It’s a question I used to ask myself all the time. Why did other mothers seem so much better at anticipating their kids’ needs? Keeping their cool when their little ones were throwing a tantrum? Why couldn’t I…?
It’s a dumb question. They’re all dumb questions.
We all fall into our groove in this motherhood thing at our own pace. It’s normal.
You know that warm feeling that’s supposed to wash over you when you first see your baby?
Didn’t happen for me.
Not with the first kid. Not with the second.
I kind of looked at them, in awe, like, “Wow, dang, I made him/her.” But the feeling definitely wasn’t love. It was curiosity…and fear.
So when I hear moms gush about how much they loved their babies from the first moment they laid eyes on them, yeah, it made me feel just a teeny bit inadequate.
When I cried out from sleep exhaustion and raw nipples and postpartum depression (common among young moms, by the way) in the first few months, I wanted relief. I wanted someone to watch my kids, for a day, a week, a month, until I could recover and feel like “me.”
So when I hear moms talk about how their babies were SUCH great sleepers and breastfeeding was easy and motherhood is the greatest thing to ever happen to them and they feel that way every day, well, it made me feel inadequate.
When I was working a full-time job because I thought it was the best way to provide financial security to my family, I secretly wished I was at home with my kids, spending much more than the two hours a day I got to see them before they went to bed. So the chorus stay-at-home moms seemed to sing (“Your kids need more love than money!”) made me feel…you got it, inadequate.
I’m four years in on this motherhood thing and I’ve finally stopped comparing my experiences. All I know is I’m being the best mother I know how to be (and I’m in graduate school to learn more). And I work HARD.
Being the best mother I know how to be? It takes work. I am not a nurturer by nature. I don’t get off on people calling my name 40 times a minute and having 43 different requests by the time I’ve got my eyes open fully in the morning. I’m a loner in the biggest sense of the word. But every day I serve as their mother, I get better.
So I write this to tell you: Stop comparing yourself to other mothers. You have your own set of circumstances that dictates why you do things the way you do. You know what matters most to you and your family. You are not inadequate. You are more than capable of being everything your family needs. Period.
I hear you loud and clear! Everyone thinks that motherhood should come naturally, but modern life doesn’t come naturally. I loved reading this post!
“Stop comparing yourself to other mothers.” – so true! I think we tend to compare ourselves with other mothers, especially when other ladies make us feel inadequate and tell us what we’re doing wrong. In fact, coincidentally, I was just reading a featured Yahoo Shine Article about the “10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever” which tackles these things.
The important thing is, as you said, to be the best mother you can be!
@Trisha – I read that article too (funny how the internet works…lol) and have heard those “tips” over and over again. They are right – they are annoying to no end!!! I hate when moms try to “correct” my parenting style or how I’m handling a certain situation, but I realize that most aren’t trying to be nosy-butts, they just can’t help themselves!
THANK YOU.
I am getting ready to celebrate my sixth year in the mommy club and I *still* have feelings of inadequacies on a daily basis. This post was right on time for me (especially after the morning mini-me and I had).
I’m usually a silent participant but just wanted you to know that I absolutely LOVE the blog!
@Elle – Thanks for the comment! I know I have a bunch of lurkers, but it’s nice to “meet” you!
Great post! So true!!! I also feel inadequate all the time about every little thing. I’m struggling to ignore it though!
@Jessi – Feeling inadequate used to be my specialty. “Why am I not used to waking up at 5 a.m. like other moms?” “Why do other moms look relaxed while with their kids at the grocery store?” “I bet other moms don’t have the same naptime battles I do…” and so on and so on. But I quit once I realized I was missing out on MY kids and THEIR feelings. I was too busy looking around at all the other moms that I missed the signs that my kids (despite my feelings of inadequacy) were thriving with me. I shouldn’t have worried. Jessi, I can tell just from your blog that you are a GREAT mom – don’t you ever doubt it!
Thanks for this post, Tara. This is why I forever will be a YML fan. Luv u!
@Jennice – Thank you! It is much appreciated. Someone ought to let you know that you are everything your babies need
Great post! You summed it up for every young mother to see. We are all doing the best we know how.
@Ms. Prince – I’m only speaking the words I wished I heard more often. I spent so much time comparing myself and wondering why I didn’t measure up to other people. But then one day, almost like magic, I realized that I didn’t need to impress anyone other than my kids. For me, that is enough. If my kids think I’m a great mom, who gives two cents about what other people think?
Thank you very much for writing this. This is exactly what I needed to hear after the week I’ve just had.
@Danielle – You’re very welcome! I know there’s been weeks where I wanted someone – ANYONE – to simply give me a hug and let me know that I wasn’t a bad mom, but that I was just a tired mom, or a mom with too much on her mind. We all need reassurance from time to time that this gig is HARD and we don’t need to compare ourselves to anyone else because we are the only ones who can do what we’re called to do.
I agree, I feel like I stumbled across this story at the right time
Amen to that. And to realise this is SUCH a weight off the shoulders…seriously. I am SO much more comfortable in young motherhood now than ever, and not because I am slightly more used to the idea, but because I realise that all Mum’s find it hard sometimes. Some Mum’s find it hard all the damn time…but what matters is that I do what I can, when I can. And that’s it.
I remember a while back you said something like ‘I’m doing the best I can do right now’ – more powerful words.
Keep them coming! : )
Glad to know there are other young mamas going to grad school. Amen to student loans!
YASS!!! I had those same feelings when my girl was born, so I certainly feel you. Each woman is different, so it would stand to reason they would all make different mothers. We need to cut ourselves and each other some slack.
My oldest is now 23. I felt the same way when she was born. It wasn’t love, but definitely a very protective instinct took over. So much so that I deferred to the experts for everything. I wouldn’t even change her diaper at the hospital back in the days when we stayed in for 4 days. Thanks for giving young mom’s the peace of mind to relax and be themselves. God didn’t go through all the trouble of making you and your child unique and then putting you together only to have you go and try to push your relationship into some kind of a mold. Be Blessed! ~ Jacki