When I was pregnant with my daughter, my boyfriend’s sister used to call me “his baby mama” despite the fact that we were engaged and living together. I would cringe every single time – is that how she saw me?
I guess my real beef came from my perception of the term. To me, “baby mama” was someone who had a kid with someone else, but there was no real relationship between the two and there never had been. There’s a reason “baby mama” rhymes with “drama.”
So when Alexandra over at Mommy Glow wrote a post grappling with her role as a single mom, I was drawn in:
I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes.
And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.
I wrote in the comments that I did think there was a difference between a single mom and a “baby mama,” but maybe I’m wrong. What do you think? Is there a difference? What do you call moms who have primary custody but their child’s father is very involved in their lives?
I do think there is a difference between a baby mama and a single mother. For one I think using the term baby mama goes hand in hand with the person’s education level or youthfulness. You don’t see grown women at least not ones with some type of education walking around calling themselves someone’s baby mama (at least I hope not). Also when I think of a baby mama I always get the image of someone on those talk shows like Maury testing a bunch of guys trying to figure out who fathered her child or children because she wasn’t in a real committed relationship with anyone. Another thing is it seems like people think black mothers and the term baby momma are synonymous. You don’t really hear a lot of people referring to white women as baby mamas they are usually referred to as single mothers if the father isn’t present or they are not together anymore.
I am a young African American female with no children. My boyfriend is white and so is his baby momma. She’s the epitome of the negativity associated with the term baby momma. I intentionally use baby momma to identify her.
I’ve never really thought about the definition of a “baby mama”. Really, I just assumed it was another way to describe any mother. You know, certain peer groups and demographics have certain ways of describing things, give certain people pet names, like for instance my southern step grandma would call her granddaughters “sis”. That was just her pet name for us. I just assumed that “baby mama” was a case sort of like that.
But, if “baby mama” is actually a negative term for a single mother, I don’t really understand, I guess. If it had to be a negative term, I would imagine it to be describing of a woman who goes out and gets pregnant by multiple men without knowing them or having much of a relationship with them. Someone who leeches off other people. That would be my idea, if it is a negative term.
But there are so many types of mothers out there, it would take all day long to label them all. And honestly, I resent anyone who says that all single mothers are no good. What about single mothers like me, who were engaged to their partner at the time the pregnancy occurred, who tried everything possible to make it work with the father. A father who wouldn’t quit using drugs or keep a job, someone who habitually lied and every day you’re world was turned upside down. My OBGYN actually believes that the early birth of my son was due to the massive amounts of stress I was under because of my son’s father. So what about situations like that, where the mom does everything in her power to keep the relationship going and all she does is get stepped on and beaten down every day. Should she really stay in that relationship, just because a child was born? Is it right to bring a child up in that kind of environment? I sure don’t think so. My son deserves better. And I’ve given him much, much better, all on my own.
When it comes down to it, I don’t care what other people think of my being a single mother so young. I know that I’m a good mother, I know my little boy is happy and I’m doing everything I can possibly do for him. And that is good enough for me. I don’t need the approval of other people. Know what I mean?
@Katie – I love your comments, the way you write from your heart. God, if I could just scoop up all the comments from my blog and edit them, I could have a book all on its own.
@Tara – Aww, thanks
Theres just something about you’re blog that makes me want to dig deep and be reflective. I don’t really look at it as a blog, its more of a second home to me. Somewhere that is uplifting, presents challenges, makes me think honestly about situations, and gives me a boost, really. I don’t know what I did before I found you. 
@Katie – Girl, do you know how much you make MY day? Oh man, I definitely gotta make a trip to come see you. I’m trying to take the kids to Chicago this summer (pray for me) – if we come up, I’m making a stop to see you and your little one!
@Tara – Good luck planning the trip to Chicago, I hope it happens for you! And I’m SO excited to see you, when it happens. It’ll definitely happen one day, hopefully sooner than later
Thanks for including some of my blog on your page, it means alot coming from such an established blogger/writer!! Many thanks! I’ve gotten alot of feedback on the post from women who also don’t like the label babys mama, but once again its all about our perception of ourselves and how we choose to carry ourselves and what kind of women we choose to be. If we choose to carry ourselves with dignity and respect and confidence than my assumption is that people wont categorize us as baby’s mama. For me the most important thing I had to learn was who I was. For a long time I was very unsure of who I was, what my worth was, and my place in this cold world, lol. Through love through heartache through life I now know who I am, which makes it easier to dismiss all these labels.
@Alexandra – I’m using your comment in the book, I swear I am. You just don’t understand how your words could change someone’s life. I’m so excited to have great readers/blogger friends like you. This is awesome!
God, I hate that term with a passion. But yes, I do see the two terms as different. Obviously, “single mom” sounds way more respectable than “baby mama.”
Mind you, these are gross sterotypes I’m about to describe, but… here are the first thoughts that come to mind when I think of the terms “single mom” vs. “baby mama”:
The former I see as a (usually) professional and/or educated woman who was likely in a relationship with child’s father that didn’t work out…. perhaps they were married and then divorced, or just in a long-term relationship and eventually went their separate ways. Dad is likely involved in child’s life, financially as well as emotionally, and mom and dad usually have a good, respectable working relationship/friendship, with regards to dealing with the kid(s). Ie, after my mom got divorced she was a “single mother” raising 4 kids.
A “single mom” could also be a mature, once again educated/professional woman who is of a certain age and chose to take on the role of motherhood on her own, without a spouse. Perhaps she went the artificial insemination route, or maybe she had an arrangement with a male friend. Either way, she’s weighed all the pros and cons and has decided to enter into single motherhood well aware of all that it entails. For me, no negative judgments there either.
However, when I hear “baby mama” it evokes images of a chick who was a jump-off or possibly even one-night-stand… who accidentally (or on purpose) got “knocked up,” and now the dude just has to “deal with her” because she’s stuck in his life. I hate the term because it just feels very negative and ghetto and just….. undesirable to me. And sadly, I think folks use the terms way too often and, although they might not mean it in a negative way…. this is how I perceive it.
You must consider the source. I would never call anyone a baby mama.Ghetto people or people meaning to belittle others tend to call women baby mamas.
ShalenaD.I.V.A
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LOL Baby Mama- B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A This GOES OUT to ALL MY BABY MAMA’s This Goes Out to ALL My Baby Mama’s. Ladies remember Fantasia’s song BABY MAMA? I can’t stand the term nor did I like Fantasia’s song but when you really listen to the message she’s uplifting all the Single Mothers!!! Which is a cultural thing for years the Black/African American culture have taken derogatory statements and made them into empowering ones.
Well, I think that a ‘baby mama’ is most often used in a relationship where either a) daddy loves the kids but dislikes the mother, or b) daddy is not usually around to spend time with the kids AND the mother is almost as much of an abentee parent I believe that men who hold the mother of their children in high regards won’t simply give her the “baby mama” status.
I’m sorry, but the term “baby mama” is so hood, and even people who don’t fit the description will sometimes use the term.
Baby mama is the term that baby daddies call the mother of their children. Normally the kettle does call the pot black. I think others have made it a popular term and “glamorized” the sterotype. I do like Fantasia’s song and when I need a little inspiration, I put it on, however, I can be classified as a single mother but am introduced to people as the “mother of his children.”
ROFL-im *DEAD* at the fantasia reference, ha ha. i wish they never released that song. what an abomination. regardless of the message, it just sounded…horrid (consider the source…overly tatoooed, illiterate, mooching family, supposedly financially irresponsible, dates bootleg rappers and/or married men-UGH!!!!) never let her be the spokesperson for much of anything. sorry for the diss, but a spade is a spade. moving right along, the term BM does sound derogatory and most ppl use it with prejudice…hey, if you get preggers by a part-time stripper and you need ur brother to buy your child’s car seat and you have long blue fake nails and a questionable high school education…hmmmmmm *yes, i know someone who fits this bill* stereotypical at best, but as i said, a spade is just that…a spade 😉
Love the feedback your getting! And thanks again for your kind words. Its been very inspiring to connect with you! Keep up the phenomenal work!
I am currently 9 months pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now, but have known each other for over 15 years. He was my first kiss at 14, I hated him in HS, and when we got to college, he became my “homie, lover, friend”. Now that we are officially together, live together, engaged, and planning a wedding….i ABSOLUTELY hate it when they say there goes his “baby mama”. It makes me feel like less of a woman. Like a hoe and I trapped him cause I just knew he would be a great dad…ghetto, disgusted, and degraded. Baby mama is drama….to me it means someone who is uneducated and no class. Someone who is just not level headed and still has feelings for that guy but yet he does not care for her so she will do anything to make sure she gets all the attention that she can get from him. A Single Mother is someone who literally puts her childs interest first. A mother who her BUST their butt to provide and has a cool realtionship with the father of her child. She knows how to compromise. She is educated. Level Headed. An independent woman.
I always thought that baby-mama was an unmarried woman with kids, no matter what the relationship with the father was like. Any woman married with kids was a wife and mother. Any woman who was divorced, separated, single, or steady/girlfriend and had kids was “baby mama”… It’s an unfair title and an empty assumption. It puts you in a box and stereotypes you, but that’s what the term means.
My BF and I have been together 5 yrs and have 2 yr old son together. We’re both grown and in our mid-30s and yes I am a proud baby mama. I personally don’t care what anyone assumes just because we’re unmarried. I kissed a lot of toads before I met my prince. I could have been someone’s babymama dozen of times but I CHOSE him. I didn’t trap him or manipulate him. I wanted to settle down and have HIS baby as a grown, financially secure (in her own right), career-driven WOMAN. And i don’t believe that marriage is the only way to have a healthy and happy relationship. My parents as well as my brother have ALL been in long term relationships without a certificate. My parents have been together 40 some odd years, My brother and his babymama have been together almost 20yrs. So ha…there goes the myth that folks can’t have happy and committed relationships without a marriage license. Don’t get me wrong we have many members of our family that have officially tied the knot and god bless them cause love is a beautiful thing. But my family has nver looked down on anyone choosing to love WITHOUT a license.
@Ms. Mouth – I do not look down on people who “love without a license” (that’s catchy – I might have to use that sometime). I just hate the term “baby mama.” Oooh, wee, gives me the shakes just thinking about it. To me, this means NO relationship beyond the kid. You obviously do have a relationship beyond the kid, so I’m going to pass on calling you a baby mama. If you want to call yourself that, it’s fine. No harm, no foul.
Thank you Tara, and I’m sorry if I came off strongly. I do feel like ppl sometimes give the word this negative connotation and I’m so proud of my family. I guess I’ve set out to defend it as silly as that may be. That being said kudos for a good post and a good site because it certainly spurred some interesting discourse.
@Ms. Mouth – You did not come off too strongly – no need to apologize You have every reason to be proud of your family – you love each other, you are making it work – kudos to you!
I don’t ever want to feel like someone needs to defend themselves on this site. That is not what I set out to do. I’m sorry if I’ve offended YOU, because that is not my intention. I guess I am arguing for a negative connotation to the word that you do not identify with. So if you are a “proud baby mama,” I can get with that. 