Warning: This is a vent.
The biggest mistake pregnant women and new mothers make? Falling in love with the idea of a “Baby.”
Correction: You are not having a baby. You’re having a child. You are becoming a mother. That kid will grow up and he or she will deal with issues that are bigger than “What color should we paint the nursery?”
The next 18 years will not be about picking out cute bedding for the crib, or saving for a crib or throwing a baby shower with little diaper cakes. This is about real life. You have a huge responsibility on your shoulders for the rest of your life and it’s time to take a deep breath and figure out what that means for you going forward.
This is the same problem these bridezillas have when they’re too busy harping about cake flavors and reception songlists when they need to be worrying about whether this guy is worth the breath it’s going to take to say “I do.”
My point (and I swear I have one) is that I, and so many other moms I’ve talked to, was simply overwhelmed when reality set in. Didn’t we all have that moment when the kid was about a month old, where you’re sitting there, tired, sleep deprived, hungry, hormonal and in the midst of it, you look at your kid and think, “Dude, when is your mom getting here? I’m so tired of babysitting.” What – was I the only one who thought that?
I was so focused on pregnancy and childbirth, two physical states that undoubtedly deserve the vast majority of your time while you’re experiencing them. But no one really sat me down and made me think about what kind of mother I wanted to be when this kid would eventually be out of diapers.
But you know the frustrating thing? So much of this gig is just straight winging it. I wonder how long I can keep up this facade that I actually know what I’m doing. What am I going to do when my kids find out Mommy is making this up as she goes along?
Shoot, so even if I did have an idea of what kind of mom I wanted to be, it could have very easily gone out the window as soon as something knocked me off course. That’s maddening.
So what’s my point? I dunno, this is one of those posts that just come to me and I write it in a matter of minutes. Hmm…what was I trying to say?
I think my point is that moms need to realize that this gig is permanent. Pardon my language, but these kids ain’t going nowhere. Forever and ever and ever they’ll be YOURS. Your responsibility. It’s your job to make sure they go from gurgling, fat faced babies to independent, productive adults with a healthy sense of self-respect and determination. Are you ready for that challenge? Do you even realize that IS your challenge? If not, woo – sucks to be you.
Vent over.
Great post! I think I’m abmornal and little crazy. *lol* From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was scared silly. I had no visions of adorable fat baby’s, cute clothes or a beautiful nursery. I had thoughts of shaping a blank slate into a wonderful human being and a productive member of society. I had doubts that my husband and I could do it. I felt instantly overwhelmed with thoughts of teaching a child to cross the street, how to convince them that veggies are good, how not talk to strangers, be respectful and compassionate to other people, etc. I get chills now thinking about it. But, I’m a worrier, so these thoughts are always at the back of my mind. Yep, this thing is for life and we’re up for the challenge. It’s scary, but it’s also so very wonderful!
I am so glad you wrote this, Tara. It all really needed to be said. Ok, confession time, but be nice to me… I was one of those women who thought “aww, I want a baby…” I would look through baby departments and coo at all the adorable (expensive) things and think, I can’t wait to have a baby. Of course I know that babies grow into toddlers, then children, then teenagers (which I’m still cringing over the teenage aspect…I was a terrible teenager) but I never really gave any thought into the fact that the little adorable baby I wanted would grow up. Before my son was born, I was convinced that infancy would be the toughest aspect of being a mother. The late nights, no sleep, feedings at all hours of the night, then all the extra stuff that I had to take care of because my baby was so sick like making sure he was breathing, knowing what to do when he stopped breathing, managing his apnea monitor and oxygen tanks, giving him 12+ meds daily, the many doctors appointments, hospital stays, and surgeries…I thought man, I can handle anything after this! It’ll be so much easier later.
MAN, was I wrong! Children are not hardest when they are infants. It just keeps getting harder and harder as he grows up. You get a handle on something and you think you’re doing good, and then something new comes up and you’re sinking in water again. And you’re so right, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing over here. I’m just winging it too. I have to decide if I’m going to let him have a vanilla wafer (his favorite snack) after he’s eaten nothing all day, refused all his meals…so do I let him have a wafer, just so he has something in his stomach, or do I stick hard to the fact that I told him if he didn’t eat his meals, then no snacks? Do I take his bottle away and only let him have sippy cups, even though he refuses to drink out of a sippy cup and he’s 2 1/2 years old and is biting through the nipples on his bottles? (And if you’re wondering, yes I did take the bottles away because it just wasn’t safe for him to bite through the nipples. He fought with me for 31 hours and refused to drink anything, and then he finally gave in and drank from a sippy cup after I removed the valve. Score one for the mommy.) How in the world do I get him to quit crawling in my bed at 3 am? I don’t have any right answers, and if you’ve got em you’d better hand em over…none of us know the “right” way to do things. We’re all winging it, and those of us that won’t admit it are just in denial.
So yeah, I completely understand what you’re saying, and it really needed to be said. I’m glad someone else admits she doesn’t know what the heck she’s doing, too. I don’t feel so alone.
Sounds like a post/vent that many of the moms on “16 and Pregnant” need to read!
But, definietly, no matter what age we are as moms…we’re all winging it.
me three! I have no idea what I’m doing. But I think its the same for all mum’s regardless of age. Fine, a decade of extra ‘life experience’ might make older (average age) mums more savvy when it comes to some things, but this is very much a learn-on-the-job type of thing. LOL.
My husband and I regularly sit down and discuss ‘ok, so what do you think we should do if…’ ahahaha it’s quite comical really, but I’m sure the same conversation happens in all families!
katie, I know exactly what you mean about getting the hang of one thing and then being chucked right into the deep end all over again. Childbirth is a doddle, raising a baby is a doddle, raising a toddler – YIKES!!!! lol I am scared to think of my daughter as a teenager, I’m just trying to enjoy what I can from each stage, cos everything seems to roll so fast these days.
Can I confess ladies – I am broody for a ‘baby’ but scared of how I’d cope with 2 kids. Our little girl is already asking for ‘baby sister, play with’ – bless her…but I am freaked out!!! Perhaps Tara, you could right a post ‘when three becomes four’ and talk about how you went from being a mum of 1 to a mum of 2? It’d be great to hear your experience on age gaps etc etc and to read the comments of other young (and i’m sure yummy) mummies! : )
xxxx
@Mrs. O! – That is a great idea. I will write that post this week.
Great post Tara! It’s so true that like 90% of it is “winging” it. LOL!! Is it easier when the second one comes around? I always joke that the munchkin is the test baby and I’ll know what to do/what not to do one day when the other one comes along.
Your not alone in the babysitting feel, girl. I’m still waiting for my daughter’s mother to show up,lol. I tell people that your only raising a human that needs clothing,food,and shelter. But your also raising a heart,mind,and soul. I wish mothers all over the world could remember that.