Today’s post is from Aja Dorsey Jackson, my writer/PR buddy. She’s funny and honest and she doesn’t hesitate to tell it like it is, which is why I luv her. Not love, but “luv.”
Check out her post on why being in the office eight hours a day might make her a better mom:
I hate being a stay-at-home mom
I did not become a stay-at-home mom by choice.
I was forced into it by a layoff. But even though it wasn’t the path that I chose at the time, I will admit that the silver lining around that layoff cloud was the fact that I would get to spend more time with my then 18-month-old son.
When my 10-year-old daughter was born I was a sophomore in college. Staying at home as a young, single mother wasn’t even a thought. I had to go to school full-time and work full-time and in doing so, always felt like I missed out on a lot of those little baby moments.
When I was laid off, I had fantasies about what my new housewife life would be like while I searched for a job. I printed out lesson plans and made daily schedules. In my mind being home would give me the opportunity to a) Turn my son into a baby genius b) Have a sparkling clean house and a home-cooked meal on the table every night c) Write the great American novel and run my own business in my spare time (after all what else did I have to do?) and d) Take my son on daytrips, playdates and lunch dates with friends.
About a month into the stay-at-home mommy life I realized a) My son would much rather color on the floor than watch “Your Baby Can Read” b) The house is never sparkling clean because my son is home all day to tear it back up again c) Spare Time? Bwahahahahahah! d) It’s a lot harder to do all of that out of the house stuff when you are not working and on a budget.
And finally e) I do not like being a stay-at-home mom.
I think that there has always been a part of me that believed that being a stay-at-home mom would make me a better mom. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I may be a better mother after having worked an eight-hour day. While I was working I came home ready to see my children and cherished the time I spent with them.
Now that I am at home, I’m usually burnt out by 11 a.m. fantasizing about drinking a cup of coffee without worrying that my son is drinking out of the toilet in the next room.
The truth is, I miss wearing work clothes. I don’t like having to stop what I’m doing 30 times an hour to keep my son from causing a catastrophe. I hate looking out the window every five minutes once 6pm rolls around in the hopes that my husband has pulled up so that I can take a break. I miss being able to blow a few extra dollars on something impractical because I worked hard and earned the money. I miss the part of my life that I feel like I had all to myself. Oddly enough, that part of my life was work.
I realize that there are thousands of stay-at-home and work-at-home parents out there who love having this job. But it is a job. And just like a job in teaching, or law enforcement or nursing there are those who are made for the job and those who are not. I realize that I fall into that second category and the realization has left me with a lot of guilt.
Yet right or wrong this experience has taught me where I can be the best mother that I can be. Home for me is just not that place.
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
YML readers – what do you think?
Omg this article hit the nail on the head, I too was forced to be a stay at home mom and at first I loved it too, I thought I would get so much done around the house and the extra bonding with my son. However one year into the stay at home thing I am more exhausted than I think I would have been working an eight hour day. All my alone time is given to my little one and like you I usually can’t wait til that time my husband comes through the door so I can hand over our son to him and I can finally have a little break. I also regret this decision because I have found that my son is very spoiled by me being home with him all the time so usually he wants to be up under me all day. Needless to say he also isn’t on his way to being a baby genius because he’s so spoiled and wants to be babied more than taught. I miss the financial part I was bringing to my marriage and even though my husband constantly tells me how much he loves me staying home I need to get back out there and have something just for me again, working was something for me and a little bit of peace and individuality away from my family I miss that. I still say being at home has it’s ups and downs but lately it seems that there are more downs, I never pictured myself as a housewife/stay at home mom but I am happy that I was home with my son those first early months to witness all those little moments but now that he is 19months I feel the need to put him in daycare just to speed him up to where he needs to be, and also so that mommy can focus more on going back to work. I will say that for the first few months the SAHM thing was for me but now, not so much.
hahahaha thank you for your honest take… am not a mom yet but when i become if i ever feel like this ill know am not alone. thank you
I am right there in the same situation for the same reasons with the same sentiments! Being a stay at home mom has basically sapped all the joy out of being a mother at all! I know I feel awful for feeling that way because a LOT of women don’t even have that option. OK, so I’m thankful. BUT I am also burned out, tired, stressed about money, resentful and feeling overall pretty useless, since my house is even messier than it was when I working AND my children keep me so busy that I can barely find time to cook a decent meal! I have FOUR children (the oldest is 9, the youngest 20 months). I used to run a decent business but now I can barely do that. All I can say is, keep your head up. I can’t afford to go out with friends, but taking a walk in the middle of the night to clear my head is free.
Gosh, I could have written this one myself. I always “thought” I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But after 2 kids (heck, after even 1) I realize it’s not for me. And mind you, I’ve never done it full-time…… but long weekends and maternity leave have given me just enough of a taste of life at home to realize that I’m better when I work and then come home and spend the remaining time with the little ones. I just don’t have the patience, creativity, and stamina to entertain and properly stimulate a toddler and an infant all day long. My toddler gets soooo much more than I could ever give him at his daycare – the teachers are awesome and he has grown tremendously thru interaction with his peers. I’d totally be cheating him to keep him home with me…. and I wouldn’t be truly happy. So our arrangement works for us.
Major props to all the awesome stay-at-home moms! To me that is THE most challenging job in the world. Kudos to them!
Thank you for your comment; I do feel the same
I’m on mat leave and counting the days 
Yes it’s the most challenging job and yes, I suck at that one! Love my daughter more than life itself but I`m just no made for it and feel so guilty about it!
This was a great article I too was a woman on
the go and have always been in the work force
I often felt like I cooudnt keep my hhouse sparkling
but people make comments to me like I’m not being the
best I can be or that my best was good ebuf
it realieves methat this post has touched me
in so many ways finally someone who knows me
Thanks for telling it!
When I was laid off last year, I only kept my daughter in preschool because I had extra money in my dependent care flexible spending account. Oh but when that money ran out and we were about to close on our house, I thought I would go nuts. I just couldn’t hang. My daughter rises early and stay up late. She can go ALL DAY LONG and MIGHT crash around 2pm or 3pm. Even then it was for maybe an hour. I was excited to go to class because it was a break. Going somewhere every single day was not financially feasible. I think that if you are a stay at home mom from the beginning then it’s easier because you just adapt over time. But every mom needs a break in order to keep it together.
It isn’t easier if you do it from the beginning. I have two kids 6 and 4 and I have been home the whole time. It is always hard. I am excited/ terrified to go back to work. I have relied so much on my stay at homeness to be my identity that I don’t know who the hell I am outside of being a mom. I hate that about me. Next year when my 4 year old is in school I’m out of here( back to work that is)
I think it is refreshing to find someone who will admit that being a sahm is not very enjoyable. I think that moms find it unsettling that they don’t like being a sahm. It can be disappointing and hard to admit to yourself and others.
I go back and forth on how I feel. We run a cleaning company from home and that means that the kids are at home/work with us most of the time. To be honest, I’m looking forward to late September when preschool starts. I’ll only have one child from 8-3.
From the time I had my first child, I knew that I had to be at home with him. Eighteen months later we had another baby, and my mind did a complete 360. Being at home with the kids all day is not fun or easy. It is not picture perfect. I’m just as tired and stressed as I was when I was working outside of the home. I do know that my being a wahm benefits them greatly, but for me to say that I love it is an overstatement. My kids are growing older and need to be under me less every day, so as soon as my youngest is old enough to go to public preschool, I will be working outside of the home more often.
.-= Mrs. CJ´s last blog ..Recalling my Days of Postpartum Depression =-.
As always Aja! Love it!! Stay at home mommyworld is not for everyone and it doesnt make you any less of a good mother. My sister in-law has been a stay at home mom for about 1 year and 8 months. She finally goes back to work on 9/13 and she too was forced into being a stay a home mom, the main difference: she had every parents dream: her kids went to school for at least 6 hours a day and she was free to do whatever she wants (the house is cleaned by a cleaning lady). So even in the best situation, she realized that staying at home was not for her and she will probably be doing cartwheels on her first day! Me, I honestly dont think that stay at home life will be for me.. although if I can get rid of the kids for most of the day, hire a cleaning lady, have lunch with my friends, and drop the kids off for an occasional play date, I just might do it:)
I guess when you are forced or have no choice in the matter you are not going to like the situation. I am a teacher and during the summer I stay home with my daughter all the time. I LOVE IT. Especially because during the school year I leave home at 6 and don’t return until 6, during this time she is with the Nanny. I miss her. She is the sunshine of my life. Both my husband and I are coaches so every weekend during our coaching seasons she is gone on “vacation” to her grandparents house. If I could stay home all the time with her that would be amazing. The 3 months of summer has me hooked that if I could I would stay home. I found that its all about having a schedule, I even schedule me time(when she is napping of course) and it alll seems to work out.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I chose to stay at home. I have a 15 month old and and a child of school age. It seems the hours between 4- and 7 are when I’m overwhelmed the most. For me, its more the pressure of thinking I have to be on top of things all the time. I love being at home and my daughter is excelling (your baby can read) because of it. She can read about a dozen words and we only started 2 months ago.I just had to start being proactive and instead of doing things when I absolutely had too. Brings the stress level down a whole lot. I’m ready for her to go to daycare, like others she is spoiled so I decided I eill try to go back to work part time,and put her in daycare part time just to get the ball rolling. Overall there are plus’s and negatives just like anything else.
I did not choose to be a stay-at-home mom either. I worked for a while but daycare is so expensive for three kids that I wasn’t making any money. I feel loke my brain is fried and I am not productive in the world. I started blogging because writing is my passion but now I am trying to figure out how to bring the writer into the mommy world.
Hello everyone,
I am a stay at home mother too, but I am also a college student. I have young children that make me feel as if I have worked for 24 hours straight. This is because stay at home mothers do work those hours. The worst thing for me about the situation is that my husband believes I should do every task around the house. This includes caring for the children, the yard work, housework, and my homework. Above all, I am completely exhausted with no fun in my life or time for personnel wellbeing. My oldest daughter makes straight A’s and gets every award you can imagine for elementary school. She is wonderful, and it is truly because I have stayed home with her most of her life. She even received a citizenship award along with her trophies and many certificates. I rarely see adults unless they are my family which makes my life feel lonely at times. The people I used to know slowly moved on with their lives, so girls nights ended a long time ago. My husband has a great job and takes care of us, but we need extra money if we want to have fun. I went to my husband and explained my feelings of being too tired. I hoped he could make me feel better if only to hear some kind words. He responded, “And how many years have you worked, and how much money have you brought into the household?” People start to disrespect you and act as if you are lazy after a while. You become targeted as if you lie on the sofa and eat all day long. Even the fact that I have earned one degree and working on another in the mist of all the childbearing is not enough to people. By people I mean in laws and the rest of the extended family. You definitely get treated as if you do not contribute to society as a whole.
Hello everyone,
I am a stay at home mother too, but I am also a college student. I have young children that make me feel as if I have worked for 24 hours straight. This is because stay at home mothers do work those hours. The worst thing for me about the situation is that my husband believes I should do every task around the house. This includes caring for the children, the yard work, housework, and my homework. Above all, I am completely exhausted with no fun in my life or time for personnel wellbeing. My oldest daughter makes straight A’s and gets every award you can imagine for elementary school. She is wonderful, and it is truly because I have stayed home with her most of her life. She even received a citizenship award along with her trophies and many certificates. I rarely see adults unless they are my family which makes my life feel lonely at times. The people I used to know slowly moved on with their lives, so girls nights ended a long time ago. My husband has a great job and takes care of us, but we need extra money if we want to have fun. I went to my husband and explained my feelings of being too tired. I hoped he could make me feel better if only to hear some kind words. He responded, “And how many years have you worked, and how much money have you brought into the household?” People start to disrespect you and act as if you are lazy after a while. You become targeted as if you lie on the sofa and eat all day long. Even the fact that I have earned one degree and working on another in the mist of all the childbearing is not enough to people. By people I mean in laws and the rest of the extended family. You definitely get treated as if you do not contribute to society as a whole.
I am a stay at home mom to two youngsters 2 and 10 months. I am doing so by choice because I tragically lost my first child to cancer when he was young and I have been determined to be a stay at home mom since. I just got done tonight telling my husband why I am tired of staying at home. Today my car keys were lost (hidden?) and we were stuck in the house all day. This has happened more times than I can count and it always drives me crazy! I love my kids more than life itself and know how wonderful my time is with them but I taught art before and I am getting to a point of severly resenting my husband while staying at home. He helps alot but it just doesn’t seem at all equal. He is going out of town for a conference for 5 days in D.C. and I can’t even be happy for him cause I feel so isolated at home all the time. My friends who don’t have kids or are not married have slowly retreated from hanging out and I am always AT HOME!!! I love doing art, painting, and I love being with children but I feel so stifiled being at home and I have way too much time to worry and stress and it leaves me exhausted and bitter by the end of the day. I am sadly and regretfully starting to feel like it doesn’t even benefit my children for me to be at home because, even being a very creative individual, I am at a loss of things to egage us. My husband is not all too supportive and thinks that I will not make enough money going back to work to make up for daycare and we are both scared of letting someone else take care of them becasue of what we have been through. I don’t know what to do except to plug away at getting a job next school year and finding the best place to caretake for the kids during the day and see if this doesn’t help my mood. I am stressed, depressed, lonely and just want to be happy; dammit! I just want to enjoy the life I have been blessed with and not worry all the time and feel useful and upbeat. I do jazzersize, talked to a therapist off and on, take medicine and none of it seems to help a whole lot. I am just geussing that all my time at home with my kids that I LOVE dearley is maybe not the direction that will make me feel forfilled or successful and satisfied. Is it just me….? I want to be such a perfect and great stay at home mom and I am just not that great. It is dissapointing and I need to change something. thanks for the blog fellow Aja, and thanks for listening to this tired tirade.
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I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I have three boys, 10, 7, and 2. My husband is a firefighter (gone every three days for 24 hours) and works construction on his days off. He averages 85-90 hrs a week. We have no family around. I have not had a night without kids in 10 yrs (unless you count being in the hospital in labor). I absolutely hate staying at home. I don’t know if it is my particular situation or if i just hate this way of life in general. I am sick of people trying to advise me on parenting. All of these people have family around to lean on. I just want a break. A job sounds like heaven to me. The only problem is that I have been out of the workforce for 10 years and my BA in history doesn’t make me very marketable. I am very creative, yet, I am never able to pursue this outlet because of either breaking up a fight, yelling at them to brush their teeth or saving the two yr old from disaster. I feel like I’m on high alert 24/7! I am completely broken, miserable and hopeless.
I have been reading all these posts, especially the one so far from Jane M – I know much time has passed since your post, but I felt compelled to respond.
I feel exactly the way you feel and my situation is very similar to yours. Your last statement of
feeling completely broken, miserable and hopeless resonates.
Some days, I try and put on the happy face, but it is only momentary.
My entire family lives 1,000 miles away. I have felt so lonely for so many years.
I want to go back home.
I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I allowed the circumstances to happen by not standing up for myself. Now not only am a something I never wanted to be, I am doing it so far away from my family that I love.
But I have not given up on myself yet, I still have hope, but in the meantime, I am so sad.
Anyway, God bless you all and I hope we all get to a point in our lives very soon where we can be happy again. Maybe not the same person we used to be (even though we wish we were) but at least be someone happy again, and we can look in that mirror and feel some joy about ourselves, scars and all.
I stay at home, I have two boys. Some reason I handled the first one great. My husband came home most of the time, it was great. Now with two children, we had to make a decision to move out of the city and “home” to us. So with that decision my husband leaves on Monday and comes home on Friday. Its a long week. And when he gets home I don’t get a break because I feel guilty that I haven’t seen him all week. He doesn’t seem to get that it is constant with two small children (ages 11 months and 2 1/2) the ppd doesn’t help. My house looks like a war zone most days, I try to come up with something new to cook, end up cooking only part of the time…most days I am just spent. Even with a babysitter I am running errands for the boys. I am waiting for some me time. I deserve me time right?
I cannot agree more with this article. I am a 24 year old mother of 15 month old twin girls, and I too was forced into the position of a SAHM due to my lack of a college degree and the costs of two young toddlers in daycare. My husband is a bartender and makes just enough to pay the bills. I have worked since I was 14 and being unable to work since I was 6 months pregnant has been a great challenge. I suffer from depression and working has always helped keep my emotions fairly balanced, but since I have been at home with my girls, I find myself having trouble even getting out of bed. Of course I tend to their physical tends, but I feel emotionally absent much of the time. I am so relieved to read this article and know that I am not alone in the guilt-inducing feeling of not enjoying life as a SAHM..
oh, I so agree that being a sahm is not for everyone! I recently took a leave of absense from work
to stay home with my 4 year old daughter who was not liking her daycare .. she’s in JK mornings ..
the first week I had all sorts of activities planned for us – I also envisioned my ‘new life’ would be something like a fairy tale but it hasn’t felt that way at all .. I take my daughter off the bus, we eat lunch together, do a craft and play and I look at the clock and see that exactly 50 mintues have passed – another 7 hours to go until dear husband gets home!! the only way I’ve been surviving this clausterphobic and lonely extistence is by going out every single day to the park or the mall – anything but rotting at home .. I feel so lonely and miss my work friends so much .. we recently
found a new daycare with a lovely lady but my daughter has gotten used to me being at home and
throws fits about having to go – we’re easing her in gradually .. I stay for an hour with her and then leave for a couple of hours .. we’re going to do this for a week and see where we’re at .. the worst is first thing in the morning when she remembers she has to go to daycare after school and cries and says she doesn’t want to go – “I just want to stay with you Mummy” (insert wailing cries) I feel like a knife is being stabbed into my heart and I feel awful for absolutely needing to get back to work before I go completely insane .. I think that staying at home is okay if you have some key friends who in the same boat you’re in – a real support network and actual adult humans to talk to ..
of course I love my daughter – we all love our kids .. but I know that I am a better Mom when I have my work identity too .. also, I hate relying on dear husband for cash – I’ve worked full time since I was 16 years old (43 now) and I am way too independant to start begging for handouts .. plus, me working affords us the ‘extras’
my advice to any Mom who’s struggling with sahm blues is to try and get out as much as possible to places where your little ones can play with other kids and don’t be afraid to call in any and all support you can find ..
Hey guys,
I´m six months pregnant and reading this post has given me such perspective!
I´ve been feeling so guilty because I won´t be able to be a stay at home mom, I´m gonna be a single mom and I´ll be studying hard to have a career to provide for us in the future.
And OF COURSE I´ve already been feeling so guilty at the idea of my unborn son feeling left alone and not taken care of well if I´m not with him 100 % of the time….
But reading this post really opened my eyes, to things I had forgotten about or didn´t want to see:
a) I actually don´t enjoy being around kids that much. I think I´ll be a good mom and will love my kid very much, but I´ve worked in a kindergarten before, and I HATED it.
b) If he´s around other kids at daycare he´ll develop a lot faster, because around this house there are no other kids to play with, only grown ups.
c) If the time I spend with him is spent well, meaning I am emotionally available to him, in a good mood, relaxed and happy (and that does come with financial stability) he will be a happier baby, too.
—-> as I´m starting to think about it, people that complain about their parents having been away at work alot, actually what they complain about is them being emotionally unavailable once they came home. So it´s not so much the fact that the parent had a time comnsuming job that frustrated them as a kid, but the overall relationship they had with their parents, or lack of thereof.
This post really made me feel better and I think it contains a lot of truth.
Being around your kid all the time does not mean you´re a better parent.
What´s really more important is to find a balance and be as happy as you can about your life so you can be a happy parent to a happy child.
THANKS!!!
Omg. I am so happy to know I am not alone. I’m 24 with a 16 month old son and a full time student and I swear sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out. My mother was a stay at home mom and loved it but I knew at a young age this was something I never wanted to be. When I got pregnant I didn’t have a job but I just knew once he was born I would’ve found one, but boy was I wrong. I love being at home and being the first one to see him do the magical things he does but I’m also the one that has to clean up after him too. My boyfriend makes more than enough money to keep us afloat but I miss being able to see the outside world and contribute to my household. Also like Aja said I thought my son would become a baby genius but he could careless about anything that involves sitting down for longer than 10 mins and that includes me. I also look out the window waiting for his father to get home so I can go hide but even with that he wants no one other than me. I know things will get better once he gets in daycare and I am extremely ready for him to go but if I’m not working what’s the point?
I moved to the US three years ago to live with my husband, and we had our son two years ago. Needless to say, I didn`t even had the time to make any friends before I gave birth and not much has changed ever since. I have been feeling very isolated and alone. My husband works afternoons and evenings; his relatives live four hours away, and they are everything but loving and supportive, which makes it even harder for me. My husband is great but he has to work a lot. Last year, I went back to college part-time. We can`t afford a babysitter or daycare so my husband is home with our son 3 mornings a week while I`m away at school. Like all SAHM I am constantly working and just like in the article, my son prefers to throw the books at me for fun, rather than reading them. I love my little one a lot, but I also feel isolated and powerless. I have been working since I was 15 years old and I always took great pride in making my own money, and not having to tell anyone why and how much I spent. That has changed, and I miss my independence. I am now trying to find an internship for next summer, and I would like to send my son to daycare for a few hours a day at that point. I hope I don`t lose my sanity by then. Glad to know I am not the only one going through this.