Today’s question comes from not one of my readers, but several. Seems like tons of you could use some advice on what to do when things don’t quite work out with your kid’s father and you’re still in limbo as figuring out how to move forward. Here’s Pam with her question:
Pam writes,
“I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend is a great guy – pretty much the man of my dreams. He’s considerate and caring and he treats my daughter like a little princess.
So what’s the problem? My daughter’s father.
He’s been kind of an a-hole in the past, but he’s making an effort to do better. I think I still love him. And wouldn’t it be great if we (my daughter’s father and I) could be together? My daughter would love it – she adores her dad and a part of me feels like I will always love him. But we had our chance and now I have a great guy I really love. It just sucks that he’s not my daughter’s father. What to do?!?!”
My response:
So you are no longer with your child’s father, which means something happened (either something big or a series of small things) that caused you two to decide you no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with each other. So if that reason has not been addressed and you haven’t seen those improvements (“making an effort” isn’t always the same thing as actually doing better), I think you’ve got to pause and really consider your options.
Your current boyfriend seems like a great guy and the only problem is that he is not your daughter’s bio dad. I don’t know how old your daughter is or how long you’ve been dating the new guy, but what I hear in your questions is a lot of concern about all the other people in your life (your boyfriend, your ex, your daughter) but not a lot of concern about yourself. To me, it sounds like you want to be one big happy family again, and that’s driving your decisions. Take that scenario out of the equation and what do you get? Are you still happy? Is your daughter still happy?
What would you tell Pam? Should she just try to find happiness with her new guy, or should she give it one more go with her daughter’s father? How do you know if someone has really changed for the better?
See how he interacts with you and your child. Has he changed truly? If he is what he says he is, you will be able to see this change. Don’t stop your life to make things work with him, but in order to give you peace of mind keep your eye on what he has going on. Ask yourself, “What has happened in his life to make him change?” Has he devoted his life to God or what has made him change? Don’t just jump back in without all the information.
Wow.. I feel like I am reading a post about myself!!
My daughters father and I have been split up for about 3yrs now… we have tried off and on for 3 years to try and make it work… and its always the same… he’s still selfish. I have dated 3 guys since me and him have split… and each time it didnt work out and I wonder if it didnt because I was still attached somewhat to my ex.
He keeps promising me that he’s changed… he’ll be a better father if me and him got back together… and a part of me wants to believe it.. believe that he really will be better if we are together… but the thing is… yea.. he’ll be better because ill be the one making all the effort to make him better…
I would say that dont jump into anything… and maybe you need to stop and think why do you want to be with him again… is it just because he’s the father of your daughter? is it because you do still have some feelings for him? and what made you split in the first place?? has that changed? and I agree with theposhmiss.com what has made him changed?? becuase if it just the fact that he wants to be with you… it might just be an act and in reality it might not last. You also have to wonder… if your boyfriend you have now is so great… why would you be thinking about leaving him for a man that you obviously had some kind of issues with…
I hope this helps some… maybe I am just looking at it from my own life and replying as if it was me who asked the question.. I just really understand that tug of war that you are feeling right now… please if you want to talk or anything… do not hesitate! you can follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/princesskitten or my blog: http://overthinkingmama.com
God Bless!!
@OverthinkingMama – Thank you so much for your reply. I’m sure it’s helpful to the many, many moms who find themselves in this situation.
Do not be pressured by what is supposedly best for your daughter. Even if she would be happy to see you and her father back together, the quality of her life will not improve if things between you two are strained. Kids feel love, and right now it doesn’t seem like you should take away the love that she receives from your boyfriend. It also seems like you need that. Don’t leave him for the wrong reasons (anything that feels like a “should” is the wrong reason) because you may regret it and never get a relationship like your current one back.
I have been in this situation. I had my daughter at age 20. My daughter’s father and I went back and forth for years. While we were “off” he ended up with a second baby and moving in with the other “baby mama”. I was crushed beyond belief. I was so hurt because in the back of my mind I had figured that we would be together for good eventually.
I thought that it was over forever. I moved on with my life. I met a wonderful guy in grad school. He was smart, funny, hard working, sweet – I could go on and on. He was educated, a homeowner and had no children. He was wonderful with my daughter. I was totally in love. I felt like this was “the one”. I truly felt like the relationship would lead to something great.
Then out of no where – (and I mean no where) my daughter’s father came around saying that he realized that “he made a huge mistake”. That he wanted to be a family. He wanted to get married.
I remember being so confused at the time. I loved my new guy and was excited about the future. I was also intrigued with the idea of becoming a “wife” and finally giving my daughter the family she deserved. The immature side of me felt vindicated that he “chose” me over the other “baby mama”.
So I tearfully broke it off with my guy – and married my daughter’s father.
My husband is a great guy. He takes care of his family and does everything that he is supposed to do.
Of course I reconnected with the ex over Facebook. He is successful and of course married with a daughter of his own.
Although I have been married for several years, I still do wonder “what if”? (I can’t front)
Looking back, I did not give the situation the serious thought that was necessary. I do believe that I did make that right choice. My husband had finally changed from a boy to a man. Its something that they all go through. And having an in tact family is one of the best things that you can give your children.
My $0.02
I’ll start by saying I haven’t been in this situation like some of the other moms, I’m married to my son’s father. However, I have had boyfriends that sound a lot like your ex.
It sounds to me (a total stranger) like he wants you back maybe because you’re getting serious with someone else. You seem to be under pressure because of what you think would be best for your daughter, but don’t make a decisions based on that since you can have a perfectly wonderful family without being in a romantic relationship with her father. Other than the pressure of ‘doing what’s right’, you don’t seem all that thrilled with him. You mention that he was an a**hole in the past, and that he’s ‘trying’ to do better, but has he actually changed in any measurable and substantial way or is it just promises?
Don’t throw away what you actually have for what you think might be able to get. Although, like the others said, think about why you’d consider going back when you’re supposedly in such a good relationship. Are you unhappy or are you just distracted by the idea of what you think your family should look like?
I am in the same situation right now. My son’s father and I have been off again, on again for about a year now. I decided that we needed to breathe because things were becoming too confusing for all parties involved. We would be together as a family most days but we were not in a relationship. My mother says he was blocking other guys who might have wanted to approach me. Long story short, he has not changed and there was no since of me being distigusted and unhappy just to make my family “look” a certain way.
As the saying goes, “when momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Your children will be happy because you are happy and happiness is not always found with the biological father.
I agree with June. I believe that the past is the past and that it should be left there for good reason. It’s unfortunate, but a lot of times people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. Well, sometimes you just can’t go back when you’re ready and pick up things where they left off. Sorry. It just doesn’t work that way. For that I think men are selfish. And of course, people want you more when you’re taken.
So I’d say his ship has sailed and he should find another one to catch. While it’s great to raise your kids w/ both parents, I hardly think that not doing so necessarily proves to be detrimental to a child’s future…
Hello Ladies,
My childs father and I have been seperated for about 5 years. I think he starting to regrate not staying with me. We split our weeks up I get my son Monday -thurs evening and he gets him thurs- Sunday evening. I’m wondering should I run like hell or see what time brings. He has done really hurtful things a while back and I have forgiven him but I can’t forget them. Has anyone went back with thier childs father and Had success?
Yeah, it’s hard when you have children in the picture because you have that dream that we grew to believe, such as Snow White & Cinderela. However, reality hit. This is only a fairy tail. My parents are still together, I always thought that my life would be the same. I’ve gone through two short marriages making something it really wasn’t. This time I didn’t marry and had a child with someone as well as property, etc. The thing is he is not the one…. I would of left him along time ago if we didn’t have a kid together. We tried to work things out. Of course one day we got in an arguement, I tried to remind him that our son was near. Then he started to say cuss words, the bad thing was that my two year old was mimicking. That was the last straw. I do not want my sone to think it is ok to disrespect me or any woman. Your job is to raise your child to become the best he or she can be. If you are unable to provide the life you want with his father, do what you got to do to make yourself happy and your child what he or she needs.
Wow! I ran across this website at the perfect time. I have reoccuring issues with my son’s father. I got pregnant 5 months after we started dating at age 19. He got really bad on drugs after that. For years it was abuse, neglect, tears, stealing money, and broken promises. It is 6 years later now and I still love him just as much as I did before. He comes from a family of drugs and hasnt really had a chance or support other than me. I guess I feel sympathy for him and have always felt like I could save him and give him more to live for. He is getting better in time but his changes arent drastic to make me think I could ever be completely safe with him and my son. I have broken ties a million times and had multiple restraining orders and changed my number as well. Yet he is persistant in his attempt to get us back and be a family. When he finally gets ahold of me, I melt immediately. Although I have dated other men since him, I have never felt the connection that I have with him. We can talk for hours and hours. We laugh and care so much for eachother. When things are good they are GREAT but when things get bad they are UNBEARABLE! It is even harder when it is the father of your child because they want to see eachother but as long as I am in the picture, it turns bad again. I hate that it has to be this way. I know that me and my son deserve better and that he might never be the man I want and need but I am losing hope in the thought of a normal life. I feel like I am doomed with or without him. What do you do if they refuse to let you go and it affects your future? How can I still care so much for him despite what he has done? I am a smart 25 year old woman from a great family and I dont know how I could have fallen for someone like him. We are from two seperate worlds yet we have a way of reaching eachother in a way that no one else can. Help!
Hi everyone.. my child’s father n myself broke up b4 I knew I was pregnant because I found an naked pic of him in his phone sending to a female. I kept contact with him because I thought I might be pregnant. He has been so confused that such as wanting to be with me or leading me on. At first we was having sex but not in a relationship. At the same time he told me he had someone else pregnant then turned around n said he was lying. He later on said that he wanted me to move in with me. Now he is saying we can’t be together unless I Change my ways but he is not going to wait on me. He just recently told me that we can’t be together n it’s basically my fault. I love this man so much n he knows that so I don’t know if I want to be a family with him or not. It’s becoming to stressful n he hasn’t been to any appointment. he just recently said if I want to b with him I better learn how to b his friend. So I don’t know what to do.
My ex left me when I was 6 and a half months pregnant for another girl. And now I’m almost 9 months pregnant and he keeps saying he wants to come back because the baby deserves a family. But in my eyes uless he’s truly changed it could damge your baby even more. To be honest noone but you can decide but are you willing to give up your happiness and your future for a what if? I wouldn’t do it. If he left once he will do it again
Hello,
I am a 24 yr old mother who is fed up. I’ve been with my child’s father since I were 16. He went away to school and cheated on me and didnt tell me about it til my son turned one. If he would have told me when it occured I would have already left and we would not have a child together. He’s the only one I’ve ever been with and I love him, but he’s also a big baby. He whines about everything. I feel like the man in my relationship. He smokes and raps (2 things i hate). We drive each other crazy and it is affecting my son and my school work. What to do?
HEY I AM ACTUALLY GOING THREW THE SAME….. I HAVE A GREAT BOYFRIEND….BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE WITH MY FAMILY…sooooo if i were you i would just take some time out and start seeing my childs father to see how far it would go and where would the results come out to be…..than just sit dwn and tell your guy want it is that you want….only you kno…thats just how i feel im leaven my boyfriend becuse i want my family back….. smiles
any advice on life and love?
cause I feel so fucking stupid. But at the same time, its all in Gods will and I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be me. I was with my daughters dad for 3 years before I got pregnant, and I left my daughter dad when I was 5 months pregnant. It was the hardest thing I have had to do yet, and it was because my brother and sisterinlaw told me it was best for my daughter. My daughter is the one thing that matters most to me, and I was so scared when I was pregnant, I left him. and then we began this journey of hate and fighting. he wrote me so many letters saying how he loved me and wished we could be together, and a family. And because I was listening to someone else then my heart, I ignored them.and then he would write letters in rage, because he was hurt, and it would fuel my strive to stay away from him. Ive dated numerous guys, and I have not ever had the same connection. Ive tried. Ive dated guys my family would “approve” of, and I totally had no connection. Uriah and me had a very very nasty custody battle, and it is over with and well in the past, we both love our daughter so so much and We have both grown so much, separately. I am so different then I was 5 years ago. and so is he. I got in a really bad car crash last week and I hit my head really really hard. I could have died easily, and I walked away with a bump on my head and completely fine. i feel like God smacked me and said WAKE UP! and since I have felt Emotions I have not felt in years. i don’t feel numb anymore. I feel overwhelmed in fact. and these last few months, so much has been going on in my life. and he has been a friend again. He told me sorry for everything that he had done. and he has been supportive. I finally unblocked him after years the night, and I have been looking at his pictures. And I cant stop crying because I miss him so much. I am so lost without him. I loved him so much and I pushed him away. My family hates him. his family hates me. And he is the only man I ever loved, or will love. Life is such a mess. It’s like God is showing me so much, all at once. I finally can feel again, but its too fucking late. I am so stupid. I see now that I shouldn’t have listened to my family. i should have listened to my heart, to God. But its too late because he has a family with another girl. And I wont come between that. I wont take away his happiness. now that I can feel again, how do I make it go away? How do I get rid of this pain???
Me and the father of my child have been through so much. Good and Bad. There was abuse and pain. He’s been in and out of jail. I stood by him for the past 5 years or so but now I feel differently and its because I want to be happy and I met someone else. He treats me well and he has a good heart I really like him. I haven’thad feelings like this for anyone like this in so long. I want to cry sometimes because I wish my sons father could have given me the love I so desperately needed from him. I’m trying to move on and my new friend really wants us to get serious but I’m hesistant because I still have feelings for my baby father and he wants us to get back together. He says he has “changed”. Despite everything that has happened between us, despite the fact that all my friends and family hate him, there is still love in my heart for him. I can’t choose because i’m scared. I want to make the right choice. Do I stay or move on.
Nicole, Hi my name is Nadja I have to say that I am now going through a smiliar situation. I have been with my childs father going on 8 years in October yes thats a long time we have been through soooooo much also we have a 3 year old daughter together. I have to admit that although I do love him and still have feelings for him I don’t feel the same anymore about him. Yes I’ve fucked up in the past I guess I just grew apart from him
love comes back. its about making the effort for not only yourself but for the best situation for the child.
I recently left the father of my 11month old. He is already trying to get us back, but I know it will never work out. My situation is different for the fact that I never truly loved him to begin with. I am 27 and my advice is make sure he is trying to get you back for the RIGHT reasons. A lot of guys just want to ‘make it work’ to stroke their ego and try to make themselves believe that they can fix anything, giving themselves a big fat pat on the back while they are at it. “A relationship is like a vase. Every time it breaks, you glue it back together until the pieces are too small and broken. What do you do then? The cracks will always be there. I hope it works out for you.
no is perfect and its very hard to get something right the first time around. anything more than a second chance is enough. I do believe everyone does deserve a second chance specially if the other parent at fault is willing to make an effort to change. if the other person is trying to make an effort to change then that shows that person really loves you. changing isn’t easy either. The best thing you could do for your child is to try to make it work with the other parent. the child shouldn’t have to cope in this world for what you want. If the other parent is a good parent and the child does will around them, then it should be our job as parents and adults to make the effort for what is best for the child now and in the future. it hurts very much to the parent who don’t get to see there child grow up daily.