by Carrie Nagy
I was separated and living on my own for two years before my divorce was legally binding.
I didn’t feel married anymore, so the court date seemed like more of a formality to me. But I really didn’t want to start dating again. The thought of it gave me anxiety.
I wasn’t scared of moving on – I just wasn’t looking forward to the rejection and games that come with dating.
After some time had passed, and with encouragement from my friends, I went on a couple of dates. It was exciting at first, but soon it became frustrating. Just when I thought I had had enough, I met my current boyfriend.
He was a true gentleman towards me, just a wonderful human being. After a while, the relationship progressed and so we decided to introduce our children.
I knew I would have to tell my ex-husband soon, as we were still legally married and he deserved my honesty. I wasn’t sure exactly how to tell him, so I put it off…for too long, as my four year-old daughter then told him.
I knew right away that I had screwed up. I apologized to my ex and admitted I was wrong. He was hurt that I hadn’t told him myself, but he handled it better than I thought he would.
As time passed, my divorce became final and my boyfriend and I moved in together. Life went on.
I’m extremely happy, but I still have this lingering feeling of guilt. I have moved on and am happy, but my ex has not.
I still love him, but we just weren’t good together. Now that all of the anger and hurt is gone, it’s sad to think about what we had and how things turned out. We had once planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m now doing that with someone else and my ex is still struggling to find himself.
I know it takes two people to keep a marriage going, and that it takes two to break it. We both played our parts. It’s hard to let go of the guilt and forgive myself, but I know that’s something that won’t happen over night.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting about the past. You get one shot at life, and we all deserve to be in happy, healthy relationships.
Carrie is an unorganized, single mom raising a very bossy 4-year old little girl in Cleveland, Ohio. She works full-time as a graphic designer at a brand strategy, design and technology firm. She loves social media, blogging, good food and dark beer. Follow her on Twitter @Carrie_Nagy.
I am separated as well and feel it was the best decision for my well-being & my kids. In terms of dating, I’m not pressed to rush into another relationship. However I remain hopeful there is someone out there who will love & respect me. My marriage was an extreme disappointment and to find out your spouse is cheating was a huge pill to swallow. My hope is my divorce is final soon so I can start my next chapter.
That was really good to hear, althugh I love my husband dearly, and it brings me to tears to write this, I just don’t know if we fit. We have been though alot of crazy together and changed the aspect of our relationship, on a daily basis I think about how things would be if I was with someone else that fit more of what im looking for now and not what I wanted 5+ years ago.
Don’t rush free2bmesoon. When it’s the right time, you’ll know. There are lots of good men out there. Take your time and don’t settle. Good lucky with your divorce. The process for me was way to long.
Stephanie, I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Marriage/relationships are hard work. Both people need to grow together to make it work. Only you know if you can stay in your relationship. Don’t think about how life would be with someone else. You don’t need a boyfriend/husband to make you happy. You need to be happy with you before you can be in a healthy relationship. (that took me a long time to learn)
Real honest here – Its sounds to me like you are still deeply in love with him (your ex) and that you care about him still. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and persistence…and if you have to leave that and pursue someone who is still struggling to find himself, then I am not sure where your current relationship is headed. I hope you find peace within you. It seems to me like you were the one who caved out of the marriage…..its probably why you feel guilty and why your ex has still not moved on. Wishing you the best.
Blessing
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I do still love him and always will because he is my daughters father. Our relationship was over a long time ago. I still want and wish the best for him. I left because the relationship was not healthy. I am in a very wonderful and a happy relationship now.
The last part was written wrong, my current boyfriend is not struggling to find himself, my x is.
.-= Carrie Nagy´s last blog ..Guest post- When moving on is for the best =-.
Ok I am another honest responder, I think is understandable why you feel guilty, you were wrong. And that mess about everybody deserving happy relationships in this one life seems to be your way of justifying how wrong you were (to make yourself feel better). One of the 1st things you never do in marriage is listen to your friends. Oh and look at it like this you didn’t mind making marriage legal so why is it that you would think it is okay to go off “i didn’t feel married” to end the divorce with an affair? you could have at least finalized the divorce 1st before starting a juvenile “he make me feel good relationship”. You broke up your family and your marriage because of selfishness, maybe if you werent concentrated on dating you could have been in the process of healing broken hearts in your family. But all you have right now is what you chosen, so….
@VJ – So please tell us how you REALLY feel? Don’t hold back…
When I asked people to submit guest posts for this week, I wanted them to be honest. Open, really, about the issues they’ve faced in their lives and how it could relate to a mom who needed to read something like that at this particular moment. I don’t want to shame people who took the time to write a guest post, a guest post that I edited and pushed live.
No, the divorce was not finalized before she got back in the dating scene. But if a divorce takes two years to be granted, and is full steam ahead and there is no chance at reconciliation? Two years?
I don’t think we can speak on what Carrie did, or did not do, to gain healing and acceptance during this time, including how she supported her daughter.
I try my best to make this blog a “Judgment Free” zone, unless the poster specifically asked for it. I appreciate your comments (you keep it real!) but let’s just try to keep it civil. Thanks!!
Great post and I can actually relate to a few things. However, I am wondering why it took two years for your divorce to be finalized?
.-= Erica´s last blog ..I know I’m late but- from now on- I’m posting every day in 2011! =-.
Whoa @ the VJ comment…This little snippet of a story doesn’t explain in full detail what went down with them. If she grew out of the marriage then why force yourself to make it work. We get one chance at life and if she felt that this wasn’t the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, then so be it. This shouldnt be a bashing forum, we should be supporting each other for not staying in a marriage or relationship just because a child is involved. If you arent happy it will show and prob. do more damage than good for the child. Two years of no dating…, I believe her friends were just encouraging her to get back in the game and nothing is wrong with that.
Sorry, I honestly am. I did not mean to bash or judge anyone we all make mistakes. I just thought this was a place where young mothers could express themselves. I was just being open and honest. I just am a marriage counselor with a strong passion for families to stay together. And it frustrates me how selfish and blind people have become. I would hate for someone to read this blog and think it is okay to leave or start new relationships while married (separation does not mean divorce). I guess when people say better or “worse” the really just want the better end of everything. Love is not a feeling! It is an action word. Divorces are so common because people don’t understand what love really is.
@VJ – No apologies necessary. We all have our different opinions and can feel free to express them. I just ask that everyone be respectful.