My kitchen is always dirty. Always. No matter if I clean as I go while I’m cooking dinner, or if I put the dishes in the dishwasher before I go to bed, or if I clear off the counter before I start cooking. It just stays a mess.

And I’ve given up, really, trying to keep it pristine. I think it’s a waste of my energy at this point.

Right now, I’m focused on many other things. I’m appreciating where I am right now in life, and how much everything has changed in just five short years. We’re growing as a family, but most importantly, we’re growing stronger. It’s beautiful, really.

I realized that my family will either sink or swim based on me. They follow my lead. If Mama is sad or overwhelmed, they feel it. If I’m happy and content, they are as well.

So I’ve been making a conscious effort to be patient and to view all my so-called “issues” as blessings. For example…

If my living room is a mess, that means my kids love to play.

If my bedroom is a mess, I’m grateful that I have a decent sized bedroom and lots of clothes.

When I see dirty dishes in the sink, instead of sighing and cursing the fact that we are forever running the dishwasher, I will be grateful that we have a dishwasher. Dirty dishes mean we eat regularly.

If I feel exhausted, I will try to remember that this is what building a legacy is about. Long hours, big projects.

When my kids drive me crazy with their 1,563th request for something, I will admire their persistence instead of fussing under my breath.

If I chose to look at everything through a more positive lens, then eventually, it will become habit. And then those daily annoyances will instead be small reminders of how good life actually is.

I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. Well, that’s sugar-coating things. Quite a bit.

Since I was laid off, my self-esteem took a hit. At first, things were good because my kids didn’t immediately come out of daycare.

I had a few weeks where I was able to get up and do whatever I wanted to occupy my mind and distract me from the fact that I was let go from a job where I thought I was making a difference. Plus, I was still getting paid.

But then the kids came out of daycare.

I received my last severance check.

And suddenly it felt like I was on my own. For real, this time.

The fear of not being able to provide for my family, to not have a sense of direction anymore, to be overwhelmed by the tasks I assumed as a work-at-home mom with no babysitter – it was getting to me. Big time. And I didn’t like it.

So I decided to take a cue from Denise and begin to look at my blessings. At first, I was reluctant. “I don’t feel like smiling, don’t feel like being positive,” I told myself. Can’t I just wallow in this self-pity for a minute? Damn.

But wallowing in self-pity gets me feeling unproductive and for me, THAT’S the worst feeling I can have. So I began to list everything I felt I should be grateful for:

• My kids. They are beyond a doubt the best little people in whole world. I love them more than anything and being home with them is challenging, but I won’t ever get to do this again. My daughter starts school in the fall and from there? They just continue to get older. So this is my “last chance” for full-on involvement in their daily lives. Gotta be grateful for that.
• My husband. He’s here, ain’t he? LOL. He’s a great support system and he’s getting better at determining when I need to be counseled or when I just need to be held.
• My family. On days when I’m feeling particularly low, like I’m not doing anything particularly well, they come to my rescue. What every (young) mom needs.
• My bank account. I stress about money every single minute of every single day, but the fact is, our bills somehow get paid. Sometimes I check my balance and I swear my money is multiplying because there’s no way I should have that much. Seriously. I’ve done my budget a bunch of times and we should be just squeaking by. But we’re not. Which is miraculous.
• My choices. I have choices right now. I could apply for jobs, or I could focus on school, or I could just be a stay-at-home mom. All of these choices are stressing me out because I want to make sure I make the right ones. I am terrified that my decisions might  negatively affect my family. But my future is mine. It’s what I choose. That should make anyone rejoice.

This little exercise comforted me and gave me confidence that I am on the right path, my life is GOOD, and whatever fear I’m feeling right now is the prelude to something magnificent. Every morning I wake up and say to myself, “Something good, something positive is on its way to my life.” I feel it and I am ready.

Go ahead and share – what are you grateful for?

Why did I choose this photo to illustrate this post? A couple reasons, but this one in particular:

This photo was taken last year on a lazy Saturday. I decided to lay down for a minute, give them a few precious moments to play together before I had to separate them for naptime.

I flip through a magazine, proud of myself for taking a moment to relax before the inevitable fight that is the daily naptime battle. I get up a few minutes later and I see the scene you see in front of you.

Because I am a social media junkie, I immediately snapped a picture and uploaded it to Facebook. “Look what my kids did,” was the intent.

But in looking at that picture now, I see something different. Yes, I still see a crazy messy room, but in examining the picture more closely, I see books. Lots and lots of books. The 30 or so books strewn around the room are actually only a fraction of the books they have.

One of the lessons I want to teach my kids is the love of reading for pleasure, not just because a teacher assigned something. By surrounding my babies with tons of books, allowing them to see me reading, taking them to the library – all that is getting us toward the goal. It’s one of the reasons I’m able to look at that photo and see success, not just another mess for me to clean up.

We all need to step back occasionally and feel like we are making some type of headway with our kids. Because we worry and we wonder: Are we teaching them the right things? Am I focusing on them enough? Are they happy? Because really, how can you tell?

I think I might have an answer for you. Check out self-checks below:

1. Your kid smiles. A lot. Kids are naturally happy, boisterous little people. But as they go through different phases, they can become moody and cranky (especially if certain needs aren’t met). But for the most part, if you’re doing your job as a mom, all the reassurance you need is right there on your kids’ lips. I have one friend Alex whose daughter is forever smiling. Every picture I see, I can count all her teeth. Alex might wonder if she’s doing a great job, but I don’t even have to ask. The proof is there.

2. You catch them mastering the lessons you taught them when they don’t think you’re listening. Ask any mom and one of the best “perks” of this gig is when your kid first says “Thank you” unprompted. Or when they call you out for using words like “stupid” or “shut up.” They are absorbing what you say and spitting it back out into the world. Your little lumps of clay are taking form.

3. Your instincts don’t lie. Take a few minutes and just be honest with yourself. Do you feel like a good mother? Do you shower your kids with love and affection? Do you go to bed most nights feeling like you’ve done your best? You know better than anyone whether you are doing a great job and more than likely, the answer is going to be “Yes.”

How do you know if you’re doing a great job? Share your comments below!

by Nicole Lynn Lewis

On Saturday, I sat in the bleachers of a middle school gym watching my daughter’s basketball game with the other team parents. One of the mothers is reading my book Glori, which chronicles my experience of putting myself through college as a teen mom despite homelessness, a drug infested environment, and an oppressive relationship. She told me she loved the book so far – couldn’t put it down. In fact, it reminded her in many ways of her own experiences – good and bad. We talked about that for a while. Then she added, “I wish I had your drive.”

Those who know me well know that this kind of thing makes me want to hide under a rock. I definitely have drive. I actually like to call it bull-headedness. I try not to let fear get in the way of the things I’m passionate about.

When I was a 19-year-old new mom – broke and homeless – fearlessness and dedication helped me pursue a college degree. Now a married mother of two, that same fearlessness is helping me launch a new nonprofit organization that helps other teen parents achieve their own success. But I believe – truly – that we all have that “drive.” We just have to overcome our fears and use some of that bullheadedness to let it shine.

I founded Generation Hope in 2010 and it has been a whirlwind ever since. I remember sitting in my husband’s “man cave” having a heart-to-heart about what God was calling me to do next. My response was “pay the bills,” but my husband didn’t necessarily agree. He told me to pray about it and think about it, and the very next morning, I woke up and wrote the business plan for Generation Hope. Hours later, I “hired” my first employee, and days later I recruited our first board member.

I was scared. It was uncharted territory. It would be difficult for many reasons, including the crummy economy. And, honestly, at the end of the day, I would be putting myself out there – knowing the door would often be slammed in my face – and that’s a scary thing.

But I’m passionate about Generation Hope because I know the importance of young parents enrolling in and completing college. I know the difference a college degree will make in their lives, in their children’s lives, and in our communities. I also know how great it feels to accomplish a dream – and I want to help others experience that feeling.

I often tell young mothers to concentrate on being the best mother they can be to their children and everything else will fall into place. Being the best mother includes being the best person you can be – and being someone that your children can be proud of. I hope that the things I do each and every day make my daughters, Nerissa and Naya, proud and confident in their own abilities. I hope it unleashes in them the drive that we all have inside.

So don’t let your fears keep you from doing the things that you’re passionate about. Be bullheaded. Your kids will thank you one day. I promise.

Nicole Lynn Lewis is an author and nationally-known speaker and the CEO of Generation Hope, a nonprofit organization that reduces the number of families living in poverty by providing direct sponsorship and support to teen parents who are attending college in the Washington, D.C. area. This month, Generation Hope is competing in the Pepsi Refresh Project for a $50,000 grant. Watch the video below and vote each day in January. For more information, please visit the blog.

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This past weekend, I went to Borders to meet up with a writer buddy/mommy friend of mine. We let it all out and talked about any and everything: the kids, the husband, the career, our fears, our hopes and dreams, our desires.

We made good conversation for more than three hours, barely noticing the darkening sky outside. It was heavenly. I was able to get some things off my chest, help my friend get a better glimpse of herself and her bright future, and just spend some time child-free and husband-free.

It felt so good we decided to make this a monthly thing.

Afterward, I walked to my car, unlocked the door and got in. As I went to flick on my headlights, I hesitated, because I realized I wasn’t sure which button to push or which lever to pull.

I realized I hadn’t been in my car at night in quite some time. I’m always home before the sun set.  Always. 

During the 10-minute drive home, all types of thoughts went through my head. How happy I was to be able to share with a friend who is also a writer, a mom, a wife, and who went to the same school as I did. How energized I felt, knowing that the kids would be asleep when I got home and the whole bedtime struggle/dance/routine would be delayed for another night. How wonderful it felt to just be a woman.

 Truthfully? I can’t wait for the next one. It re-energized me, when I was struggling as a mom and a wife and an employee. I needed that “me time” to reflect on how much my life has changed. Sounds cliche, but it helped me be a better mom.

What about you? Do you have something that serves as a “girls night out”? How do you release stress?

Ever since my kids were born, I’ve prayed every single day. Without fail, there’s some communication between me and the big guy. Or is that Big Guy? 

Usually I pray about little things. Please let today be a good day. Please let me know what it is I need to do if something goes wrong. Please let me make it to work on time.

But then sometimes I pray about the big things. Please show me if  I’m doing the right thing by these kids. Please let our marriage stay strong, despite the strains parenthood is placing on it. Please guide us as we try to build a solid financial foundation for our family.

I’ve found that prayer helps me. It helps to release all the stress I’m carrying around, all the problems that I’ve yet found the answers to.

There’s simply too much in my day, too much in my life, too much in my world, for me to feel like I have to tackle it all on my own. Having that invisible net of faith makes me feel like if I slip, I definitely won’t fall.

How has prayer played a part in your life, either before or since you had kids?

Being a mom sometimes means your flaws are in the spotlight because your babies are your walking, talking, breathing reflection.

You show your frustration, all of a sudden they’ve got their hands on their hips and are mimicking your tone of voice.

I know, after having my daughter (who is truly my mini-me), that one of my biggest problems is my impatience. When I ask for help, I’d like it to be done NOW, not five minutes from now.

Now that I am the first female role model my daughter has, I feel like it’s my duty to become the best person I can be on a daily basis to give her a good sense of what a real woman is like. It’s an ongoing progress, but every day I get a tiny bit closer to the woman I want to be.

Do you feel you are the best you can be right now? What can you do to accept and fix your flaws?

At the end of the day, you want nothing more than to kick off your shoes, slip into something more comfortable, drink some tea (or wine) and relax. If you’re lucky, you might have someone to give you a foot rub or a back rub. Maybe they’ll even give you some words of encouragement, tell you what a great job you’re doing.

Ask yourself: Who is standing on the sidelines in your life, giving you the personal chants and cheers that get you riled up and ready to tackle the next important thing in your life? Who is the person you can call when things get rough and you need a little pep talk?

Is it your mom? Your aunt? Grandma? Dad? Your husband or boyfriend?

What if you don’t have one? What if you are going at this alone?

You’re going to have to be your own cheerleader.

Sounds rough, but everyone should be their own cheerleader anyway. Make yourself your favorite meal after a long week. Buy yourself one of those massage pads that tie to the chair for an instant back massage whenever you want one. Get some new nail polish and treat yourself to a mini mani-pedi.

Make sure you do something for yourself that says, “You are fab-u-lous!”  Because if you don’t, who will?

When I had my daughter, I took a childbirth class taught by a woman I like to call Miss Thou Shalt Not Have an Epidural Under Any Circumstances. I didn’t listen to her advice much after she stated her views on the life-saving epidural, but she said one thing to us that I always recall when things get too crazy and overwhelming:

“When you get upset or feel frustrated and don’t know what to do, remember this: You’ve already done the hard part. You created life. Your body created another body. You made a brain, you made a heart, you made skin. You created a PERSON. You are already an extraordinary mom, because you’ve done the hard part. Figuring out why the baby is crying has GOT to be easier than creating a brain, right?”

For some reason, this soothed me. I mean, think about it: You created something no one else has been able to create outside the human body. Do you realize how complex our brains are? It’s the earth’s fastest, most capable computer. And you MADE ONE. Wow.

It means no matter what life throws at you, you are capable of doing it. It’s inside you, just like creating life. 

Go ahead and pat yourselves on the back now. You earned it.

I’ve come to accept the fact that – for the time being at least - I am always going to be tired.

Kids are a lot of work, especially when you have little ones. I can’t even imagine the day when my daughter no longer needs me to do the little things for her, like pour her juice, change her diaper, put on her shoes. Because that is what my life is like now – just an endless loop of requests, chores, demands.

So if this sounds anything like your life, know that you’re not alone. We’re all exhausted, trying to do the hardest job on Earth while running on five hours of sleep. Oh boy.

It may not be easy now, but one day we’ll be able to sleep. One day, we can wake up on Saturday, get some breakfast and then head back to sleep until noon. One day, we will be able to go to bed around nine if we want to. One day, we will be able to stay in bed all day, watching movies and drinking wine. (How wonderful would THAT be?)

But for now, let’s try to enjoy this when we’re needed the most.

I’m very big on to-do lists. I make lists for everything: groceries to buy, projects to do, cleaning to be done, etc. But I do get discouraged because it seems like I never cross off everything on my list! There’s always something left over. It’s like some cruel joke that, in my world, there are only 22 hours in a day. 

But truthfully, we all get the same amount of time each day. It all depends on how we use it. Do you check e-mail too much, or are you spending more than an hour a day on AIM? Is Facebook part of your early morning ritual? (I admit, I have a serious Facebook addiction. I should  probably get that checked out.)   

Then there’s the flip side. We’re so focused on work and the kids and the husband (or boyfriend or girlfriend) that we don’t even do anything for ourselves. When you’re making those lists, make sure you schedule some “me time” in there too. Because if you don’t, you’ll be even more burned out at the end of day. 

Getting it all done is a challenge, but you can do it.

Most of the time, being a mom seems like a thankless job. Admit it, you never really realized how hard it was for your mom, until you could step into her shoes and see what she had been dealing with all this time. Unfortunately for you, your kids probably won’t appreciate you fully for a few years. And that’s okay. Kids are too absorbed in their own world to realize the hard work and effort that goes into keeping them happy, healthy and safe. Let that go.

So I’m here to tell you that I do appreciate you. While I don’t even know you, I know by the simple fact that you’re reading this, that you do care about the health and well-being of your kids. And I know it’s hard. Hard because you may not have the support system that is critical for moms under 25. Hard because you’re probably not where you want to be in your career. Hard because you might be going this alone. Hard because you simply are inexperienced.

But guess what? You’re doing it anyway and you’re doing a damn good job. Even though the odds are stacked against you, you still manage to get up out of bed every day and make it happen. You still want the best for your kids and you work hard to make sure they get it.

So please know that I do appreciate you – for all that you do.

It’s easy to feel like a failure as a mother, especially when you haven’t been doing it long.

You lose your patience, you fail to recognize the signs of an oncoming illness, you realize your kid has their shoes on the wrong feet (and they have been all day). Piled together these situations, while innocent, can make even the most self-assured mom second-guess herself.

But what’s important is that you don’t dwell on your mistakes.

Everyday, you wake up and try to do what’s best for your child. Occasionally, you will fall short. It happens. To EVERYONE.

You have to assure yourself that you are the best mother that you can be. Don’t aim for perfection, because it simply doesn’t exist.

From the very beginning of your journey, the road ahead has looked impossible. Many questions probably flowed through your mind: How am I going to support this child? Am I ready to effectively end any selfish behavior I may have? Am I ready to  wake up and not be as concerned about my own well-being, but my child’s? In short, am I ready to be a mother?

No matter where you are in this journey, whether you just found out you’re pregnant, slogging through the first few months of motherhood, or finally feeling a sense of relief as you march past your child’s first birthday, there are always times when you will feel overwhelmed. It’s natural and happens to the best of us.

One day you’ll be thanking your lucky stars that you were blessed with these wonderful children. Other days might find you screaming in your head, “I did NOT sign up for this!”

When you have those moments of self-doubt, do two things: One, breathe. Two, remember that children are not children for long. They do, in fact, grow up. They will not always need you in the same way. You might not love being a living, breathing butt-wiper and no amount of time will change that fact. That’s fine. But know that one day, your children will be adults, with children of their own, possibly. All you will have left of them are memories.

You’ll be able to smile at the memory of your son pooping on every single brand-new outfit you put on him. How you now eat every single meal in 5 minutes or less, having gotten used to it during the early stages of motherhood. How you can do more than 4 things at a time and have halfway decent results.

Motherhood is hard, we all know that. Sadly, it will never get easier.  Your kids will continue to get sick, they will be extremely picky eaters, they will resist potty training. The trick to it is learning how to deal with the situations that come your way. It will never get easier, but YOU will get better. You will come to know when your child’s fever is worth the trip to the doctor or if some Tylenol will do. You will learn that your child’s screaming fits aren’t because they’re simply being bad, but because they are hungry. You’ll learn that keeping apple juice in the house helps keep the peace.

This WILL get better. This, too, shall pass.