One of the most popular articles on the blog is the “I Hate Being A Stay-At-Home Mom” post from 2010. Even two years later people keep chiming in on why being at home is either a) the greatest thing that has ever happened to them or b) the most soul-sucking form of thankless work on the planet. I got a loooong comment from Victoria and asked her if I could share it with you. She’s been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom and she’s sharing how she makes her life work now.
by Victoria Calvin
I’ve been both a working mom and stay-at-home mom. In fact, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom twice within the past year to two years. The second time around has proven to be a lot better than the first. I can honestly say that I LOVE being at home with my little girl.
However, it wasn’t always this way.
Women often enter stay-at-home motherhood with a lot of misconceptions: the children will always be well behaved, the house will be clean all of the time, a hot meal will be prepared and waiting for our spouses/partners when they return from work, we will have little stress as compare to stress from working outside of the home, etc. What most of us find is that staying at home is both sweet and sour (for some, more sour than sweet). Our expectations are often violated and we are left feeling defeated and isolated. We love our children yet we question if being at home is the best for our family. Thus, I empathize with those who have experienced the battles of staying at home.
The first time I stayed at home with my little girl I nearly pulled my hair out! I was bored, refused to get involved in mom and tot groups (I thought they were pretentious), and did I mention…bored?! I felt that I lost apart of my old self…the former HR manager turned full time graduate student. The aspiring PhD with groundbreaking (so I thought) research ideas. I wanted this person back. So, after two months, I shipped my little urchin back to daycare so I could focus on my “career.” It wasn’t long before I regretted this decision.
Alas, things change. After completing my masters degree this past spring, I decided that returning to the corporate world or working toward a PhD did not sound good and just plain made me tired. Then there was the longing to be with my baby girl. But, I wanted both worlds…to work and stay at home. I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too! So, with the support of my husband, I started a home-based business and we withdrew our baby from daycare. BEST DECISION EVER!
To make things work, there were a few things I had to do:
1) Value my role as a stay-at-home mom – what I do is important. My baby and I have many adventures and I am so proud to be able to spend a lot of time with her. Staying at home is hard work and requires a strong level of commitment. I honestly work harder as a stay-at-home mom than I EVER did as a corporate professional.
2) Creating the “right mix” – it wasn’t enough for me to be a domestic goddess, I needed more. So I started a home-based business. It is challenging working from home with a toddler. But, I don’t have to work for someone else, I create my own schedule, I am contributing to the family income, and I have my baby with me (she has a small desk next to mine).
3) Downtime – I am so blessed to have a very supportive spouse who understands the challenges of staying at home with a child. He stayed at home with our daughter when she was infant while I worked. He literally has to force me to take a break or leave the house in order to decompress! I’ve learned to value my downtime AND make time for downtime. When I’ve had time to rest, I am a much better parent.
4) Connect with other SAHM moms/dads – I now realize how important it is to connect with other SAHM moms and dads. Those mom and tot groups are actually pretty fun! Its helpful to know what the group of women I hang out with were all working professionals at some point (i.e. teachers, accountants, lawyers) and we all experience the same challenges. We meet once a week and through out the month for activities (i.e. zoo trips, the museum, the splash park) and have girl’s night out dinners.
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5) Revaluate my expectations – My house isn’t always clean, laundry may happen once a week if we are lucky, dinner may be cooked by 5:00 (or not), my toddler is bound to throw a fit (and her chocolate milk), my schedule isn’t as tight as it use to be, my toddler and I are going to be bored sometimes, and there are times when I watch the clock…waiting for my husband to come home. And it’s okay. Once I removed my rose colored lens, staying-at-home became so much easier and less stressful.
6) Kids will be kids – My kiddo is 2 years old. And two-year-olds are the “fly by night” types! There are times when she is totally on board with my planned activities and other times she would rather paint on her easel all day. And that’s okay with me. She’s only two and she is doing what two-year-olds do. I harken back to my education (human development) and remember the developmental tasks of two-year-olds. After a brief reminder, I eased up a lot and learned to enjoy the time that I get to spend with my little tornado!
Both working moms and SAHM/WAHMs are hard on themselves. Ease up ladies…both paths are paved with successes and challenges. The important thing to remember is that you ARE a GREAT mother regardless of our occupational situation.
If you like working, go to work! If you like staying at home, stay at home! Find your “right mix” and be open to change. Furthermore, it’s okay to be truthful about the challenges of being a stay-at-home and/or working mom. A women’s place is where SHE feels comfortable, valued, acknowledged, and validated.
Bing a stay at home mom is a big adjustment on our way of thinking. It was hard for me during the first year (understatement of the year), but slowly you start to find things that works for you and your household.
I agree with your first point, you MUST value your role as a stay at home mom. Honestly, if you don’t, no one else will.
This advice is right on time! I’m going to be a work at home, because I don’t want to
put the little one in daycare and I also can’t imagine not working as well. I’m going to bookmark this post, so it helps me to remember ways to make it work. Thanks for sharing.
Fantastic article! I’m doing this right now, as a sole parent family. It is much harder work, but its much more satisfying and i’m able to raise my kids myself which is important to me. The most important thing in making this work is to give yourself regular breaks and have a network of supportivefriends. go for it!!
Great post! I struggle with my role all the time. I am fine when I am in my own world, but start feeling inadequate when I compare myself to others. I know I am doing a lot. I cook, I clean, I educate and socialize my 2.5 year old son, I am very involved in my MOPS group, I am a fitness instructor and have a work-at home job. I wear many hats, but I love the flexibility and love having time with my son. He also sometimes gets tired of our hustle. Last week, I had a great idea to go to a splash park (after a busy week) and he told me, as he was resting on his cute Mickey Mouse couch, “No, stay here”…and I can respect that.
It is hard being a mother. Period. Whether you work inside the home or outside the home, it is a challenge and we all need to support each other.
Great Article. I am struggling right now between the two. I think I would be hard on myself as a SAHM or WAHM. It’s going to be a hard decision either way. I have to learn not to be so hard on myself like you said.