Today’s question is about moving on and finding joy in the present:
“Traci” writes:
It has been 3 years since I had my son and I still find it difficult to accept him for him. Once he gets into trouble and I scold him, I take my aggressions of his father leaving me on him.
The beginning of the end started with him abusing me when I was pregnant. Then he started cheating, and I guess he got the guts to just leave and be with her. So this was 3 years ago. He left when my son was 5 months old. It still hurts a lot. I gave him every part of me.
My current boyfriend is upset because he says I’m still thinking about the past and taking it out on him and my son. He says that I need to shape up or I will lose out on a good thing. He is a great guy. I don’t want to lose him. I’m scared to make myself vulnerable again. I feel so lost.
What can I do to control this, and to build a better bond with my son before it is too late?
As I told Traci in my e-mail to her, it’s wonderful that she was able to reach out and ask for help. We’re all so stressed and in our own worlds that sometimes we need to step out of our situation and ask others for advice. Keep reading for my advice and chime in, mamas with your advice in the comments below:
Can I tell you a quick story first? When I first got together with my husband, I was about three days out of an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I was in my dorm room with my new boyfriend, and my ex-boyfriend was on the phone, yelling and calling me a bitch, refusing to believe our relationship was over.
I fully expected my husband to get up and walk out the room, because who wants to deal with that type of drama? Instead, I came home from class the next day to a bouquet of flowers, with a note that said I was someone special and worth loving. I haven’t given my ex a bit of thought since.
This is why you need to move forward. To reach for happier moments, to realize your true-self worth and to grow into a capable, strong, loving woman, free of emotional baggage.
From what you’re telling me, it sounds like it’s a good thing that he left. Now, I know it’s hard to see it as a plus – you gave him everything and he had the nerve to do you like that?! I feel your pain. But abusive and infidelity are no joke, as both endanger your health and peace of mind, two things you need to guard fiercely once you become a mom.
So he left you for someone else? Good – now he’s her headache, not yours. You deserve much more than the physical and emotional pain of abuse. You deserve more than waiting up at night, checking his cell phone, wondering who he’s cheating with this time or if he’ll get upset if you insist he wear a condom. You deserve so much more than he is able to give you. Period.
You have to be able to look your son in the eyes and see him for his own person, not the little version of your ex. Since your son is a product of a relationship you’d rather forget but can never fully erase from your memory, you’ve got to come to terms with your anger toward your son before it’s too late.
So how’d I do, ladies? What do you want to say to Traci? How can she get over the pain her ex caused and be a better mom to her son?
Tara, I think your response to Traci was perfect. You’re always so caring and you’re so approachable – at least, I always feel like you and I relate to each other, and in your response to Traci you showed her how exactly you relate with her situation.
To Traci – I can’t say that I understand or can relate to taking out my single status on my son, because I have always turned my guilt and misery inwards toward myself and pretty much stuck myself in solitary confinement. I put all my energy and life into my little boy, and I shied away from friends and possible relationships. I’ll give you a little background so this makes more sense:
I was happily engaged for about 4 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was almost 18 years old. My relationship wasn’t a good one…he wasn’t a good guy, and I’ll leave it at that. I stuck it out, held onto him tight because I loved him more than anything and I couldn’t imagine a day without him. Then my son was born 4 months premature. My whole world changed. Suddenly, instead of my fiancee being the center of my world, it was my son, and my son was very close to death. It didn’t really seem to phase my fiancee, and as time went by more and more things went wrong and he refused to change his lifestyle to make things safe and healthy for our son. I kicked him out of my house when our son was almost 2 months old, and my little boy was still in the hospital in critical condition.
I spent all my time and energy pouring it into my son, and did everything I possibly could to ensure he survived and had the best life possible. My life was no longer about me and what I loved. My life was for my little boy, and it didn’t matter that I still loved his father. His father was no good for either of us, and I had to do what was right, even if it hurt. It hurt me for a very long time. I’m ashamed to admit how long it took me to finally get over him, and be happy with who I am as a person, not as half of a couple.
I shied away from the possibility of another relationship because I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready for anything like that. My heart was still broken, and it wasn’t fair of me to try to forge a connection with someone else that I couldn’t be 100% involved with. I spent a long time coming to terms with what has happened, and knowing that I did what was best. It took years, but I am finally at the point where my son’s father is nothing to me – I don’t love him anymore, and I don’t hate him anymore. Thinking about him doesn’t make me miserable anymore. It doesn’t make me angry. I accept it for what it was and I know I made the right decision, and it shows in the wonderful life I have built for my son and I.
It sounds to me that your heart is still broken. And everyone deserves time after suffering a broken heart to take however long you need for your heart to heal. Because I promise, it will heal. It seems like it takes forever, and every time you turn around you have a new emotion to deal with. It sucks, and you tell yourself it was never supposed to be this way, but it is. And you have to take what you’ve got and let it run its course, because once it does you will be a better, stronger person.
Maybe it would be helpful to pick up a new hobby, channel some strength and energy and frustration into something. My escape is reading. I read for hours after my little boy goes to sleep, and I get lost into a story and for awhile, I don’t have to think about my life or what went wrong, I have my own personal escape when I need it. Maybe you need one too.
If you want to talk, I’m here. I don’t know if I’ve helped at all, but know that I understand a bit of your situation, and I’m always here as a support person and friend.
I think you did great Tara. I am glad that Traci decided to share her story with you, and with all of us.
I’d like to further reiterate to Traci that she is not alone in her situation. From one mother who was left to care for a child alone to another, I feel your pain. Its not easy when a relationship ends, especially when you have such deep feelings for a person, and/or when there is a child involved. But Tara is right, when the relationship is hurting you and/or your child, its the best thing for you when it ends.
For a little bit of my own story, I understand what its like to harbor certain emotions and feelings toward your child, stemming from treatment from their father. When my daughter was an infant, her dad raped me. It was an event that truly changed me. It was over 6 years ago, and I am still recovering from the emotional and mental scares of having something taken from me from someone that I loved. I broke ties with him after the rape for obvious reasons, but he in turn broke ties with our daughter. Wanting nothing to do with her for 2 or 3 years. My daughter grew into the spitting image of her dad. I mean, the girl looks just like him, and there were days when I didn’t even want her to touch me. Her hands were his hands, in my mind. I’d reject her. I’d get angry and be hateful toward her. I was traumatized. Its sounds like you might be too.
I don’t know if you’ve ever considered it, but talking with a therapist might be extremely helpful to you. It was for me, in terms of building a better relationship with my daughter. As Tara said, it helped me to see her as being her own little person, and not her dad. There is no mistaking that now. She’s 7 and has a personality to die for =). Its great that you have someone by your side to support you through this time. I am sure that he would continue to support you as you work on recovering from the treatment that your ex gave you.
I wish you all the best Traci.
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..At a Crossroads =-.