Some people think it’s finances. Other think it’s sex. Others still think it’s lack of communication.
Don’t get me wrong – all three can mess up your relationship. But the #1 relationship killer?
Resentment.
Let me explain.
One day when I was about four months postpartum with our first child, I found myself in that place where you just don’t feel like your partner is pulling their weight, you’re angry but can’t quite pinpoint the reason why, and you feel helpless to change the way you’re feeling.
I turned to my husband and let the words tumble out my mouth in a way that made sense to me, but to him it probably sounded Charlie Brown-esque.
He looked up at me and cut me off in mid-tirade. “You resent me. You resent the fact that you got tied down so young. You think you have way too much responsibility for someone your age.”
He said it so calmly, so matter-of-fact that I stood there like a statue for about 10 minutes. He couldn’t possibly be right. Is that what I’m feeling? Resentment? But…I love my kids. LOVE THEM. Would do anything for them. I love my husband.
I took a couple weeks to mull over what he said and I realized (begrudgingly) that he was right. I resented the hell out of him.
Not because I hated my life, but because I felt his life changed so little compared to what I was going through.
His back didn’t hurt carrying around a 9-lb baby, he didn’t have a C-section, he didn’t have to fumble and learn how to breastfeed, or deal with the engorged breasts that everyone neglected to warn me about.
He wasn’t up multiple times a night to feed the baby. He regularly got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He didn’t stand in the middle of the room crying every time he went to pull clothes on, because 90% of his pre-baby clothes didn’t fit.
If he held our daughter, she would quit crying. Instantly. If I held her, it would take 40 minutes of rocking, swaying, shushing, patting, singing to get her to simply whimper.
Even as we were trying to build our lives together and become one, it felt too much like we were living different lives. And I hated it.
I wrote about my resentment back in 2008, when the memories were still fresh. How did I put a stop to it? I began blogging. This blog right here? This gave me some other purpose than just changing diapers.
If you’ve been reading this post and feel like you’re still there, like you still have some resentment bubbling under the surface, here’s my one tip to you.
Get to the bottom of the resentment and take back whatever you feel is missing. I felt like my dreams of becoming a writer were slipping through my fingers. I began writing again. Regularly.
If you feel you never get out the house any more, call a friend and ask her to meet you at Starbucks. If you feel you never paint, or cook, or read books, or get all pretty, do that. Often. Make it a priority for you for the next couple weeks. Whatever you have to do to feel like your old self, do it.
Resentment is a slow poison that can cloud your judgment and make little issues catastrophic to your relationship.
Remember: identify the problem. Fix it. Quickly.
What say you – have you ever been full of resentment? How did you fix it?
Wow. I can relate and so can millions of other mothers. Resentment is such a terrible thing if not properly conquered.
Oh man, this is me right now. Thank you for posting this and how to get past it! You are so right, I have let my own passions go. I hardly write anymore because I feel like I always have better and more important things to do as a Mom or Wife. I should be folding laundry, cooking a meal, changing a diaper, playing a game with Savannah…the list never ends and I totally resent it! And my husband becomes the target for it as it bubbles up. I feel like he doesn’t get it and doesn’t see the need to help until I reach my breaking point (when the house gets TOO messy instead of helping me maintain it, when Jax has gotten up for the 10th time at night instead and he finally wakes up to notice…etc). I know he has similar feelings about his life, but we have yet to learn how to collide our worlds to help each other.
I don’t think I felt this after having Savannah because I still had school that was for ME and I had something to push towards so I felt like I wasn’t “just” a Mom, I was going to do big things. Plus, I had a lot of help from family. Now I feel stuck, even though I absolutely LOVE being a stay at home mom and I love my kids…I feel like that’s all I am. I’ve lost me…
I admit I resented my husband after our oldest was born. She was born on the last day of my second year in college (I missed class). I was unable to go back right away, and I still haven’t gone back to finish college and my daughter is almost 3 years old! I felt like a failure. I felt like I was worthless (when really I was the one constant thing in my infant daughter’s life and she NEEDED that). My husband was very understanding, though neither of us really knew it was resentment that I was feeling. He encouraged me to write poems and lullabies so I could keep my creativity alive. I didn’t resent him very long. After our second child was born 8 months ago there was no resentment at all. But there were financial issues we had to work on, which made enjoying my pregnancy difficult. We have never had a problem with sex or communication. Mostly finances and the jealous pings I get when I haven’t had a break in a few months.
You hit the nail right on the head with this one. I remember a time when I resented motherhood. Everything changed and my life was slipping away from me right before my eyes. And I looked at my friends, and they seemed to be living-it-up and having a ball with life. And I, I felt tied down to the responsibilities of motherhood. As soon as I changed that and started doing things for me again, the resentment went away. Just like that. And I’m a better mother because of it. Just like that.
I love motherhood and the fact that I’m about to embark on the journey for the second and final time. However, I do have resentment and frustration towards my husband. You’re so right. They don’t have the pains, the sickness and body changes. They get a break by leaving home for work and then they get the excuse of they need sleep when they get off from work.
However, I too am learning to create the opportunities I wanted before I became a mom. If anything motherhood has magnified those desires and visions and I’m more motivated than ever to just take a leap of faith or small step to being something other than mommy.
I use blogging to help myself deal with the resentment too. I think typing out what I feel puts things into perspective for me. I had two very complicated pregnancies, two painful c-section recoveries…all in 16 months. None of my clothes fit. I have stretch marks all over my stomach. I still get leg cramps 7 months post partum. I’m the one who gets up with our children all night. I’m the one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. He gets his 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He got to graduate college. Everything he does for the kids and around the house he has to be asked to do. But the point is that he does it, without complaining. He also works 6 days a week. He works overtime on his overtime shifts. All so our children can be with me all day, instead of in a daycare. And the mornings that he’s home, he gets up with the children so I can catch a few extra winks. When I see it in front of me like that…it helps me feel grateful rather than resentful.
So very true. Resentment is dangerous.
Thanks. I needed this. I have a 5 month old and an 8 year old, and I’m full of resentment lately. I’m the one who gets up every night with our son. I’m the one who does all of his laundry. I’m the one who plays with him all day, every day.
My boyfriend? He took a freaking 8.5 day cruise out of the country when our son was 4 weeks old. I’m still really, really angry about that, and I don’t know how to forgive him. I’m recovering from a c-section, and you’re on a cruise?! Are you kidding me?!
He does what he wants, when he wants. Me? I can barely sneak away for an hour to work (I’m a writer). I left for 2.5 hours the other day. He texted and called a bunch of times and asked when I was coming back. Apparently I was “gone all day”. Sigh.