A lovely reader wrote in with this dilemma. Let’s call her Patrice. Patrice writes:
I can’t concentrate since my husband and I had another argument about my son (from a previous relationship). The issue is this…Is it wrong for me to give small daily rewards to my child to encourage good behavior?
I say it’s working – so what’s the problem? His beef is it’s “bribery” and kids are supposed to just be good, without expecting any reward.
He fails to recognize my son does have some type of developmental issue, exactly what I don’t know. It could be ADHD, auditory/conceptual/comprehension delay. I’ve had him tested but he’s highly intelligent and charming so no one finds anything. He does not behave well especially in a classroom setting and usually disrupts the class daily. He’s 6 and has been suspended for behavior twice.
My husband was raised in a strict Southern family where just looking stupid would get you choked. Although these practices have been tried with my child it only fuels him to act out more in school. So if I finally find something that works after trying for 3 years, why question and demerit my efforts? I need to add I am 6 months pregnant as well so emotions are all over the place. I’d love to hear someone else’s prospective on dealing with a special needs child or any child. What are your and your followers thoughts?
This has so many different components that I don’t know where to begin. On one hand, they are married and they need to be on the same page as far as how they see fit to raise their children, especially with a new kid on the way. On the other hand, you needn’t give up your values and ideals than you gained from your childhood if you feel strongly about their validity. I tried to assure Patrice that I am in no way an expert on parenting, but that I have some wise readers who will be happy to give their insight on this issue.
What do you think? Do you agree with her husband, and think that rewarding him is the same thing as bribery? Or is it okay for her to reward her son if it keeps him in line and nothing else has worked? Patrice will be checking in during the day to see the comments. Let’s make sure we help her out! 
If you have a parenting dilemma you’d like to pose to the masses, be sure to contact me. I’d love to have your question featured.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with rewards to encourage good behavior. It’s certainly more productive than using spanking.
The trouble comes in when you’ve got someone who won’t do anything unless you give him an M&M or something – when you say, “Honey, could you take your plate to the sink?” and he says, “What are you going to give me?”
The way to avoid this is through INTERMITTENT rewards. Not every time, not every third time. You want to reward completely randomly. You don’t want him to ever be able to predict whether or not you’re going to reward him /this/ time.
And you never ever say, “If you take your plate to the sink, I’ll give you a cookie.” You say, “You did a good job taking your plate to the sink, here’s a cookie,” after the fact. Or, “You had a really good day yesterday… Let’s go out!” rather than, “If you have a good day tomorrow we can go out.” Think of it as poker, and don’t show your hand.
It’s going to be really hard at first, if you’ve been “dangling the carrot…” but CATCH HIM BEING GOOD and reward it after the fact. He’ll catch on soon.
And that, my dear, is how we train our husbands.
Oh, you wanted discipline tips about your son? Hmmm… Well, all men are wired the same, they just come in different sizes. Adjust your rewards accordingly.
As a mom of two boys, my husband and I clash on our ideals of raising them from time to time. There are areas that I am a little more lax and he is a little firmer and vice versa. In this case, I would explain to my husband why I am doing this and if he feels that it is not appropriate, what does he feel the best course of action would be. In our marriage our motto for compromise is if you are carrying a complaint in one hand have a solution in the other.
In reference to the developmental issue, other than your motherly instinct, what is that makes you belive he has a problem. Not trying to be insulting, but I have a 5 year old that is extremely intellegent and quite charming and is used to having his way or being able to talk his way out of a situation, and while he has not had major behavior problems in school, we have gotten notes home about his yelling out in class and not waiting his turn. Have you considered the possibility that he is not being challanged in school and that is why he is acting out? My son is ina school where they do “looping” where they have the same teacher for K and 1st grade, so his teacher has started giving him some 1st grade work to keep him occupied. Another question, has he always been this way or have you just noticited it recently? He could be acting out as a result of you getting married and your pregnancy. That is a lot of change for a little guy. Last year, my son began to act out in school and it was mid way thru the school year. At first it was just a few issues here and there, then it was becoming a major issue. So I started back tracking to pinpoint when it began. It was around the time when I started my PT job working from home, so the time I used to spend w.him in the evening was not there and he was acting out as a result.
I hope I have not been too long winded :). I wish you success with this situation and congrats on the new baby.
I run a preschool from my home and have two children of my own. This probably one of the most frequently asked questions by my parents. This is what I tell them. I think that reward systems are a great way to help reinforce good behaviors or teach new ones. With that being said I agree more so esp. at that age in expectations for behaviors as well. I expect you to not yell at me and use your manners when you would like something. You do that more often then not throughout the day you get a reward. Now for a child at that age liek I said expectations play into account…disability or not…there are expectations he can understand and follow through with. For his age…I recommend 1 of 2 types of rewards. A sticker chart that say accounts for each day of the week and 3-5 things you all agree should be on there. By this I mean ask him. What do you think shoudl be on there…kids are very open to doing this and often have great suggestions. Then for so many stickers throughout the week you get a reward…maybea 5 dollar toy…or dinner out with dad solo. I even go as far as to have a rewards chart that they pick one from. Now, maybe in transition to this or as an alternative create a treasure box…i fill mine with those things that come in big bags for a pinata…theri small, cheap and not a big deal. But, i tend to find that after age 3-4 the kids “expect” something and that may be where you husband is coming from that he doesn’t want you son to beleive he shoudl always get soemthing for being good. which i can understand…but maybe by doing a weekly reward system the hubby will see its not bribing him to be good but a reward for trying so hard and fullfilling his end of the bargin. Over time he won’t need it and will just fullfill his end of the bargin naturally. I’ve used these thigns for 10 years and love them…doesn’t mean theres not horriable days…lol..but..works for me and the zoo full i keep here.. Hope some of this help!
I am in no way an expert, but from one special needs mommy to another (my son has autism, sensory processing disorder, and global developmental delays) I know that special needs children do need to be treated a bit differently at times. Every child is different, and you know your child best. It sounds like you have the closest bond with your son and you know his moods, abilities, and limitations the best, so you need to trust yourself and do what you feel is best for your son. If you feel like rewarding him for good behavior is beneficial to him, then that is what you should do. Just because your husband was raised a certain way does not mean you are forced to raise your son that way too; in fact, I think the world would be a much better place if the majority of parents do NOT raise their children the way they were raised. But thats just me. I think you should trust yourself how to raise your son, because you know him best.
Oh, this is a tough one. Take it from someone who has been married for 20 years. And this won’t get easier. Okay, here’s my bottom line. I don’t like rewards. I want kids to do things and internalize what they do and get rewarded for a job well done. HOWEVER, I have a special needs child, and she went to a special needs school, and they blew that theory out of the water. They rewarded her for reading, because that was the best system for kids who have a hard time reading. Fast forward 6 years. She is now mainstreamed, and she is self-motivated in reading. I think if something is really hard that your child is not wired to do, then try rewards, carefully. Otherwise, hold back on them. So, maybe it is a compromise. As far as the hubby, don’t forget that your marriage is first. Look at my site for some help in that area from women who have been married 15-20 years.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Sarah Baron, member of the illustrious Anonymous8.
Hi Patrice I believe your husband is right that giving rewards for good behavior is a form of bribery. I have a very intelligent 4 year son and he acts out at school. I learned the issues he had were due to boredom and lack the lack of a challenge in the classroom. If the Dr. don’t believe he has ADHD then I’m sure he’s fine you may need to figure out a new learning style for him so his attention is being kept.
Also think of it like this if you were at work and you got a bonus for everything you did right, you’d probably be rich but the moment you didn’t do right and your bonus were taken away you would Bummed out. But imagine if your company ran out of money and couldn’t afford to give you bonuses anymore would you just quit your job because your no longer getting rewards. (My point is when your son gets older and you feel like he’s at the age where he should just do right because it’s the right thing to do what type of things will he do to get his rewards back? Will he just quite doing good all together?)
You have to remember your husband is a man and he must be a good one because you chose him and now you all are having a child together. He knows what it takes to become a great Man. So try to see what other options he can bring to the table besides giving rewards and treats.
As the mom of a 3 year old, I know how hard it can be to deal with disruptive behavior. We too are a blended family. In our house, our daughter is expected to behave at all times whether at home or at school. She was sent her from her new school on the second day for disruptive behavior and disciplined accordingly. She was spanked and we explained why we spanked her. (As kids, both of us received spankings when we misbehaved and we learned to not misbehave if we didn’t want a spanking.) We haven’t had a major problem for our daughter since.
She is too smart for us to except her best at all times. We only “reward” her after a couple of weeks of daily good behavior, with something extra such as movie night or a trip to Chuck E Cheese. We just take her and let her know that she has been doing a great job lately. If she has received a gift from sommeone else, she doesn’t get to have it until her behavior i consistent. She isn’t rewarded for individual acts of good behavior. Kids learn fast that they are supposed to receive a treat for acting good- that one time. I believe that they are not really learning to behave with constant rewards. Why should a child be rewarded for something they are supposed to do?
At the same time, her biological father lets her do whatever and we have to push a “RESET” button when she comes home from a visit over there. She tests us and we let her know again what is expected of her in our home.
Other the other hand, you believe that your child is special needs. Have this confirmed as your child is at the age where most childhood disabilities can be better diagnosed.
Bottom line: Be consistent and do not let your child run the show.
Correction: She is too smart for us to except LESS than her best.