Six Lessons From Six Years Of Marriage

Year 1:  Don’t lose sight of the friendship due to the stress of raising kids.

My husband and I were amazing together before having our first child two and a half years into the relationship. We laughed and joked together, could lay in bed talking for hours. We just click. But having our daughter six months before we tied the knot threw a wrench into how we operated as a couple. Now we had to figure out how to operate as parents and that is a whole new ballgame when you live in a tiny 300-sq-ft apartment, both of you underpaid and overworked. If I had taken the time to notice, that same personality that attracted me to my husband was still there, just not as visible beneath my fatigue.

Year 2: Be vocal about your expectations. 

My husband, I think, was simply doing what he had seen modeled in his home and in society. When I was growing up, my father was just as active as my mother. They took turns going back to school, so when my father was studying, my mom was holding us down and vice versa. As a result, I expected my husband to be more like my father: come home, roll up your sleeves and jump in to the evening routine. My husband preferred to sit down and relax a bit before giving me a hand with dinner and baths. We bumped heads about this for years, when a simple conversation could have eliminated our nightly battles.

Year 3: When you get to the point of yelling at your spouse, it’s time to call a truce. 

During our third year of marriage, we had one of our biggest arguments ever. It was so bad I called off work because we had been up until 4 a.m. fussing at each other. We didn’t speak to each other for close to a week. All pleasantries were gone. In their place were icy stares and grunts instead of “Hello.” The only thing that thawed us out was when I finally broke down and said, “I want to fix this. I don’t want to be mad anymore.” Then he thawed and we haven’t had an argument like that since. Letting anger control you is not the best way to handle disagreements.

Year 4: Lean on each other when times get tough.

I didn’t immediately call my husband when I found out I lost my job in 2010. Instead, I drove to daycare, picked up my kids, made dinner and waited for him to get home so I could tell him in person. After I told him, he hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder as I freaked out about what we were going to do financially. He wiped my tears and said, “Take your time. You’ll figure out what to do next.” I felt so blessed.

Year 5: Enjoy the ride.

This was definitely our calmest year. I wasn’t fretting about my career anymore. I was almost done with grad school. We were GOOD. It was a turning point in our marriage. We both felt it. Everything was in sync. Our date nights were more frequent. We kissed good morning and good night. We weren’t perfect but we were so damn happy.

Year 6: Love can be very simple if you let it.

Sometimes I get so proactive about my marriage that I don’t allow myself the luxury of simply allowing us to interact in the ways that feel natural and seeing what happens. I’m always imposing rules about conversations, always reading marriage books and making notes of how things should be done. But I was stifling us and our growth as a couple. Now I don’t worry so much about “us.” I simply focus on being the best wife I know how to be and the rest just kind of takes care of itself.