I am so tired of this.
Of what? you ask. Of THIS. Of feeling THIS way.
I’m going through an AWFUL funk the past couple weeks and I can’t place my finger on why it’s here or how it came about. Perhaps I’m having one of those moments I talked about last week.
But all I do know is that I’m stressed. I’m overwhelmed. I need a break. A long break. Friends think I have it all together, but I am clamoring for some relief. I have a long vacation coming up, but my days are already packed with projects that, quite honestly, should have been done months ago. We moved in March – MARCH! – and there are still boxes here and there that need to be unpacked, a major cleaning spree needs to occur, and I want to paint my bedroom so I can finally hang the curtains.
But in addition to house stuff, I have work to do. Yes, I know I said I was on vacation but that’s from my day job. There’s no break from the freelancing.
Every night I get on the computer and I work. Three, four hours. I’m slowly turning into a workaholic and I don’t like it.
My family deserves more than this. My kids deserve to have a mom who isn’t so wiped out that she can’t manage a weak smile as they spin around showing off their dance moves. My husband deserves a wife who doesn’t snap at him every time he opens his mouth. But most importantly, I deserve more.
Writing used to be my outlet, my way to be someone other than Mommy and Mrs. Jefferson. But now, it’s become an extension of those two personas, since all I do is write about my role as a wife and mother.
I need to train for a marathon. Take some cooking classes. Do martial arts. A pottery course. SOMETHING to find who I am again. What makes ME happy.
I’ve lost myself. But I’ll be damned if I stay lost.
I love your last sentence! “But I’ll be damned if I stay lost.” That’s the key right there. You are doing so much so young, it makes perfect sense that these “funks” holler at you from time to time. But since you are aware of them, you get to give them the stare down, and then replace them with things that feel right. You mentioned taking a class or training for a marathon, and those are great choices for ways to “lose” yourself in something that isn’t your day to day. That’s what writing still does for me, and also looooong walks WITHOUT the children.
It can be so overwhelming sometimes, and I was in one of those funks for a few days last week. Laundry seemed to be multiplying itself like I wouldn’t notice; my oldest was being even more flip at the lip than normal; my first Execumama-related event seemed to be slipping out of my hands; blah…blah…funk! But in the end, it comes back to defining our lives for ourselves, NOT walking around in what doesn’t feel good. You definitely earn the right to fully embrace ALL your emotions as a wife/mom/career-focused/freelancer, so all you can do is pay attention to your feelings, and pray for clarity, oh, and eat brownies (that works, yo!).
*Sorry for the short novel!*
@Execumama – Thank you, thank you, thank you! I needed to hear every word of that short novel!
Hi,
I to hear your cry. @Execumomma, your novel was for me too. I was having a what I called a pity party(funk) this weekend. I was feeling like this just isn’t fair! What I have to look at is what really matters most. Some days I come in from a full time job and my family has to duck or run for cover.
Sounds like there are somethings you really want to do but it may be the timing. Like myself. Stay focused, determined & keep your eye on the goal. Read Jer. 29:11 when you get a chance. I posted this very thing last night. If you don’t mind take a look. I hope it will bless you like your post has blessed me. We’re not alone.
For everything there is a time and a season. every single one of us goes thru different seasons, and some of them feel like they will never end. if ur serious about wanting relief you’re going to have to take decisive action. take some time to re prioritize things, ask for support and if it comes down to it, take a 3 day vacation to urself!
I think we all get down and lose ourselves sometimes. I know right now for me its being frustrated with my TTC journey and it consumes me! Like you said you need to do something for yourself. Find a hobby you like or plan “girls nights” with friends or a “date night” with your husband…I find having something to look forward to like that helps me. I am a control freak and when I find things spinnin gout of control..I do anything I can to grab a hold and plan somethng I can control…Good luck! I hope you find it!
Hey Sugar!
As Nicole Phillips has mentioned read this scripture …
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
As most of the mom’s have said we’ve all been there at some point or another. Trust me you’ll work through it. You can’t be all things to all people and you can’t do Everything! As mom’s we can schedule EVERYTHING except Mommy time! You have to make time for you. Even if it’s just a couple of hours to do something you want to do outside of your freelance things.
I recently started “Mommy Me Days” with a friend of mine. It’s a night once a month that we dedicate to ourselves. No kids, no errands just something we all want to do. Go to a movie (something that the hubby might not want to see) get our toes done… anything to cater to ourselves. Try that out for starters. Don’t organize it find someone who’s already doing it and jump on board!
One major thing to keep in mind… if you burn out you won’t be any good to anyone!
I know how you feel. We need to talk-bad! Someone I interviewed last night told me you have to take care of you before you can give take care everyone and everything else. This is the second time in the last few weeks someone said that to me, and now I’m listening. It’s hard. I understand your journey, you know that, but sometimes Tara, you’ve got to walk away from it for a little bit. The kids, the house, the husband too. What you’re doing is so important and needed. Young mommies need you and so does the fam, but you need you too. You know that Starbucks at the corner? That’s where I escape for a quick way to clear my mind. It’s kind of like a mini Border’s thing we do, but without the planner and the many notes to go with the projects I’m working on. Just me and me…sometimes an inspirational book, and a damned good cup of the Signature Hot Chocolate. If it aint right, they make it over! It’s my moment; it’s all about me!
I know the feeling of being overwhelmed, and of something that I once enjoyed (ie, writing) turning into a chore/headache. Just be sure to also “schedule” in your planner some time for you, whether it be a 15 minute bubble bath, nap, or 1 hour allotted to your favorite Tivoed television program, with no interruptions.
Can I just say me too? I have 3 children, am raising my teenage sister, a husband who works shifts and is NEVER home, an executive-level job, a blog and a crazy mother (hence raising my sister) who sucks every particle of oxygen out of you.
Last time I had one of those moments I packed the baby up (can’t leave Dad with all 3!) And escaped to my grandmother’s house up north for a week.
I called it “Air Mask Week”. Just like they tell you on the airplane, you have to put your own air mask on FIRST before putting on anyone else’s. Just like the person said above you have to save yourself before you can not even save but be any use to anyone else.
Good luck and I hope you can find your own Air Mask Week/Day/Moment.
Maija