Whenever I go out to a restaurant, I see hoards of moms with their kids. Sometimes they will be with another mom (friend or family member) and her kids. Groups and groups of women with children – with no men in sight.
As I watch them, I often wonder what the fathers are doing. Are they involved in their kids’ lives? Are they just at home, resting after a long week at work? Are they playing poker with the guys?
But more than likely, I know what they’re doing. They’re out living their lives, unconcerned with what meal their kid is going to eat or who’s going to wash their clothes when they inevitably spill spaghetti sauce on it.
How did this happen? When did become acceptable for men to be a sometime Daddy or all too often, a no-time Daddy? How can we, as women, change this?
I know it doesn’t always work out. I know relationships can be difficult. Sometimes the person you fall in love with becomes someone you can’t stand.
But I’m talking about those people who have sex carelessly. Who see someone who excites their bodies before they even can guess how much they stimulate their brain.
When you lay down with someone, assume you will get pregnant. Would you want to have kids with him? If you don’t know yet, don’t have sex with him. If you decide the answer is “No,” then DO NOT have sex with him.
Making babies without the security of a two-parent relationship (married or otherwise) creates diffcult circumstances for all involved. It’s not fair to the mother, who inevitably has to shoulder the burden of childrearing, a job that’s made for two people. It’s not fair to the child, who wonders what they did to make their dad leave or how could they possibly be so unlovable. But guess what? It’s also not fair to the father, who is missing out on one of the greatest joys in life – being a dad.
There’s a reason why it takes two people to create a child – because it takes two people to raise one. I’m sorry – there is no reason why so many single mothers should be forced to do everything. No good reason. Yes, I know there are a lot of single mothers who view their status as empowering. What others achieve with two people, she does by herself and there’s a sense of accomplishment there.
But I ask, doesn’t the mother deserve a break? Doesn’t she deserve to sleep in on Saturdays or relax while the child’s father takes the kids to the park? Getting back to the beginning of the post, doesn’t she deserve to eat her food at a leisurely pace while the dad cuts up the little one’s food?
So many of my single mom friends are just plain exhausted. They are tired. Their moods go up and down like their bank account balances. I tip my hat to them for tackling EVERYTHING related to their kids by themselves – but it isn’t fair. Again, I say, they shouldn’t have to.
The biggest question of all: How are we supposed to EXPECT even AVERAGE parenting when a single person is relegated to a 24/7/365 job with little-to-no encouragement or celebration?
I’m writing this on behalf of a movement. No Wedding, No Womb is a movement to embrace two-parent families. Is it a push for everyone to get married? No. But it is a push to get everyone on the same page and that page states that the mother and father must be “married” to the idea that they need to work together to provide the most secure, loving environment for that child to thrive.
Check out the website at www.noweddingnowomb.com to join the movement. Let’s get more dads at the table.
Funny you write a post with such a title b/c I started one last night with the smae title (now that I’m a newly single mom).
Thing is, people don’t always think “I may not want to have a baby with this guys so let me not sleep with him” in the heat of making out and foreplay. Sometimes they do, but often that’s not the case. I’m not saying it’s okay or defending it; I think babies are blessings no matter what the circumstances are. But people are humans. And people make mistakes. And sometimes prince charming isn’t so charming after the baby comes or during the pregnancy or whenever. And that’s when a[nother] single mom is born.
Ideal situation? No. Unfair for everyone involved? Absolutely. But I love that single parents can take a less-than-ideal situation and turn it into something awesome. They have too!
My “issue” (if you can even call it that) with this whole thing is that single moms who were once married or who are widowed are looked upon much more favorably than single mothers who were never married. As if those who were never married slept around with any ol’ guy and had tons of kids. Not [always] the case. I was never married, but cohabitated with my son’s dad and went through a lot before I decided to “break up” the family. It got to the point where being a single mom was *easier* than being with him. So I took a stand for sanity… for my life and my son’s life. And you know what, that IS empowering.
So to answer your question (and Aiden’s question since he’s been asking me that a lot lately), I think when it doesn’t work out between two people, the next best thing is co-parenting to the best of your ability. That way two parents CAN be “married” to the idea of raising their child[ren] together, but not necessarily be together. B/c yes, it IS a two-person job.
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@Alicia – I realize people make mistakes. And life happens. But it’s time that we started to be more PROACTIVE instead of reactive. I am the LAST person to say that I’m perfect and I’ve never made a mistake. ‘Cause I’ve got a list about a mile-long of things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have.
My whole point is that Dads NEED to be involved in their child’s life, except for cases of abuse (drug, physical, mental, etc) As long as the kid is safe in their father’s presence, the Dad needs to have a role in that kid’s life.
Single moms often do what they have to do to make it work because they have no choice. It’s all on them. But it shouldn’t be all on them. They did not create their kids by themselves. I applaud the single mothers who make it work, but it is simply not fair to the moms. I’m arguing for paternal responsibility – where are the dads to do their fair share?
I do agree that divorced or widowed moms (and I might not even throw widowed moms in there because that situation is not a choice) are looked upon more favorably. I haven’t done the research, but perhaps it goes back to the assumption that the dad is still involved in the kids’ life if he was at one point married to their mother?
Interesting post! But also, if girls are looking for casual “hookups”, where is the birth control?
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I think no matter how far women have come, we still are the main caregivers….As much as I’d like to think my husband is going to be helpful I know he will just fall short. Men don’t have that instinct to put others before themselves like women do, and that’s what it takes to be a mom (or at least I think so since I’m not one yet) I think it’s just recently that men even helped! I know my dad never even changed my diaper and he was/is the best dad in the world lol. Of course there are exceptions..but I think mostly, it is left to the woman…I’m not sure if and/or when that will change..
I applaud you and the other bloggers who wrote today in support to this movement. There is no question that children do better in a 2 parent environment, and we all have to do our part to support the family dynamic.
I’m very glad that my child’s father is a very hands on dad. He doesn’t have that belief that a mother is the main caretaker of a child. He’s constantly by my side & always telling me that we’re in this together because I didn’t make the baby myself so I shouldn’t have to take care of the baby by myself. He really is one in a million.
This is an article I read in Today’s Parent Magazine. I feel like it may be a good reply to your post, Tara.
Often times, it’s just the maternal instinct to take over when we see that Dad might be handling a situation differently than we would. From the day baby is born, Mothers have that maternal instinct where they know how to cradle the baby properly to comfort it, or feed the baby a certain way, or even change the diaper a certain way. When Dad steps in and tries these things, it is more of an effort for him. The natural instinct isn’t there and, as mothers, we may unconsciously push Dad out of the way to handle the situation our way.
Over time, if this keeps happening, the result will ultimately be the exact situation you have described; Mom is out with the kids, while Dad is left doing his own thing because Mom doesn’t necessarily trust leaving the kids alone with him for the afternoon while SHE goes out to do her own thing. But whose fault is that? In many cases, Mom has pushed Dad out of the way so many times, that he no longer even feels needed.
The article talks about co-parenting as well, saying that we, as moms, must ALLOW for co-parenting. Dad may take care of baby a little differently than we would, but at least he’s trying, he’s making an effort. We need to step back and let him learn the things that seem to come so naturally to us. That way, he will constantly keep trying to be involved, he won’t feel neglected, and co-parenting will work much easier.
Obviously this is not the case for every absent Dad, but I thought it may give way for another perspective on why Dad may not be in the picture as often as Mom is.
I was sure I would be with him forever. There was nothing casual about it.There was a ring, a promise, a home we shared waiting for our little bundle of joy. And then my infant son and I were the victims of domestic abuse, and we left. It hurts that he won’t have his father living with him caring for him, but I’d rather him not have that kind of person in his life. I know how it feels, my father abandoned me when I was 3. I wish more than anything that I had my happy ending, that my son’s father had done everything he promised to me, to my son, to my family. He just couldn’t.
And I just couldn’t stay.
@Alexandra – Kudos to you for getting out of that situation. Domestic abuse is serious and should never be tolerated. Have you gotten any counseling since leaving? Sometimes speaking with an objective person can help. Regardless, best wishes to you and your son and may you both continue to heal….
What a great blog you’ve got going on here!! And I’ve often asked myself that same question. In our family everyone knows the answer to be “dad’s at work”. My 21 month old even knows how to sign it!
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