You know what I miss? Or rather, what I wish I had?
Freedom.
Not like I want to run away from home, but freedom to be…well, me. (Stop laughing, I know it’s corny.)
I was reading one of my friends’ blogs about her fears of losing herself as a career woman once she becomes a mom. She’s 23. It’s to be expected that she would have some fears after she’s had the chance to carve the career she’s always wanted.
But I wish I had that freedom initially. As I’ve said in previous posts, I’ve been a mother longer than I’ve had a career. I feel like I missed that window, to go after what I wanted with no consequences to anyone else if I failed. Now with every decision I make I must consider the long-term implications for my kids. I want to be bold, taking risks. Never had the chance to pack it all up and flee the Midwest for the allure of NYC to pursue my journalism career like most of my classmates.
Even now, I have to write these posts in spurts, while the kids are sleeping or preoccupied for a snack. There was never a time where I could just, well, do me. Be me. I like to write, but I don’t get to write, not unless I’m up all hours of the night, typing away on my old-as-dirt laptop until I pass out with my fingers still on the keys.
I tell myself that it is better this way, it is better that I had my kids early so they are there to witness all my milestones. I want them to be there when I finally get my Master’s, when I get my first book deal, (when I get that first book deal check! LOL), etc. It will be that much sweeter because not only did I do it, but I did it with two kids in tow.
I COMPLETELY FEEL YOU ON THIS!!! On those frequent days when I have just sat down from getting something for my daughter, or helping her with something, only to be asked 2 minutes later to help with something else, or to get her something else, I feel like this! As soon as I get a viable thought flowing while writing I’m called upon, because after all, mommy is always on the clock, and while mommy is on the clock, Barbara is on hold.
I have so much admiration for you Tara for being that mother, who is into her career “with two kids in tow”. Sometimes I feel silly being under distress with only one child, but then I remember that this motherhood thing ain’t no cake walk, no matter how many children you have or whether you are single or married. So, thank you for being here as a refuge. As I think about career possibilities, there is a lot of frustration in choosing what I truly want to do career wise (whatever that is. I haven’t figured it out just yet) and just choosing something because I need to support myself and my daughter. Nothing wrong with longing for what you don’t or didn’t have, especially when you realize the things that you do have.
@Ms Bar B – Girl, I hate when moms with “just” one kid think their job is supposed to be somehow easier. I remember how overwhelmed I was with one kid. It’s work! I firmly believe that kids’ needs expand to fill your time.
And it is hard when thinking about career possibilities and I’m looking at how many hours I’ll have to put in, all the while being nice, sunny, happy helpful Mommy at home. It makes my head hurt.
But YOU are inspiration because you have come so far in a short period of time. And hello – look at your daughter! She’s amazing. That’s how you can tell what type of woman you are
I understand completely, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
I’m eleven days away from turning 27 and my son is nearly two and I’m about to enroll in school so I can finish getting my bachelor’s and embark on the journey of entrepreneurship with my husband.
Some days I just want to forget about me and just focus on my son, but then I realize not only am I doing it for me but for him as well. Knowing that when I get my degree, and we walk through the doors of our business, he’s going to be proud of his mommy and daddy. Knowing that makes it all worth while.
@Shalonda – I love it! Going into business with your husband – that’s awesome!
I do think when kids have a front-row seat to success, it benefits them in the long run. Look forward to hearing about your business! 
This really hits home. I’m 23 and a single mom, and currently waiting to hear back from PhD programs. In these agonizing months, I keep doubting myself: although there will be advantages to going back to school, it really is something for me and would require a big move. I sometimes wonder if I should put my life on hold more because of my son, or if he’ll be able to appreciate my drive someday. No matter our age or circumstances, we will always second-guess ourselves.
I think you’re doing a wonderful job, and you should remember that you’re allowed to take a break from being the eternally “sunny, happy, helpful Mommy” to do something you love.
@Chelsea – “No matter our age or circumstances, we will always second-guess ourselves.” So true! I have older co-workers who are either about to have kids or with little ones and they say they wish they had my life, while I’m looking at them with envy. Funny how we always wish we had what we don’t.
I have “just” one kid and let me tell you – it’s just as hard! I have to work a fulltime job, missing out on precious time with my son just so that I can provide a decent amount of money every month! We do have a nice townhouse and he always wears new clothes – but I never buy anything for myself anymore? I stress over money constantly and I never got to finish getting my college degree. I hate my job *working for a cellphone company* but it pays really good for someone who doesn’t have a degree in anything. I struggle everyday about what I want to do when I “grow” up. I’m almost 23 and I have a 5yo son! Yes there’s some perks to being a young mommy, but there are a ton of struggles and obsticles to overcome as well. But you just have to stay positive and remember to make yourself happy – as your kids will be happy as long as they have their mommy in the lives. Thanks for the post – I can relate to you completely.
@Meg – “But you just have to stay positive and remember to make yourself happy – as your kids will be happy as long as they have their mommy in the lives.” This is so true and maybe one thing that we all need to tell ourselves. I know my kids don’t care if Mommy works at McDonalds or if I’m CEO of Sprint. They just want to see me. The details don’t matter to them. I just want them to be proud of me when the details do matter, when they are making decisions about their future careers and they can see that hard work gets you places…
It’s hard to focus on your career when you have two full-time jobs. My daughter is in Kindergarten so she needs help with homework. My son is in the process of being potty-trained. I want to focus on building my personal brand and other career goals but it’s hard when my SO doesn’t get home from work until 10:30/11. It’s like I’m a one-woman show.
I’d love to go back and get my Master’s degree but I can’t focus solely on my wants and needs, even if they will benefit my family in the long run.
@Alexia – “I can’t focus solely on my wants and needs, even if they will benefit my family in the long run.” Girl, tell me about it. I want to do things that will benefit my career, but if I do all the things I want (young professionals events, consulting outside of work hours, etc.) that leaves no time for my kids. And as much as I want to be successful, my kids come first. Period. Even though a more successful career benefits them. What a Catch-22.
I’ve felt the same way as a new father, but I’ve found that my son provides even more motivation and passion than I knew I had.
Sometimes I regret not being able to update my blog and writings as much as I would like, but when I think about my wife and son, I find renewed purpose every day, and take the moments of feeding or soothing baby to sleep to plot new ideas and marketing concepts.
In a way, children and marriage are the energy boost to realize your true work ethic and potential.
@Jarrett – You are so right – kids can motivate you more than you knew was possible. I never thought I’d be someone to wake up at 5 a.m. to write, but now I do because that’s when I can get it done. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s good for me.
Sometimes I feel like I have no right to comment on this blog because I’m not a parent yet, but many of these topics still hit home with me.
I earned my bachelor’s degree a few years ago when I was 23. I was ready to take on Corporate America when my grandmother told me to “go on and continue with your education. You don’t have any kids to hold you back.”
As I went on to earn my master’s degree, it never occurred to me how wrong my grandmother was. I think kids only hold you back from your dreams if you let them. Sure you may have to take a detour or two along the way. But I think having children should inspire parents even more to reach whatever goals they had before becoming parents. I would have eventually received my bachelor’s degree even if I was a mother.
Kudos to all of you ladies (and dads)! I only hope to be half as courageous as all of you when I enter the wonderful world of motherhood
)
@Tiffany – What a great story.
I think your grandmother was right and you are right. Let me explain. I don’t think kids hold you back necessarily, but they do make you more cautious. You won’t up and quit your job on a whim to start your own company. If you did that, how would the kids eat? How would you keep a roof over their head? So if you really want to start your own company, you’re careful. You research. You save. You make back-up plans. So maybe instead of launching your business in 2010, it launches in 2012. Or 2015. The end story is the same (you opened your business) but it just takes a little longer. Nothing at all wrong with that. 
Congrats on getting your master’s! What was it in?
Awww. *tear* Thanks Tara =).
Just wanted to say, not that I don’t sympathize with what you are saying, but just wanted to encourage you to remember that your sacrifice for your children (or child) is NOT for nothing. Every diaper you change and meal you make each day for them, esp. when done cheerfully, is building a great deal of love and character into THEM. And they will grow up and make a difference in this world b/c of it (a difference being a caring, loving person, too). And, YOU will have time to do the things you want, just not instantly, but you will have it.
I’m a mother of 5 (just had twins in Oct. with 3 at the ages of 2, 4 and 6!) and my hubby and I started “late” in life (I’m now 37, he’s 45). We are TIRED! LOL. And I definitely want to run out the door sometimes (just for a break, not permanently!) but my dh keeps reminding me, these truly are the best days, and this is only for a season. Seasons don’t last forever, so make them memorable in a good way!
@Alison – First of all, let me say, congrats on being a fabulous mother of 5. I don’t know you but I can tell.
I know kids are only young for a short time. I know this. And I want to simply enjoy these years, these moments with them and inhale their little baby breath and watch their little dimples get deeper when they smile. I love this time. I have my days, where I’m exhausted beyond belief and I don’t know when my next piece of rest is going to come. But I push through and try to build my career while raising my kids. It’s just that simple.
I had my kids in my 20s, and I was always worried about jumping back into the work force. My kids are now range from 3rd grade to just starting high school. I am back at work and I realize that I now have so many more skills and experience than I did before kids – BECAUSE I had kids. I learned tons about responsibility, multi-tasking – lots of it!, built a large network of connections through school communities, etc.
Plus I have my family cheering me on now!
@Lynette – I always say that being a mom makes you a better employee. Really it does. I’m able to juggle so many more tasks while keeping my cool that I would be to do otherwise…
I feel like the grass is always greener no matter what is going on in your life. YOu want a career, and I am dying for a child. I would give anything to be interupted by a little one…but I’m sure once I have one I will stress about the things you do. I think when we get stressed we should focus on the good in our lives…not what we are missing out on. I hope you find some peace and all your dreams come true.
@Jen – Yeah, I think the grass is always greener. But I don’t necessarily want my kids to go away (lol); I just wish that I was a bit more established in my career, so I could have more options and more flexibility where my family is concerned.
I truly admire all of you who are doing your thang with kids in tow.
Remember this struggle of yours is a BLESSING to your kids as well. They’re growing up understanding the value of struggle, hard work, frugality, perseverance, and commitment through your living breathing example.
This is something many kids who are born to parents who have “already made it” often don’t get to see.
I still remember the struggles that my parents went through raising a young family while trying to make a place for themselves in this world and I have personally enormously from their examples of hard work and frugality.
@Alonzo – I remember this little quote from President Obama (forgive me if this gets too long). But he said when he was studying in law school, he wondered why all the other kids seemed to understand everything easier than he did. He said he studied just as hard as everyone else; so why was he busting his butt to get an A and the other students just coasted? He said it was because they came from families of doctors and lawyers. Legal cases were discussed over dinner, medical terminology bantered about. It was just second-nature.
So if my kids can see me going for my dreams, and have a front-row seat to history (ahem…lol) then this will be second-nature for them by the time they get old enough to have careers of their own.
WOW Tara!!! Thee story of my life!!! I could cry right now, for real! We have some of the EXACT same thoughts! Wow! I have to just take this all in…just sit for a moment, catch my breath and reflect… … … … … … … OK!
I’m going to try not to make this post an essay, but I will say that even though I was married, and then pregnant soon after, I declared that I would finish school, and a few people were still negative even though I had the support of my husband. So there I trekked on to class, big belly and all, funny looks from professors and students too. Before I made it to the graduation finish line, I was pregnant again! LOL. But I was relentless…ruthless in getting my degree, and I did. I didn’t let myself rest. I had so much energy and belief in myself that I never felt I needed to rest anyway. Two babies and a degree…I’m very proud of that. I didn’t let dreaminess takeover, dropping everything while I became the little lady, or the little wife or whatever term it is. I wanted my education like nothing else, my career and my family!
But after graduation, I felt like with so much attention to school, I may have missed something cute that my babies did because my nose was stuck in the latest British literature assignment. So right after graduation, I immersed myself into mommyhood, putting the dream career on hold. By then I sort of knew NYC wouldn’t happen with two babies. I learned that just mommy wasn’t me. I was suppressing the go-gettin’ mommy that I truly was! I needed to excitement that baby food masher…thingy. Five years later, I’m bringing the Big Apple to me! Still on my grind and lovin’ every minute of it! And the best part? My kids will actually see and not just hear that they can do anything.
Sorry, it turned into an essay after all.
@Arlice – Girl….you don’t have to tell me!
I totally understand what you are saying Tara. I had my first child when I was 20 and going into my senior year of undergrad. Do I wish that I made better choices…yes? But would I give my child back …nope.
He did not hold me back…some things were a little more challenging with him..but where there is a will there is a way. So with the support of my family and with some determination…I finished undergrad and grad school.
I don’t know if I ever told myself it is better this way…but I think I just accepted that this is my reality now …this is the path that I have chosen and now I am going to make the best of it. After undergrad, my friends travelled a lot and they stayed in the clubs. In the ATL, there was a club jumping Monday through Sunday. So I went on one or two trips with them during the year and I went to the club a couple of times a month. And that was Ok…because I was also having fun with my son.
Look at this way: the kids give you a sense of direction, focus and determination to success that’s unmatched. Sure you don’t have much choice but to succeed but that’s the point. It makes you extremely DRIVEN, and thus, all the more successful than us “freedom having”college graduates. We just have…our futures to motivate us and after a couple failures/rejections, we don’t have anyone pushing us, driving to put those kicked out teeth back in and try again. Kids give you extra incentive to strive for greatness. Plus what’s more encouraging than a little kid saying “You can do it, Mommy!”?
-Auntieof2