Natasha always writes great posts and this one from July 19 really stuck out to me. Sounds like something I would have written!

There are a lot of things I have never experienced and never will because I decided to become a young parent.  These include: no dorm rooms, no campus life, no spontaneous wild nights, no partying at my house, and no random road trips.

Honestly, the word “spontaneous” completely changes after becoming a mother. Spontaneous may be a decision to drive to an apple orchard or the zoo tomorrow. Maybe, spontaneous is when I open the freezer and pull out ice cream sandwiches!

However, for the first few months, I lived vicariously through my friends’ adventures as I sat at home breastfeeding. Slowly, it occurred to me that these adventures were not as thrilling to me as I expected. All the things I was sacrificing, started to look less great. I enjoy being a mommy.

Nevertheless, young mothers do make sacrifices that are frequently overlooked. We give up all the things people say adolescents should experience before entering adulthood, so we can be better moms – the new generation of moms.

Check out the rest of the post here.

Earlier this week, my husband was talking to me about buying my daughter a new twin bed, to upgrade from the toddler bed. The plan would be for my son to move from the crib to the toddler bed.

The new bed and mattress is going to cost at least $500. That’s if we get it from Wal-Mart. Then, my son in a toddler bed? Where he can get out? I’m not feeling this.

My husband keeps pushing for her to get a new bed because we had discussed it months ago, thinking that we would use the money from our refund check to purchase it.

Well, that was then. Now I’m heading back to graduate school. Graduate school costs money and the books don’t come cheap. I want to limit “nonessential” purchases, at least until I get my textbooks and find out what fees I owe.

I told him this. 

“But we said we would buy her the bed…” he said.

Why was it difficult to put MY needs first? It makes perfect sense. Do we use $500 to buy her a bed she doesn’t need, or use the money for me to buy textbooks? It’s a no-brainer. But I still felt bad about it.

I have never gotten to put myself completely first. I have never blown a whole paycheck on a cute outfit or racked up credit card debt on a trip to the Bahamas. I can’t DO stuff like that. I have to be RESPONSIBLE. I have to be a mommy and look out for the well-being of my kids at all times like my life depends on it.

But who is looking out for MY well-being? Who is watching out for me? Who is telling me, “You’ve been super-stressed at work lately. You should take a bubble bath and relax.”

I take care of everyone who asks and even some who don’t because I believe that if I had it (whether that “it” is money, time or energy) then you have it. I do my best to make sure everyone has a great day and gets the most out of it. But rarely is that focus placed on me.

I’m on a quest to discover ME. To find out what I like and what makes me happy. Of course, my husband makes me happy and my kids make me happy, but what else? What makes ME happy?

I hate when people ask how I’m doing and I immediately talk about my kids. “Oh, well, Thomas is almost 2 and Ayanna knows her address….” They didn’t ask about my kids – they asked about me!

I want to blab about myself for once. I am putting ME first, come hell or high water.

“Do you want to know the sex?” the ultrasound tech asked me.

I laid on the table, shirt hiked up. “I think it’s a girl,” I said confidently.

The tech paused for a moment and waved the wand over  my belly. “It’s a girl,” she said, surprised. “Looks like you know your baby girl already.”

I smiled. Of course I knew this baby – I was her mother. That mother-daughter bond? No one could ever break it. I had visions of a little Mini-Me twirling in my head, complete with matching outfits and mannerisms.

When she came out, she was her daddy’s twin in terms of looks, but she was my clone in every other respect. She was fussy and uptight, just like her mama and when she wasn’t happy, she let you know about it. Quickly.

I loved her so much I was a little (okay, very) upset when I found out I was pregnant with her younger sibling shortly after her first birthday. How is this going to change her life? She’s still a baby!

With our second baby I was hoping, hoping, praying for another little girl because I was used to having a little Mini-Me around and what could be better than one Mini-Me, but two?

As I lay there in the hospital and the doctor pulled the little one out, I hear him say over the baby’s cries, “It’s a boy!”

A boy? I thought to myself. There’s no way. I wanted two girls. What am I going to do with a boy? I know absolutely nothing about boys, other than they pee standing up.

As the weeks went on, I struggled to find that connection with my son. I was ashamed. I loved him more than I could express, but by the simple fact that he had a penis and I didn’t, it just made us seem so different. I had a hard time getting over that hump.

Now my baby boy is turning two and I’m loving every minute. He’s a boy. A real boy. A jump-on-the-couch-didn’t-I-ask-you-to-sit-down-aww-you’re-giving-me-more-kisses? little boy. He’s silly and he’s cute and he’s full of personality.

I recongize that I have a different relationship with my daughter than I do with my son. Even at this young age, my daughter wants to be me. She does the things I do, she wears my shoes, she treats her brother like he’s her son. My son just wants to be loved. He gives me kisses and hugs and squeezes my knees every time I come close.

It’s different, but I like it and I try my best to treat them equally. I feel lucky to have one of each, to get the best of both worlds, to experience life through my son’s eyes and empathize with my daughter’s female problems.

Do you have boys and girls? Do you find yourself gravitating toward one or the other? For the moms with only one gender, do you ever think of how life would be with the opposite gender?

There’s TONS of you. And suddenly, giving away just ONE book didn’t seem to be able to cut it.

So I contacted the author and asked if we could work out a bulk rate or if she’d like to donate a few additional copies.

She agreed to give me FOUR more books, bringing the total to FIVE books to give away! How sweet is that?

So the winners of the giveaway are:

1) Heather

2) McKenzie

3) Ms. Stacy

4) Sheena

5) Rebecca

Congrats! I’ll be e-mailing you to get your mailing addresses. Please note: Winners have FIVE days from the time I send the e-mail to send me their information or I will have to pick another winner. Thanks!

? This dress right here? Forever 21. 10 bucks. Wore it throughout my pregnancy and then after. (This picture was taken after. On my honeymoon. Six months after my daughter was born. I was still breastfeeding. Yeah, AWKWARD. I’ll have to write about that some other time.)

So I do understand how young women, who might not have the money to spend $70 on maternity jeans, might need more options when they get pregnant. 

Here comes Forever 21 with its maternity line, Love 21. When I tell you people are pissed, they are PISSED. They think a store that caters to teens should be ashamed of itself (can a business be ashamed?), that selling maternity clothes promotes teen pregnancy and makes it “normal.”

While I can see that point (Pregnant Teen and Non-Pregnant Teen can shop at the same store together! Yay!) , I don’t think it promotes teen pregnancy. Can clothes actually do that? Unless they’re selling shirts that say, “So glad I got knocked up!” on the front, I don’t understand the correlation.

Check out this post to see what I mean:

Forever 21 is glamorizing teenage pregnancy by normalizing it.  If you’re pregnant you can dress just like your friends!  You can be pregnant AND fashionable!  While it is obviously wrong to ostracize someone for becoming pregnant, it is even worse to actively encourage teenage pregnancy, and for Forever 21 to do so just to turn a profit is irresponsible.

What do you think? Is it wrong for Forever 21 to sell maternity clothes? Or do pregnant (young women, not just teens) need a place to buy affordable maternity clothes just like anyone else?

One paragraph stood out: Those who delay parenthood – to build a career, to save money, to travel and enjoy their twenties and early thirties without being tied down by a family – were much more unhappy once they finally became parents, because they knew exactly what they were giving up by having children.

Hmmm. Never thought of it from that angle.

But you know what? I still know what I gave up by having kids, just not as concretely.

I can bet I would be getting more sleep, I’d be buying more clothes, I’d be tasting my dinners instead of inhaling it between requests from the kids, I could watch rated R movies without having to leap for the remote when my two-year-old toddles into the room.

I would run the dishwasher less often. I could leave my package of Oreos on the counter instead of hiding them in the cabinet. I could have kept driving my old-beat up car and saved $300 a month on a new car payment. In fact, I could be saving the $1,200 we pay each month for daycare. We could have had three houses by now.

I would be more energetic. I might even be exercising more. I’d be writing more and reading more and sitting down with my feet up more.

I could keep going forever and ever. This post could be a mile long. But you get the gist.

For a lot of moms, thinking about what their lives could have been like is pointless, or worse, makes them feel like they don’t really love their kids.

I love my kids to pieces but I do realize how vastly different my life would be if they weren’t here. And that’s OKAY. I’ve made plenty of sacrifices in order to be a better mom. Is anything more important than my kids? Nope. So I’m good.

Do you think about the things you’ve given up since becoming a mom? Do you ever feel resentful? Be honest – no one’s judging you!

I started taking early morning walks to clear my head, I substituted a full glass a water for the cupcakes I like to eat when I’m stressed, I even developed a new mantra to help things roll off my back.

But still, it wasn’t enough. So I found a therapist and made an appointment.

This was my first experience with a therapist so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Was she going to look down on me? Was she going to “get” me? Shoot, how much is this going to cost me?

I was so nervous and anxious to get started that I was taking notes the whole week leading up to my first appointment. My notebook pages were filled with cringe-inducing phrases like, “I’m scared that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough”  or “I always feel like I’m bracing myself for something bad to happen.”

I walked in, met my therapist and the session began. I know I share EVERYTHING with you guys, but this, this I want to keep private.

But there were two points in the session where I broke down and cried. I had bottled up a lot of emotion and it was amazing to me that a woman I had just met 20 minutes earlier managed to get the heart of what I was feeling and sum it up in a way I had struggled to do for years.

As we were wrapping up the session, she asked me what I could this upcoming week that would be fun, just for me. I paused and thought for a long minute. Nothing came to me. This week I have work, kids, blogging, and sleep. That was all that was on the agenda. No “me-time.” No new book I’m dying to read. No spa visit. No pedicure. No facial. No fancy dinners out. Just me, my kids and the four corners of my house.

“I don’t even know what I like to do for fun,” I said, weakly.

She looked horrifed. “Well, then, we have to change that.”

As I left, I kept chewing on her last few words. Why didn’t I know what I like to do for fun? What does that even mean? I like blogging but is it fun? I like reading but is that fun? I like cooking, but does it count as fun?

The fun is missing from my life and I hadn’t realized it was gone. Like my therapist said (Ms. Fix-It, I’m going to call her), we have to change that.

If you are in a slump, or feeling depressed, I strongly encourage you to see a professional and talk about your issues. It will help to get an objective opinion and solutions to help you manage your life. Visit this searchable database to find a therapist (and their specialities) in a city near you.

When I was pregnant in college, I was just hoping, hoping, hoping that I would never have to bring my daughter to class. I wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. I didn’t want to be the “mom.”

I wanted to be normal.

But alas, one cold March day, I had no choice. My boyfriend had to work, my parents were too far away, I had no babysitter. So I bundled her up, put her in her baby carrier and off we went.

I eased into class about five minutes late, hoping if the lecture had already started, then there’d be less need to explain why I had a kid in my arms.

But no. My professor was a chatty woman, and she hadn’t begun class yet. I settled in my seat and got my daughter out of her little snowsuit. She has been comfy and half-sleep, so she was pissy. She started fussing. My attempts to shush her and rock her were failing and if I didn’t get her wound down, then I’d end up spending class in the hallway – and what was the point of that?

My professor heard the ruckus and sauntered over to me and cooed at my little one. “Hey, sweetie,” she said. She reached out her arms. “May I?”

I hesitated for a moment, only because I knew she was going to start class soon and I didn’t want to keep passing her back and forth. But I handed her over.

Immediately, my daughter quit crying and snuggled on my professor’s chest. My professor smiled and headed to the front of the class.

And do you know, she taught class that day while holding my daughter? And I was free to take notes and listen and take my exam without a baby in my arms. How awesome was that?

But all professors aren’t as understanding and not all college students feel like they can bring their kids to class with no repercussions.

This book, written by Sherrill W. Mosee, addresses this and other issues student parents face as they chase that degree. Filled with essays from student moms on how they overcame obstacles and made the impossible happen, it also gives practical advice surrounding child care, support systems, and college programs.

In truth, I wish I had this book when I was in college. It’s that helpful.

I’m giving away a copy to a lucky reader – all you have to do is leave a comment saying you’d like to win. Simple, right?

The giveaway ends Friday at noon so enter now!

Anyway, my new buddy Carman posted this poem in the Discussion section on our Facebook page but I thought it was too good to just keep there. I wanted you all to see it. Read it, enjoy it and be sure to leave a comment for Carman to let her know what you think!

Dear Lord :
Please send my son a Positive male Role Model
To take away all of his hurt, pain and sorrow
A man thats strong enough for him to follow

Teach him to be responsible humble and true
And most of all to teach him about you

Recondition his lonely heart and his weary mind
Teach him to know his worth for which he was designed

Mommy can aid his physical, intellect, and spiritual growth
But the Rites of Passage to becoming a man, I do not know

Set examples of how to love, honor, and respect his black Queens
Planting the seed that nurtures his hopes, inspirations, and Dreams
For I cant do it all as it may seem

Lord I’m coming to you early and doing all that I can
To intervene and stop a little angry black boy from becoming an Angry Lost black Man

Carman Wilkins is the mother of a 6-year-old girl Jordyn and a 4-year-old boy Jayden. She likes to read and write poetry in her spare time.

So in writing this book, I’m asking for your help – your insights and observations, tips, tricks and advice that has helped you along the way. Writing a book solely from my viewpoint – that would be boring, right?

I’ve created these surveys for you to give your input to me, in a way that I can capture and read and edit and pick and choose. It’s a lot of work, yo!

Do me a favor and fill one (or all of them) out and be included! Deadline to answer these surveys is July 23.

General survey - Tell me who you are and what you think should be included in the book.

Your kids - Tell me about the joys and challenges of raising kids, no holds barred!

Money issues - Are you scraping by or saving money every month? Tell us how you do it!

Stereotypes and the young mom - Have you ever dealt with judgmental stares and comments? Share how you get people to mind their business.

Thanks in advance for your help!

If you’ve spent any time with me in the past few weeks, you’ve probably heard me say, “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

My daughter is fussing because I’m too slow with dinner? “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

My husband is giving me the side eye because I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I’m not paying attention to him talk about his day? “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

My boss tells me a project I’m working on is not up to par? I take a deep breath and tell myself, “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

It’s such a simple phrase but man has it changed my life. I’ve been stressing less, I’ve forgot what that daily dose of Mommy guilt feels like, I’m finally coming in what I always thought life would be like as an adult.

Previously? I was a MESS. I would get frustrated that there was always something to re-do: I had to wash dishes again, or go get diapers again or I forgot to pay the trash bill again. I was irritated when I couldn’t check everything off my to-do list and some things stayed there for weeks and weeks.

But I didn’t want my life to be like that. I always wanted to be one of those women who swept through life with ease, who made everything look so effortless.

But then I discovered their secret: It’s not effortless at all. It’s actually a lot of effort to make it look like life never makes you sweat. Like you’re never overwhelmed.

I began using my daily mantra and it has helped in so many ways. I am in control of my days now – they don’t control me. I give 100% each day and let the rest fall where it falls. No more stressing over things I can’t control.

So what about you? Think you can try it?

Repeat after me (and really do it…just because I can’t see you doesn’t you skip this part!):

I am doing the best I can right now.

Feel better?

All you 30something moms – I’m jealous. 

Not completely jealous but just a little, “Man, it must be nice…” jealousy that never hurt anyone.

One of my friends had a baby this past weekend. She’s older than me, happily married for five or so years, had a pretty smooth pregnancy. She researched everything, got the best crib, had friends who gave her the rest of the things she needed for her nursery.

From the outside looking in, everything looks perfect. I wish I had the bank account she does, or the loving husband she does, or the big, beautiful house she does to bring the baby home to. You’ve probably heard the story how I brought my daughter home to a college dorm room. We had no savings. I cried after getting the hospital bill – a whopping $27,000 for the six day stay in the hospital for both of us after complications during labor. Our “apartment” was so small I could vacuum the entire place from one outlet.

I remember entire weeks where my depression was just…bad. I’d cry at the drop of a hat and daydream about what it would be like to be a mom later. I loved my daughter but just…not now. I wanted to be more established.

But I also know that there are plenty benefits to how my life turned out. Because I had my kids so young, they get a front-row seat to all my accomplishments. They see me working late, they see us gradually moving into a bigger and bigger place. They see the tears over projects that don’t go well. They help me study.

By the time they get to be the age I was when I had them, (20 and 22, respectively) we will have done this together.

Together. And there is nothing sweeter to me in the this whole world.

Inside the card he wrote a little note of appreciation, thanking me for my love and support during his crazy busy work schedule. 

Let me tell you – I melted. I had been so busy I hadn’t even had time to think about all the overtime I’d been putting in or if he appreciated all the extra effort I’ve made to make sure everyone stays within their regular schedule and everything is running smoothly.
 
Feeling unappreciated is about one of the worst things that can happen to you as a mom, because it festers and causes so much resentment.  It gets in the way of giving your best effort, of making you feel like what you do is important.

Let me tell you, if you hear it from no one else. You ARE appreciated. Every book you read to your kids, every meal you cook, every time you pick your kids up from daycare, everytime you give them a bath or chaperone their field trip – it’s appreciated. I’m here to give you two snaps AND a twist because you are just.that.good.

Who here has never struggled with self-esteem? Or knowing what you wanted to do in life but being scared to start? How many of us have fallen in love with the wrong man, but realized it too late? How many of us don’t know our true worth and settle for things that are beneath us?

If you have your hands in the air, then I urge you to pick up a copy of this book, On All the Things That Make Beautiful. Nadirah Angail has written a beautiful book dedicated to the women who are almost there, who still struggle from time to time with doubt and confusion.

I know I found myself in its pages and I know you will too. Nadirah was gracious enough to send me three copies and I will be keeping one for myself. That leaves two copies for my dear readers.

To win a copy of the book, simply leave a comment answering the question, “What makes you beautiful?” I’ll pick two winners on Monday, July 5. Good luck!

If you missed the interview with Nadirah on why she decided to write the book, and what she hopes young moms get from it, click here.