I was reading this article in New York magazine, “All Joy and No Fun,” about the drugdery of parenting.
One paragraph stood out: Those who delay parenthood – to build a career, to save money, to travel and enjoy their twenties and early thirties without being tied down by a family – were much more unhappy once they finally became parents, because they knew exactly what they were giving up by having children.
Hmmm. Never thought of it from that angle.
But you know what? I still know what I gave up by having kids, just not as concretely.
I can bet I would be getting more sleep, I’d be buying more clothes, I’d be tasting my dinners instead of inhaling it between requests from the kids, I could watch rated R movies without having to leap for the remote when my two-year-old toddles into the room.
I would run the dishwasher less often. I could leave my package of Oreos on the counter instead of hiding them in the cabinet. I could have kept driving my old-beat up car and saved $300 a month on a new car payment. In fact, I could be saving the $1,200 we pay each month for daycare. We could have had three houses by now.
I would be more energetic. I might even be exercising more. I’d be writing more and reading more and sitting down with my feet up more.
I could keep going forever and ever. This post could be a mile long. But you get the gist.
For a lot of moms, thinking about what their lives could have been like is pointless, or worse, makes them feel like they don’t really love their kids.
I love my kids to pieces but I do realize how vastly different my life would be if they weren’t here. And that’s OKAY. I’ve made plenty of sacrifices in order to be a better mom. Is anything more important than my kids? Nope. So I’m good.
Do you think about the things you’ve given up since becoming a mom? Do you ever feel resentful? Be honest – no one’s judging you!
This is so funny cause I’m away from my husband right now in my hometown. I went to the grocery store to buy a steak for myself and it made me think how different things would be if it were just me. I’ve never only grocery shopped for myself! By the way I’m a mother of two.
I am a 38 year old attorney who recently adopted a baby girl. Given that many of my friends and I waited until our late 30s to become mothers, I honestly can tell you that it is not a bad idea to have your children in your 20s. I love being a mom now, and I love that I had an opportunity to have a great career and travel alot. However, there are alot of advantages to having your children at an earlier age too. I would advise 20-something year old career women who want children to “remember to have children”…sometimes we become so busy with our careers, our clothes, our travels, and our parties that we actually forget that time is flying by…next thing you know, you’re 35 or 38 or 40…and then, it’s like “Oh goodness, I don’t have forever to do this…I better get started.” Children are a blessing, but having them sometimes is harder when you’re older.
I’m 25 and pregnant with my first. I’m the first person among my friends to have a baby, and I know what freedoms I’m giving up. I do think it will be hard to watch my friends travelling when and where they want, getting further ahead in their careers, staying out late, and just plain not having to worry about a tiny person all the time. Of course it’s worth it — I’m so excited about this baby! But I do sometimes feel a little sad and frustrated when I think about the things I won’t get to enjoy again (or at least not for a very long time).
.-= Betty´s last blog ..9w4d- Fooooood om nom nom =-.
I can honestly say I don’t think about that, because my life has gotten much better since getting married and having kids. (Then again, I did it at 29, which is kind of that in-between age). I was just finishing grad school and hadn’t yet had the opportunity to do a lot, as far as traveling and stuff. But my dream had always been to get married/have babies, so for me that was my “end all-be all.” However, I’d be willing to bet that, as much as he loves his son, my DH would be more inclined to side with those mid-30-something folks who had the “taste” of the freedom and excitement that bachelor life brings. He was 35 when it all happened, so he definitely had to do some adjusting to his life and his mentality. So I think, if anyone, he feels more “what ifs” than me.
.-= Yakini´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
I had our daughter when I was 22 (very nearly 23). I feel like a young Mum, but that is only because my closest friends are not Mums. They are the women that erika described – still doing things like buying clothes, staying out late and living care-free lives. I do feel very aware of what I am missing, but by the same token, now that I have Mum-friends, (most of whom are older than me) I also see how they too feel disadvantaged by having waited so long to start a family. I know so many women in their mid-late thirties (and older) who have been so focused on their careers that they actually forgot to have children – seriously! I feel for them. Even though unplanned pregnancies whilst you’re young can be hard to deal with, wanting to have a family and not being able to is such a heartbreaking experience.
.-= Mrs O´s last blog ..The God-Father =-.
Having my son when I was 20 was the best thing that ever happened to me! If he didn’t come along, God only knows where I’d be if he hadn’t come along. He was (and still is) my motivation to do well in life.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..My First Ever Wordless Wednesday Post =-.
being as i become a mom at 20, yes i do think of the things i gave up. do i regret it? not at all!! and for sure no resentment towards my children. i love the life we have made.
.-= Hanan´s last blog ..Almost Wordless Wednesday =-.
I miss getting to sleep late, if at all. Trust me, I was a Sleeper. Sometimes, I resent nothing being able to do lunches with the girls, exercise at the drop of a hat or being able to fit into my skinny jean (tears forming). But all that goes away when I look at my 6 month-old and step-children and see how they make me happy and how I make them happy. My kids are nuts!! The sleepless nights and baby-momma drama are pushed to the back of my mind.
I tend to agree with Erika. I love hanging out over here, but I’m not exactly a “young mommy”. *lol* I’m 34, with an 18 month old and yes, I am very aware of the current sacrifices. I’m overjoyed to finally be blessed with my son, however, my husband and I had gotten to a very comfortable, childless place before he arrived. He’s thrown things into a tailspin (as he’s supposed to!). When I’ve got a 8am flight for a business trip, no one cares that my son’s canine teeth are coming in. I don’t bounce back from sleepless nights the way that my 24 year old niece does.
I think that having children at any age is an adjustment to your life, but there are distinct differences based on the age of the mother. The challenges are present for us all, but I definitely understand the overall point that the author was trying to make.
.-= MrsTDJ´s last blog ..Ya’ll Gon’ Make Me Lose My Mind =-.
I think any young parent can admit the fact that they at least occasionally think about what they can’t do now that they have a child to care for – impromptu lunch dates with friends (we’ve already had the resturant discussion), parties (for the partying type – not so much me, but others I’m sure), sleeping in (come on, I know I’m not the only one who misses sleep), eating potato chips for dinner without a “mommy! why do I have to eat this and you get chips?!” (is it just me who likes random snacks for dinner?), or the ability to take any job or persue any college without the added stress and strain of finding acceptable child care and a way to pay for it.
BUT, with all that said, even though we all know what we are giving up in order to raise our children, we don’t dwell on those facts. At least, I don’t. And I know many friends of mine who don’t dwell on those things either. Sure, there are those days of defeat and exhaustion and desperation and you just want to clean the bathroom without any interruptions, but most days are wonderful days, full of laughter, sticky kisses, and playtime. And with so much extra love in your life, those other things just don’t matter.
For me, its about all the wonderful changes that have come into my life since my son was born. He’s my incredible little miracle baby and he’s filled my life with so much love and joy, the other things just can’t even compare. He is wonderful and I couldn’t imagine my life without him – life without him just simply wouldn’t be worth living. I’m not saying every single day is all roses and sunshine. Cause its not. Being not only a young mom, but a single mom of a special needs child has its own set of unique challenges and moments of I-want-to-rip-my-hair-out. There are days where he is just so unhappy that he cries and screams all day, and nothing I can do can make it better (generally, those days come in 3’s – 3 miserable days and then some happy days) and I just don’t know what to do for him or how to make it better. But for those miserable days, there are so many more wonderful days of smiles, laughs, singing songs, and cuddling that make everything so worth it. Being a mom has been my most important and most rewarding job that I’ve ever had, and I’m so grateful for the chance to experience this, even if I have had to give up some experiences. It is all worth it, and I couldn’t imagine my life being anything other than what it is. My little boy is wonderful, and I am blessed to be in his life.
I do sometimes think about my life before children. My husband and I were having a blast – exactly 6 years ago today I was on the beach in Spain, probably talking about our next vacation, for crying out loud! Having kids is definitely a game changer, especially having a special needs child. This past week my heart baby was very ill, and I would not wish that kind of worry on my worst enemy. It is impossible not to look back and reminisce about the easy times. But even with all that we have been thru, I still look at our having children as the bestest time ever. I like that I am more purposeful now. I like having to see the bigger picture more. I like the cocoon-ness of our little family unit. I LOVE my children. Would I like a week in Banyuls sur mer (there is a fabulous spa there, please ladies go there)? Absolutely.
For me, it was DEFINITELY an adjustment when I became pregnant and had my son. I was just out of college, living in NYC, and felt like I was just beginning to enjoy life as a single gal. When I was pregnant, I resented the fact that I was going to have a baby so young and a lot of that caused me NOT to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have.
Interestingly though, I loved my unborn son and did everything “by the books” when it came to doctors appts, eating, exercising, birthing classes, and reading all the birthing books. But I still resented it because I got a little taste of what I was giving up.
I am happier now that I have my son and found my niche as a mommy. Do I make sacrifices for him to live well, go to a good day care, enjoying extracurricular activities like Gymboree, playdates, and swimming? YES!!! I could be out somewhere shopping… for shoes! But that’s okay. Seeing him smile makes it all worth it.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..2 1-2 Years Later and =-.
I used to feel resentful about the things I’ve given up to become a mom at a young age. Lately, I feel more grateful than anything. I feel like although I’ve given up alot, I am so proud of myself beause despite having two children, I’m doing more with my life than some people who have no children at all. Sure, I can’t go to the club. (Not that I ever really did like to go.) I can’t even take a vacation without planning months ahead, but my family adds so much extra to my life.
There are a few cool things that I can no longer do as a mom, but there are also alot of things that I’d be missing out on if I didn’t have children. I wasn’t always able to see that in the begining, though.
do i think about the things i gave up? absolutely. am i resentful about them? sometimes…but thats only because i did not sign up for the family set-up that has evolved in my life. i always say that before birthing all of them, i never in a trillion years imagined my life with kids…but now that they’re here, cant imagine my life without them.
I think I would be considered a young mom. I have four boys ages: 14, 10, 6, and 2 and I will be 30 in two weeks. Honestly, when I had my oldest son at 15, I don’t think I even took time out to consider everything that I would be giving up. It was just time to grow up and become a responsible adult and parent. I feel as if I have been a mother my entire life but my children and my husband are something that I wouldn’t give up for anything in the entire world. Yes, there are days when I am exhausted and could use a few more hours of sleep, when I could be exercising but instead are running errands or attending school functions but in the end, its all worth it.
theres a sign i pass by downtown every once and awhile and it says, “Who’s Looking Out For Mom?” It has become a family joke, I usually point to it and say, “exactly” Women are the backbone of the family and community, why we are still struggling with equality is beyond me.There IS a difference between selfishness and self care. Going to school to better yourself for the future is valuable. It’s time we recognized our value and countless contributions. Hang tough!
@Erykah – I was reading an article that said, if we take care of mothers as a society, the rest of the family will follow and our communities will be richer for it. So I’m starting. Taking time for me is a MUST and I’m not making excuses any more!