I’m not sure what it’s like for childless couples, but I understand how a healthy, thriving, sex life can get pushed to the bottom of the to-do list (no pun intended) once the babies come. 

• “I’ve had a long day. I’m too tired for sex.” Some women figure their men can fend for themselves, so they think, “Oh, it’ll be okay, I’ll make it up to him tomorrow.” But men don’t necessarily think like that. They see it was rejection. Rejection night after night after night isn’t good for anyone’s spirits. And this goes for women too. Fellas, your woman wants to feel beautiful, sexy, desirable, ESPECIALLY after her body has gone through changes to give birth to your kids. Pulling out the “I’m too tired” card more than once in a blue moon can deflate an ego in a heartbeat. If you find yourself too tired for sex, try it at different times. Maybe bedtime is not the right time for you, but maybe in the morning or right after dinner.
• “Why don’t we kiss anymore?” Some couples were never too big on the little displays of affection to begin with. But if you were one of those cutesy, “No, I love YOU more” couples and now a day or two could go by without even eye contact, then you’ve got some work to  do. Make it a point to touch your spouse. Kiss the back of their neck when you walk by. Hold their hand when you’re sitting on the couch together. Let them put their feet in your lap and give them a foot rub. Kiss before you go to bed. Rub their leg while you’re driving. (Well, maybe not the last one. Could mess up your concentration. LOL) The point is, you have to put in the same effort you did before, even though your plate has more on it now.
• “She/he just doesn’t dress like they used to.” I was majorly guilty of this one. I used to wear cute, clingy low-cut tops, hip-hugging jeans and sky-high heels every time we went out. Pardon my ego, but I was HOT! Then I had kids. Those low-cut tops showed off my impossibly unsexy nursing bras, so they had to go. My jeans were still hip-hugging but not because I wanted them to be. I replaced my heels with cute flats. My wardrobe had changed in almost every way, and while my husband didn’t say anything, I know he noticed. So once my kids were a little older and I was out of the “Which bodily fluid am I getting splashed with today?” stage, I tried to make little changes. I bought some 4-inch wedge sandals. Sexy, but more comfortable. I lost 10 pounds (go me!) and bought some skinny jeans. Hubby has definitely sat up and taken notice. Little changes are usually all you can do if you’ve been putting your appearance on the back burner. Chances are, any little change won’t go unnoticed.
• “He’s not as romantic as he used to be.” Ladies, I’ve got your back on this one. My husband was the KING of romance when we were dating. You know what he used to call me? “QUEEN.” I was dating a man who actually called me “QUEEN.” You know what he calls me now? He doesn’t call me anything. He just waits until I’m in the general vicinity and starts talking. So I know a little something about romance going by the wayside. But I’ve found that if you want romance to come back to your relationship, you might have to create it yourself first. Surprise him or her with a bouquet of flowers/gift at their job. Give them a good back rub without them having to ask. Make the effort on your part and you’ll be surprised at how it changes things.

I’m going to talk about something I rarely ever discuss with folks: sex. More specifically, sex after the babies.

Now, I ended up with two C-sections, but I do remember one of my biggest concerns was how sex was going to feel after I gave birth. Would it be dry? Would it hurt? Would it ever feel the same again?

My husband and I were so overwhelmed by our first daughter and so exhausted by the addition of our son, that both times we didn’t have sex for months.

5 ways to get the lovin’ flowing:

• Shower first. Or shower together. I tell you, after dealing with the yuckiness of motherhood for hours upon end, I look forward to a nice relaxing shower where I can breathe freely without a baby clinging to me. I had to use the shower time to transition from “SuperMom” to “SexySassyWife.” Use your favorite body wash or sugar scrub, put on a thin layer of your favorite body lotion, and let the fun begin. Sometimes it’s even sexier if you just throw on one of his shirts.
• Go out to dinner and sit on the same side. Hold hands with him on the ride home. Hell, drive separately and meet up at “your place.” (Single ladies, this means you too!)  
• Just do it. Sometimes you have to just lay down and get going. Worrying about whether or not you’re in the mood is irrelevant. For that first time after the baby, you might have to just look at your man and say, “Come on, let’s go,” in the middle of a football game. (If you care, you can wait until halftime.)
• Get a good soundtrack going. Remember back in the day (I really sound old now) when you used to make your mixtapes? Go on iTunes or Windows Media and make a “Date Night” playlist. Include a song that always makes you think of him and one that makes him think of you. (Bonus points if it’s the same song!)
• Switch it up. Usually stay on the bed, missionary style, five minutes, then bed? Switch it up. Head to the kitchen, the living room floor, the shower. Anywhere that’s new and different for you.

What about you all? Did your sex drive return right away? How did you handle the whole “sex after babies” situation?

originally posted at BMWK.com with some tweaking for my YoungMommy audience!

What is it about parenthood that makes romance so hard? Is it the never ending stream of poop and vomit? (Definitely not sexy, I agree.) Is it the sheer level of exhaustion at the end of the day that makes it hard to do anything other than to collapse into bed?

While me and my husband are still considered newlyweds (19 months and counting!), we certainly don’t act like it most days. More often than not, we’re bickering with each other, getting on each other’s nerves. But we do love each other. More than anything.

But when you have two kids, the effort it takes to be nice to one another increases. I find it hard to be happy to see him after a long day at work if I know he’s going to head straight to the couch to watch SportsCenter and I haven’t sat down all day. It’s hard for him to be nice to me, if all I do is nag him about taking the diapers outside and picking up the kids’ prescriptions.

But we try to keep that spark alive, the same spark that enabled us to have two kids in the four years we’ve known each other. Our date nights are usually pretty straightforward affairs – dinner at Olive Garden, maybe a movie. Sometimes we even spice it up by going to Target! (I know you’re jealous.)

And even my single mamas struggle with this. Trying to be mommy and daddy has got to wear you out, making it less likely that you’ll be in the mood for romance and candlelight. (Or maybe the reverse is true?)

So tell me: What do you do to spice up your marriage or relationship? Put the kiddies to bed early? Rely on family to watch the babies? Let me know!

Okay, no clever blog posts today.

*collective groan from the masses*

I know, I know, you look forward to my witty commentary as a way to help you escape from the pressures of motherhood and I apologize for not being able to serve you.

Today, however, is about what YOU can do for ME.

See, we are T-minus 5 days until Christmas. And I have no gift for my husband.

It’s not my fault, however, because I’ve been looking for his gift since September. It’s his fault. Need proof? Here you go:

• He has no hobbies. Except for basketball, but all you need for that is a basketball (which he already has) and some casual clothes (which he already has).
• He doesn’t watch TV except for SportsCenter or a game. All his favorite movies he already owns.
• He doesn’t care about fancy things, like cashmere sweaters, tailor-made jackets, cologne, shaving cream/aftershave, razors, anything. It would be a waste of money.
• Doesn’t like to read.
• Has enough formal clothes.
• Likes the Lakers, but already has all the Lakers gear we can fit into this apartment. Besides, that’s too much of a fallback gift.  
• Anything he needs/wants he buys it himself.  

So I’m stuck with out a gift for him. And I’m staring at his pile of presents for me, one of which is the size of a dishwasher. No lie.

I need some creative ideas, people. And fast. So if you could help me out, I will repay you. I’m not sure how, but I’ll set aside an I.O.U with your name on it.

I met my husband my very first day at college.

I moved into Koonce Hall early on that Sunday and got ready for the 5 p.m. meeting with the hall staff.

I settled into a spot on the floor as they went around introducing themselves. This light-skinned black guy with the easygoing demeanor opened his mouth and said, “Hello, my name is Thomas Jefferson….”

I honestly didn’t hear anything else after that. Something in my brain clicked and I said to myself, “Oh, all that is good and holy – I think I just met my husband!”

He was the assistant hall director in his first year of grad school. He had taken the assistantship to pay for his degree, a Master’s in higher education administration. He was 23 and very mature for his age. Didn’t swear, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke.

I spent my freshman year chasing after him. He wasn’t looking to date a college freshman, but I was so darned persistent. I went to every hall meeting, regardless of what else was going on, and made up excuses to go see him. He had no choice but give me a second look.

We hooked up right before I left for summer break and things were always hot and heavy with us. One month in, we were saying, “I love you.” Three months in, he told me he could see us getting married. Six months in, he bought me a promise ring on a surprise trip to the mall. One and a half years later, he purchased an engagement ring (without telling me.)

Almost two years into our relationship (after he bought the ring but before he proposed) we discovered I was pregnant. My junior year of college. We decided to keep our original plans and get married after I graduated.

Our daughter, who we affectionately call Baby, was born my senior year. We had moved in together and he worked while I stayed with Baby and went to class. We were planning our wedding, raising Baby, he was looking for a new job, and I was trying to graduate and land a full-time job.

It was stressful, but we managed. We got married as planned and it was a wonderful day and an even better honeymoon. Not even six months after saying, “I do,” we got another positive pregnancy test. I was not at all ready for another baby. We had talked about trying for another baby, but not at that time. 

I admittedly was very grouchy. I still had dreams of becoming this big-time writer and every single decision I was making – having kids, getting married – was seemingly keeping me from my dreams. I became resentful toward my husband without realizing it.

Every little thing he would do wrong – not offering to wash the dishes, his refusal to bathe the kids, the fact that piles of dirty clothes would sit there for weeks and weeks – would make me question why I married him. I know I loved him, but why was I married? Why weren’t things working out the way I had hoped?

Things came to a boiling point after my son was born, when I had had enough of crying and in the middle of one of these breakdowns, I asked my husband, “Why is it that I cry every single damn day? I’m getting tired of this!”

In his typical calm, cool demeanor he simply said, “It’s because you resent me. You think you got married too young. You weren’t ready for this.”

It’s like a lightbulb went off in my head. He was right. I did resent him. Every single thing I felt was wrong with my life – in my mind at least – stemmed back to him. The reason I wasn’t in New York working for a glossy magazine? His sperm created a child I had to take care of. The reason I wasn’t spending enough time with my friends? I was too exhausted from taking care of everyone else throughout the week that I just wanted to sleep all weekend.

I sat down and determined there were two ways to end my resentment toward him:

One, become the writer I’ve always wanted to be. There was no reason, now or then, that I couldn’t write. Just because I didn’t live in the center of the media world, didn’t mean that I couldn’t fulfill my dreams.

Two, stop blaming him for everything. I actively pursued this relationship and wanted it to work.  He has always been the perfect guy for me. Smart, ambitious, extremely considerate and caring for others. He was a fabulous dad, who was always willing to go all out for his kids. He always put our needs first. And I did love him.

So I began this blog. Suddenly, I felt like a writer again. It felt like my words mattered, and even if I only had 100 visitors a day, it was enough for me to let go of the resentment I had allowed to fester over the past two years.

So know that when you read these posts, you’re not just reading about my every day experiences. You’re helping to repair my marriage.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Tara   

Once I got to the halfway point of my first pregnancy and realized,” Holy hell, this kid has got to come out of me somehow,” I’ve been freaked out by labor and delivery. A 7 or 8 pound human has to come out of your…down there? How will it ever be the same? How will it look?

A new Psychology Today article discusses the (what else?) psychological and physical effects childbirth has on new moms’ sex lives. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture, but it does discuss the effects a vaginal birth has on sex versus a C-section. With C-sections becoming an ever more popular choice (one it’ll looks like I’ll be visiting twice), it reports that 55% of new moms who had a C-section were dissatisfied with their sex lifes, while 70% of new moms who had vaginal births were unsatisfied.

I bet this is one of the most popular questions women ask their doctors or their other mom friends. How does childbirth affect your sex life? Does it get better? Will it ever be the same? I have to say that after having a C-section, I was kind of happy about it. I got to have a happy, healthy baby, and I didn’t have to squeeze a human through a pipeline that’s as big as a straw.

What about you? Was your sex life one of your biggest worries about having a baby? Did your sex life change at all? Tell me about it in the comments. (And feel free to be anonymous! Let’s have an honest discussion about what REALLY goes down after a baby.)