You hear me but are you listening? (Communication is key)

In keeping with my theme of co-parenting this week, we’re tackling communication today – how to express yourself in a way that minimizes fights and maximizes your chances of you both getting what you want.  

When I asked moms on our Facebook Page what their biggest problem is in their relationships, they almost all said communication was at the top of the list. So you feel me on this.

It seems like men and women have vastly different communication styles. Men might as well be speaking a different language for as much trouble we have understanding each other. They say one thing, we hear another and before we know it, a fight has started and we can’t even remember who said what.

I haven’t been perfect in my relationships. I could be accused of being overly dramatic, a crybaby or even a bully. I’ve pretty much mastered all the ineffective communication techniques there are and have only recently began to explore the positive ones. I’ve been using these tips below to make sure I can get my point across and we both walk away with what we want:

Erase any disrespect from my tone or wording. I used to come off as very harsh whenever I needed to express some concern or bring a problem to light. Because, well, I was pissed. But I had to learn to separate my anger from the conversation, otherwise we’d never get anywhere. Take a deep breath and watch your tone as well as your words. Don’t use phrases like, “I hate it when you…” or “Why do you always have to…?”

Repeat his concerns back to him with no interpretation. When a conversation starts getting heated, my natural inclination is to look for holes in his argument so I can come out the victor. But why is that necessary? Can’t we both be right, in our own way? Now I just repeat back what he says so I can make sure I understand his point.

Accept the fact that I – gasp! – might be wrong. I started off my marriage feeling like I had all the answers and if my husband would just listen to me, it would be smooth sailing. But alas, I’ve since learned that if I don’t begin disagreements from a mindset that “My word is law,” we can usually come up with a solution to any problem.

Take a second to eally look at what I’m being stubborn about. Am I being stubborn because, well, that’s what I always do? Do you always look to prove your point and you will continue arguing the same points or saying the same thing in different ways until the other person tires of your foolishness and gives up? If this sounds like you, STOP. Move on.

Ask yourself, “Will this matter in three years?” Asking myself this question usually keeps me on track, because I don’t want to be arguing about little things for hours on end. Will I care about this issue in 2015? 2020? No? Then let’s get to a solution and keep it moving. But if it is going to be important, say, where we send our kids to school, then I’m digging my feet in and using the rest of these tips to stay on topic.

Acknowledge the other person’s argument. No one likes feeling like they aren’t being heard. We all want someone to say to us, “You know what? That makes perfect sense. I understand what you’re saying.” Find a piece of their argument and praise it. They’ll see your concession as a way to loosen up a bit, and you’ll both get more of what you want.

If you look at my tips, you might think to yourself, “Man, why do I have to do all the work to make our communication better?”  That’s because YOUR response and your actions are all you have control over. You can’t control how he responds or if he makes life easy or difficult for you. Remember – stress comes from wanting to control circumstances beyond your control. If you could change him to make life easier for you, you would do it, right? But since you can’t, it’s easier to just work on you and what your response is.

How’d you like these tips? Were they helpful? What would you add to the list?