If I say so myself, I’ve got two pretty smart kids.
My daughter just went for her kindergarten assessment and at barely 4.5 years old, scored better than some of the five-year-olds (who are about to be six). The headmaster of the school called and said that many 4-year-olds are not ready to handle kindergarten but my daughter had an excellent skill set. We should send her.
My son (almost 3) is very talkative, knows his shapes, colors, letters, numbers, how to spell his first and last name, all that jazz. He’s very good with puzzles. He follows his sister’s lead in everything and if I had to make a guess, I’d say he’s more advanced than she was at that age.
But when I read articles like this, about a 5-year-old prodigy, I begin to feel a little inadequate. I read to my kids every night. We’re always talking about what we’re doing, going in-depth about why things are the way they are. I ask my daughter to spell the colors she sees, and we sound out words together. She’s well on her way to being a strong reader. We cook together, and I use that as an opportunity to teach them about addition and subtraction (“If I use three eggs, and four are left in the carton, how many is that all together?”). I take them places, regularly spending time at the library, the zoo, the bookstore, the children’s museum, the park.
But still. Doesn’t seem like that’s enough. Especially since they’re home with me now.
As a work-at-home mom I feel a lot of anxiety about the fact that I am working a good chunk of the day. I worry that I am not enough, that I am not feeding them the knowledge they need to be successful in school and beyond.
I’m enrolling them in art classes, and dance classes to help them channel some of that creativity they display every single day. I’m creating new flash cards and posting “affirmation words” on their walls to help them feel smart, powerful and capable.
My biggest fear is that my kids grow up and be average. Just kind of floating through life, no direction or motivation. No internal force that drives them to be great. I hope they know that I expect greatness from them. I really do. Since they were young, I would pull them close and whisper in their little ears, “I see big things in your future, little one.” Ask my daughter wants to be when she grows up and she’ll tell you she wants to be a judge. I tell her she should be on the Supreme Court and she nods. “Yeah, that’s cool, too.”
Right now, I’m building a base for the rest of their lives. I’m trying to be even more purposeful about my parenting – being fully present when I’m in the same room as they are, being patient as we’re learning something new, planning more excursions that fit on my still-growing freelancing salary.
I do not want to let my children down. I do not want to look back and think of all the things I could do for them but didn’t. I don’t want my laziness (yeah, let’s call it that) to negatively impact their future.
Sometimes I feel like I’m putting undue pressure on myself. After all, like I said in the beginning, my kids are pretty smart. I don’t want to succumb to the pressure to make sure my kids are speaking 23 languages by the time they can wipe their own butts good. I don’ t necessarily want to be a so-called “tiger mom,” threatening to throw away all my daughter’s toys if she doesn’t master a complicated piano piece within a matter of days.
But I do want to push my kids. And I do want them to get all the opportunities they can. I want them to be confident in their abilities, love learning for the sake of learning, and be able to chart their own course as they grow up.
Is what I’m doing now enough? I don’t know. I have some thinking to do.
Both of my daughters skipped a grade while they were in traditional school. They are smart and talented, and blah, blah, blah. I did all the things you are doing right now when they were young, and also doing it for my baby boy who is 18 months old. The one thing I’ve learned through my 14 years of parenting is that it is important to get them to tap into their interests and gifts.
If they aren’t interested they will eventually fall off from whatever it is they are doing. My 14 year old is finishing her Freshman year of high school and she’s interested in going to a great college, so I can use that to badger her about her grades. They are good, She’s in honors and she’s always on honor roll. However, I still have to keep her motivated and I have to constantly remind her to turn this in, check with that teacher, and blah, blah, blah. Her interest is in music. I discovered that about her when she was 3 weeks old. I sang her a song and she sang it back to me on key. I knew that the family genes of music had passed down to her dna.
However, she loves to read. She’s concerned about humanity, and she’s just all around smart, smart, smart. I talk to her about her interests outside of music because who knows if she will turn away from her desire to be a big star.
I could on about the other children and their interests as well, but my point is this. If you direct them in their interests they will never be average. Yes, if they love to sell, you’d want to encourage them to open their own business as opposed to working at the Gap. However, the drive has to come from within them to be more than average. Our job, I think, is to help them find their passion and interests, and I believe they will work hard in that area because they love it and it’s what they are here for.
Hi, Tara. It’s been while since I’ve dropped by, but after reading your blog on BMWK and now here, I was compelled to share a little insight.
I have four children: one in college, one in middle school, and two in elementary school. They are all wired differently and bring their respective gifts to the table as is! Each of them have a different learning style which requires me to be like a rubber band – flexible.
It appears that all four of them will be entrepreneurs on one level or another. In fact, my two younger sons who are 12 and nine, run a French tutoring company and are about to release their first book next month. However, that is not because of what society dictates or because I felt the need to “keep up” with what I saw other children doing. I simply tapped into the gifts that God has given them and sought his direction on how to best utilize those gifts to bring glory to him and bless others…when he was ready.
The undue pressure you referenced I know all too well. Then one day God said to me, “The safest place in the world for your children is in my will. Relax and give them to me.” So, I did! Oh, what peace we often forfeit!
Fear is the opposite of faith. The two can not coexist. I believe you have faith, Tara. In fact, I know you do. When you go into your kitchen to turn on the light, you don’t stand there and say, “Please light. Please, please, please turn on.” You just flip the switch! When you are about to take a load off your feet and sit on your couch, you don’t contemplate whether or not it will hold your weight. You just flop down and chill.
Just yesterday, I heard a local pastor say, “When we take a time release tablet for our allergies, we just pop it in our mouths and go knowing that it will activate in our bodies when necessary. Why can’t we just trust God to “release” whatever he needs to activate in our lives when the time is right?” Enough said. I refuse to give more credence to electricity, furniture, and over the counter drugs!
Tara, I encourage you to trust God’s guidance! He’s done great by you and your family thus far and I have no doubt he will continue to reveal his perfect plan for you and your family.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
@Kimberly – Thank you!! Your comment is JUST what I needed to hear!
You have to remember your motto. You are doing the BEST that you can. No need to pressure them much more. They are your seed and love to learn as you love to learn.
As long as you are doing the best you can, your childern will be fine. They are destine for greatness we both know that. You have spoken it over her life on what she will be, know you just have to let God do the rest. He says in his word speak things as not though they were. You have done that. So it will be so!
@Kanesha – Thanks! I love it when people remind ME of the things I’ve said before. LOL. I always tell myself that I am enough for my kids. But that desire to give them the best, to be the best mom, sometimes I even doubt myself. But I’m working on me.
Love this article, as I do all your articles. I just saw the child prodigy video last night & felt the same exact way you are feeling! I instantly got online to look up some audio/visual aids to teach my son Spanish…lol. I felt so inadequate & like I’m wasting time & not doing enough to enhance my child for the future. I guess this is just a mom thing or a parent thing. Doesn’t matter the age, race, etc….we all (well most of us) beat ourselves down & feel like we just can’t do enough and there’s just not enough time or money to accomplish it all.
I guess we just do the best we can & hope that whatever we instill in our children helps them to grow to be productive adults. All I really want when I sit back & think about it is for my kids to be happy.
@Asha – I’d be lying if I didn’t say I looked up some language stuff too! LOL.
Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is enough. Will it be enough for them to grow into smart, independent adults…lawyer, doctor, executives, president of the U.S. I wonder if I am being selfish not wanting to spend money on things like piano lessons, art lessons, or prestigious private schools. I think to myself, they will be alright because I sure did not have any of those things. It seems as if that is what everyone is doing now. I do teach them( kids age 3 and 2) at home, every chance I get and I take time to explain things to them so they can apply to different situations. I am sure they will be “smart”, but I do wonder if I push them too much while we are learning at home. I don’t want them to be scared to learn. I do want them to have a great childhood. I want them to remember playing in dirt, rolling in the grass, riding their bikes, and playing patty cake. I am kind of torn on what I should be doing.
@Inyeda – See, that’s where I am. I remember doing one or two activities, like ballet when I was younger. But my parents knew I wanted to be a writer, so they bought me books. They left me alone to read. They took me to the bookstore EVERY Friday. They didn’t spend a ton of money and I’d say I’m pretty successful and driven. I do want them to be “kids” – but how do you figure this all out? Hmm…
Tara, my kid is younger than yours, and I am really fighting the urge to succumb to the ridiculous urge to push her unecessarily. It’s way too easy to put an inordinate amount of pressure on yourself, with virtually every mother bragging about how their child is in the honors program and all these products aimed at getting you to teach your child to read, write, and do math before they’re even potty-trained. I constantly tell myself that graduating early isn’t always a good thing. I left for college when I was 17 and still spent 5 years in undergrad, because after 4 years I still wasn’t emotionally ready or mature enough for life beyond undergrad. I figure as long as my daughter is well-rounded and well adjusted, who cares if she doesn’t skip a grade?
When I read what you’re doing with your kids, it’s absolutely stunning. I have no doubt that they’ll grow up to be smart, well-adjusted, and a source of great pride for the both of you.
Tara, you are doing a GREAT job as a parent. My 14 & 16 year old daughters have enough on their plates without adding to the chaos. They are both black belts in karate, can both play the piano and are star volleyball athletes. School takes up so much of their time and they are both overachievers when it comes to their work. I don’t push them too hard because they are in a very good place. The little one will get the same from us as well. I won’t have my kids in fifty-eleven things to make them well rounded in the eyes of society. They have a great support system at home to become whatever they choose. We keep it really simple around here.
Like you I struggled with feelings of inadequacy when I read or saw other children doing things that mine weren’t doing.
It’s a never ending struggle but you learn to realize that after you done all you can for your children, you have to accept them as they are.
We all want great things for our children – some live up to our expectations, many don’t. It doesnt mean that we are failures.
Since everyone can’t be a superstar, I have no problem if my children are “average”, as long as they’re living out their purpose in a way that’s pleasing to God; however He chooses to use them is fine with me.
In parenting, you learn to let go and realize that no matter what you can’t control every outcome. It’s not settling- its accepting and trusting.
Of course what you’re doing now is enough. I would have to agree that your children are pretty intelligent for their ages. I think that as moms we’re always questioning whether we are or aren’t doing enough or preparing our kids enough. There just comes a point when you have to trust your own parenting skills and know that you are doing the best that you can.
Remember, that while we want our kids to be smart and have drive, if we push them too hard or enroll in too many activities they’ll end up burned out. Also, there won’t be any fun left because they will have already been there and done that. You just have to find that balance that keeps them learning but also keeps things fun and in perspective for their ages.
I wish I would have been pushed a little more. Not neccesarily in one area. I would have liked to have tried many different things until i found someting I liked. Thats my plan with the kids – open their eyes to as many different hobbies/sports/subjects as I can.
I have 2 kids of my own (12 and 7 years old) who are both doing really well. Like you, when they were younger I was very eager to set them off on the right foot and I had dreams of making them prodigies too. But later on, I realized not everybody is born to be a prodigy and, more importantly, happiness lies not in being able to do what others do best but simply in doing the best that you can. And that’s what I tell my kids as well. I share my own experiences in nurturing my kids on http://nurturingkids.zymichost.com. Hope it could be of help.
*Sigh* This is constantly on my mind and I’ve actually coined the term “medium nerd” for how I would like to see my child end up. It is tough but I think there is a necessary balance between being popular and being smart and you need to have a little social and a little push as well too. I think that if you are a parent and are concerned about this at all then you are already in pretty good shape and won’t be creating “ordinary” children. Just being you – they will absorb so much. I’m always walking a fine line and my husband makes fun of me but I just want to provide her the very best and most opportunities. Caring is 90% of the battle I think
Hey Tara! Congrats on all the things you are doing for your children! As everybody has said, you are doing everything that is in your power to ensure success in their future and I commend you for that! However, after reading this post, I can’t help but feel guilty for my own parenting. I have a four year old and an 8-month old. I recently started working full-time outside the home and I feel like I never have any time to spend with them or money to dedicate for programs for them to join. I would like my son to learn how to play the piano because he likes music and also for him to play some sports of his choice. I do read to both of my children when I am not exhausted from a lack of sleep the night before due to my baby’s teething but I feel horrible for my older son. This post has really made me wake up a little more to see that something needs to change. So again, congrats to you and thanks for the wake-up call! 😉
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Happy holidays!