While out shopping recently, my daughter and I started talking about my sister’s newborn baby, and how excited we were to see him again soon. Talk of his little fingers and toes quickly turned into how babies are made and my pregnancy eight short years ago.
“Mommy, did you want me? So you wanted a baby and then you got pregnant, right?” she asked me. Without blinking I reached over, rubbed her cheek and said, yes of course, I wanted you.
That was the response of a 28-year-old Mother—the protector, who fell in love with her baby girl as soon as she laid eyes on her on a sunny September afternoon. My response came from years of making memories with such a special little girl, who’s opened up my eyes to the world in a different way, and fills my heart with so much joy and happiness.
Eight years ago, at the age of 19, living in a friend’s apartment and working as a waitress with no real plans for the future I found out I was pregnant. My immediate feelings were anything but joy as I thought of the life growing inside my belly. At 19, I was absolutely without a doubt sure I didn’t want a baby.
But, there I found myself, in an empty apartment staring at a positive pregnancy test—frozen, scared, and alone. Don’t get me wrong, I understood how I got to that point, I was reckless, and did not want to take responsibility for my actions. I had a decision to make, and either way it would be life changing. And now, eight years later I couldn’t imagine my life without my baby girl.
I often catch myself looking at my daughter; I’m in awe of her beauty, her grace, her smile, her warmth. And I feel guilty. Guilty that I even thought I didn’t want this wonderful child. It hurts my heart knowing that had I made a different decision I wouldn’t be a mother to the most amazing gift I was ever given. It’s hard to break free of that guilt, and as I sit here crying writing the remainder of this post I know that I can’t hold myself in this prison of guilt anymore. That scared 19-year-old who spent the majority of her pregnancy depressed and scared, has grown and blossomed into a woman and damn good mother, whose past doesn’t define who she is.
I’m proud of that 19-year old that made the most difficult decision on her life, with little support. She was and is amazing and hopefully one day she’ll fully realize her strength.
Wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing your truthful experience with us, I am touched and proud as to how you have overcome. You are a lucky mom to have your beautiful girl.
This post made me cry….as a single mother who got pregnant young and “unplanned” as well I often think about when my daughter asks me this question. I think you handled it perfectly and she will always know how wanted and loved she is!
It was very touching but you’re way too hard on yourself. I was a happily married, 29 year old and I still said “Oh no…”. 4 years later, I was a 33 year old happily married with 1 child and actively trying and my first words looking at the stick were “Oh sugar”. It’s a scary thing to be a mommy and I’m sure you’re a great one!
Thanks for sharing! I can totally relate. The first time I became pregnant I dealt with it fairly well. The 2nd time not so much!! I also dealt with that guilt of almost deciding not to have my little girl. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I cried every time I thought of terminating my pregnancy. 3yrs later I’m yet holding on. My daughter is a ball of energy. Every time I look at her I think to myself “what if”. I held her this morning when I woke up. I know without a doubt I am beyond blessed. I am surely grateful for the grace and mercy the Lord bestows upon me every day. Truly!!!!
Beautiful post. The same feelings can come from a working professional who also finds themselves in the same position. Even though the financial situation is different, it’s the idea that you are now responsible for a new life. We planned for our children, but I cannot say how many times I was scared about the future before my daughter was born. I look at her (and now her brother) and know everything was worth it.
This was such a touching post. I loved reading it. Motherhood is such a beautiful experience but it comes with challenges. It is always great to hear women reflect and openly share their joys and challenges. It makes a difference in so many lives. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
Beautifully written Alex! Finding out you’re pregnant is such a life altering moment and even more so if it’s unplanned. I can definitely relate to having mixed emotions having had two unplanned pregnancies, but at the end of the day I love the woman that my kids have helped me to become. I’m realizing that I’m stronger than I ever could have I imagined I was and so are you!