I haven’t done an “Ask the Readers” post in a while. Here’s one that needs your immediate attention:

Hi Young Mommy,

I am a 24-year-old mother who is fed up. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. He went away to school and cheated on me and didnt tell me about it until my son turned 1. If he would have told me when it occured I would have already left and we would not have a child together.

He’s the only one I’ve ever been with and I love him, but he’s also a big baby. He whines about everything. I feel like the man in my relationship. He smokes and raps (2 things I hate). We drive each other crazy and it is affecting my son and my school work. What to do?

Signed,

Can’t Take It Any More

Dear CTIAM,

You sound like mentally you are ready to leave – you just want confirmation it’s the right decision. I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but your situation is not that uncommon. I’ve heard from sooo many moms who were in your shoes. In a relationship with their first love and still in the relationship out of a sense of obligation, not necessarily out of love and devotion.

The first thing I want you to ask yourself: Are you happy in this relationship? Don’t answer too quickly. Sometimes we say “Yes” or “No” before we really understand what happiness really looks like for us. Let me ask you this: When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first emotion you usually feel? When he calls you on the phone, do you race to pick it up or do you let it go to voicemail because you just don’t feel like dealing with his nonsense right that second? Be honest with yourself. Again, I ask, are you happy? Are you happy with him?

It sounds like you are not over the fact that he cheated. Did you ever get closure from that? Have you two talked it out? Did he apologize and promise not to do it again? If he did, do you believe him? If you truly feel the trust has been broken with no hopes of ever fully mending it…I think you know where I’m going with that.

You say he is a big baby. You might think he needs to grow up and be, well, a man. You want him to quit smoking and quit rapping and become more responsible, right?Well, let me tell you this – he will not change. At least, not because you want him to.  These kinds of changes are driven from within. So you might be banging your head against the wall trying to get him to see things your way.

Instead of trying to change him, focus on what YOU can change. Can you change how you respond to him when he does things that push your buttons? Instead of asking him to quit smoking, can you ask that he only does it outside? And then, give him some clothes to change into once he’s finished. Start small.

The most important thing I think in this whole situation is that you two have a kid together. So, even if you decide you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, you are still going to be attached to him in some way. My question is how can you build better relationship skills? I’d recommend checking out the resources at WeParent.com or Coparenting101.org. You can learn from real-life couples how they managed to behave cordially once the relationship was over. It will not be an overnight process, but you can make it work.

You have a little guy to look out for and your heart to protect. Guard both fiercely. Keep pressing forward in your school work and shield your son from as much of the emotional strife as possible.

This is a hard decision, but ultimately, it’s yours to make. We wish you the best in whatever you choose.

What do you think, YML family?  Do you have any advice to add?

If you have any interest in co-parenting, there’s someone you need to know. Well, two people.

Deesha.

And Michael.

Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas are exes. Ex-husband and wife to be exact. Nothing too noteworthy there. But what IS noteworthy is the lengths they will go to make sure life for their kids is the best they can offer.

They created Coparenting101.org after their marriage went south. As they say on the blog,

After our marriage ended, we became the poster-children for divorce amongst our circle of friends and colleagues. We wished we could have been the poster children for successful marriage, but it didn’t work out that way…

They are the TRUTH when it comes to this co-parenting arrangement. They are both re-married, with multiple kids and they are masters (yes, I’m going to go there) at making it work.

Check out some of these articles on their blog and tell me if they don’t sing to you.

Why You Must Cooperate With Your Ex

I Cannot Get My Ex to Call Me or Email Me Info About Our Son

Everything I Know About Coparenting, I Learned In Kindergarten

In addition to the website, they also host a weekly radio show on various co-parenting topics. One of my favorite episodes was the one with Sheree Fletcher, businesswoman and entrepreneur. She is also Will Smith’s ex-wife and co-parenting partner.

So there you have it, ladies. Want to learn more? Go to Coparenting101.org for more! And tell ‘em the Young Mommy sent you!

This is so refreshing.

A politican who isn’t afraid to let us into his own flawed, less-than-perfect background, but instead invites us in to stay awhile. Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama (you have no idea how much I enjoyed typing that) spoke yesterday at a Chicago church about the need for black fathers (parents in general) to step up to the plate of responsibility and nuture our youth.

“They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it,” Obama said. “I resolved many years ago that it was my obligation to break the cycle – that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father to my girls.”

Obama, whose father left him and his mother when he was 2 and made fleeting appearances in his life thereafter, said he knows firsthand the impact that fatherlessness can have, and how fortunate he was to have the love and support of his grandparents. View the video below.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hj1hCDjwG6M]

I don’t know firsthand the pain that absent fathers can bring. I was raised by both parents. While I have kids, I am married to their father and he comes home every night without fail. But I do realize that all the young mommies I know are single. Every. last. one. Why is that?

For Mother’s Day, my daughter’s daycare center made these elaborate presents for all the moms. My husband looked at it and wondered aloud, “I wonder if they’ll do anything for Father’s Day.”

Well, now we know. The center did in fact do something for Father’s Day, but it wasn’t as fancy. I thought to myself, “That’s probably because there aren’t as many dads to celebrate.”

How horrible is that?  Dads are EXTREMELY important, and I wish more of them realized the vital role they play in their child’s lives.

What do you all think? How can we turn the tide of absent fathers? Does it start with the men or the women?

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=yxS-vbSQhqU]

Since I talk about Jon and Kate Plus 8 so much, here’s a clip of the show to celebrate Father’s Day. In this episode, Jon and Kate play hide-and-seek with the kids and when they can’t find their daddy, they get worried. How cute!