had my child, my mother would NOT HAVE stepped aside to teach me a lesson. I would have received support regardless.
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I can hardly wait to have grandchildren so that I can help with them, frankly! My grandmother watched my first child two days a week when I had to work. My little sister babysat one day a week. My mother now helps me with homeschooling and picking up kids from school when I need her to. That’s what families are supposed to do.
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This is the problem with the Black community now. We don’t want to be of service to those who need our help. Are all young moms responsible? No. Are some of them going to take advantage of their parents? Yes. But the big picture here is that those kids will be in a safe home with people who love them.
We have the highest rate in just about every negative statistic in America-HIV, AIDS, foster kids, violence, prison, etc. Think about it, a lot of these rates are high because a grandparent, cousin, aunt, uncle or whoever didn’t step up to the plate when the parent or cried out for help.
I know that you can handicap people but at the same time telling grandparents that by babysitting they’re enabling their young kids to procreate is just a bunch of crock. I just have a big problem with people trying to tell others not to do good deeds. Raising kids is hard work. It takes a village and I am grateful that my village includes my mom and that she is committed to being not only in my children’s lives but in my life by any means necessary!
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Ugh i went through this mess with my sister. My parents were wonderful but lived almost 4 hours away. My sister and her husband lived right down the street (and had a son just a little younger than mine) but wouldnt watch my son unless i provided dinner for the whole family or money or something. So they probably watched him only once or twice the entire time we lived in the same city. It was hard for me to stomach. Her husband would say, we’re not watching her kid so she can go out on a date or something! It almost destroyed our relationship. But as life often does to even out a nasty attitude they fell on really hard times and had to relocate and move in with my parents. And even though they have their own place now, they have to depend on my parents for a lot of help with the kids. And that attitude they had has magically dissappeared. Rather ironically though, i’m married, live in a new city, and dont actually need their help now. But at least they have been forced to understand what family is supposed to do for one another and have stopped standing in judgment of parents who need help. Life is about balance. Just because you have a child doesnt mean you no longer need time for yourself, to reflect, to rejuvenate, to feel like a woman instead of JUST a mother. People can accept that from married mothers but balk at the idea when the mother is single. tsk tsk. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
It’s almost like he doesn’t know what to say and how to say it. You’re only targeting a select few that like to drop of their kids with their parents to go party. The majority of us do not and would not do it. My parents are very supportive of me and my girls. So much so that, if we do not bring the girls over after like 2-3 weeks, my mom is calling me wondering what’s going on. Even for me, I had my oldest daughter at 25 and my youngest at 26…they are not even a full 11 months apart and they show the same amount if not more support for me and hubby. My parents love spending time with them and want to see them at least twice a month. They understand that every now and then we need a break and they want to give it to us. He has no right to judge young mothers whether single or married. He should be glad that we have grandmothers and grandfathers who want to spend time with their grands and truly love on them..
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I agree with you 100% Tara. Grandparents are such a blessing because they are a wealth of knowledge for their children and grandchildren. My mom used to send us to stay with my grandma for the summer (I can only imagine the break this gave her with 4 kids under 7). And those are some of the best memories of my childhood. There is so much I have learned about being a mother from my mom – she prides herself in being an awesome gma like her mom is. And my son adores her and my MIL – sometimes I feel like he likes them more than he likes me! LOL
He is making a HUGE blanket statement and I know he can’t be THAT insensitive. But I also feel like he isn’t speaking to the grandparents of children like yours Tara, or mine, or any other mother that is a YML reader – i.e. the type of mother that is looking to be more than a statistic.
We are the mom’s that are grateful for the support our parents give, not so we can “club”, smoke, drink, not work etc. We use their help to attend school, work, take time to strengthen our marriages/relationships, etc. We aren’t asking our parents to give us hand outs or financially bear the brunt of raising yet another child.
But unfortunately, there are young (and now old) parents like that out there. And I agree with him that they need to raise their own kids. Sadly, I think it is in the best interest of those children to not be raised by a parent like that and if a grandparent is the one that is there to give those children the love, structure, and support they need, so be it. I would rather have that then another irresponsible parent that shouldn’t have kids in the first place hurt a child they are too lazy, ill-equipped, and mentally immature to raise.
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I love your response! My brother and sister-in-law are 30 and have a three month old daughter. My mother babysits one day a week, and her other grandmother babysits one day a week. This actually allows them to be responsible parents–they’re saving some much needed money on child care, and fostering a strong relationship between their child and her grandparents. Don’t we want that for our children?
My grandmother died when I was four, and I’m so grateful that she was my primary “baby sitter” up until that point. Thank goodness she didn’t wait until I was older to spend a meaningful amount of time with me, or think she was allowing my parents to be irresponsible.
My parent live 7 hours away so they don’t help and even if they were close I would not want their help (long story) My mother-in-law lives locally but I don’t trust her so I get different types of help from her. Overall I am responsible for raising my kids and thankfully have had much success. I too had my first kid at 20 and never took or needed help. That;s just stubborn old me though. I do understand where Michael Baisden is coming from though. I know MANY once young moms that took advantage of their parents and they are sorry moms even on to this day. My husband was raised completely by his grandmother because his mother (she had him at 17) did not know how to parent. His grandmother saved his life otherwise the streets would have taken him.
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I feel its totally selfish to have a child expecting your parents and siblings to babysit through out the week in shifts. Mothers shouldn’t demand and expect such a help. if the grandparents and sis offer to do it then that’s great, but to shove a schedule to their face while you work and expect others to care for your offspring to save money on child care is taking advantage. And then using emotional black mail to say if you don’t get the help you will self destruct is pity driven crap and the mother should have thought about it before having the child. Nobody owes you anything they are your children take responsibilty children know when they are being passed of to people because mummy can’t keep it together.
@Maria – I don’t think anyone here suggested that we EXPECT our parents to watch our kids, particularly not in shifts. So I will leave that part alone. But I will say this: NO ONE MAKES IT THROUGH MOTHERHOOD ALONE. NO ONE. If I didn’t have help, yes, I would be even more stressed out. It’s not “pity-driven crap,” but it’s true. I am a strong enough mother to say that I need help to be the best mother I can be. My grandmother helped raise me and my sisters, and now my mother (and father) help me with my kids. That’s what I know and what I see to be beneficial. It is not “selfish” to ask someone to watch your kids so you can get a breather. Postpartum depression most often occurs when people are isolated and have no support. And when other mothers read comments like yours, it makes them even less willing to ask for help (because they should have thought about that before having the kid, right?). And it pisses me off because then they suffer in silence. I’m not sure if you’re a mom or not, but can you honestly say you do it all by yourself? If a grandparent is willing to watch your kids while you study, or go to work, or heck, even go for a run, then why not accept the help and keep it moving.
My mom helps when she could, but I would love to have her help more. Not just to help me get through those patches of time when I feel like I’m losing my mind, but also those times when I’m in seriously need of a break.
Raising a child is hard, especially when you’re on your own.
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I think it really does take a Village to raise a child. Parents, grandparents, teachers, child care providers, a church family, friends, and whoever else who happens to be available in your circle to provide support. Its not about looking for a way “out” of parenting, but its about providing the best possible care for the child, and no, it can’t be done alone. You most definitely WILL not last long in the game if you are playing every single position. My mother has passed away, but I am fortunate enough to still have my grandmother. When my daughter came along, I was a freshmen in college. My grandmother volunteered, more like demanded, that I leave my daughter with her while I went to class because she didn’t trust anyone else to take care of her in my absence. Its not that we expect parents and grandparents to just take our kids, and its not that we don’t view them as people who have lives, but its because they are individuals who have lives and most importantly, they have agency, that they are such a vital part of our children’s lives.
I wish that every young mother had a solid support network behind her. Its just vital for survival, especially when up against a society that is rooting for us to fail. At the end of the day, its all about providing the best possible care for our children, and a part of that is entrusting children to the people who love us most. Together we can
I can see where he was going with this. I live out of state from my family and couldnt get help everyday phyisically but got plenty of advice over the phone. My cousin, who is a year younger than me, had a daughter at 19 and didnt prepare for it and didnt even let anyone know she was bringing a child into this world until she was, literally, in labor. So from the get go her mom and grandma pretty much took over raising the baby because she was too young to comprehend what the baby needed. Well now, at 3 yrs old, she is an unruly child who throws major fits because there is no 1 person raising her. So she doesnt listen to anyone. So i think it all comes down to the situation. If its a young mom whos working hard and needs a helping hand, the grandparents cant help enough. But if its someone who just lets you take over and raise the kid, then the grandparents need to step back and just give advice and not take over. Otherwise that child will never have the relationship with its mother that it should.
nope my in-laws “don’t have the time” n my father (no mother she passed) is almost 80 soooo I wish i had help/a break / a day off or some babysitter help(unpaid lol) but nope never did and unfortunately never will but i will help my kids if/when they need it because i have felt the struggle.
and I work, go to college and am married………plus………… my spouse works really long hours…………….if a grandparent can babysit why not as the old ways should be passed down not to mention decency aka morals, and grandparents would take care of their grandchildren better than any paid sitter…….
First, I feel like he was implying that automatically, a young parent=irresponsible parent, and a lot of people harbor that same sentiment, which is so wrong. Unless you are sending your kids off to Grandma/Paw-Paw’s house every weekend so you can get drunk/high, have one-night-stands, I don’t see the enabling part. And as it was mentioned, why do these parents need to be “punished”? Because they are young? What about 30+ parents in similar situations?
Now, I think that most grandparents have a desire to help their grown children be good parents. What is so bad about them babysitting from time to time? Grandparents can help their children become better parents. I receive most of my guidance and support from my parents, and yes that does include them babysitting from time to time (1-3 days every 6-8 weeks).
Children also benefit from spending a lot of time with their grandparents, because lets be honest, sometimes kids respond more positively to people that are not their mom/dad. My children have two more people (my parents) that they are very close to, and I doubt that would be the case if they only saw them for four hour visits every 3 weeks (which is how often I go to my parents house to visit).
I do know of parents who’s kids are at their grandparents houses so much that I almost forget they are parents, but can people stop acting like that is everyone’s case?
What about parents who had a child and the mother admits she could never stay home and be a full time Mom. The father is a dumb ass and wont change a diaper (because its gross) and will hang over at his Mother’s house so the baby mama can sleep in on the weekends (as she’s tired from working all week). Not to mention, Grandma is near 65 and watches the baby from 6-6 Monday thru Friday…and weekends when her good for nothing son comes over at 7 so “mom can sleep in”. Is this abuse??? I think so. Oh and Mom can’t even take the time off to get the baby his required yearly shots…so Grandma takes him in. These parents are my loser Brother and Sister in law who should have never had a child….love my nephew but they can handle parenting. now, they want to have another just so he wont be an only child. Grandma wont say no to anything and they take advantage of EVERYTHING!