I haven’t done an “Ask the Readers” post in a while. Here’s one that needs your immediate attention:

Hi Young Mommy,

I am a 24-year-old mother who is fed up. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. He went away to school and cheated on me and didnt tell me about it until my son turned 1. If he would have told me when it occured I would have already left and we would not have a child together.

He’s the only one I’ve ever been with and I love him, but he’s also a big baby. He whines about everything. I feel like the man in my relationship. He smokes and raps (2 things I hate). We drive each other crazy and it is affecting my son and my school work. What to do?

Signed,

Can’t Take It Any More

Dear CTIAM,

You sound like mentally you are ready to leave – you just want confirmation it’s the right decision. I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but your situation is not that uncommon. I’ve heard from sooo many moms who were in your shoes. In a relationship with their first love and still in the relationship out of a sense of obligation, not necessarily out of love and devotion.

The first thing I want you to ask yourself: Are you happy in this relationship? Don’t answer too quickly. Sometimes we say “Yes” or “No” before we really understand what happiness really looks like for us. Let me ask you this: When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first emotion you usually feel? When he calls you on the phone, do you race to pick it up or do you let it go to voicemail because you just don’t feel like dealing with his nonsense right that second? Be honest with yourself. Again, I ask, are you happy? Are you happy with him?

It sounds like you are not over the fact that he cheated. Did you ever get closure from that? Have you two talked it out? Did he apologize and promise not to do it again? If he did, do you believe him? If you truly feel the trust has been broken with no hopes of ever fully mending it…I think you know where I’m going with that.

You say he is a big baby. You might think he needs to grow up and be, well, a man. You want him to quit smoking and quit rapping and become more responsible, right?Well, let me tell you this – he will not change. At least, not because you want him to.  These kinds of changes are driven from within. So you might be banging your head against the wall trying to get him to see things your way.

Instead of trying to change him, focus on what YOU can change. Can you change how you respond to him when he does things that push your buttons? Instead of asking him to quit smoking, can you ask that he only does it outside? And then, give him some clothes to change into once he’s finished. Start small.

The most important thing I think in this whole situation is that you two have a kid together. So, even if you decide you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, you are still going to be attached to him in some way. My question is how can you build better relationship skills? I’d recommend checking out the resources at WeParent.com or Coparenting101.org. You can learn from real-life couples how they managed to behave cordially once the relationship was over. It will not be an overnight process, but you can make it work.

You have a little guy to look out for and your heart to protect. Guard both fiercely. Keep pressing forward in your school work and shield your son from as much of the emotional strife as possible.

This is a hard decision, but ultimately, it’s yours to make. We wish you the best in whatever you choose.

What do you think, YML family?  Do you have any advice to add?

This past weekend, I went to Borders to meet up with a writer buddy/mommy friend of mine. We let it all out and talked about any and everything: the kids, the husband, the career, our fears, our hopes and dreams, our desires.

We made good conversation for more than three hours, barely noticing the darkening sky outside. It was heavenly. I was able to get some things off my chest, help my friend get a better glimpse of herself and her bright future, and just spend some time child-free and husband-free.

It felt so good we decided to make this a monthly thing.

Afterward, I walked to my car, unlocked the door and got in. As I went to flick on my headlights, I hesitated, because I realized I wasn’t sure which button to push or which lever to pull.

I realized I hadn’t been in my car at night in quite some time. I’m always home before the sun set.  Always. 

During the 10-minute drive home, all types of thoughts went through my head. How happy I was to be able to share with a friend who is also a writer, a mom, a wife, and who went to the same school as I did. How energized I felt, knowing that the kids would be asleep when I got home and the whole bedtime struggle/dance/routine would be delayed for another night. How wonderful it felt to just be a woman.

 Truthfully? I can’t wait for the next one. It re-energized me, when I was struggling as a mom and a wife and an employee. I needed that “me time” to reflect on how much my life has changed. Sounds cliche, but it helped me be a better mom.

What about you? Do you have something that serves as a “girls night out”? How do you release stress?

Found this little nugget of wisdom on the Finding Erykah blog. I haven’t read all of her posts, but the ones I have read are refreshing honest. A 30something mom with a tween daughter, she has a way with words that makes me pause after sentences, after paragraphs and say to myself, “Hmm. Never thought of it that way.” Long story short, she’s one bad blogger. Take her words to heart – it will change your life:

My advice to any new mother young or old is to cherish it. Don’t ask yourself every day when it will get easier. There is no easier. You only have this moment. And the next. And the next. The other thing I would pass on, is to take really good care of yourself. Make time for you. Don’t listen to anyone who doesn’t actually know you or love you. A happy mom is a good mom. A rested mom is even better. And don’t bother rehashing in your head the mistakes you made yesterday. Forgive yourself quickly, make it right if you need to, and move on. Children know who loves them. They’re more resilent than you think.

So a friend-of-a-friend recently found out she was pregnant. Wonderful news, right? I think so.

But apparently, my friend is already thinking about how to tell her boss. It’s still pretty early (not too many people know about it) and according to the friend, her boss hates married women and women with families.

FAN-tastic. (Catch the sarcasm?)

So she wants to know: How to break the news?

Well, for me, it was particularly awkward.

I had JUST accepted a full-time position.

My boss had really pulled for me to get this position and this salary.

Another co-worker in my department was pregnant, so we would already be short-staffed once her maternity leave rolled around.

No more than two weeks after accepting the position, I strolled in my boss’ office, nervous and fidgeting. We were discussing an upcoming project I was working on.

After we discussed the details, she leaned back away from the table. “So, anything new with you?” she asked.

I paused. Was this the moment? Should I tell her?

“Well…,” I said, slowly. “My husband and I just discovered we’re expecting baby number two.”

She smiled. I could tell she was shocked but she did a good job covering it. “Well,” she said, “that’s wonderful news. I’m happy for you.”

And I could tell she meant it.

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I walked down the hall back to my office. Whew.

The only advice I have to is to be upfront about what your plans are. Since you might not know what your plans are yet, take a month or two to just absorb the news yourself, and then figure out what you might do.

Will you take 12-weeks maternity leave? Longer? Shorter? Will you do a gradual return to the office? Thinking of suggesting a different schedule once you return from maternity leave?

I also found it helpful to create a calendar of the the projects that will need to be completed during your maternity leave. The more detailed, the better. The earlier you can show it to your boss, the better. It shows you still care about the work getting done, even if you won’t be there to do it.

Being pregnant at work is a WHOLE ‘nother post, but I’ll leave it there for now.

Ladies – any advice for the career-minded mommy to be? How did you tell your boss you were expecting?

I love these posts the most because I usually get the best responses. I’m blessed to have so many wonderful, intelligent, resourceful moms stop by. I’m in awe of you all sometimes.

Here is the latest dilemma a reader has regarding potty training her son:

My little guy is 3 years old and while he shows all the signs of being ready, he just likes his diapers. What can we do? Is there anything that worked really well for anyone else?

Well, I’m currently potty training my 2.5 year old and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. None. She’s getting there, but only by the grace of God!

Let’s help her out: Is there anything you did that really worked? How about rewards, a certain schedule, etc?

A friend of mine from high school opened up this question to me. Let’s see if we can help her out:

“I am starting my first “big girl” job in about a week and a half. As a young professional who doesn’t have much money starting before my first paycheck, where the heck can young women get nice, quality clothes for a relatively reasonable price?”

Simple enough question it seems. But I realized I couldn’t really help her out. I’m struggling with this issue myself. I’m tired of running to Old Navy every weekend like it’s the only store that exists simply because it fits my budget.  She continues: 

“I mean, I shop the sales and keep my email updates about what is happening at my favorite stores and love it when I can find 20 dollar pants at the Gap, but that takes lots of time and effort to search sale racks, attempt to get to a store when there might be sales going on, etc. ”

Yeah, it’s hard work to catch a bargain these days. I keep my e-mail inbox flooded with those “$15 off a $50 purchase” offers, but I never make it to the mall because it expires. Which brings about her last point:

“For people who are busy, how can you add shopping for reasonably priced clothes into the mix, especially when you are beyond the Old Navy age but not quite the Ann Taylor?  So to add this to the young mom – when do they have time for this if there are kids to take care of, deadlines at work, and meals to make?”

Your thoughts?

Where do you shop? How much do your pants usually cost? Can you buy a whole outfit for less than $100? What’s your limit when buying clothes?

And be real: do you look nice at work but during the weekend (your casual time) do you look as put together? Where do you shop to buy nice casual clothes?

So you’ve made your resolutions, right?

Probably the same ones you make every year, although this year’s list might sound a little like this:

Read more books.

Lose the baby weight.

Don’t get pregnant again.

Save more money.

Be a better mother/wife/girlfriend/friend/daughter.

Do NOT (under any circumstances) get pregnant again.

No? It’s just me? Oh, okay.

But to make sure you don’t even up having to make the same resolutions year after year, here are a few tidbits to help you stay on track:

• Make your goals prominent. Put a little Post-It on your computer monitor, write it in a journal, make your computer desktop image something related to your goals.  
• Once a week, brainstorm ways to reach your goals and follow through on them for that week. If it doesn’t work, you can reevaluate your methods the following week. (Genius, right?)
• Reward yourself for following through. If one of your goals was to lose weight and you find yourself three pounds lighter, treat yourself to a new pair of shoes.
• Make a new resolution with your kids. My daughter loves to read, so I’ve resolved to read her at least three books a night to foster her love of learning. It helps to be accountable to your kids.

What tactics/tricks/strategies are you using to help you stay on track? Let me know in the comments!

While I’m not exactly living paycheck to paycheck, I don’t exactly get the appeal of spending tons of cash on my kids clothes. Why buy $40 shoes for a newborn? Or even for a kid under 5?

As my daughter is getting older and I can’t just toss a onesie on her and go, I have to be conscious about how much I’m spending on her clothes. A co-worker with three babies of her own hipped me to Once Upon A Child.

Now I’ve seen the cutesy looking signs hanging outside the store, but I had never ventured inside and didn’t even know what the store sold.

Then one day after my co-worker told me about it, we went in.

Oh.my.

I think I found heaven.

Rows and rows of kids’ clothes. Cute summer dresses, Ralph Lauren polos, Old Navy khakis – basically JUST.MY.STYLE. 

And the kicker is that the clothes were literally half the price they would have been if I had gone to the individual stores to buy them. True, the clothes are used, but I toss all my daughter’s clothes in the washer before she wears them for the first time, anyway.

This is by far the best mommy tip I’ve ever received. Check out their website and find a location near you to join in on the savings! Let me know how your shopping trip went!