Every once in a while I check my stats to see what people type into the search engine that gets them to my little ol’ website. If I see anything that sounds urgent, but that I haven’t really covered, then I write about it.
Today I saw this query: “im a mom my life is over” Now please tell me this is a name of a song somewhere or an episode title of a TV show, because I would hate for people to be sitting in front of the computer, crying baby in the background, feeling alone, with these thoughts “im a mom my life is over” going through their head.
Now because I’m real and honest, I will admit that I’ve been there. We’ve probably ALL been there at one point or another.
Usually on those days where NOTHING goes right. The baby poops on you as you’re about to leave the house, you get to work and your boss yells at you, you burn dinner, your kids have their 1,242th tantrum of the day, your mom made a rude comment, you realize at 9 p.m. at night you’ve been walking around in socks that don’t match all day.
Or, it’s on one of those days where it’s just one thing, one thing that makes you stop and say, “What the hell was I thinking?”
But the good news is that yes, kids do change your life. They change your life in all types of ways, from the small things (like what time you eat dinner) to the bigger issues (how much money you have left over at the end of the month after buying diapers and medical co-pays and daycare bills).
I think it took me a full year with my first daughter to understand that I was a MOTHER now. It wasn’t a temporary title. This was REAL. This was my life now and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. She was in my life for better or for worse and she deserved all that I could give.
So to the mom that Googled, “im a mom my life is over” please know that it gets easier. You never fully have your life to yourself, and your heart and mind are always going to be at least partially devoted to the wellbeing of your kids, but it does get easier. Hang in there.
Young moms, can you give this mom some advice? What do you tell yourself on the “low” days?
I tell myself that there are people all over wishing, hoping, praying and paying for the opportunity that I have to be a mother. I tell myself that this is the hand I was dealt and I need not complain.
@Ashley – I find that’s one thing I have to tell myself: Don’t complain. Why would I complain? I’ve got great kids, a good husband, a nice job and my body isn’t too bad after having two 9-pound kids. LOL.
To any mom who feels that their life is “over”, know that we all have those days (or sometimes weeks). Go talk to someone (prefferably another understanding mom) and you may feel a little better, and if you’re dealing with post partum depression talk to a health professional. Post partum depression doesn’t only happen to moms of newborns–your baby can be 10 months and all of a sudden, your hit with depression.
I find that I feel overwhelmed with motherhood only when I haven’t had a break in months (yes, I sometimes go months without being away from the kids for even a day as I’m a wahm). Get a babysitter. If you can, get a hotel room for 1-3 days. Keep yourself surrounded with other moms so that you don’t feel completely isolated from people who have stuff in common w/ you.
When I get frustrated with not being as far in life as I imagined, I remind myself that the kids are only little for a time. I remember that one day soon they will be 11, 12, or 13 and I’ll have some of my time back. I remeber that I matter to them more than anyone else, and that they need me. I remember that I am raising two people that may one day find a cure for cancer or something just as great.
When I feel stressed by the messes, crying, loudness, etc, I remember that I’m the adult, and I have to stop letting typical baby/childish behavior determine my mood (easier said than done, though)
@Mrs. CJ – When I was younger, my mom used to go away for a weekend. My dad could sense when she needed a break and would pack her bags and drop her off a hotel. We would kick it with him for Saturday and Sunday and my mom would get to relax. Of course, my mom would usually call on Saturday afternoon, saying she missed us, so we’d all end up in her hotel room! LOL. But the point is, you’ve got to know when your breaking point is and take the break BEFORE you get to it! If you wait until you’re tearing your hair out, it’s going to take more than a quick trip to the mall to get your mind right. I like to do daily mini-treats, whether it’s painting my toes or watching a good sitcom.
Great comments, Charlene!
Its funny because I am actually having “One of those days right now”! When I start feeling down I accept how I am feeling at that moment and then I focus on how being a mom has helped me transition into becoming the woman that I am today. It is full-time and challenging position as a mother and as women we have to accept that, nobody is the perfect mother and life does not stop when you have children, you just have an extra body or couple of lil bodies that accompany you on this adventure called life…lol
@Tiyauna – You have some great insights. I try to think of all the good things my kids bring into my life, at the precise moment they are getting on my nerves the most. LOL. I think it’s the full-time, permanent nature of the gig that can drive an sane woman up the wall after a long day. You lay in bed at night and think, “I have to get up and do this AGAIN? And then AGAIN?” It’s daunting. It’s tiring. It’s repetitive. But it builds your character, molding you into the person you were meant to be.
I love your outlook!
I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. I may have a horrible day, week, month, but eventually things do get better. Especially with my daughter, she goes through phases as all kids do and just because today she might be a monster, tomorrow she may switch and be the angel I know. I also treasure the good moments I DO have on bad days, like a sweet comment Savannah makes or extra snuggles.
Things DO get better!
@Leah – Yes, it’s SOO important we treasure those good days, whenever they come around!
These are really great comments. I hope somehow, whoever Googled that can come back and read this. Real words of inspiration from some top-notch moms!
I’ll tell you, nothing gets me through it better than talking to another mom about it. My best friend/sister-in-law Angelou can hear the stress in my voice when I call her, and she stops whatever she’s doing to listen, encourage, commiserate, and help. My other friend Gretchen doesn’t even need words; she just steps in and handles it. She just comes and scoops up my kids and gives me a break.
The break is the key. You have to step away from it for a minute or two and just, like, breathe. I don’t care if it’s just putting the baby down in the crib and shutting the door and going into another room for 15 minutes to pick your toenails, TAKE THE BREAK. We simply CAN NOT function if we don’t take time for ourselves to decompress and let loose the stress. Mothering is HARD work; you do, like, 50 jobs all at once, and the mental gymnastics of doing those jobs, plus plotting how you’re going to do the next 50 jobs can drive you batty, batty, batty if you don’t take off the cape and sit down somewhere and admit a HUMAN BEING simply can’t do it all and do it all perfectly.
So if you gotta hand the little buggers off to a friend for an hour while you go to Target and just finger the pretty towels, or you sit the kids in front of the TV for a couple of episodes of Dora while you sit and read the paper and enjoy a cup of coffee or whatever, know that A) your kid is going to live if you take a break and step away for a minute, and B) that you’ll be better for it!
@Denene – I’ve also learned that timing is everything. I used to wait until I was at my breaking point, getting frustrated over the smallest things, waking up with the kids’ bedtime already on the brain, and just generally feeling worn out. Now I can recognize a “low” from about two weeks away. I’ve learned to never let yourself get on “E”! Once you get to that point, it’s harder to refuel….