I wrote a post on another website about my experience this summer taking care of my two kids while my husband worked 12+ hour days.
I wrote it to say that I was in awe of the single moms who took care of their kids and handled all of the responsibility all of the time. I meant it in an inspiring way (go ahead and read it for yourself) but I got a lot of crap from single moms who felt insulted, declaring that they didn’t need my pity.
One particular comment was incredibly nasty, left by a woman who simply identified herself as STFU (and you all know what that stands for):
STFU, you are such a whiner!!!!!
BOO HOO!!!
I got the flu because I was taking care of my kids 5 1/2 weeks while my HUSBAND worked!
Are you serious?!?!?!
*rolls eyes and sighs*
Whatthefuckever!
5 1/2 weeks of seeing your husband only at bedtime is no where near single motherhood!!!
While your husband was working long summer hours, to support his family, he still was present daily.
Furthermore, you still got the whole check!!
Single moms don’t have the luxury of doing all of the work and getting all of the check…and we STILL do it anyway!!
Single moms are lucky if we get the 20% that we are legally allotted!!
You are a typical mommy blogger–a nagging whiner!
Look @ it like this…
You have a husband that works, at all cost, to take care of his family!!
While he’s out doing whatever it takes, you are doing whatever it takes also.
What’s the big deal, it’s life!
Ugh!!
Just what single moms need, one more “happily married” mom’s sympathy while she plays like she can relate!!!
Stick to subject matters that you can relate to like, “I was married when my baby arrived, even though it was still conceived out of wedlock!”
THANKS!
I don’t know what this poster’s problem was, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t have much to do with me. But I will give her credit – one line stuck out at me: “You are a typical mommy blogger – a nagging whiner!”
Do mommy bloggers whine too much? I know I try to show the full range of motherhood – the good, the bad, the ugly, the depressing bits. I don’t hold back. If a particular stage is frustrating me, you know about it.
Do mommy bloggers focus too much on the less glamorous aspects of parenting? Do we need to balance it out and let you know that while the job is exhausting and confusing, it’s also rewarding and worth every headache?
the internet is a public place and therefore must be treated as such. Just like in life, ppl of certain background and classes stick together so it is the same on the net. its the old saying birds of a feather flock together. imho,after the oprah show aired and mommy’s started spilling their guts on blogs, motherhood in general took a big hit. blog with integrity and stick with your own group. i read all different mommy bloggers but as a young single mom there are times when i really dont see what all the whining is about.the mommy wars will continue.
First of all, I despise the term, “mommy bloggers”. I think it lumps every mom with a blog into one generic category that many of us simply don’t fit. Secondly, I don’t think any one large group of people can be accused of anything specific, such as whining too much. Third, it sounds like the person who left you comments is not only a whiner but also extremely bitter about not having a man with a paycheck AND a big chicken for hiding her identity. And finally, if anyone doesn’t like any particular blog, they don’t have to read it.
Hi,
I was just browsing and found the site. I don’t know if mommy bloggers are whiners, because I don’t read a lot of mommy blogs. I will say this however, neither side can really appreciate the other side (unless you have had both). My husband has had jobs where he traveled, and I often felt like a single mom during that time. Particularly because I had 2 children under 4. At times I was even resentful – why be married if I have to do it alone?
I have to admit though, after reading STFU comments, I understand her perspective (assuming it is a her). Parenting becomes a part of you, married or not. You do what you have to do and what you can do. When you are partnered, you have the option to balance those needs and it becomes second nature. When you are single you juggle those needs and they too become second nature.
I can understand that the comments, while meant to be complimentary, may have been perceived the same way I perceive the comments from some of my non-Blacks when they address a group of Black women and say “OMG yall’s houses are so clean, I don’t see how yall do it.” or ” your children are so polite and well mannered, yall really have them under control”. I really have to bite my tongue to keep from saying “WTH did you expect?” As if we would have houses where your feet stuck to the floor and children that acted like they grew up in a jungle. I find it incredibly difficult to say “Thank you”
@Black, Married, Working w/2Kids – First of all, thanks for commenting. I appreciate it! I understand STFU’s perspective too, which is why I’m not hestiant to put her comments out there. She has her views, I have mine.
But I don’t understand how my post, which said that I was struggling with how much work it is to parent by yourself, comes off as, “OMG HOW DO YOU SINGLE MOTHERS DO IT???? YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE AND YOUR KIDS ARE WELL TAKEN CARE OF? OMG!!!” LOL. I understand that no matter your circumstances, you will do the best you can for your kids.
But my point is that not every mom started out with the goal of raising the kids by herself. At one point (however brief) there had to be a dad in the picture. When he didn’t step up, then she did, continuing to do everything that she needed to do to provide for the kids and make sure they grew up happy, healthy and loved. THAT’s where my WOW came in. WOW to the strength of women who MAKE IT WORK no matter the situation. WOW to women who take a deep breath and pick up where the man in their lives left off. How is that insulting?
Maybe my vision is different because I haven’t truly lived the life, but I don’t get it. Thanks for trying to “open my eyes.” *smile*
Tara, as a single mom, I think that your vision is right on point!! See, its all the close mindedness that pisses me off. You were very right in your observation that what this woman said really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her pent up frustrations, anger and insecurity in her role as a single mother because she views it as a closed catergory. No category is ever really closed. Single moms can become married ones and married moms can become single ones, and that ain’t even the most important point to point out. A mother’s “struggles” with parenthood is universal because parenthood is always a learning experience and that transcends marital status.
A mother should not be viewed as a whiner just because she keeps it all the way real in her blogging!!!!!!!! While some chose to pretend that motherhood is 100% struggle free, some of us know live in reality and we write about it. By voicing your stuggles, networking is a possibility and that is what happens here on this particular blog. There should be no hard feelings from any single mother toward a married one just because she is questioning why she is doing all the care work. Hell, if anything, since us single moms know how it is on a daily basis, we should be more in a place of encouragement. So let me be the first single mommy to address you Tara and say, girl, I feel your struggles! And you will get through each of them! And if you need some tips on how to deal with certain things then just holla =)
Okay, as a single mother, I have two different opinions here…
1st, I wouldn’t call it whinning. I actually find it comforting when I read about other mom’s who are honest in saying every aspect of parenting isn’t all that enjoyable. That they too have time when their limits have been pushed over the edge. That they cry from being frustrated and worn out at times. Probably makes me sound cruel for liking to read about other mothers going through those things, but I find it comforting because I know I’m not the only one who feels that way/goes through those things. I honestly don’t think I coud read a blog that was all about “omg, my child is the best in the world, I never let him/her stress me out, parenting is blissfully blissful” or some mess like that, LOL!
2ndly, I can kind of see where STFU was coming from even though her approach was all wrong and truly childish. You experienced 5 1/2 weeks of doing it on your own. Single mothers get that 52 weeks out of the year. While your hubby was out working late, at least he was working and doing something to help support the family instead of just hanging out with the fellas or something. So while you have two incomes and can plan for retirement, I’m struggling trying to figure out how I’m going to pay next month’s rent and keep my son in day care. I can’t even count on reliable child support. If you lost your job, you guys could still get by because you still have an extra income there, single parents don’t have that option. So I can see her point in that, though again, her approach was all wrong!
I’m not bitter or going to attack you for complaining about how hard you had it. Heck, I even say to you at times, “I don’t see how YOU do it”. Having a husband is like having another kid and we all know I don’t want another one of those, LOL. I don’t like it when I write my notes/blogs on FB and people pity me afterwards. That’s not why I write them, I write them just to vent and let people know that I’m human and I do struggle. I think that’s all you were doing and in the process, you gave a compliment. Obviously she is one of the women who don’t know how to take one.
So that’s my take on it, but please, don’t stop making me feel normal lol
@Courtney – And see, that’s why I began my post with that disclaimer about not claiming to be a single mother. I didn’t want anyone to get it confused – I know that my situation is temporary and now that the summer program is over, I can breathe a little easier. I understand all that.
What I DON’T like (and I’m not a single mom, so please know I’m speaking from my experience as a married mom) is when single moms get all huffy like what they do is no big deal. Raising a kid by yourself is a BIG DAMN DEAL. It’s HARD. That’s why it takes two to make one! I know it might be a defense mechanism and that’s how they have to look at it in order to not get bogged down by the weight of it all. But like I said in a previous comment, I doubt 75% of the single moms today actually planned it that way. They are doing the single mom thing out of necessity, because some guy didn’t step up and handle his responsibility. That in no way reflects poorly on you. By stepping up to minimize that void, that gets one big ol’ “WOW” from me.
Not to say that I couldn’t do it or wouldn’t do it, but the fact is that I don’t have to, so when I see single moms surviving and thriving I’m in awe. To see single moms do it gives me no excuse not to push myself a little harder, to read one more bedtime story, to cook dinner instead of stopping at KFC, to wash and fold the clothes even when I want to go to sleep.
I said all that to say that I think single moms are incredibly strong, resilient women and I think the world of you all.
As unfortunate as that comment was, at the very least, it opened the pathway for intelligent dialogue between the “single mother” and the “married mother.”
I know other single mothers and I’ve told them how much I admire what they do because of the struggles that I have as a married mother. And while I always convey that message in a shroud of admiration, I must admit that there is a bit of sympathy there. I never considered that it may be offensive to them that I have those feelings of sympathy towards them.
On the other hand, sharing these stories puts you in a very vulnerable position. You are sharing things about your life, successes, and shortcomings. I think there was a way for her to provide an alternative perspective without being bitter and hurtful. The other commenters on this post did – and it was much more enlightening than her rant.
@New Mama – Thanks for your comment! I keep telling myself I have to stop by your blog – tonight I promise!
Like I was telling a friend today, I do not mind if you don’t agree with me – just be rational about it and have some intelligent points to make. That’s all I ask. I had no idea single moms could view what I said as hurtful or as pity. I thought I was giving a compliment. But you never know until you have those discussions, which is why I posted STFU’s comment – to bring some intelligence to the conversation….
Dear STFU
STFU
you don’t like what you read, don’t read it, move on.
signed –
mommyvents – a proud whining mommy blogger
@feener – Hey there! Welcome back!
You know, I would never say someone is WHINING on their blog. Your blog is a perfect example – you vent, you don’t whine. Whining is, “Oh, woe is me! Nothing ever goes right for me! My life sucks! Why is this happening to meeeeeeeee?” Venting is, “Oh, chile – let me tell you about the day I just had….” There IS a difference and I have rarely read a blog post by a whining mother.
I feel you. Remember my post called “No offense but…” where I said there should be 2 labels: single mothers and primary mothers? I think I sent you the rude note someone posted in response to that. I clearly opened the note up by saying, “this is not to offend or take any credit away from the hard work primary mothers do BUT…”
Every mother is different. A married mother with 4 kids may obviously struggle more than a single mother with 2 or vise versa. It’s all in how you choose to deal with your situation. I didn’t plan to be a single mom, but I think I’m one of the best darn single mothers out there. Do I get a lil envious when I see kids with fathers in their lives? I’d be a lie if I said no, but I’m not bitter because I’m blessed and a stronger person now!
You wrote a post that sparked interest, emotion, AND comments – I say, bravo! 😉 There is a way to comment respectfully, esp since it’s YOUR freakin’ blog! I’ve seen it done once or twice before, so I know it’s possible. No healthy debate is going to come from defensiveness, sarcasm, and a lot of darn exclamation points!!!! You made valid points in your original post. Your new “friend” could’ve also made valid points in hers. I just couldn’t get to them through all the anger.
Signed, a whiny and married mommy blogger.
Actually, I was not comparing the content of your comments to the comments made by some non-blacks. I was comparing the context. The context being that they mean it to be complimentary, but the insinuation is that their expectations were different.
If a women is a single mother (for whatever reason, and today many women do it by choice – not circumstance), her focus would/should be “why would I NOT do these things for my family – hard or not. This is my child.” To commend someone for doing what they feel should be done can be considered an insult. Additionally, to give voice to the hardships that accompany fulfilling those responsibilities for a brief time would come across as complaining/whining to someone who fulfills those responsibilities all the time.
ST’s message may have been harsh in its delivery, but I understand her perspective. Being a full-time mom until my sons were school age while my husband worked, I understand yours as well.
@Black, Married, Working w/ 2 Kids – It’s cool. We can just agree to disagree.
I have no problem with differing viewpoints – I have mine, other people have theirs. It’s still cool.
And BTW, I too was a 20-something mom with 2 children (3 if you count hubby) and no friends who had a clue, and no family close by. It is HARD work if you have pride in what you do, but it pays off. Now my sons are 10 and 13 and my husband and I are dating again. Those first years are rough, but they do get easier.
@Black, Married, Working w/ 2Kids – I bet those first few years were rough!
But I’m glad to see you all are dating – keeps it fresh – exciting!
I see you made it by! Thanks, I really appreciate it! Love this conversation and love the subsequent post about taking compliments. Perfect timing! Lol.
I have been a married mum and a single mum so I can see both sides. I think STFU came across a bit rudely but I’m going to cut her some slack because she was probably having one of those really stressed out days. What is wrong with whining anyway? I don’t care who you are, everyone has a bad day and needs to get stuff off their chest once in a while. Don’t take it to heart. Everyone has their own opinion.
@Kerree – Thanks for commenting!
I do agree that everyone has a bad day at least every once in a while. I think my issue is that she said I was “whining.” I don’t “whine” – whining is what my two-year-old does when she can’t get her way. I vent. Venting is when you get things off your chest in an effort to feel better. I must be crazy, but I honestly wish she would comment again, or I could get her e-mail or something so I can see exactly what’s going on there. She sounded incredibly stressed…
That post was ridiculous and it definitely wasn’t about “you,” per se. She was clearly projecting her own “stuff” onto the nearest available victim, and for whatever reason ure post that day happened to push that button for her, which released the floodgates.
Mom bloggers = whiners? Whatev!
She’s just bitter. Single mothers should absolutely be recognized for their hard work. But that doesn’t mean mothers with a partner shouldn’t be recognized. Are mommy bloggers whiners? NO. For the majority of us, blogging is what provides us with an outlet…something that prevents us from becoming a “typical nag.” I’m sure “STFU”, as she likes to call herself, doesn’t have a healthy outlet she uses to blow off steam. She’d rather read mommy blogs and make fun of them.
You’d think with her chaotic, single mother schedule, she could find a better way to spend her time. Sad really.