My inbox is brimming over with questions. Had no idea people actually think I know what I’m talking about. Wow! Anyone, here is a quandary from Vanessa. Let’s help her out:
I am a 20 year old college student that has wanted to have a baby since I was 14 years old. I never tried because school was always first, not to mention it’s disturbing to see a high schooler walking around with an over-sized belly. Now that I am almost 21, I am feeling almost depressed that I won’t allow myself to bask in the ambiance of motherhood. I have a guy whom is excited to know that I want to be a mother because he wants to be a caring father.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’m going crazy! HELP PLEASE!
My first thought was: Hmm…wanted to have a baby since you were 14? Please say it ain’t so. I gave her some open-ended advice – don’t know if I hit the nail on the head or not:
I do not want to sugar-coat this for you or tell you explicitly what to do so instead I will ask you questions and ask that you answer them honestly for yourself:
1) Why do you want a baby? Is it because you think they’re cute, because you feel it will give your life purpose, because you think a baby make your life complete?
2) Why do you want a baby NOW? What is it about waiting a few more years that has you depressed?
3) What is so special about this guy? Why him? Why would he make a good – no, GREAT – father and partner? Would you get married? Why or why not? What would that mean to you? Do you want to get married? How long have you known him? Do you know why he wants to be a caring father? How old is he?
You said, “I won’t allow myself to bask in the ambiance of motherhood.” Don’t ever want to burst someone’s bubble but it is not all peaches and cream. Yes, motherhood is fun at times and it’s rewarding and I wouldn’t trade it for the world…blah, blah, blah. You are in college. I was in college. I was right where you are. I was 20 years old, pregnant and in college and had a great guy who I thought would be a great father. I was lucky – he did turn out to be a great father and we did get married.
But do not think that it has been easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We’ve gone through it – been through more ups and downs than should be allowed in the early stages of a relationship.
I do not believe motherhood is anything you can truly be 100% prepared for, but I do not recommend having a baby in college. It is difficult. I’ve been there. Even if you have a STRONG support system, it is hard. Motherhood is forever. It doesn’t change on a whim. From the moment you conceive until the moment you die, you are responsible for another human life. That’s a huge responsibilty. Are you ready for that?
I suspect the answer to that question lies in your answer to the first question I asked you: Why do you want a baby? You said you’ve “wanted to have a baby” since you were 14. I notice you did not say you wanted to be a mom, but “have a baby.” Those are two very different things.
I do not mean to come off as harsh, really I don’t. I’m just trying to let you see how things look on the other side, as a young mom, and how your life will change drastically and it can’t change back…
Very long answer, but that was my gut reaction. Vanessa sent a follow-up e-mail to say that she has been taking care of her roommate’s 3-year-old daughter (bathing her, dressing her, playing with her, teaching her, taking her to daycare) for the past three years. That adds another twist to the story.
So what say you? What advice would you give Vanessa? Wait until she’s graduated college? Have a baby when she feels she’s ready?
I would definitely advise her to not only wait until she’s finished college (including post graduate schooling if that’s her desire) but until she’s lived a little as well! I think your 20’s should be all about getting educated, living life and enjoying your freedom. While children are indeed a blessing, they are an immense workload!
I also don’t recommend rushing into motherhood without being married (preferably for a few years), but even if your are married, that doesn’t mean that things will always be peachy!
Bottom line: she shouldn’t be in a rush to have kids! Hard work doesn’t even describe what motherhood is all about….
I would say wait until she graduates college and has a good job for a year or two. I became pregnant when I started college, and I ended up dropping out…I’m going back this year (a year later, my son will be 18 months old) but it’s going to be even harder. It’s been no walk in the park for us, and while although I don’t regret having my son I just wish my fiance and I were better situated in the money department.
My opinion is a little different. I was one of those people that have wanted to be a mom since I can remember however I decided to hold off until I got married. I got married at 33 and that’s where my drama began. I found out that it is not as easy to have a baby when you plan. I have struggled for the last 4 years and it is heartbreaking because each day my chances of becoming a mother was passing. I will say that if you really want to become a mother, do a reality check and make sure you can afford your baby and have a plan. Plans don’t always work so do hold out too long on trying to work your plan. Make sure you talk to your doctor to make sure that you will not have any issues later in life if you decide to wait.
I had my first baby at 28. I knew from my teen years that I just outright didn’t want the responsibility. I didn’t have an interest in being a babysitter or near kids. I wanted to work and travel the world and be able to come and go as I pleased. And so I did. I tell my daughters to live their life as much as they can and don’t let anyone stop them from their dreams. Having a baby is a HUGE responsibility. Playing with someone else’s child is fun because you get to give them back and get a good night’s sleep. A newborn doesn’t operate by schedule. How do you handle operating on 2 hours of sleep let alone going to school? I will say, I have met Tara and absolutely admire the head she has on her shoulders. Please, think long and hard before you make this commitment because it is a lifetme one. And your own Mom might not be there as much as you might think she may be. Your baby, your responsibility.
I think you hit the nail on the head! There’s a HUGE difference in being a mom and wanting a baby. You gave awesome advice and really encouraged her to THINK. I pray she does. It’s a hard road with or without support.
I’m not a young mom, but I had three daughters, and a few grandkids. I know that sometimes the perspective of an older woman isn’t considered relevant. But I can’t resist commenting on this – I hardly ever get to comment on something that’s nothing to do with being vegetarian! So bear with me.
First, desiring a baby isn’t unnatural. I didn’t, but some women do. But when I got pregant at 25 (through unprotected sex), my life went through huge changes. Mostly positive. Most babies aren’t planned, truth be told. People rarely think “Am I ready, can I afford it, should I be married?” before getting pregnant. If you do too much thinking about it, you’re likely to decide it’s just not possible.
Sometimes, babies just happen to you, and it works out – they come with their own support systems built in, mom and dad rise to the challenge, your family helps you, everybody’s happy. But having a baby isn’t an automatic ticket to happiness.
The flip side is nasty – unwanted children, depressed exhausted mothers, poverty, neglect, abuse. Motherhood is so rewarding, so much joy and love, but a huge responsibility for the happiness and well-being of someone who’s totally dependent on you, plus endless work.
So I would say, be careful what you want!
@Judith – I never want anyone to think their perspective isn’t relevant. Everyone has a backstory that gives them insight. We value older moms as well as younger moms here. [And FYI, since you got pregnant at 25, I do still consider you a young mom (anyone who had their first kid before/around 25) Just because you’re older now doesn’t change the fact that you are “one of us.”
] Your insight was spot on.
I’d like to add the comments here and share my experience. I ‘always wanted to have a baby’ since I was 12/13…from the age of 16/17 I ‘wanted to be a mum’. I was diagnosed some ovary troubles and so at 21 decided that I had better not wait till I was 30, ‘lived a little’ etc etc before having a baby. At age 22, I got pregnant. We got married this year (aged 24) and in total, have been together for 5 years. I was (still am, actually) doing a phd and I can tell you with good authority, that having a child during studies is not easy – AT ALL! I wont give you any advice, as it’s your life, I don’t know you and the context in which you ‘want to have a baby’ but I can tell you the following:
– it’s your life now, but when you do become a mum (i’m British, it’s not a typo!), its not just your life anymore – or at least it shouldn’t be in my opinion!
– being a mum is NOT the same as doing mummy things with someone else’s child
– you have to be a mum 24/7/52/365..even if you’re tired and even if you’re sick…this is a job FOREVER!
– being a mum is not just about having a baby, it’s about having a toddler, a teenager, a man or a woman who depends on you, even when they think they’re grown. I still call my mum all the time for advice!
– if you’re a mum, you really will not be seeing as much of your friends as much as 1)you are now and 2) you would like to in the future
– you can’t just ‘pop out of the house’ EVER. Seriously, you will have to plan everything – wave goodbye to sponteneity! lol
– it takes a village to raise a child. Whether you’re 21 or 31 or older, if you attempt to do it alone, it will be harder! Support networks are key!
– lastly, being a mum, in my opinion is absolutely the hardest most demanding job in the world!
All that said, being a mum is a wonderful thing. I have never felt like it’s so important to succeed in life, as I do now, being a mother. I’m not saying that my daughter is my only reason for living, but being a mum has put my life into SO much perspective and I have grown up a LOT! For me, being a mum is roughly, 80% hard; 20% fun! But for that 20% of fun, the 80% is totally worth it. This ratio does depend on the day of course.
I’d say heed advice from those more experienced than you. Generally, people have a better insight into some things with experience. I do think it is good that you asked this question here, as the girls on here are certainly experienced and well-seasoned ‘young mums!’ lol x
Good luck.. x
I would like to say that “taking care” of someone’s kid NEVER gives you a FULL idea of what parenthood will be like. When it’s your own kid it will be YOU who will miss classes when the kid has a fever and daycare won’t take baby sick cause of the risk to the other kids; it will be your wallet that money will come out of for daycare, health-care, and groceries (and formula and diapers are NOT cheap); it will be YOU up at 11pm to 5am at the local ER cause baby’s projectile vomiting with diarrhea and a fever that won’t break; it will be YOU making meals, hugging, sitting with CRYING, WAILING, TANTRUMing baby when baby is upset. There is no one to hand the baby off too when you are sleep deprived at night and have to get up for work or school in four hours… When you take care of other people’s kids, you don’t have to do all of the tiresome, negative things that you’ll have to do when the kid is YOURS. It’s a 24 hour job that gets boring, redundant, painful, stressful, worrisome, and hard like any other job you’ll do in life. The only difference is that LOVE will keep you getting up every morning, but it doesn’t gloss over how HARD motherhood is. Young mothers should really be informed and up-for-the-task before pregnancy. This isn’t a game. MTV makes it look like fun and games with their show about teen moms and Hollywood down-plays the seriousness of it with movies like Juno. But there are no cameras and Hollywood sets in the hospital after child-birth and there is no Director yelling cut when motherhood gets HARD. I’m just sayin’. Wait. Travel. Get your education. Find someone who’s right for you. Live a little more. There’s always time to have babies. 😉